Saturday, December 31, 2005

2005 In Review

Posted Dec. 9th, 2004:

My pre-New Year's resolutions list is already blossoming into a full fledged assault. It seems each new day my mind thinks up one more way in which I need to improve. I guess that's just part of growing, and in a way I'm glad I do that. It keeps me always striving to be a better person, and not just a cornball jackoff all the time. Today's "note to self": be more confident. Maybe I could if I weren't so fucking stupid.

...I've also been selling a few things on ebay lately. This is all part of that "downsize my life" project that will carry over well into next year (one of the major resolutions). I will be more specific about my resolutions as they come up throughout the year, but for now I'll just give you a glimpse of what might be in store for me in 2005 (for those of you who actually care): much improved guitar skills, better upper-body build, permanently applied body ink, a surgery or two, confidence boosting mind-set, promiscuity, two+ vacations, more sleep, less worry, more blog posting :), more concerts, expanded music variety and library, improved intellect, make new friends, reconnect broken ties to certain things that made me happy as a kid, and most importantly...more fun!

Where to start? I have my ideas. In fact, many are already in the works. One more month left to go until it's time to show myself what I can do. 2005 will be mine... oh yes, it will be mine. *sadistic grin*


I find it interesting to look back one year, though it hardly seems that long ago. Let's see how I actually did this year...

  • Downsizing - I sold a few things I no longer need, and gave away others. My stack of posessions has shrunk a bit, but not near enough. Currently I have a couple different boxes of things I will be giving away, whether to Goodwill or people I know that can use them. This goal will remain in progress throughout 2006.
  • Guitar/Instrument skills - Although I don't feel I was able to practice near as much as I'd like to have, I did improve a bit on the guitar. Learned a few new songs and parts of others, and my fingers seem more comfortable on the frets now. And I will also mention that I've improved dramatically on the drums. Plus, I feel more comfortable singing now. I even tried karaoke one night this last year... something I never thought I'd be able to do.
  • Upper-body - Still working on this one. I slacked off quite a bit, although during this last week or so, I've been doing much better. This will also be one of my main focuses in '06.
  • Tattoo(s) - I did not end up getting a tattoo like I wanted. I would still like to get one (or three), but I've decided it's not a priority right now. So I'm pushing it back to a later time, when I get some more important things taken care of first.
  • Surgeries - Of the two proposed surgeries I had planned, I actually did go through with one of them (the vasectomy). The other - LASIK - will have to come at a later time; also a low-priority goal. And anyway, due to my large pupils, I have to wait a few years for the Wavefront laser technology to be more effective.
  • Confidence - Admitedly, it has been quite shaken recently. I'm still having many social issues, and I'm going to have to work extra hard just to get to the point others my age are already at. This one is a major struggle for me. Yet still, it's improving exponentially.
  • Women - 2005 brought me some positives - as well as negatives - in this area. I probably went on more dates this year than I have in my entire life combined. I've gained much more experience in many aspects. And although I dated/hung out with about five different women this year, nothing much really came of them for one reason or another. I've found myself to be very incompatible with the average woman, so it seems to be a matter of finding those rare chicks that I actually have something in common with. One positive note is that thanks to MySpace, I'm having much better luck now getting to know people and making some friends.
  • Vacations - I did not meet the goal of "two+ vacations". I did, however, get to go to Hawaii for the first time in February. And aside from the whole ER incident, it was a fun time. I also was able to escape to Idaho for a couple days in May which I thouroughly enjoyed. But I never made it to Vegas this year. Might not for awhile...
  • Sleep - I did make a conscious effort to get to bed earlier on weeknights, and I noticed a difference not just in my mood, but in my overall health. I will continue to apply this effort in the future.
  • Worrying - I also did finally learn to let go of many things that typically trouble me, and I learned not to care as much about other generally unimportant things. Obviously this works into these other goals as well...
  • Writing - I noticed that I had 100+ blogs this year, so I'm pretty happy about that. I didn't write everyday, but I feel like most of the major events worth talking about were recorded somewhere within these archives. I also feel like I've really been developing a style and vocabulary throughout the year. I now enjoy writing very much.
  • Concerts - I did well with this goal. I couldn't have asked for much more than I experienced. I was lucky enough to see three of my favorite artists/bands for the first time this year (two of them back-to-back). Early in the year, I got to check out Esthero in a small club... always wanted to see her. I also took in a couple different Beatles tribute bands, Rain (again) and The Fab Four. The concert year only got better in September, with Wayne and I getting to see Nine Inch Nails for the first time (our collective favorite). Then, just over a month later I went with my parents to see [Sir] Paul McCartney. Both concerts were unreal! I did also want to see - but had to pass up due to money issues - Coldplay in August and Fiona Apple in November. The funny thing about that is that they are now touring together and are returning in January, for which I already have my ticket. :)
  • Music - I have also discovered many new great songs and artists I had never before heard of. My mp3/CD collections are growing quickly and are both continuing to expand in broadness.
  • Intellect - I feel almost like a different person. That guy you knew before was T-model prototype Ryan. I am new and improved, with greater efficiency and a much faster processor. And I am fully functional... in multiple techniques. hehe Put more simply, I am evolving.
  • Childhood Ties - Giving in to the urge of nostalgia has been somewhat of a breakthrough for me this last year. I refused to apologize for my loyal TMNT upbringing. Bought a few DVD's of some 80's movies I loved as a child (Labyrinth, The Adventures Of Milo & Otis, etc...). Even devoting more time to the video games that practiacally rasied me needs to be mentioned. In games, I feel I have alienated a good friend as of late. They make me happy, so why not give them more attention? It makes sense.
  • Fun - Although I may have looked forward to certain kinds of events and activities to have taken place much more often this past year, I will not even begin to show any disappointment. I am happy about how 2005 turned out. I consider it to be my most productive year to date. Many random memories throughout the year will stick with me forever, as there were some wonderful times scattered around within it. No regrets...


Among the other things I haven't mentioned yet, I started a new job this year as well. The old one was slowly driving me insane, so I eventually quit and found one that's only a couple blocks away from my place. It's not just all that time I've saving... but gas money as well. :) In fact, I've even been working another job on the side. I help my dad on a few Sundays, doing some finish work and installing hardware packages in new housing developments. It's only for a few hours at a time but the pay is great (and under the table). So it's a great opportunity to throw that extra money directly into my Roth IRA account I started this year... one more thing I'm happy to have done.

Baby steps. I am honestly very proud of myself for sticking to many of these goals, and for doing my best to always keep them in the back of my mind when making everyday choices. As I mentioned before, I am already much more confident in myself and my future. And as I see it, it's all uphill from here...

Here's to a great 2006, everyone! :)

Friday, December 30, 2005

Vehemence (Chapter 1)

Lately I've begun to think I might be buy-sexual. I'm still not into dudes or anything, I just feel like I can't get laid unless I'm paying. The sad part is, I don't often get paid either. To get paid AND laid... how nice it must be to be rich.

Another thought occurred to me today. More of a question really...

You know when people have their stereos cranked for the whole neighborhood to hear? (sometimes from a home, but usually it's a car) I notice it quite often around here, and my question is this. Why don't they ever play anything good?? It seems to me if you're going to play something that loud, it might as well be something people actually enjoy. Then again, how loud does your stereo need to be in order to enjoy the music? Most of you already know me as the one who says "...and listen to it loud because it makes it even better.". I know how volume can increase the experience, but these people seem to surpass that level a hundred-fold. An $8,000 stereo system in a $400 piece of shit car... very impressive. And look at him, he knows how to press down really hard on the acceleration pedal. If I were a woman, I'd sure like to bear his children. These people are obviously mentally ill, and in my opinion, completely stupid. When I am to actually hear STP's "All In The Suit That You Wear" being broadcast from a convulsing '87 Toyota Tercel, I'll still think the guy is a fucking moron. But at least I'll know he has good taste.

And to the lady who leaves her shopping cart in the middle of a parking space... Lady, if I were a bird I would totally take a shit on your head, and then laugh at you for being stupid and covered in shit. I understand, you probably exhausted yourself by walking your 300-pound-ass through all of those Wal*Mart isles while having to simultaneously push a cart full of doritos, oreos, nacho chips, diapers, baby formula, frozen pizza, dog food, doughnuts, cereal, 48 rolls of toilet paper.... and a case of Diet Pepsi. Somehow, I'm sure you can't muster the energy to push the empty cart back to the "return cart here" lot 20 feet from your minivan. Don't worry about it. Just leave it in the open lot adjacent to your vehicle. It's certainly none of your concern. Who cares if it knicks up someone else's car, not your problem. (By the way, you are a stupid lazy bitch with a big fat ass... and you should NOT be breeding).

I guess it's true what they say... you shouldn't bottle your feelings inside. I actually do feel a little bit better already. And I have plenty more to add of course, but I'm not in the mood right now. I'm going to get ready and hit the town tonight. Not sure where, but it's Friday night and I want to do something, so I'll catch you all later.

P.S. Oh and by the way, the other night I sat down and wrote out some lyrics for a tune that's been playing in my head. I guess that means I may have actually written a song. More on that later...

