Saturday, December 2, 2000
They say that you're most honest when you're drunk. Well I can't speak for everyone, but I'm sure I am. I'm drunk right now. And right now, I want to ask Cody out. I'm not sure if that means I really should ask her out or what, but I don't think it would be so bad. She's so sweet, and I love looking in her gorgeous eyes when I talk with her. There's just something about her... I don't even know what it is. It just makes me want to keep staring into her eyes to see what she'll say next. And the whole Moscow thing... what the hell? She has been to her grandparents' house just down the block from where I grew up many times? That's almost too coincidental don't you think? I'm just so tired of being alone. I think Cody and I would really get along well. We seem to have a lot in common. If anything, maybe I could make her happy for a couple dates.... if you even want to call them dates. I want to just go up to her and say "Hey Cody, so when are when are we going out? It doesn't even have to be a date. I just want to get to know you better. That's all I know. I want to buy you dinner and find out if we really have as much in common as I think we do. If you don't think we do, fine... but it's worth a try. If I can just find someone to spend my time with, it would all be worth it. If you don't think it should be you, that's totally cool. I totally understand. But otherwise, I want to at least want to give a try." Who knows what can happen? Nobody does unitl I try. It's still hard for me to get Liz out of my head. I know it's been way too long. And I don't know what to do about it. I've tried forgetting, I really have. I just can't. It's like I'll always be in love with her or something. And I don't know how to deal with it. I really don't. I wish I could get over her, I really do. Every day I wonder why she turned me down. Was it because of my whole outlook on school? Was it because of religion? I honestly would prefer to think it was because she just didn't find me attractive. If religion was the only keeping her and I apart, I could never forgive religion for that. If there is a god, I say FUCK HIM.... or HER. I don't give a shit what it is, but fuck it! She was so important to me. She was my life... what I had of one anyway. I figure if there was a god, he/she would want to get as many people to believe as he/she could, so Liz would have been mine. Because if she had been, I honestly would have believed. And if there is really a god, he/she would have known that.
Posted by Ryan at 9:43 PM
Saturday, November 11, 2000
I'm drunk as shit right now. I don't know what I'm doing here. Sometimes I think I'm just trying something different. And sometimes I think I'll never know what I want. And sometimes I don't know what the hell I'm talking about. I think this is one of those times. I really feel like shit. I don't mean now, I mean all the time. I need my own 19 year old Charlize. The kind that nobody has discovered. I have no chance with a rising hollywood actress. There's no way way in hell for me to be with her. All I want to do is go on a date or two with her and see how perfect she really is for me. But it will never happen. It never will. And I accept that. I just think it sucks because I've only really wanted two women. Charlize is one of them. Will I ever be able to tell her that? Of course not. And the other...Liz...couldn't give less than a shit about me. So what am I supposed to do about that? Somebody please tell me. I could just start hitting on every girl who I find half-way attractive and lead them on like I know I could. But for some reason, I can't do that. I just want one girl. The one I'm in love with. But it seems I only fall in love with the women that don't even give a shit about me. What the hell can I do about it? I can't figure it out. I know it's depressing, but I have it in my head that I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life. And it's like I can't do anything about it. I don't know what to do. Sometimes I think I should just give up on hoping for that right girl to come along. And other times, I just want to wait for her. I don't know what to do. And it feels like my life is just passing me by, and I can't do anything about it. I know that can't be a good thing. I don't know what to do. I spend all my weekends alone. I keep thinking about Alyssa. I really should have called her or something. I still don't know why I didn't. Maybe because she was Alex's sister, I don't know. But Alex is a really cool guy! Really cool. All I could have done was ask him if he was cool with me going out with his sister. I know he would've been cool with it. Alex is such a cool guy. I miss him and Warren and Tosh. I hope I get to hang out with them again. And Melanie. I can't stop thinking about her either. She liked me... I really had a chance with her. Sometimes I can picture us making out at one of those parties. But of course it never happened. Story of my life. Everyone I know is married. At least that's what it seems like. I am listening to the Rembrandts right now. God I love them. They have the most beautiful music. I can't get over it. Why couldn't Liz love me? I would have done anything for her. I really would have. Even if that meant becoming a Christian. No problem. Done. I would have been in a second. If only she would have loved me. Obviously I don't hold anything against her. I just wish I could have known what is was like. To have that perfect wife. That perfect life. That perfect existance. But instead I'm stuck here with no wife, no life, and a shitty existance. Here I am...21 now, and still no girlfriend. What the fuck is my problem? I still can't figure it out. I know part of it is wanting to find that that perfect girl. Part of it is that when I do, she isn't interested. But I know I just overreact everytime. I turn down every girl who shows interest, and I don't know why. It's like an instinct. I could have gotten laid so many times. And in a way, I'm glad I haven't. Because I really do want it to mean something. But even I'll admit that sometimes I want a relationship where my girlfriend and I can just make some passionate love and not have to think anything of it. As long as we both love each other. And we know how special we are to each other. I'm still drunk.
