Tuesday, May 30, 2000
I'm going insane. I can't handle this anymore. All I can think about is how nice it would be if it all went away. And what can I do about it? There's only one way that I really can get away from it all. But I can't let myself do that. My mom said she'd "never forgive me" if I ever did something like that. I've tried to make things better, but I can't. At least, not by myself. I talked to another counselor, who helped a bit for the anxiety, but once again I couldn't tell her that depression was the main problem. I tried to tell my parents, but all they say is stuff like "oh, it's normal" and "everyone feels that way". Oh really? So everyone wants to die? News to me. What a great world that is. I don't want to have to deal with life anymore. It's too fucked up. I love my family. They're all I have. My friends all moved away, except for a couple. And of them, either I never see them, or they get on my nerves, and get off on making me look stupid. I don't need that. I would end the friendship, but I know I'm the only friend he'll probably ever have because he can be such an asshole. So I stick with it and try to tell myself I can deal with it. But one of these days, he's gonna cross the line and I'll be gone. Oh my things too...my family, and my things. That's my "life". I couldn't make it without.
Posted by Ryan at 9:24 PM