Sunday, December 18, 2005

Short Takes (# 3)

Among those even remotely close to me, it is well known that my mind can wander. With what seems like so many different things going on recently, I've decided to write another exclusive, award-winning "Short Takes" exposition.

  • Last night - and continuing today - we are experiencing a nasty wind storm. It's nothing compared to the one we had this time a couple years back, but it still sucks. I had to cut my Saturday night short because it wasn't even worth going out in it. And I had a strong feeling that we'd be losing power momentarily, because we always seem to (lots of trees around that love to fall onto power lines). I ended up playing my guitar for an hour or so before going right to bed at about 11:00pm. ...... On the bright side, I got plenty of sleep.... and the power still has yet to go out. That honestly surprises the sweet shit out of me.
  • We went up to Everett again - as we usually do on Saturdays - to jam and record some takes. We actually have been recording some of the songs the last few times, but we're still working on trying to get a much better mix. So yesterday we spent an hour or two just testing out each instrument and mic, making sure the levels are where we want them for the best mix. We're getting much much closer now and I'm hoping some of the songs last night turned out pretty well. If they did, I could always send them to some of you who are interested and/or curious. More on that later...
  • Later today I'm still planning on trying to get my Christmas shopping started and finished. I'm kind of lucky in the sense that I'm only buying for three people this year. It's not that I don't want to buy more or don't recognize many others I should be buying for... it's the combination of money and time that keep me from fulfilling my obligations this time around. For those of you who don't get anything from me, don't look too much into it. I still hope you all have an amazing holiday season, and I'm thinking of you. And perhaps I'll be making up for it soon...
  • On our way home last night in Bellevue (on southbound I-405), we passed about six police cars and an ambulance sitting in the northbound-side, as well as two more cop cars on the overpass above. I asked my dad something like "What the hell's going on here?". Neither of us obviously knew. After returning home and calling my parents to ask if the wind was picking up for them too, my dad told me he saw on the local news that a 27-year-old woman had jumped off the overpass onto the freeway below, where she was hit by a car (likely at a speed of 70+ mph) which did not stop after hitting her. Police apparantly are still looking for the car. It's weird to think that had happened just hours after we had gone northbound in those very lanes. ... And in looking for more information/details just now about the incident, I read a story about a murder/suicide here in Covington a few days ago. It seems a huband apparantly killed his wife, then got out on Highway 18 and intentionally turned into on-coming traffic into an eighteen-wheeler... killing himself instantly with a suicide note in the car with him. ...... 'Tis the season to be merry. A magical time of year indeed.
  • But I am feeling better lately. I got paid on Friday and was able to pay off a couple bills that were nagging me. It turns out my medical bills are going to cost me about $450... much less than the $700+ I was expecting, so I suppose in a weird way I'm happy about that. I haven't been going out much at all, and I've been cleaning and trying to take care of some other stuff that I've been putting off instead. I'm getting more and more ready to start a new year with many of my goals realized from this last one.

"We've only just begun..."

Thursday, December 15, 2005

The Mark

.... So now I'm all wondering if my soft taco was possessed. Did I eat a demonic, yet delicious, lunch today? I'm hoping I won't be spewing out green shit while my head does 360's tonight. Well, at least Satan was surprisingly good good fresh fresh. Plus he came with a coke, so that's nice. But then again, I'm pretty sure there was no demon spawn in my soft taco today... I had them hold the tomato.

Anyway, I guess my real point was just to warn you all that my soft taco combo meal today may have marked the beginning of the End. Just a heads up...

Oh, and that ranch that they have is yummy.

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

SW55T 4R51MS # 3

For those of you who haven't seen this pic yet, this is from my recent Vegas trip with my buds from Colorado. As some of you already know, this picture was taken by Stan. I was so wasted I don't even remember getting up on that vehicle. hehe But I do remember that Kyle was inside at that moment trying to pull Eric away from the pie at the buffet table. And if I remember correctly, some bastards in a cab had run over Kenny earlier that night...

Monday, December 12, 2005

Filmosophy (Vol 3)


"You know, the Greeks didn't write obituaries. They only asked one question after a man died......... 'Did he have passion?'."

X2: X-Men United:

"Never trust a beautiful woman... especially one who's interested in you."

Star Wars - Episode III: Revenge Of The Sith:

"Good is a point of view."

City Slickers:

"Women need a reason to have sex... men just need a place."

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles:

"Anger clouds the mind. Turned inward, it is an unconquerable enemy."

Sunday, December 11, 2005

Tired (Part 2)

we've been together for so long
yet still we're so apart
these four long years of arguing
have drained and dried my heart

i've tried to be the man you need
until we are to fall
but in your eyes it is quite clear
i'm not a man at all

our outlooks are so different
our stubbornness the same
the times we clashed and wouldn't speak
so many i could name

now it seems we're well on route
to end this thing we share
i wish i knew the reason why
you just don't seem to care

i have to say i will miss you
you've been my only one
and "one" refers to girlfriend
but now that's said and done

from here on out i do not know
what destiny will bring
i only know that time will tell
...good luck with everything

Saturday, December 10, 2005


Among the things I've been called, labeled or referred to as recently (by a few different people):

"such a girl", "jackass", "silly little boy", "dummy", "wuss", "loser", "a boy", "dork", "chick", "immature", "retarded", "unable to listen", "stupid", "so weird", "uneducated", "emotionally absent", "fashion-challenged", "self-centered", "slow", "freak"....

I'm sure there are more, I'm just not in the mood right now to think of them all. In fact I'm not in much of a mood for anything. I'm just tired. Tired of people. Tired of being their doormat. Tired of being a tool for these fucks to feel better about themselves for degrading. And I'm tired of even talking to these people.

Something I'm not sure if the people who know me best even know... I'm not afraid of being on my own at all. I have been for what seems my entire life, so in a way it's what I'm most used to. It's my comfort zone. I knew early on I would never have a conventional life. It's not who I am, and it's not for me. And if I ever did believe in any kind of destiny or fate, I was meant to merely observe, not to take part in.

I've often thought of myself as ahead of the average person in wisdom by ten years. But I'm behind them by ten years socially. This means I am where a sixteen-year-old would be. And the scary part is that's exactly how I feel. I'm just starting to figure women out, and how to deal with them. How to treat them, what they're really looking for, why they say one thing and do another, what their bodies say when their mouths won't, etc. It is now apparant that women are the most cryptic creatures on the planet, and trying to study and memorize every code is getting quite tiresome. I'm getting to the point where I don't even feel like trying anymore. It doesn't seem to be worth it. Maybe I'll have better luck in four more years when I have the skill of a 20-year-old...

Tuesday, December 6, 2005


Here comes the cold... A feeling of anticipation creeps in. With nothing immediate to look forward to, I'm excited about the distant future.

If you had to die a thousand deaths along the road to Heaven, would you still want to go?? Would all that pain be worth the eventual bliss? If you did go through with it, would you choose to remember the journey? Would you sleepwalk through and skip right to the good part, only to disregard the obstacles you have just overcome? Or would you try to find an easier way through? Perhaps take the long and dangerous way around? Would you simply take your chances heading in a different direction altogether? ...

Although I already have my answers, I will not be sharing them here. They are simply irrelevant to all of yours...


Currently I seem to be caught in the sea of life. Making my way slowly to the beautiful land I see ahead, struggling to break free of the tide that tugs me back to the past. My newest revelation is that I am winning this tug-of-war. It may take me longer than others, but I'm not going to give up that easily. Is that the best you can do, Life?

I find it interesting how much I am able to change certain aspects of my life when I want to. We all have this ability, but I rarely see it in effect it seems. Am I so far behind everyone that this is ancient news? Or am I somehow far ahead of the curve.... perhaps making up for my extreme lack of skills in the social world? For the first time in a long while, I'm excited to improve those things I never liked about myself. A long list maybe, but it's getting shorter by the hour.

I suppose in a way, this all reminds me of a Ninja Turtles video game. Don't laugh. Let me explain...

In many games, you have different characters to choose from... giving you different skills and qualities to approach the game itself with. In the TMNT arcade game for instance, deciding which turtle to play as can be a struggle in and of itself. You who have played it know this...

You have Raphael, who is the fastest character in the game. His "special" move is a roll-kick... completely unique to the other three turtles who have a "jump-slash" technique. But Raph's weapons also have the shortest reach, meaning you have to get closer to the enemies to be effective.

Then you have Donatello, who has a powerful weapon with the longest reach. He can bash foot soldiers from a few feet away. But he's the slowest turtle in the game.

Michelangelo has the most powerful weapons (with medium reach). But he too is slow, second only to Don. And that brings us to Leo, and my real point of all of this...

Leonardo is the all-around "go-to" guy. He's not the fastest, but he's not the slowest either. His weapons aren't the strongest, but they're not weak. It's the fact that he really has no obvious weakness that makes him the strongest in my mind. This is why I often find myself choosing him.

And I think of people this way. As if we are all in the "create-a-player" mode of a video game. We have a certain number of points to distribute to different areas of our lives. Just as some of us may be strong in good looks, others may be strong in intelligence. And I like to think we all began with the same amount of points. Perhaps figuring out where our own points were applied is something we need to learn for ourselves...

