Monday, June 26, 2006
Not a day goes by that I don't anger myself for being socially retarded. I only wish I were eligible to play in the Special Olympics, because the confidence I do have in myself lies within my ability to help out their baseball team. (And speaking of the disabled, I have a question... Am I the only one who finds it odd that some people who are labeled as "handicapped" have no hands? I mean, where are all the footicapped people?)
Anyway, back to my current dilemma... It frustrates me to be so far behind my peers in a social sense; a good ten years in my best calculation. Socially, I think of myself as a sixteen-year-old. I have roughly the same experiences they would have. However, in many aspects I am far ahead of my peers. For instance, I can hold my own in a contest of knowledge against 60-year-olds. I have always made mature, logical decisions in everyday life. So in a weird way, you might say I have nothing in common with my peers, but something in common with everyone else. That's exactly how I feel... And it often confuses me.
On top of that, I have also had a sense that I was destined for something great. And I have had this feeling for as long as I can remember. Now could this merely be wishful thinking? Absolutely. Yet somehow, it still makes sense to me. There has always been something holding me back. Some kind of... Force. It keeps me from making bad choices. It steers me in the most benevolent of paths. It always has. And in the rare times I actually do make the incorrect decision, this Force sees that I pay for the mistake. Because of this, I quickly learned not to test it. It wants me for something. Something important.
And so here I am... Twenty-six years have come and gone. Yet still I wait. But for what?
This, I cannot comprehend...
Saturday, June 24, 2006
1. I approach a girl. Automatically I am just like every other guy in the room. Therefore, any unique quality I might appear to have had is written off. I become desperate in her eyes. Just one more guy thinking with the wrong head. This choice would get me nowhere.
2. I do not approach anyone. (This is my usual preference). This move never shows me as "desperate", while saving the possibility of uniqueness. However, this option also gives outside parties the assumption that I am pathetic and lonely, regardless of my reality. This choice... also gets me nowhere.
Either choice results in me looking pathetic. So honestly, what's the fucking point? I'm too tired to play the girl/boy game. It takes too much out of me and routinely provides nothing in return. If there was anything I was "destined" for, this must be it.
Wednesday, June 21, 2006
To analogize for awhile, I am a social ballplayer. Many of the guys my age are near retirement. They are capping off the final touches in their brilliant careers with the ladies. Many of them all-stars and record holders. Some of whom will go on to reside in the great Hall Of Fame. Me? I am a backup shortstop in the minor leagues. And I'm only getting older...
If ever there comes a chance someone better gets injured (the starting shortstop), perhaps I will finally get a chance to prove myself. But for now, I can only hide in the shadows. Cheering from the dugout, day after day, pretending that I'm content. I'm not. I should be out there showing what I know I can do. But the simple fact remains that I'm not. ...And I don't know why. All I do know, is that at this point, by the time I ever do make it out onto the field, I will be too old. I am living a ballplayer's nightmare. It just keeps going and going and going...
And isn't it funny that for years I wanted to be a ballplayer?
Monday, June 19, 2006
Now, I hate to always be the one with the dirty mind here, but doesn't that sound a bit discouraging? That's exactly what I always like to read as I'm dipping into a creamy white substance with little chunks of shit in it. "May contain nut products." ... Ummm, alright. By this, I sure hope they're not implying that the goofy guy with the crazed look on his face who made me the McFlurry may have put his own special nut-flavoring into it. No thank you, please leave your nuts out of my dessert. And if there ever comes a day when I want you to splash a little nut-butter onto my flapjacks, I'll be sure to let you know. Until that day, keep your exposed genitalia the fuck away from my food!
And don't tell me I'm just over-reacting. I've heard all those stories about the cook at Denny's who got just a little too bored on a Thursday night.
Look people, the bottom line here is that food and ejaculate just don't mix. It's kind of like drinking and driving, except they actually make warning signs for that shit. I think I'm going to start a new group devoted to the awareness of this issue. We're going to be known as P.A.C.I.F.I.C.
... And in case you're wondering, that stands for "People Against Climaxing In Food (It's Cruel.)"
