Tuesday, November 29, 2005

Today's Delivery

Okay, so like I said before, I've decided to not hold back with my words as much anymore. This means you might expect more fun words like shit, fucker, blow-goblin and ass-licker shooting out of my mouth and down through my fingers. Just warning you... I can have a dirty mouth too! Why should everyone else have all the fun?

With that said, here's what I got in the mail from Amazon today. ... Bitches.

  • TMNT DVD box set (all three films) - the DVD versions with the GOOD cases. Those square-flip-open-on-the-side DVD cases sorta piss me off. Not because I can't figure them out, just because the other ones look so much nicer and don't cover up the artwork.
  • Speak For Yourself - Imogen Heap's new solo album. If you don't know who Imogen is yet, see Frou Frou. If you haven't heard of Frou Frou, see Garden State. No really. See it right now.

Monday, November 28, 2005

Social In-Security

I find myself becoming more and more fed up and frustrated with the social side of life. That common lie among women... insisting that they "just want to find a nice guy". I'm not buying that anymore. It's those nice guys they either walk all over, or ignore completely. In a way, this final realization is liberating. No more will I worry about saying the wrong thing. No longer will I overanalyze my every motion, or study hers. That unreachable pedestal I placed women upon throughout the past is no longer in service. I continued to torture myself with the "what ifs" and "should have beens". Replaying in my head, over and over, the crucial events I sabotaged and fucked up with flaming inexperience. No more...

I now realize my approach was all wrong. Unfortunately, that old saying is completely true in this world ... "nice guys finish last". Well, I'm finally tired of finishing last. I'm tired of holding back. It's time to speak my mind and never apologize for it. It's time to step up and mold my currently-lacking lovelife into something more desirable.

Congratulations ladies, you have inspired one more "nice guy" to unleash his inner jerk.

Saturday, November 19, 2005

Quick Random Facts

  • I like Thanksgiving. I get to eat a whole lot without feeling guilty, and it makes me sleepy.
  • I just bought my ticket to go see Coldplay and Fiona Apple in January. They both hit Seattle a few months back seperately, but I was broke and couldn't go. But now they'll be appearing together, and I'm gonna be at that motherfucker!
  • I like pizza. I think I'm going to order one right now. I finally got some money and paid off a bunch of bills/debts. I'm also resisting urges to go buy a few things I've been wanting. So, I deserve to treat myself a little I think. I'll worry about exercising later. (One of those things I want to buy is a treadmill...)
  • Guster kicks ass! I've been listening to their album Lost And Gone Forever quite a bit lately. Every single song on there is great, check it out! :)

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

Sterile Way To Heaven

Okay, I have an interesting story to tell...

Today I had another appointment. I had to take another "sample" in, this time to the doctor himself. Ten minutes or so after handing the cup o' chowder to the nurse, I was called into one of the rooms. My doctor explained to me that my count is actually pretty low. It's not very likely I will be getting anyone pregnant. He reminds me (and of course I already know) that it's still a possiblilty because it only takes one. He said that if I still wanted to do the procedure, we could go ahead and do it today. It sounded great to me because I want that guarantee that I won't be knocking anyone up. And since I have the day off, it seemed like the perfect day to get it over with. So I did.

I can't say I've ever experienced anything quite as uniquely awkward as that. It involved me getting undressed from the waist down while showing off my junk to the doctor and his assistant. Now of course it's nothing unusual to them, as they go through that probably every day, but I still couldn't help feeling a bit embarrassed. Then the real fun began. Following a short warning, I felt a sting (shot of numbing agent) and a bit of squeezing. The squeezing was not exactly delightful, but only because I wasn't quite numb all the way yet. After a few more minutes of discomfort and flashes of mild pain, the procedure was done. But there was a bit of bleeding (which of course is to be expected with any incision). So after a few minutes more of holding gauze to the now stiched-up cut, I was ready to get dressed and get the post-vasectomy antibiotics on my way out. Little did I know, the experience was just beginning...

I got dressed, grabbed my things and made my way out to the hallway, where I asked one of the nurses if I was all done. She looked in my bag to see if they gave me the pills and extra gauze, etc. She mentioned something about another sample cup (for me to use for the follow-up test in three months). I told her I didn't have that yet, and that it might be what my nurse had left to get. All of a sudden I began to feel a little light-headed. I knelt down in the hallway and leaned against the wall slightly, opting to give myself a couple moments to shake of the mild dizziness. She asked if I was alright. I told her I get light-headed sometimes and should probably sit down for a couple minutes. She agreed and gave me a little stool with wheels, on which I sat down and leaned against the wall. She then asked if I wanted some "water or something". I told her that might be a good idea.