Well, I choose to be like Leo. I know there are ways in which I'm much more advanced than others, just as there are ways I'm far behind. But it's this mentality that allows me to distinguish the strengths from the weaknesses, and motivates me to do something about it. The only difference is, I'm refusing to sacrifice the points from my strengths. This means I have to create new points for myself to apply to the weaker parts of my character. And that's what I've been working on insistantly this past year or so. Eliminating and/or fixing- one at a time - those things that taunt me when I look in the mirror. I believe it can be done, and I'll find out how.

I feel like I'm still growing, yet everyone else has stopped and is just getting older.

Sunday, December 4, 2005

Mix CD #16

Here's mix #16 (in order):
  • "One Angry Dwarf And 200 Solemn Faces" - Ben Folds Five
  • "Struggle" - Ringside
  • "Jenny Wren" - Paul McCartney
  • "Long Walk Back" - Danny Wilde & The Rembrandts
  • "Fascination" - Meteor Seven
  • "Making Plans For Nigel" - XTC
  • "Young Nation" - Aaliyah
  • "Dark Street" - Fastball
  • "The Hand That Feeds (Straight Mix) - Nine Inch Nails
  • "Steppin' Out" - Joe Jackson
  • "We Drink On The Job" - Earlimart
  • "The Face I Love" - Astrud Gilberto
  • "Mais Feliz" - Bebel Gilberto
  • "All The Way Up To Heaven" - Guster
  • "It's A Shame" - Paul Jackson, Jr.
  • "Sleigh Ride" - Arthur Fiedler & Boston Pops Orchestra

I've been on a real music kick lately, so a couple tracks are already set aside for the next mix. Number #17 coming soon...

Saturday, December 3, 2005

Why I love TNG

Confused by the obvious flirting of a fellow female crewmember, Data proceeds to ask his other colleagues for advice...


[Data] "Captain. I am seeking advice in how to -"

[Picard] "Yes, I've heard Data. I will be delighted to offer any advice I can on understanding women. When I have some, I'll let you know." *Picard then turns and walks away*

Thursday, December 1, 2005

Today's Delivery ...... Again.

Another couple days, another package arrives from Amazon. It's kind of a nice feeling to get a lot of mail for a change. Sorta gives me this fake stature of importance, and I have to admit, I enjoy that feeling. And for all you bastards who read this and wonder why I've been complaining about being broke lately, well...... go blow yourselves. I'm not here to make sense. Chinese penis tarter sauce. And some gravy.... gotta have gravy.

So anyway, here's what showed up today:

  • TRY! - The debut album by the John Mayer Trio. It's got some great stuff and I'm really digging it. I recommend checking out the track 'Who Did You Think I Was?' if you're down for a bit of an introduction.
  • Simple Things - An amazing album by Zero 7, and my first. This is the album that has on it 'Destiny', 'Red Dust', 'Likufanele' and 'In The Waiting Line'. If you haven't heard 'In The Waiting Line' yet, go see Garden State. (It is heard during the party scene). No, really. See it right now! .... Again.

Tuesday, November 29, 2005

Today's Delivery

Okay, so like I said before, I've decided to not hold back with my words as much anymore. This means you might expect more fun words like shit, fucker, blow-goblin and ass-licker shooting out of my mouth and down through my fingers. Just warning you... I can have a dirty mouth too! Why should everyone else have all the fun?

With that said, here's what I got in the mail from Amazon today. ... Bitches.

  • TMNT DVD box set (all three films) - the DVD versions with the GOOD cases. Those square-flip-open-on-the-side DVD cases sorta piss me off. Not because I can't figure them out, just because the other ones look so much nicer and don't cover up the artwork.
  • Speak For Yourself - Imogen Heap's new solo album. If you don't know who Imogen is yet, see Frou Frou. If you haven't heard of Frou Frou, see Garden State. No really. See it right now.

Monday, November 28, 2005

Social In-Security

I find myself becoming more and more fed up and frustrated with the social side of life. That common lie among women... insisting that they "just want to find a nice guy". I'm not buying that anymore. It's those nice guys they either walk all over, or ignore completely. In a way, this final realization is liberating. No more will I worry about saying the wrong thing. No longer will I overanalyze my every motion, or study hers. That unreachable pedestal I placed women upon throughout the past is no longer in service. I continued to torture myself with the "what ifs" and "should have beens". Replaying in my head, over and over, the crucial events I sabotaged and fucked up with flaming inexperience. No more...

I now realize my approach was all wrong. Unfortunately, that old saying is completely true in this world ... "nice guys finish last". Well, I'm finally tired of finishing last. I'm tired of holding back. It's time to speak my mind and never apologize for it. It's time to step up and mold my currently-lacking lovelife into something more desirable.

Congratulations ladies, you have inspired one more "nice guy" to unleash his inner jerk.

Saturday, November 19, 2005

Quick Random Facts

  • I like Thanksgiving. I get to eat a whole lot without feeling guilty, and it makes me sleepy.
  • I just bought my ticket to go see Coldplay and Fiona Apple in January. They both hit Seattle a few months back seperately, but I was broke and couldn't go. But now they'll be appearing together, and I'm gonna be at that motherfucker!
  • I like pizza. I think I'm going to order one right now. I finally got some money and paid off a bunch of bills/debts. I'm also resisting urges to go buy a few things I've been wanting. So, I deserve to treat myself a little I think. I'll worry about exercising later. (One of those things I want to buy is a treadmill...)
  • Guster kicks ass! I've been listening to their album Lost And Gone Forever quite a bit lately. Every single song on there is great, check it out! :)

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

Sterile Way To Heaven

Okay, I have an interesting story to tell...

Today I had another appointment. I had to take another "sample" in, this time to the doctor himself. Ten minutes or so after handing the cup o' chowder to the nurse, I was called into one of the rooms. My doctor explained to me that my count is actually pretty low. It's not very likely I will be getting anyone pregnant. He reminds me (and of course I already know) that it's still a possiblilty because it only takes one. He said that if I still wanted to do the procedure, we could go ahead and do it today. It sounded great to me because I want that guarantee that I won't be knocking anyone up. And since I have the day off, it seemed like the perfect day to get it over with. So I did.

I can't say I've ever experienced anything quite as uniquely awkward as that. It involved me getting undressed from the waist down while showing off my junk to the doctor and his assistant. Now of course it's nothing unusual to them, as they go through that probably every day, but I still couldn't help feeling a bit embarrassed. Then the real fun began. Following a short warning, I felt a sting (shot of numbing agent) and a bit of squeezing. The squeezing was not exactly delightful, but only because I wasn't quite numb all the way yet. After a few more minutes of discomfort and flashes of mild pain, the procedure was done. But there was a bit of bleeding (which of course is to be expected with any incision). So after a few minutes more of holding gauze to the now stiched-up cut, I was ready to get dressed and get the post-vasectomy antibiotics on my way out. Little did I know, the experience was just beginning...

I got dressed, grabbed my things and made my way out to the hallway, where I asked one of the nurses if I was all done. She looked in my bag to see if they gave me the pills and extra gauze, etc. She mentioned something about another sample cup (for me to use for the follow-up test in three months). I told her I didn't have that yet, and that it might be what my nurse had left to get. All of a sudden I began to feel a little light-headed. I knelt down in the hallway and leaned against the wall slightly, opting to give myself a couple moments to shake of the mild dizziness. She asked if I was alright. I told her I get light-headed sometimes and should probably sit down for a couple minutes. She agreed and gave me a little stool with wheels, on which I sat down and leaned against the wall. She then asked if I wanted some "water or something". I told her that might be a good idea.

This was the last thing I remember...

What followed I can only describe as flashes of hyperspeed dreams. I remember the feeling of dreaming while flashing in and out of consciousness. I remember my doctor looking me in the eyes and saying my name loudly, almost on the verge of yelling. Although I could see and hear him, I was busy that moment not only trying to remember who and where I was, but attempting to separate reality from a dream. I did acknowlege him briefly, but continued to jump the line of consciousness.

The next thing I remember, I was lying on a low bed/table in one of the rooms. The doctor was over me again, saying my name and asking if I can see him. I told him I could. Then I started losing consciousness again, but before I could, he give me a light slap in the cheek to bring me around again. He continued to ask me if I could see him. I told him I still could. There were four people standing around me and watching my every move. Two of the nurses were taking my pulse, one with each arm. They were studying their watches and relaying the data to the others in the room. It was then I began to notice I felt very hot. In fact, I was literally sweating. I told them this and they took my sweater/jacket off. They continued to monitor my pulse. And about that time, one of them said it was at "43", at which time they looked at each other with this look that I interpreted to mean that I wasn't doing very well. And I remember wondering at that moment, "Am I dying here?". I had no idea what was going on, and I thought that to be quite interesting. I didn't know what happened, but I'm the one it happened to.

As I started becoming more and more awake, they began to tell me that I had passed out on the floor and began seizuring. Apparantly they had half-carried/half-dragged me into the closest room and onto a bed, all the while I continued to seize. I guess it lasted for about 15-20 seconds. It wasn't a major seizure like some people have, and I didn't seem to have any head trauma or anything, which is good. But still I almost didn't believe them right away because that has never happened to me before... as far as I know. But as I started to get the blood back into my brain, I began cooling off. My pulse began to rise and I became more aware. They kept talking to me about what happened, and the doctor told me he wants to send me to the ER to have me checked out. He was worried it may have been an allergic reaction to an antibiotic I had just taken immediately after the procedure. So they called the paramedics.