Saturday, June 17, 2006
Thursday, June 15, 2006
I tend to think of him basically as me, but with a dream. He is everything I could have been had I applied myself to something at the early age that he did. And the fact that we're so much alike - outside of the obvious differences - only justifies that feeling. We're both 6'3", white, all-american boys with a genuine passion and love for music. We both grew up playing video games and memorizing the music in them. We love Star Wars. We're both intelligent, quite articulate and have very random and demented senses of humor. Neither of us are extremely hot looking guys, but we're not exactly hideous either. We both claim to have many issues when it comes to women, and don't do as well with them as others probably assume. And though we're two years apart in age, the lyrics in his new songs never fail to magically mirror the events of my own life as I first hear them. In another dimension - another life - we could be the best of friends, perhaps brothers. As corny as that sounds, it's exactly how I feel. And to answer the current question in your head... no. I'm still straight.
But now that I've gotten that off my chest, I might as well also tell you that I continue to play my guitar because of him. Sure I got it before I knew of his music, but it wasn't until I first heard some of his live acoustic stuff that I made a point to pick it up and try to learn. I've never known inspiration on that level before. And I have to say it feels great.
... And I'm getting better every day. It may not be a realistic career choice for me yet, but someday perhaps. You never know...
Life can be funny like that.
Monday, June 12, 2006
- "You're My Flame" - Zero 7
- "Sugar Honey Iced Tea" - Kelis
- "Misread" - Kings Of Convenience
- "Nothing From Nothing" - Billy Preston
- "Friend Is A Four Letter Word" - Cake
- "Live Long" - Kings Of Convenience
- "Trick Me" - Kelis
- "Some Voices" - Pinback
- "The Pageant Of The Bizarre" - Zero 7
- "More Than One Way Home" - Keb' Mo'
- "Balmes (Better Life)" - Ian Pooley & Esthero
- "Sleep To Dream Her" - Dave Matthews Band
- "Millionaire" - Kelis & Andre 3000
- "Love Is No Big Truth" - Kings Of Convenience
- "Pennies From Heaven" - Louis Prima
- "Beauty On The TV-Screen" - Lou Bega
- "Spaceship" - Angie Aparo
- "Fin" - Pavement
There's a lot of great stuff I've been discovering for myself lately... If you're into R&B, definitely be sure to check out Kelis's album Tasty. It's full of great tracks. And if you love mellow jazz stuff, check out Riot On An Empty Street, by Kings Of Convenience... as well as Zero 7's new one The Garden.
Oh, and do yourself a favor and check out Pinback's "Some Voices" while you're at it... That's a sweet-ass song!
Monday, June 5, 2006
After talking up the series of 'Lost' for a year or so now, my parents finally just decided to buy me the first season on DVD. I'm sure they somehow knew it would be the only way I would ever end up watching it. So I've been really into that series. So far, it's very intense, well written and complex. It's also very psychological, which I'm a big fan of. Lots of shit to figure out... I'm down to the final two episodes of the first season. I'm actually a bit hesitant to watch them only because I know I'll have to go out and buy Season 2 as soon as I do. (If it's out of course. I haven't done any research on that yet.)
Today I got my most recent Amazon package. This time, I got "Wings", my favorite sitcom, Seasons 1 & 2... as well as TMNT Vol 4 of the original series. (Just finished up the last of Vol 3 a couple hours ago). I also really need to pick up the seventh (and final) season of Star Trek: TNG.... I'll do that very soon. Plus, I've been really slacking on South Park over the years. Next up for that, Season 3.
The one other thing that came in the package today is Zero 7's new album, The Garden. I haven't had a chance to listen to it yet, but I'm sure it'll be just as amazing as the other two I have. Oh, and Dian just turned me on to a band with some great stuff. They are called 'Kings Of Convenience'. More on that later...
Thursday, June 1, 2006
One thing I've learned through experience is that women generally don't like to make decisions. They prefer that the guy make most of the decisions for them. Where to go out, what to order, where to sit, what movie to see, what to do afterwards, etc... Guys, you better have everything planned out in precise detail. If you don't, it's one more way she's going to lose interest in you quickly. Trust me, I know.
After thinking about this problem, I have come to realize exactly why I have struggled with this in the past.
Some people are right-brained. These people tend to be more creative, imaginative and emotional. Others are left-brained, in which case they are more analytical and logical. The rare people who are balanced-brained (as I am) use both sides of their brains equally, which allows them to see things in both logical and imaginative ways. This conflict is exactly what has always made it hard for me to come to decisions in the past. Here is some text from a test I once took that explains this fact:
"The down side to being balanced-brained is that you may sometimes feel paralyzed by indecision when the two hemispheres of your brain are competing to solve a problem in their own unique ways."
I have now recognized another problem to work on. I will make a point to consciously come to decisions more quickly from now on.
I never would have thought that thinking too much could actually become a problem...