This was the last thing I remember...

What followed I can only describe as flashes of hyperspeed dreams. I remember the feeling of dreaming while flashing in and out of consciousness. I remember my doctor looking me in the eyes and saying my name loudly, almost on the verge of yelling. Although I could see and hear him, I was busy that moment not only trying to remember who and where I was, but attempting to separate reality from a dream. I did acknowlege him briefly, but continued to jump the line of consciousness.

The next thing I remember, I was lying on a low bed/table in one of the rooms. The doctor was over me again, saying my name and asking if I can see him. I told him I could. Then I started losing consciousness again, but before I could, he give me a light slap in the cheek to bring me around again. He continued to ask me if I could see him. I told him I still could. There were four people standing around me and watching my every move. Two of the nurses were taking my pulse, one with each arm. They were studying their watches and relaying the data to the others in the room. It was then I began to notice I felt very hot. In fact, I was literally sweating. I told them this and they took my sweater/jacket off. They continued to monitor my pulse. And about that time, one of them said it was at "43", at which time they looked at each other with this look that I interpreted to mean that I wasn't doing very well. And I remember wondering at that moment, "Am I dying here?". I had no idea what was going on, and I thought that to be quite interesting. I didn't know what happened, but I'm the one it happened to.

As I started becoming more and more awake, they began to tell me that I had passed out on the floor and began seizuring. Apparantly they had half-carried/half-dragged me into the closest room and onto a bed, all the while I continued to seize. I guess it lasted for about 15-20 seconds. It wasn't a major seizure like some people have, and I didn't seem to have any head trauma or anything, which is good. But still I almost didn't believe them right away because that has never happened to me before... as far as I know. But as I started to get the blood back into my brain, I began cooling off. My pulse began to rise and I became more aware. They kept talking to me about what happened, and the doctor told me he wants to send me to the ER to have me checked out. He was worried it may have been an allergic reaction to an antibiotic I had just taken immediately after the procedure. So they called the paramedics.

A few moments later, two paramedics showed up and found out what was going on. There was talk about calling an ambulance and a firetruck (as part of their textbook procedure). But the funny thing about this... The hospital was right across the street from the building we were in. So the guys called off the ambulance - which they said would have taken 15 minutes to get there anyway - and opted to just take me over in their own medic-truck. This decision probably saved me a grand in bills, so I made sure to express my appreciation. But as they hauled me there in a stretcher, I felt like such a tool. So helpless. By this time, I probably could have stood up and walked on my own, but they didn't want me to. Nevertheless, once again...... I ended up in the Emergency Room.

There's not a whole lot else to really report, other than they kept me in the ER for a couple hours while running a few tests on me to make sure I'm alright. The fainting/seizure was thought to have been a simple reaction from the numbing agent shot I received an hour earlier. And since I've had a history fainting after shots - of which I told them about - I think it's probably a pretty accurate assessment. Apparantly it is not as uncommon among patients as it seems.

I left the hospital and drove straight home. I called up my boss first, told her what happened and that I won't be in this afternoon, and that my doctor recommended I take tomorrow off as well. Then I went to my parents' house to collect some money my dad got for me today (paying me for the work I helped him with) so I could pick up my antibiotic prescription.

I'm back home now. I'm feeling much better, aside from some mild swelling due to the procedure itself. And... I have my ice pack. I stopped and rented a few movies for tonight and tomorrow, so I'll have plenty of time to rest. Oh, and for once I'm pretty happy about not getting laid this week. It's the last thing on my mind right now...

Monday, November 14, 2005

Thought Of The Day

I may not yet know exactly what I want. But I undoubtedly know what I don't want.

Saturday, November 12, 2005


On Tuesday, I had an appointment with a urologist. For years now, I've been interested in getting a vasectomy. I have no desire to be a father, to have a family, to be tied down, to contribute in bringing another person into this fucked world we know. I have no desire for any of it...