A few moments later, two paramedics showed up and found out what was going on. There was talk about calling an ambulance and a firetruck (as part of their textbook procedure). But the funny thing about this... The hospital was right across the street from the building we were in. So the guys called off the ambulance - which they said would have taken 15 minutes to get there anyway - and opted to just take me over in their own medic-truck. This decision probably saved me a grand in bills, so I made sure to express my appreciation. But as they hauled me there in a stretcher, I felt like such a tool. So helpless. By this time, I probably could have stood up and walked on my own, but they didn't want me to. Nevertheless, once again...... I ended up in the Emergency Room.

There's not a whole lot else to really report, other than they kept me in the ER for a couple hours while running a few tests on me to make sure I'm alright. The fainting/seizure was thought to have been a simple reaction from the numbing agent shot I received an hour earlier. And since I've had a history fainting after shots - of which I told them about - I think it's probably a pretty accurate assessment. Apparantly it is not as uncommon among patients as it seems.

I left the hospital and drove straight home. I called up my boss first, told her what happened and that I won't be in this afternoon, and that my doctor recommended I take tomorrow off as well. Then I went to my parents' house to collect some money my dad got for me today (paying me for the work I helped him with) so I could pick up my antibiotic prescription.

I'm back home now. I'm feeling much better, aside from some mild swelling due to the procedure itself. And... I have my ice pack. I stopped and rented a few movies for tonight and tomorrow, so I'll have plenty of time to rest. Oh, and for once I'm pretty happy about not getting laid this week. It's the last thing on my mind right now...

Monday, November 14, 2005

Thought Of The Day

I may not yet know exactly what I want. But I undoubtedly know what I don't want.

Saturday, November 12, 2005


On Tuesday, I had an appointment with a urologist. For years now, I've been interested in getting a vasectomy. I have no desire to be a father, to have a family, to be tied down, to contribute in bringing another person into this fucked world we know. I have no desire for any of it...

So I'm at this appointment, and the doctor is asking me about why I want this vasectomy so badly. He asks me, "What if you fall in love with some girl in the future and she wants to have kids?". I almost wanted to laugh at how unrealistic that sounded, but I didn't. I tried to play it off as if it were a scenario that was actually possible for me. After asking me some other things about my parents and siblings, etc, he told me he'd do the procedure from a business standpoint, but he doesn't recommend it for me. I understand his concern, but I'm not an idiot. I can make my own decisions.

During the consultation, the likeliness arises that I may not even be able to have kids in the first place, in which case, I obviously wouldn't even need the procedure done. This possibility gave me some very strong mixed feelings. On one hand, it's ideal. I'd know once and for all that I will never be knocking anyone up and will never be responsible for a kid I don't want. On the other hand, it would mean that all the time I had spent thinking about it in the past was completely unnecessary because it was never in my control to begin with. So it was suggested that I have a test done to check my fertility. We made a plan to get this test done over the weekend and to schedule a follow-up appointment next Wednesday to discuss the results.

Today rolls around. Time to get this test taken care of and over with. So what do I have to do? I have to come up with a sperm sample in a cup they gave me and deliver it to hospital lab in a different town within an hour. This is not exactly a fun thing to do.

So I do what I have to and drive to the hospital. I walked through the emergency entrance, just as I was instructed, and proceed to check in with staff. After a few minutes of answering demographic questions, I am finally given directions to the lab upstairs. All the while, I'm carrying around a bag full of embarrassment... and there are other patients around. I find my way to the lab, just in time for my sample to still be good (within one hour). In the waiting room, there is a couple and their baby, waiting to be helped. A lady comes out to the main desk and asks me what I need. I tell her I'm here to just drop off a sample, and I show her my paperwork. She looks at me with confusion and tells me, "Oh, we don't do that here anymore." She continues to tell me how they only do testing for POST-vasectomy samples, and that I need to go to some other hospital. Then she asks me when I "collected" the sample (keep in mind this other couple is right behind me the whole time). I tell her it's been within an hour and that I was told to bring it here. She apologizes but continues to insist that they "don't do that anymore". By this point, I was entirely pissed off. Here I am, embarrassing the hell out of myself carrying around a sample that is outdating itself minute-by-minute, and it turns out it was all for nothing because they can't help me where I was told to go.

So I went back downstairs and talked to the ER people that had checked me in earlier and let them know about the situation. They exchanged puzzled and surprised looks and offered to call a few places to find out where I should take the sample. I told them thanks, but that there's really no point anymore because it won't be any good anyway by the time I find out where I'm supposed to really go. I told them I'll just have to talk to the urologist's office again and let them know that they sent me to the wrong place. And of course this entire time, it's not like I was completely embarrassed or anything. *note the intense sarcasm* It seems I'll get to go through it all once more. And to top it all off, I made the entire trip for nothing and my gas tank was running on empty... with hardly any money to buy more with.

Now I have to find some time on Monday to get ahold of that office, tell them what's going on, reschedule the follow-up appointment, tell my boss that I'll need to change my appointment... and who the hell even knows where I'll have to take a new sample...

Aside from this whole episode, I went out for a couple drinks last night. As usual, nobody even talked to me. As usual, I felt completely irrelevant. Like a burden. A waste of a clean glass. An inconvenience using up perfectly good oxygen. It's not the Jack & Coke that makes me feel this way. It's everything else.

And tonight, of course, instead of going out again (I'm broke. And besides, what's really the point anyway?), I'm home alone spending my prime Saturday night hours writing in this stupid fucking blog that doesn't matter or contribute to the world in any positive way whatsoever. I'll be working most of Sunday, so I'm not really looking forward to that either. Then I still have all the shit next week to dread...

Sometimes I really wonder if I should just put a fucking bullet in my head. I might finally have piece of mind. (Pun not intended)

Monday, November 7, 2005

Filmosophy (Vol 2)

Fight Club:

"On a long enough timeline, the survival rate for everyone drops to zero."

"The things you own end up owning you."

Vanilla Sky:

"Every passing minute is another chance to turn it all around."

"The little things. There's nothing bigger, is there?"

"One day you'll know what love truly is. It's the sour and the sweet. And I KNOW sour, which allows me to appreciate the sweet. ... You will never know the exquisite pain of the guy who goes home alone... because without the bitter, baby, the sweet ain't as sweet."

American Beauty:

"Both my wife and daughter think I'm this gigantic loser. And they're right. I have lost something. I'm not exactly sure what it is, but I know I didn't always feel this... sedated. But you know what? It's never to late to get it back."

The Hitchhiker's Guide to The Galaxy:

"Time is an illusion. Lunchtime... doubley so."

"Only when you know a question, will you know what the answer means."

Sunday, November 6, 2005


I try to pretend my bed is warm
I pretend your whispers caress my ear
your smile infects me
and your eyes pierce into my soul
but the truth is apparant
you are only a figment of my imagination
an unrealistic desire
a boyhood fantasy lost in the circuits of time
i carried you through, and in turn you dragged me down
clinging only to the hope i had of you
i know now
i know you will never have me
you will never have me, just as i will never know you
shall i end this struggle?
or keep at it still?
when the possibilities once made me feel
this question was surely absurd
if there is a new beginning following the end
perhaps i will meet you there
but until then, i will keep searching
not just in my determination to find a purpose
but to finally convince myself that i know nothing

Friday, November 4, 2005

Magical History Tour

"We have come for many miles to rock you tonight... and we will."

What a great night! After looking forward to this show since getting the lower-level stagefront tickets about seven months ago, I was NOT disappointed.

The show, scheduled to start at 8pm, was delayed a good half-hour for some mysterious reason. At about 8:30pm or so, a DJ came out and played broken samples of McCartney's older stuff. It was very odd to see a DJ working the crowd before a Paul McCartney stuff, and although the lights were neat to look at, I'm not sure the slightly older majority of the crowd was really into it. Ten minutes later or so, my dad decided to go use the restroom. He had been waiting with our assumption that as soon as he left, Paul would come out. He came back and told me that in the restroom, another guy said to him, "This is bullshit! Where's Paul?". About 30 minutes later, he got his answer.

At about 8:50, the DJ left and a short lifespan documentary narrated by Sir Paul himself began on the giant screen over the stage. Spanning his Quarrymen & Beatles days... through his years with Wings, the solo material to follow, and his more recent fundraising/superbowl appearances... It was pretty interesting and relevant as a buildup to the beginning of the show. But the best part about it, of course, was knowing that any minute now we were all going to share a couple hours with The Man himself. Arguably the greatest musician/song writer in modern history. The Beatle. The legend. Sharing a room with me.