Posted by Ryan at 9:38 PM
Friday, October 6, 2000
I can't take too much more of this. I just want to go. The only thing that's keeping me here is the lease. The only thing. I don't care about anything anymore. Nothing matters. I know I'm wasting my life. I always have. Now the M's are almost on their way to the Series, and I'm not even a part of that. Can't even watch it. I need help. I don't know what to do though. I would love to find a way to end it all, and still have my parents think I'm alright. Some way that they could stay happy. Because at this point, that's something I'll never be able to feel. I've already fucked up too many things for that to happen, and will probably fuck some more up later this week. I'm 21 now....yippie-kai-yay. Birthdays don't mean a thing to me... just another piece of shit day. I don't have anything I'm good at. I can remember who acted in this or that movie, or who sang that song. Wow. But I'm not good at anything important to anyone. And I'm so sick of Wayne's shit. He pisses me off so much. Sometimes I get the urge to just yell "Shut the hell up! Don't ever talk to me that way again." or anything like that. Because I definitely don't need to be getting shit from him on top of everything else. I bought six DVDs today. I did it because when I buy something, it makes me happy for at least a little while. I don't have many more of those left anymore. But I guess it didn't work very well today did it? I'm sick of everything. Aside from family, there's nothing left for me. I hate working. Don't know what to do anyway. Never did. I'm only attracted to one girl... an actress. Like I'm ever even going to meet her. And even if I did, she would be quite a bit different than I imagine. My best friend died last September. All my other friends moved away. ...
Posted by Ryan at 9:35 PM
Sunday, August 27, 2000
Sunday, August 27th, 2000 @ Safeco Field
Chicago White Sox - 2
Seattle Mariners - 1
Attendance - 45,525 / Duration - 2:44
- Freddy Garcia gave up only two runs over eight innings.
- Ray Durham & Paul Konerko both homered for the White Sox.
Thursday, August 3, 2000
Nothing has changed. Everything is the same. Still hate life. How can I care anymore? How can I expect myself to care? The highlight of my day is checking the mail. That and going to bed. I dred waking up. Sometimes I wish I never would. I don't have a girlfriend. And you know what? I don't care. Fuck it. Like I give a shit. I don't need that kinda shit in my life. I've always been alone, and it's fine with me. I'm fine with it. I'm sick of everyone talking about their "boyfriends/girlfriends/husbands/wives/partners....blah blah blah...etc". Who gives a shit? Do I care? Good for you, but just because that's what you want, don't think it has to affect me. Live your life however you want to. Just leave me out of it. The last thing I need right now is people coming up to me asking me what I'd do in their place. I don't even know what the fuck I'm going to do. How the hell am I supposed to make other people's decisions as well? I don't need that. I really don't need that. I'm tired of all this shit. Nothing matters anymore. The whole thing with Liz is over. I don't even think about much anymore. Fine with me. I give less than a shit about all that. School? Fuck it. I couldn't care less. I must really be different than most guys. It seems like they're all "oh look at her tits" and staring at any girl. Not me. I don't give a shit. Oooooh wow, a girl.....you don't see that very often. Especially since there are only about 3.2 billion of them. Well I'm getting tired. Just took three buspar pills. Getting kinda light-headed. It's really sad when the most exciting thought of my day is that I might actually dream that night... though I usually don't.