So I'm at this appointment, and the doctor is asking me about why I want this vasectomy so badly. He asks me, "What if you fall in love with some girl in the future and she wants to have kids?". I almost wanted to laugh at how unrealistic that sounded, but I didn't. I tried to play it off as if it were a scenario that was actually possible for me. After asking me some other things about my parents and siblings, etc, he told me he'd do the procedure from a business standpoint, but he doesn't recommend it for me. I understand his concern, but I'm not an idiot. I can make my own decisions.

During the consultation, the likeliness arises that I may not even be able to have kids in the first place, in which case, I obviously wouldn't even need the procedure done. This possibility gave me some very strong mixed feelings. On one hand, it's ideal. I'd know once and for all that I will never be knocking anyone up and will never be responsible for a kid I don't want. On the other hand, it would mean that all the time I had spent thinking about it in the past was completely unnecessary because it was never in my control to begin with. So it was suggested that I have a test done to check my fertility. We made a plan to get this test done over the weekend and to schedule a follow-up appointment next Wednesday to discuss the results.

Today rolls around. Time to get this test taken care of and over with. So what do I have to do? I have to come up with a sperm sample in a cup they gave me and deliver it to hospital lab in a different town within an hour. This is not exactly a fun thing to do.

So I do what I have to and drive to the hospital. I walked through the emergency entrance, just as I was instructed, and proceed to check in with staff. After a few minutes of answering demographic questions, I am finally given directions to the lab upstairs. All the while, I'm carrying around a bag full of embarrassment... and there are other patients around. I find my way to the lab, just in time for my sample to still be good (within one hour). In the waiting room, there is a couple and their baby, waiting to be helped. A lady comes out to the main desk and asks me what I need. I tell her I'm here to just drop off a sample, and I show her my paperwork. She looks at me with confusion and tells me, "Oh, we don't do that here anymore." She continues to tell me how they only do testing for POST-vasectomy samples, and that I need to go to some other hospital. Then she asks me when I "collected" the sample (keep in mind this other couple is right behind me the whole time). I tell her it's been within an hour and that I was told to bring it here. She apologizes but continues to insist that they "don't do that anymore". By this point, I was entirely pissed off. Here I am, embarrassing the hell out of myself carrying around a sample that is outdating itself minute-by-minute, and it turns out it was all for nothing because they can't help me where I was told to go.

So I went back downstairs and talked to the ER people that had checked me in earlier and let them know about the situation. They exchanged puzzled and surprised looks and offered to call a few places to find out where I should take the sample. I told them thanks, but that there's really no point anymore because it won't be any good anyway by the time I find out where I'm supposed to really go. I told them I'll just have to talk to the urologist's office again and let them know that they sent me to the wrong place. And of course this entire time, it's not like I was completely embarrassed or anything. *note the intense sarcasm* It seems I'll get to go through it all once more. And to top it all off, I made the entire trip for nothing and my gas tank was running on empty... with hardly any money to buy more with.

Now I have to find some time on Monday to get ahold of that office, tell them what's going on, reschedule the follow-up appointment, tell my boss that I'll need to change my appointment... and who the hell even knows where I'll have to take a new sample...

Aside from this whole episode, I went out for a couple drinks last night. As usual, nobody even talked to me. As usual, I felt completely irrelevant. Like a burden. A waste of a clean glass. An inconvenience using up perfectly good oxygen. It's not the Jack & Coke that makes me feel this way. It's everything else.

And tonight, of course, instead of going out again (I'm broke. And besides, what's really the point anyway?), I'm home alone spending my prime Saturday night hours writing in this stupid fucking blog that doesn't matter or contribute to the world in any positive way whatsoever. I'll be working most of Sunday, so I'm not really looking forward to that either. Then I still have all the shit next week to dread...

Sometimes I really wonder if I should just put a fucking bullet in my head. I might finally have piece of mind. (Pun not intended)

Monday, November 7, 2005

Filmosophy (Vol 2)

Fight Club:

"On a long enough timeline, the survival rate for everyone drops to zero."

"The things you own end up owning you."

Vanilla Sky:

"Every passing minute is another chance to turn it all around."

"The little things. There's nothing bigger, is there?"

"One day you'll know what love truly is. It's the sour and the sweet. And I KNOW sour, which allows me to appreciate the sweet. ... You will never know the exquisite pain of the guy who goes home alone... because without the bitter, baby, the sweet ain't as sweet."