The set list:
  • Magical Mystery Tour
  • Flaming Pie
  • Jet
  • I'll Get You
  • Drive My Car
  • Till There Was You
  • Let Me Roll It
  • Got To Get You Into My Life
[A piano rises from under the stage. Paul tells us a story about how on the second night of the tour, he forgot there was a big hole from the piano area and fell down into it. He then sat down at the piano and played]
  • Fine Line
  • Maybe I'm Amazed
  • The Long And Winding Road
[The rest of his band leaves, and Paul takes out an acoustic guitar for a more intimate set]
  • In Spite Of All The Danger
  • I Will
  • Jenny Wren
[Back on the piano]
  • For No One
  • Fixing A Hole
  • English Tea
[Solo acoustic again]
  • I'll Follow The Sun
  • Follow Me
  • Blackbird (before which, Paul explains how the song was inspired by a Bach piece he and George used to play acoustically)
[The band returns]
  • Eleanor Rigby
  • Too Many People
  • She Came In Through The Bathroom Window
  • Good Day Sunshine (beforehand, Paul talk about how NASA used it to wake the crew of Discovery the day they could finally lead them back to Earth. (*I get the names mixed up sometimes, so if that's not the most recent one let me know*) He even shared the actual communications between NASA and the shuttle with us!)
  • Band On The Run
  • Penny Lane
  • I've Got A Feeling
  • Back In the U.S.S.R.
  • Hey Jude
  • Live And Let Die (including sweet pyrotechnics - a first for me!)
[Encore #1]
  • Yesterday
  • Get Back
  • Helter Skelter
[Encore #2]
  • Please Please Me
  • Let It Be
  • Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Heart Club Band (Reprise)
  • The End
37 songs!! An amazing concert... another one to move to the top of my list. My parents and I all enjoyed it immensely. It was the third time my mom had seen him live. The second for my dad, and the first for me. Unreal.

The only downside is in knowing that it may be the last chance we'll ever get to experience that again.

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

Mix CD #15

The most recent addition in my library of custom mixes (once again, in order):

  • "Don't Stop" - Brazilian Girls
  • "Just Like You" - Three Days Grace
  • "Plug It In" - Basement Jaxx (featuring J.C. Chasez)
  • "SloLove" - Janet Jackson
  • "Loro" - Pinback
  • "Redundant" - Green Day
  • "Shut Yo Face (Uncle Fucka)" - Trick Daddy (featuring Trina & Tre +6)
  • "I Get Around" - Tupac Shakur
  • "Technologic" - Daft Punk
  • "This Lull-A-Bye" - Esthero
  • "A Mile Away" - J Minus
  • "All Night Long" - Boyz II Men
  • "Black Again" - Stone Temple Pilots
  • "Pussy" - Brazilian Girls
  • "Super Strut" - Deodato

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

Short Takes # 2

More random shit. I've been feeling quite lazy lately as far as sentence structuring is concerned. Can you tell?

  • Looking forward to the upcoming DVD release of Revenge Of The Sith. Can't wait to hear those sabers vibrating through my DTS system. :)
  • In a couple weeks I'll be watching Mr. McCartney in person for the first time. Or, as I like to refer to him, The Paul. It's an unreal feeling to think ahead to this concert. I'm so excited for it.
  • Speaking of concerts, I'll be missing out on the Foo Fighters/Weezer show I'd love to see. :( But I should be able to at least squeeze out tickets to see Fiona Apple late next month. We'll see about that. I had to miss seeing Imogen Heap last week too. I'm bummed...
  • But I've been meeting some cool people from myspace recently. And I'm beginning to get a network of friends going in real life as well. That's something I could really use again for a change. Friends. I've almost forgotten what they're like.
  • Work is slowly ascending. I get my first full paycheck on Friday. And now that I've paid off the majority of my bills (with the last paycheck), I'll be doing much better on the money front. It's about time.
  • I sit next to this slightly older woman who is completely hot and nice. We seem to get along well. But she's a co-worker. I have a rule against going there. And she's married. I have a rule against going there as well. But other than those minor issues, I would SO go there, you know?
  • I am also allowed to listen to music while I work. I cannot begin to describe how refreshing this is to me. I no longer feel like I'm completely wasting my life in persuit of money. At least now I can "kill two birds with one stone" and spend that time listening to music. If I'm going to be there anyway, I might as well be there lost in a song. I also experimented with tuning into my favorite talk-radio station online. So that's another option I have for my workdays. Seriously comedic thought-provoking shows. Now I can listen to BJ Shea ( and Tom Leykis ( in their entirity. Something I was never able to do in the past. I'm stoked about that. I've learned so much by listening in the past it's not even funny.
  • Having lunch with my Grandma tomorrow @ Golden Phoenix. It's a Chinese place, which I've been really craving lately. I actually put an old german stein on ebay for her this last week. It was my great grandmother's (her mom's) piece that is worth around $500. We'll see how it does. She's selling two of them.
  • And I'm finally making it around to going through some old games I have. Yesterday I broke out the SNES (or 'Super Nintendo Entertainment System', for you less knowledgeable of gamer-lingo). I'll be testing out many of the games on my computer's SNES emulator. If they work fine on here, I may sell a few of the physical cartridges to free up more space and make a buck or two in the process. But it'll be hard letting go of some of those games. I love that system. And those games are basically old friends I haven't visited in years.
  • Doing better in the female department. Met a couple ladies. Been on a few dates. Things are smoother with Jen. Beginning to carve out some casual relationships with this new confidence I recently found under the couch. I've been sharpening and fine-tuning it a lot lately. Sometimes I surprise myself, and it feels good. Really good, in fact. Just call me the journeyman carver. Then again, I just hope I don't end up as an old man fashioning a kayak out of a log.
  • Speaking of artwork, I'm getting more and more serious about carving myself a new body. Or rather, molding the one I have into something nicer. I asked Keely (my roommate) if she would have a problem if I were to put a treadmill in the living room (we have a bit of empty space). She wouldn't have an issue with it, so I may do just that. I could watch the news while I walk a few miles every night. I'm looking forward to putting that plan into action.
  • My dad and I helped another guy basically clear out his basement and knock down a couple walls. The guy is going to turn his whole downstairs into a studio where we can all play every weekend (or whenever). We took my drumset up last weekend and set it all up. I put my real cymbals on and took out the electronic ones... they were cutting out a little anyway. Also, my dad's going to buy me a hi-hat stand so I can use my real hi-hats. I'm excited to pick that up this week in time for Sunday, when we go up there next.

Well that's all I can think of right now. I really need to get to sleep. And I have $20 in the bank until Friday. It sucks. But at least I have you guys to complain about it too...

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

Filmosophy (Vol 1)

American Beauty:

"Remember those posters that said: 'Today is the first day of the rest of your life.'? Well, that's true with every day except one... the day you die."

"My daughter Jane. Only Child. Janie's a pretty typical teenager: angry, insecure, confused. I wish I could tell her that's all going to pass, but I don't want to lie to her."

Garden State:

"You know that point in your life when you realize the house you grew up in isn't really your home anymore? All of a sudden, even though you have some place where you put your shit, that idea of home is gone. ... You'll see one day when you move out. Just sorta happens one day and it's gone. You feel like you can never get it back. It's like you feel homesick for a place that doesn't even exist. Maybe it's like this rite of passage, you know? You won't ever have that feeling again until you create a new idea of home for yourself. You know, for your kids. For the family you start. It's like a cycle or something. ... I don't know. But I miss the idea of it, you know? Maybe that's all a family really is. A group of people that miss the same imaginary place."

Sweet November:

"She told me if she couldn't live a normal life... she was determined to live an abnormal one the best way she could."

The Story Of Us:

"Since you'll never really find the answers to the big questions, there's a comfort in knowing the answers to the little ones."

"Love is just lust... in disguise."

Strange Days:

"One man's mundane and desperate existance is another man's Technicolor."

Sunday, October 9, 2005

Partial-Sentence Mosaic

You and I. Together forever. Time has no meaning. This is what I desire. With the deepest emotion I may possibly offer. I am speaking to you directly. If never again. May I have this chance? May I only take advantage of this opportunity for once in my life? I love you. With everything that I am, and everything that I could be. I love you and I want only you. You are my atmosphere. The thought of you keeps me safe, protecting me from the evil outside of us. We were destined to spend eternity together. Can't you see that? Isn't it obvious enough yet? Someone has to protect the known universe from lonliness. It became our job. I volunteered us. Oops... my bad. But we will show them. The greatest pair to ever float through existance. Us. We will show them, and we will live on.

Something I've never told you... I feel you in me. In fact, forget that. I feel.

And not only do I feel, now I desire as well. What do I desire, you may ask? You of course. I may not know you. I may have never met you. But I want you. .........

So where are you?

Thursday, October 6, 2005

Ascending Rant

Where to start? Where to show up, where to begin? Just finished watching a movie I love, and I'm feeling high. (How nice it would be to meet someone Garden State style.) I might have been downtown watching Imogen in person tonight, but I'm not. Sucks being completely broke. Got a note from the main office saying that I need to pay rent or I might get evicted soon. I do get paid tomorrow, but the money is still not in my account. I really hate to risk bouncing a check, but I dropped the rent check off right away and left a message with the manager explaining that I get paid tomorrow, etc. I don't enjoy being in debt.