Posted by Ryan at 9:29 PM
Tuesday, May 30, 2000
I'm going insane. I can't handle this anymore. All I can think about is how nice it would be if it all went away. And what can I do about it? There's only one way that I really can get away from it all. But I can't let myself do that. My mom said she'd "never forgive me" if I ever did something like that. I've tried to make things better, but I can't. At least, not by myself. I talked to another counselor, who helped a bit for the anxiety, but once again I couldn't tell her that depression was the main problem. I tried to tell my parents, but all they say is stuff like "oh, it's normal" and "everyone feels that way". Oh really? So everyone wants to die? News to me. What a great world that is. I don't want to have to deal with life anymore. It's too fucked up. I love my family. They're all I have. My friends all moved away, except for a couple. And of them, either I never see them, or they get on my nerves, and get off on making me look stupid. I don't need that. I would end the friendship, but I know I'm the only friend he'll probably ever have because he can be such an asshole. So I stick with it and try to tell myself I can deal with it. But one of these days, he's gonna cross the line and I'll be gone. Oh my things too...my family, and my things. That's my "life". I couldn't make it without.
Posted by Ryan at 9:24 PM
Wednesday, May 24, 2000
You know what? This is a bunch of shit. Why the hell do I have to be this way? Why do I have to hate life all the time? Why am I always alone? Why can't I ever find what I'm looking for? And even if I did, why would I still not be happy? Maybe I would. Why am I wasting my life? Why don't I know what I want? And how do I find out? Why am I broken? Why am I so fucked up? I'm never happy with anything. I'm afraid of everything. I can't have a relationship. Wouldn't know what to do with it even if I did. I can't believe any compliments I receive, even though I appreciate it. I'm "cute", I have a sexy voice, I'm funny and sweet......it's all bullshit to me, but at least the good kind. I just will not allow myself to think I'm good at anything. Or worth anything. Life is worthless. It really is. You're born, you live, you die. Simple as that. Some people take advantage of this fucked up existence, good for them. I'm glad. But some don't. I'm of course one of them. I don't know how to deal with life. I hate all the responsibilities, all the hassles, all the bullshit, all the assholes, all the pain....I could do without all of it. What's worth sticking around for? Love? Fuck love. That may be what I'm tired of most. All these people with their 'sweethearts' and their 'honeys' and their 'partners' and their 'significant others'. The guy who sings that song on the radio about how he loves his precious girlfriend. And the girl who's song follows about how she's in love with this guy. And the radio stations that play nothing but songs about love. I wonder how many songs there are out there that have 'love' in the title.......hmmmmmm.....I'm guessing more than five. I think I'll watch a movie instead. Oh wait, that's the same thing. You gotta have that happy ending where the characters fall in love and finally kiss in the end. Ahh that's so sweet. That's pretty convienient. Why can't someone write me a happy ending? I know, I'm supposed to do that myself. Well shit, I never was much of a writer, so I guess I'm screwed. It doesn't matter anyway though, because I don't care anymore. I'm gonna die alone, and I don't give a shit. In fact great! That just leaves more love for everyone else, right? And now I'm starting to cry. Fuck that too. I don't even cry much, only on those special occasions. Like when Hootie died. We went to the vet and had her put to sleep. I knew I had to be there, and I wanted to. She was my best friend her whole life, all 12 1/2 years. And she died in my arms. I lost it. I couldn't handle that. All those times she would curl up and sleep next to me. All the times she would close her eyes and purr when I pet her. All the times she drooled when she was so happy, and how soft her fur was........all those things died with her that day, and a part of me as well. She was so still....wasn't even breathing anymore. And I didn't want to ever let her go. But I had too. We placed her in the box. We put her favorite pillow in there for her to rest on. The drive back home was hard, even though it was short. She was sleeping so peacefully. I kept expecting her to wake up and start purring when I pet her, but she never did. She'd just lie still. When we went to bury her, my eyes started watering again. But it really hit me hard when I picked up the shovel. Somehow I got through it..
Posted by Ryan at 8:56 PM