American Beauty:

"Both my wife and daughter think I'm this gigantic loser. And they're right. I have lost something. I'm not exactly sure what it is, but I know I didn't always feel this... sedated. But you know what? It's never to late to get it back."

The Hitchhiker's Guide to The Galaxy:

"Time is an illusion. Lunchtime... doubley so."

"Only when you know a question, will you know what the answer means."

Sunday, November 6, 2005


I try to pretend my bed is warm
I pretend your whispers caress my ear
your smile infects me
and your eyes pierce into my soul
but the truth is apparant
you are only a figment of my imagination
an unrealistic desire
a boyhood fantasy lost in the circuits of time
i carried you through, and in turn you dragged me down
clinging only to the hope i had of you
i know now
i know you will never have me
you will never have me, just as i will never know you
shall i end this struggle?
or keep at it still?
when the possibilities once made me feel
this question was surely absurd
if there is a new beginning following the end
perhaps i will meet you there
but until then, i will keep searching
not just in my determination to find a purpose
but to finally convince myself that i know nothing

Friday, November 4, 2005

Magical History Tour

"We have come for many miles to rock you tonight... and we will."

What a great night! After looking forward to this show since getting the lower-level stagefront tickets about seven months ago, I was NOT disappointed.

The show, scheduled to start at 8pm, was delayed a good half-hour for some mysterious reason. At about 8:30pm or so, a DJ came out and played broken samples of McCartney's older stuff. It was very odd to see a DJ working the crowd before a Paul McCartney stuff, and although the lights were neat to look at, I'm not sure the slightly older majority of the crowd was really into it. Ten minutes later or so, my dad decided to go use the restroom. He had been waiting with our assumption that as soon as he left, Paul would come out. He came back and told me that in the restroom, another guy said to him, "This is bullshit! Where's Paul?". About 30 minutes later, he got his answer.

At about 8:50, the DJ left and a short lifespan documentary narrated by Sir Paul himself began on the giant screen over the stage. Spanning his Quarrymen & Beatles days... through his years with Wings, the solo material to follow, and his more recent fundraising/superbowl appearances... It was pretty interesting and relevant as a buildup to the beginning of the show. But the best part about it, of course, was knowing that any minute now we were all going to share a couple hours with The Man himself. Arguably the greatest musician/song writer in modern history. The Beatle. The legend. Sharing a room with me.

The set list:
  • Magical Mystery Tour
  • Flaming Pie
  • Jet
  • I'll Get You
  • Drive My Car
  • Till There Was You
  • Let Me Roll It
  • Got To Get You Into My Life
[A piano rises from under the stage. Paul tells us a story about how on the second night of the tour, he forgot there was a big hole from the piano area and fell down into it. He then sat down at the piano and played]
  • Fine Line
  • Maybe I'm Amazed
  • The Long And Winding Road
[The rest of his band leaves, and Paul takes out an acoustic guitar for a more intimate set]
  • In Spite Of All The Danger
  • I Will
  • Jenny Wren
[Back on the piano]
  • For No One
  • Fixing A Hole
  • English Tea
[Solo acoustic again]
  • I'll Follow The Sun
  • Follow Me
  • Blackbird (before which, Paul explains how the song was inspired by a Bach piece he and George used to play acoustically)
[The band returns]
  • Eleanor Rigby
  • Too Many People
  • She Came In Through The Bathroom Window
  • Good Day Sunshine (beforehand, Paul talk about how NASA used it to wake the crew of Discovery the day they could finally lead them back to Earth. (*I get the names mixed up sometimes, so if that's not the most recent one let me know*) He even shared the actual communications between NASA and the shuttle with us!)
  • Band On The Run
  • Penny Lane
  • I've Got A Feeling
  • Back In the U.S.S.R.
  • Hey Jude
  • Live And Let Die (including sweet pyrotechnics - a first for me!)
[Encore #1]
  • Yesterday
  • Get Back
  • Helter Skelter
[Encore #2]
  • Please Please Me
  • Let It Be
  • Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Heart Club Band (Reprise)
  • The End
37 songs!! An amazing concert... another one to move to the top of my list. My parents and I all enjoyed it immensely. It was the third time my mom had seen him live. The second for my dad, and the first for me. Unreal.

The only downside is in knowing that it may be the last chance we'll ever get to experience that again.