I finally took my headphones to work this morning. Aside from the dreaded hour-plus "phonetime", my weekdays just got much more bearable. Now I can listen to full albums while doing the mindless work that owns me. Today I listened to some Coldplay, McCartney, Astrud, Rembrandts & Mono. Nobody cares. Looking forward to pulling out my music each day from now on though...

Also talked to a guy who I kinda know online, and he lives in the area too. We might get together and party a bit with some of his friends. You never know you who you might meet... that's the true magic of parties. I figured that out quickly, and I don't even get invited to many of them. But somehow that magic is usually there, and it sounds like a hella goodtime, especially after watching that great scene again in the movie. It's really funny how many of my best memories - hanging with friends, feeling that belonging, reminiscing possibilities of hooking up with a beautiful stranger - are from the few parties I've experienced for myself. I'm so looking forward to having the chance to go to more.

What else?

I've been a little bummed lately. Depressed. Flustered. I don't know exactly why, but I know the lack of money is certainly contributing. Confusion in the world of women? Perhaps. Feeling a bit friendless too. I do have friends, but they're mostly in other states and/or countries. And many of them I've been out of touch with.

... I suppose I feel there are many places to fly, but I have no money for a plane ticket.

Sunday, October 2, 2005

Rock Mix

On Saturday I made myself a mix CD of rock stuff. These are songs that don't just have cool riffs in them... they actually rock my socks off! I had to cut a few contenders out of the list unfortunately, due to storage limits. But I ended up with a choice track-list (in the following order). Check any of these out if you're in the mood for some hard rock:

  • "You Think I Ain't Worth A Dollar, But I Feel Like A Millionaire" - Queens Of The Stone Age
  • "What If" - Creed
  • "High" - Jimmie's Chicken Shack
  • "Push It" - Static-X
  • "When Worlds Collide" - Powerman 5000
  • "Nothing Special" - Local H
  • "Biggest And The Best" - Clawfinger
  • "My Hero" - Foo Fighters
  • "All In The Suit That You Wear" - Stone Temple Pilots
  • "My Own Summer (Shove It)" - Deftones
  • "Droppin' Plates" - Disturbed
  • "Bodies" - Drowning Pool
  • "Posthuman" - Marilyn Manson
  • "Reload" - Rob Zombie
  • "Meant To Live" - Switchfoot
  • "Humans Being" - Van Halen
  • "Get Free" - The Vines
  • "Fuck Me" - Vanilla Ice

Saturday, October 1, 2005

Friday Night Light

Friday was a night of new beginnings.

A date for eight downtown in tow, it turns out I was dragged to the outskirts instead. Bellevue yes, Seattle... not quite. The four of us ended up in the lounge of a random chinese food place. A lounge that just happened to be hosting karaoke night...

To get right to the point, I was on a good three Bacardi-on-the-rocks plus two "Buttery Nipples" buzz. They ended up pulling me up to sing with them. We first did a horrible but highly entertaining rendition of "The Bad Touch" by Bloodhound Gang. I felt I had to pick up a lot of the slack as far as the lyrics went. And having lost a few brain cells moments earlier, I admit to not standing up to the quality of my typical performances in my car. Nevertheless, it was very interesting. Later in the evening, I found myself even dancing and socializing with the other drunk locals. We even went up and sang "Across The Universe". If you don't know the song, I feel bad for you. Either the John Lennon or Fiona Apple version... take your pick. Do yourself a favor and listen to it right now.

I didn't have to drive at all, so I was able to let loose most of the night. And even better, I didn't have to pay for anything. All drinks were bought for me. :) In the process, it seems as though I may have made three new friends. I have a feeling we'll all be going out again soon...

Wednesday, September 28, 2005

Down By The Fire

An interesting question was recently brought up by someone online:

'Is a threesome a sub-category of an orgy?'

...This made me think, and sparked this reply of mine...

"Okay people, let me clear this shit up for you right now...

An "orgy", as defined in Ryan's 21st Century Dictionary, is "a whole lotta sex between five or more people". That's right, five. And we're not including little kids, family members or animals. There's a different name for that act. It's called Nebraska. But anyway, let me break it down a bit more.

5+: You have five people getting it on, that's an orgy. Maybe you have ten people all blowing and fingering each other. That's impressive... but still an orgy.

4: This is a foursome. Not quite reaching orgy status. These are most commonly involving two couples (MFMF), which is why it does not qualify as an orgy. If all four people happen to be men, it's probably taking place in a locker room before a football game, in which case it could be referred to as a "pre-game ritual". If all four happen to be women, I call it "neato".... that is, after I'm done jerking off all over myself. If it is (MMMF), it's probably happening at a frat house, and the chick is getting stuffed full of hot man chowder with a side of VD. But if the foursome happens to be (FFFM), I only hope the guy is me. A guy like that (assuming he didn't pay for it), is a god. A real asshole, sure, because I can't even get laid by ONE chick anymore... but still, he's a hero to men everywhere.

3: This is a threesome. Obviously not an orgy. Unfortunately, I'm the one person who ever existed and has not had the opportunity to try something like this, so I cannot specify the exact procedure of the common threesome. But I'll bet it involves a lot of blow-munching and fingers in random vaginas. Probably also involves lots of discolored stainsand a Barry White album oozing through the speakers...

2: The common "sex" had by most. One on one... just like that old Nintendo game, Jordan vs. Bird... except this one on one is much nastier (and more fun to score on too). "Two-somes" usually involves a couple who is dating, and in the phase where they tell each other sweet things like "Don't answer the phone. Just let it ring. By the way, should I pull out and fuck your ass a little bit?". The married version of two-some sex is a bit different however. Not much is actually known about sex in a marriage. It is said to be quite rare. But those scattered reports we have hint at these same occurances:

Kissing, groping, worrying about children, headaches, frustration, blue-balls, name-calling, an issue of Maxim, a jar of Vaseline and a night of silence to follow.

...Our scientists are still studying the evidence and formulating a new theory. More on that later.

1: Obviously not an orgy. An orgy may be taking place in your mind, but not in reality. This is how I generally end up spending my Saturday nights. It sucks, but at least I don't have to shower or buy fucking jewelry..."

Saturday, September 24, 2005

...And All That Was

Well, the concert was fucking amazing... as I knew it would be. Since Wayne had never been to a concert before, it was the perfect way to introduce him to the experience. NIN is the favorite band of both of us, and I hadn't seen them yet either.

After parking for the show we made our way towards Key Arena (the venue), which basically sits under the Space Needle. As we got to the gates, security was doing something I've never seen before. All men had to enter through the left side doors, and all women through the right. All we know is that it had to do with the way they were searching everyone for weapons. It's funny, I saw Van Halen at this very venue late last year, and there were no searches. Apparantly, Nine Inch Nails fans must be abnormally voilent and uncontrollable. Whatever.

After avoiding entry in order to share a Bacardi 50ml bottle in a nearby restroom, we finally made our way into the arena. A band called Autolux was already playing. They sounded interesting and somewhat instrumental, but their set was pretty much over by the time we found our seats. Enter: Queens Of The Stone Age. These guys were pretty good. Unfortunately, I would have enjoyed their set much more if I was more familiar with their stuff. I do have their album "Songs For The Deaf" and I did recognize a couple of songs I knew, as well as others I should pull up and listen to. It was great to hear "No One Knows" live. I love that song. But really, we went to see our friend Trent. Anyone else just doesn't begin to compare.

The lights soon went down, and one of the best shows I've ever seen then began.

It started with sporadically flashing lights and a layer or two of fog... just enough to see the silhouettes of Trent and the gang as they took their places on stage. It was completely unreal. As if we had recreated the ultimate NIN show on a holodeck, and Trent was playing just for us. We reveled throughout the entire set. And here it was (in order):
  • Pinion
  • Love Is Not Enough
  • Wish
  • Terrible Lie
  • The Line Begins to Blur
  • March Of The Pigs
  • The Frail
  • The Wretched
  • Closer
  • Burn
  • Gave Up
  • Eraser
  • Right Where It Belongs
  • Beside You In Time
  • You Know What You Are
  • Sin
  • Only
  • Not So Pretty Now [NEW]
  • Deep
  • Down In It
  • Hurt
  • The Hand That Feeds
  • Starfuckers, Inc.
  • Head Like A Hole

Sunday, September 18, 2005


It's funny how my toughts will stray
it happens mostly when I drink
my sense of self will lose its way
my mind can never cease to think

it shouldn't happen, this i know
for well intentioned souls like me
while dreams are faded; chances blown
denied my piece of destiny

i don't know what to do in life
it's more confusing all the time
forget my talents, find a wife?
or should i save up every dime?

this world is funny in that way
it smiles as it teases you
but all the while it turns each day
not caring if you're ready to

my life grows shorter with each year
yet still i always feel the same
it seems as though i'm losing here
and life is only now a game

a competition with myself
is what i like to think of it
but money power sex and health
are things that other people get

i hope to someday find the cure
to this disease inside of me
its beauty both unique and pure
will show me who i want to be

Thursday, September 15, 2005

Optimistic River

I'm a little overdue for somewhat of a positive post. So here are some things I've either really been loving about life recently, or things that I'm very excited about for the [near] future. These are the thoughts that have been flowing through me lately:

  • Next Wednesday, Wayne will be coming over from Montana. I have that Thursday & Friday off (as well as the following Monday) so we can hang out and party a bit. We're going to forget all the shit in our lives and just have the fun we never get to have. On Friday, I'm taking him to see NIN (Nine Inch Nails). NIN is not only our favorite band, but it just so happens Wayne has never been to a concert before. We've always agreed to go see them the next chance we had, and this is it. I bought the tickets the morning they went on sale and I'm not letting him pay me back... it's my treat. I haven't seen NIN before either, so in a way it'll be a first for both of us. It will be unreal. ... As for Wayne himself, he just got a new job he really likes, and he sounds happier than he has been in quite awhile.
  • ...And I haven't told him yet, but I also have plenty of other fun things planned for us to do that weekend. We're going to hit some fun bars on crowded nights, listen to some majorly kickass music, watch some classic films, go get some fantabulicious meals, etc.
  • My new job seems like it's going to be pretty good for me. It'll be a lot of computer work, which I like, VERY close to home, and I can go home for lunch everyday now.
  • First thing Monday morning, before my orientation, I found an abandoned brown kitten in the parking garage. He was crying for someone, so I picked him up and carried him with me into the hospital. An older lady asked me if I was bringing my friend into the hospital for care, and I told her the situation. Just then, a female employee walked in the entrance, who I assume was a nurse. I showed her the scared little purry guy and told her I found him up in the parking garage. I then asked her if she knew where I could take him. She told me she could take him, and that I'd be giving him to an office full of cat lovers. I knew he'd be in good hands, so I handed him to her and he just kept on purring. That made me feel good.
  • Those new cymbals sound awesome! They remind me of Ringo's sound, which is why I got them in the first place. :)
  • My good friend Dian has expressed interest in moving to the United States at some point soon. I'm very excited for her, and hope to help with the process any way I can. It's a tough process for her, but I know she can do it if she really wants to. Maybe she'll even decide on this part of the country and we could start hanging out in real life. Who knows what that could possibly lead to. I'm incredibly anxious to find out. You never know...
  • I'm in a much better spot financially. Don't get me wrong, I'm still pretty much broke, but now I have my accounts set up the way I want them, with intent to get them going once and for all. As you know, I just started a new job, so it'll take a month or so to get back into saving mode.
  • Laura is now married, and she seems very happy. I don't remember the last time I've seen her so .... at peace with herself. Okay, so I don't usually get to "see" her, I guess I can only "read" her to be happy. But she is, and that's awesome. I'm happy for her (and Kyle)! :) She's been long overdue for some relaxation... especially of the mind.
  • A woman I've casually dated a few times in the previous months has contacted me out of the blue, after a month or so of no communication between us. She wants to start hanging out again and I think it would be really fun. So we'll be going out for drinks later this week.
  • I've been checking out lots of new music lately... new to me, at least. There's so much great stuff out there nowadays. Sometimes I feel guilty when people say "they don't make good music anymore". They do actually. It's out there, it just may not be in the spotlight right now.
  • And on top of everything else... I get the new copy of Premiere in my mailbox, and Charlize is right there looking me in the eyes.

Sunday, September 11, 2005

Drunken Rant # 2

Sometimes I hate myself and everything I am.

I saw a girl I would be happy with. She was a short blonde with black glasses. Those pouty lips I love so much, and a mouth that didn't hold back. Her name was Jessi, short for Jessica. She was engaged for three years to her fiance named Joe. This I squeezed out of her myself...

I went out to three different places tonight. Usual places. The third place was the so called "charm". This is where I met her. Her mom was even hot. Surprising when I found out that Jessi was her daughter. I was sitting in the booth next to the family, trying to mind my business and drinking my Bacardi & Cokes. Eventually, Jessi asked if she could sit at my booth (next to her family), and I of course said "sure, no problem". After awhile, she ended up sitting on my side of the booth, right next to me. It was then I asked her name and offered mine. I did everything I could to keep the conversation going. I asked her if she was married, because I had earlier noticed a ring on her finger. That's when she told me she was engaged. I replied with, "That's just my goddamn luck." Then I said to her, "Just for the record, if you weren't engaged, I'd totally be hitting on you right now. But I don't want to mess up a good thing." We talked a little bit more, all the while I secretly fantasized about actually having a chance with her. And eventually, she was called away by her family.

Throughout the night, I just sat there hoping she would come back to me to talk. But it was all wishful thinking. She had so much family around her, and guys circling her, all hanging around, waiting for their chance to strike. I wanted to give her my number and tell her if for any chance it didn't work out, and she was single again, to give me a call. But I never had that opportunity. And it soon occurred to me that I really have no chance in this society. I blow every opportunity I touch. I'm a disease; a virus to hope itself. I will never fit in, no matter how hard I try.

On the way home, I had so much frustration inside, I felt like crying. That's quite a statement coming from someone who is typically so emotionally absent. As much as I have tried to learn and observe, I still cannot make it happen. It's as if I was never meant for it. Perhaps I was only meant to look in from the outside... I can see the store of adventure, but it is always closed in my presence. All I can ever do is look through the window and hope I don't catch a glare.


Joe is her fiance. That name is a curse. "Joe" is also Liz's husband's name. If you don't know who Liz is, check under "Ryan's lifelong torture".

Friday, September 9, 2005

Mix CD #14

It's that time again. My new mix CD for the car (in track order):

  • "Woke Up This Morning" - Alabama 3
  • "Getting Scared" - Imogen Heap
  • "One Word (Chris Cox Radio Edit)" - Kelly Osbourne
  • "The Distance" - Cake
  • "Baby C'mon" - Boyz II Men
  • "Under The Tracks" - Creeper Lagoon
  • "They" - Jem
  • "Escape" - Enrique Iglesias
  • "Fair" - Ben Folds Five
  • "Montana" - Venus Hum
  • "Generals And Majors" - XTC
  • "Tribute" - Tenacious D
  • "Teardrop" - Massive Attack
  • "Stitched Up" - Herbie Hancock (featuring John Mayer)
  • "Freetime" - Kenna
  • "One Arm Break" - Zero 7

I'm in the middle of discovering some different stuff I haven't heard before, so I already have a couple tracks set aside for mix #15. The first track set aside for that mix... "Don't Stop" by Brazilian Girls. They have some great shit. (And by "shit", I actually mean "songs".)

Tuesday, September 6, 2005

The Countdown Begins

One more week of freedom. One more week of fun.
One more week of finding time to message everyone.
One more week of relaxation.
One more week of bliss.
One more week before I have a higher ass to kiss.

Next monday, my NEO starts. That's "New Employee Orientation" if you don't know. I just find it funny that I can call it "My NEO". You'd think I was the chosen one or something. But somehow, I know it won't be as glamorous. I mean, they probably won't even teach us any kung-fu! Although if they did, that would be rad.

Still, I've been feeling better this past week. Yesterday was particuarly pleasant in fact. My dad took me down to Guitar Center ( to check out some deals on music equipment. He had given me a $50 gift card last Christmas, and I still hadn't used it because I was never quite sure what to get. So we went down there, and he talked me into picking up some cymbals (for drums). After thinking about it, it was quite the perfect idea. Whenever we go up to the studio to jam, I always borrow the "house cymbals" to put on the drum kits they keep there. (The house cymbals are really bad quality ones, mostly throwaways and donations.) So he bought me, with his own money plus the card, a brand new set of Zildjian cymbals... quite close to the same kind Ringo played. They are $750 cymbals together (crash, ride & two hi-hats), but due to the Labor Day sale, and the fact that he paid cash, he was able to grab them for $300. So I'm all excited to try them out on Sunday. Plus, I can use them on my electronic set when I'm able to set that back up.

Another reason yesterday was pleasant was because I received a call from halfway around the world for the first time. Although I didn't want Di to have a huge phone bill, she still called me up and talked for a good three minutes. Eventually she got cut off, but it was great, and quite the experience even though I sounded like a stupid asshole. I told her later that it was so strange because I know her so well, yet I'm not used to hearing her voice. She has a great one too. :) So that was cool.

So this week I'll be sending some more stuff off that sold on ebay, making my calls and taking care of whatever else I can before Monday. I'll keep you updated because I know you're all on the edge of your seats. :P

Friday, September 2, 2005

Strange Days

Sober reasons I love the film Strange Days:

"One man's mundane and desperate existance is another man's Technicolor."

"I love your eyes, Lenny. I love the way they see."

"She could take all the hurt and rage in the entire world and lift it up to Heaven in one voice."

Drunken Rant version of reasons I love the film Strange Days:

I love it because I now realize that Lenny Nero, the main character, is basically me in another world. Tortured by the one who inspired him to be everything is now; completely different than everything he once was. His only motivation in life is to make her happy even though she is no longer in his life. Minor issues like that do not stall guys like us. We want to believe. We want it so badly that it soon becomes all we know. Yet, Lenny has so much potential. He could sell water to seahorse and never break a sweat. He has all the tools other guys would love to have, but he can never be complete. Not without her. For she is the missing piece to his puzzle of life. Without her, life will never be complete anyway. The best we can hope for, is to start a new puzzle on the side. An unknown puzzle filled with inexperience and awkwardness. Hoping only that posthumous dreams can be realized somewhere close to the magnitude of the first. This
is why we still exist. That hope, as insignificant as it may seem...

Wednesday, August 31, 2005

Gaining Ground

Today I feel somehow like a slightly different person. I like that.

Earlier today, I did something I've never gotten around to doing before. I went and set up a portfolio with an investment firm. I figure now is the time to start building some investments for the future, just in case I actually do live that long. You never know. I've been putting it off all this time; but no longer. Having gone into this week with practically no knowledge whatsoever of investing and accounts, I've learned quite a bit these last couple days. 401's, 403's, IRA's, Roth's, etc... It all was confusing as hell to me, but now I seem to be getting the grasp of it. So now I have a temporary IRA, which will soon be transfered to a Roth account as soon as it clears from my previous employer. Plus, I'll have my other retirement account with my new employer as soon as I start (which should be very soon). To make a long story shorter... now I'll finally be able to start saving some money up for the years to come. I plan to live well.

Also, I posted about eight things on ebay today. lol I've been in the continuous process of downsizing my possesions, downsizing my needs, downsizing my life. I seek a more Jedi-like existance. But obviously, I'll be keeping the stuff I actually use... like my computer. lol I mean, I'm not crazy!

Saturday, August 27, 2005

Realization Of The Day

I'm not overly impressed with people who are into material shit.

If Only

It's funny.

I just can't describe how funny this world works sometimes. I went out tonight. Not to Jen's as usual. I went out to the bars (barS... as in, plural). Were there chicks around? Yes, of course there were. It's the first Friday I've gone out in a LONG time! In fact, I've almost forgotten what it's like...

Now you may be thinking "where is he going with this?". Well, let me tell you. I went out, and hardly talked to a soul. From around 8p to 2a... I hardly talked to anyone. I was just at the bar, downing one Bacardi & Coke after another. I believe I ended up having seven of them tonight (two of them being Bacardi on the rocks). Seven drinks, and still not a word to any females.

Enter the funny part.

I wasn't that interested in ANY of the women I saw tonight. Sure, some of them were hot. Sure, some of them had great bodies. Sure, I would probably find most of them absolutely awesome if I talked a while with them. But I didn't really care at all. Let them flirt with their hot guy friends. I don't give a shit anymore. It's not worth it.

So here I am, home alone once again... and drunk. Now, most of you know by now that I believe people's true feelings leak out when they've been drinking. I am not an exception.

I feel like the possibility is there. The reason I don't care. Could it be? The reason I don't care is because I may have already found my other half? The missing cornerstone of my existance? I can't help but wonder about this. Do I already know her? What if I don't treat her correctly?? Knowing how horrid I am dealing with women, it scares me to think how easily I might drive her away before realizing the truth here. How devastating it would be...

Tonight, all I thought about, was her... and how much I wish she would have been there with me.

If only the world was fair...

Wednesday, August 24, 2005


This evening, I went to a get-together with a few of my former co-workers. We all met up at Claim Jumper ( I had never been there, but I was very impressed with it. Not only was the food great, but the portions were nice too. But we're not here to talk about all that...

It was a lot of fun. Sheryl, Kay, Victor, Maggie, and Erica all showed up. Geoff and Amber also did, freshly tan from their enjoyable honeymoon in Mazatlan, Mexico. I ended up having a California Chicken Quesadilla (of course) which was awesome! I also downed four Jack [Daniel's] & Cokes. For some reason, I get the impression that Sheryl (my former clinic supervisor) is interested in going out with me sometime, for drinks or whatever. I find that interesting because I've always considered the idea as well, but obviously never acted on it because of my "no dating co-workers" preference. Needless to say, we're not co-workers anymore. She hugged me as she was leaving and hinted that we should get together again sometime...

So as we all left, Erica gave me this blue foam toy lightsaber that makes all the appropriate buzzings a real lightsaber would. The down side... It looks like I'm swinging around a huge blue dildo. Nevertheless, it's fun to play with. ................. (the lightsaber) . So right now, it's in the trunk of my car.

Later in the night, I played the guitar a bit. I've been working a bit on some different stuff. I can now play Mayer's "Tracing", a few Beatles songs like "Norwegian Wood", etc... the basic chords to "Hotel California", and even part of the acoustic solo to it. I'm getting much better now.

Afterwards, I went out to a bar in the area. Had two more Jack & Cokes. Nobody talked to me as usual, so I played some songs on the jukebox. My selections:
  • "The Wind Cries Mary" - (Jimi Hendrix)
  • "Welcome Home (Sanitarium)" - (Metallica)
  • "Humans Being" - (Van Halen)
  • "Street Spirit (Fade Out)" - (Radiohead)
  • ............ yeah, and I don't even remember the other one. I suck.

So here I am; slightly buzzed and realizing it has been too long since I poured myself onto the screen. Oh, and by the way, on Monday I accepted the new job over the phone. Yesterday, I had to drive down near Tacoma to take a drug test and fill out some paperwork. They're just making sure I'm not a crack-addicted terrorist convict or something. I'm hoping the pee turns out clean.

(Tip: When taking a drug test, don't pee right into the face of the lab assistant. They don't like that.)

Thursday, August 18, 2005

CD count

Oh, and I finally counted the number of CD's in my collection tonight. Give or take a couple, the total is 378.

Dancin' Your Pants Off!!

Inspired by my previous post about happy-dancin', here are some more ways to feel the flow.....

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

Pawn-Tunes Make Me Float 2

Well, I had my interview on Monday morning. I believe it went very well, and I'm pretty confident the job will be mine if I want it. I may be "jumping the gun" a bit, but I'm already quite relieved.

Today I went to renew my driver's liscense. (Tip: Go to the smallest town around that's big enough to still have a licensing department. There will hardly be a line.) I tried to do it yesterday, but after driving all the way down there, I found that they're closed on Mondays. So today I'm there and I go to pay... no cards accepted! Since I don't usually carry much cash around, I had to leave and find an ATM (which luckily was next door). They only accept cash and checks... who the fuck writes checks anymore anyway? Outside of maybe a rent payment or a money gift in a card, I consider checks to be obsolete in this credit/debit card world. Give it five or so more years, and you probably won't even see much cash anymore. Cards will be the standard currency. Quote me on that if you like...

So after the license thing, I decided to go out to the pawn shop since I haven't been there in quite awhile. I found a copy of Home Alone 2: Lost in New York on DVD that I wanted to pick up - always loved those movies - but since I found so many great CD's to choose from, I put it back this time. Actually, I held off on a number of the CD's I wanted to pick up as well, for money reasons. I'm hoping they'll still be there next time I go.

Anyway, the albums I did grab (in no order):
  • "Tidal" - Fiona Apple
  • "Let's Face It" - The Mighty Mighty Bosstones
  • "Stunt" - Barenaked Ladies
  • "Pyromania" - Def Leppard
  • "New Beginning" - SWV
  • "Finally Woken" - Jem
  • "Deep Forest" - Deep Forest
  • "Musical Chairs" - Hootie & The Blowfish
  • "Aaliyah" - Aaliyah
  • "Monster" - R.E.M.
  • "Invincible" - Michael Jackson
  • "18" - Moby
  • "Release Some Tension" - SWV
  • "Tanto Tempo" - Bebel Gilberto
  • "Slicker Than Your Average" - Craig David
  • "Seal" - Seal
  • "Fairweather Johnson" - Hootie & The Blowfish
  • "Bringing Down The Horse" - The Wallflowers

Thursday, August 11, 2005

Happily Pissed

The people at the old apartment complex are still trying to charge us for basically trashing our unit as we moved out. At least according to their trusty paperwork, that's what we did. In reality, Geoff, Amber, myself, my mom and our grandma all put effort and time into cleaning the entire place spotless. Jennifer even came over and steam-cleaned all the carpet. It took us the majority of a Saturday just to do that. But nothing. No acknowlegement of anything. They said everything was dirty and "not to their standards". I am completely pissed.

Geoff and I have both been calling up these people trying to find out why we're being raped over this, and nobody really wants to talk to us about it. They either refer us to someone else or listen to us, not really believing anything we say. It's an incredibly frustrating situation, especially since we have no say in anything. If we don't pay the amount they're asking, they'll just send us to collections and ruin our good rental history. Boy, I sure wish people would get over the money thing already. I'm not sure when it became the most important thing in the world... even more important than how we treat each other.

Anyway, I'd really like to cut the legs off of these fuckers. But if I did that, I might be contradicting myself, wouldn't I? So I decided that I won't. For now.

The good news:

I got a new package from Amazon today! What was in the grab box this time??

  • The Naked Gun Trilogy DVD box-set
  • A Hard Day's Night by The Beatles (a classic album!)
Plus, despite the old apartment stuff, I feel good tonight. Looking forward to finishing my job (last day is tomorrow). I already have an interview first thing Monday morning, and another lined up soon; I just need to get ahold of the lady to schedule it. So it's looking like finding something new shouldn't be tough at all. And I'll likely be able to save a lot of time traveling and a lot of gas money. Money I could much better use on illegal firecrackers to blow those fucks' legs off.


........okay finding a happy place. Doin' the happy dance. Doin' the happy dance....

Okay, I'm better now. :)