Monday, January 31, 2005

The Sea

If I were to know a place... a place not known by hate and frustration. The place which resonates with the special, and not with the usual. I feel so abnormal. Please rescue me from normality. The place in which I reside is not within boundaries of sanity. It is within dreams of hate and dissonance. I wish this world to be united. I wish it to be something of a dream. Something real. Something made into my own...

I only hope the night can improve upon itself. The day has brought chaos. The idea of a job lingers over me. Is it almost gone? My brightest sense is not so sure. The dimmest part of me works on. Not bothered by the busy part of me. I only wish the world to be improving upon itself. But as long as work remains, there can never be absolute peace. Why can they not relax? Why can the birds not sit in trees? Why can the fish not swim into tides as they see fit? For better or worse, I am am the sand in the wake. I take you to sea when you feel weak in the knees. You will surrender to my strength. For I am the current of your dreams...

Thursday, January 27, 2005

I came, I saw, I cleaned my shorts

Just call me "Mr. Get The Shit Done". I took care of so much shit today. Shit that was knawing at my conscience and begged to be addressed. I got that shit covered like a jimmy-hat.

(I said "shit" in each sentence. hehe)

On my lunchbreak, I saw the dentist and had them give me a filling. ... A really big filling apparantly. Now my mouth feels better, and I'm not bleeding out of my tooth anymore (a mild exaggeration). I can totally go to Hawaii and have that garlic-butter shrimp with no problems. At least, as long as the pounds of shrimp don't conflict with my alcohol stream... Anyone wanna make out??

I had a talk with the boss. Things are a bit better on the workfront.

At home, I cleaned shit up (okay, not actual shit... I'm not THAT messy!) and ordered some clothes online, just as I've been meaning to do. I also worked out a bit and limited my dinner size. Worked more on my CPU-music project. (aka "Project Sort Out My Mess Of Shit MP3 files Into More Efficient Library") Soon, it's off to bed early tonight. As those who know me would agree... I need all the beauty sleep I can get.

P.S. I get a haircut on Saturday. I need one of those. Then I'll look like a model, except for the looks and with shorter hair.


"Baby, I would do something that REALLY sucks......... for your love."

---Butt-head (in his seductive groove "Come To Butt-head")

Wednesday, January 26, 2005

A place yet unknown...

There is a girl I know. She knows not what she is. My dolphin. My Disney princess. If I am a block of granite, she is the water that holds me in place. There are so many ways to puss out. I'm not strong enough. I can't handle this... Yet she keeps me strong. Because of her, I can handle the toughest of deeds. She may be distant, but she is my only link to hapiness. She takes the moon and gives it sunlight. The light that brightens my day is her aura. No certain being takes on my mind. ... But she comes the closest of all. How I wish I could please her...


A fore-mention: I am not dancing with the normal at this moment. Forgive me if I stray...

It's a great thing when you finally reach that long-deserved feeling of utopia in a bottle. My week has brought me frustration, hesitation & quite frankly... worried. I may soon be out of a job. I may soon be out of a relationship. A relationship that is me. If it dies, maybe I will too. What would I know to compare it to? For tonight I will live destiny in itself. My next thoughts will not be edited. They will be saved, if nothing else, as from someone who is outside of one's self at the moment, and only wants to share the view. This is a test..... this is ONLY a test (ready? go!)...

I watched K-Pax again last night. Sometimes I forget how much I really love that show. Not only is the story and acting convicing, but the whole "outside party observation of the human race" theme was just irresistable.

It's really quite sad how we've progressed. We can soar with the eagles. We can swim with the dolphins. Why, oh why, can we not live in peace?? Wars, killing, poverty, rape, murder, crime, theft, and just plain bad people... ... Why can't we love each other? We both love R&B, we both love Dramas, we both love football... why can't we share that moment of collective connection? I am black. I am white. I am male. I am female. I am gay. I am straight. ... "Curous distinction."

My life feels to be in shambles right now. It's very... Smashing Pumpkins right now. You know... in a "Melancholy And The Infinite Sadness" sorta way...

My job is good. I like my job. I mean, I would love to do something else, and be actually producive to society and to make a shit of difference... but I have to say my job is good, and I'd like to keep it.

*In Yoda voice* "Dionne Warwick, am I not!, See the future, I cannot."

The coin flips through the air. The sun reflecting from an eagle...

I am in a constant state of abyss. The depths of my insecurities wear their faces proudly. As much as I want to change. As much as I want to live... I cannot allow myself that satisfaction. It's really quite sad...

Then again, if I really cared that much, I would try to help you wouldn't I? If I were close to the end... and we had no chance... what would you do? Would you help someone? Would you want to make them happier... even if it meant "giving" your life up? It's hard for me to take it all in. On one hand, I want to live. I want to know all those amazing feelings. Mostly, I want that rare feeling of bliss. The one that warms you up when it's the infamous "one-way infatuation". You love someone so much, you challenge the thought that they return the love. In turn, you become so insecure and insane... your ongoing life is only the alternate dimension of a fanasy that never was.

I'm doing well... though things are difficult as hell right now... I will make it through...

Sunday, January 23, 2005

Cruise Control

*In over-dramatic NBC self-promotional preview style*

"One weekend, two nights! A man on a quest for peace of mind... Tonight, on a very special Blossom."

Now it occurs to me... I really have no clue what the fuck that NBC thing was all about, but I can tell you it did seem relevant at the time. This weekend was fun. Not really fun as in "I shit my pants with glee", but more like fun as in "Yeah, my weekend was............. kinda fun."

The work week sucked more ass than a Black & Decker combination vacuum/self-proctological kit. But on Friday, I received my copy of Frou Frou's "Details" (see previous posts for more info). And the night only got better as it progressed. We (Geoff, Amber, Jennifer & I) played Scene-It, a new DVD board game for movie lovers. It's a great game and fun as hell! I recommend it to any of you movie fans out there. Check it out. If I hadn't been so plaster-baked that night, I might even remember winning both games that we played. Winning is fun... especially if you can remember it.

Saturday brought some well appreciated relaxation and some house cleaning, followed by a nice dinner at Red Robin (, which I hadn't been to in over a year. They have great food, but it's a bit on the expensive side. Money wasn't an issue though, because I was taking Jen out (her birthday was on Wednesday). I got this awesome "California Chicken Burger" and it was SO good! It had guacomole all over it. I like guacomole. I found myself thinking, "Damn, this guacomole is really good. If I were girl guacomole, I would totally fuck this guacomole! But of course I'm not girl guacomole... so if I tried to fuck my guacomole burger... people would just think I'm gay. And it's not really like I care if people would ever think I'm gay... I mostly didn't fuck my burger just because I didn't want to get thrown out of the restaurant. Well.... that, and I was more attracted to my steak fries anyway.

So after dinner, we took a drive up to the casino, which is always fun. A nice little place... but I always think of it as Vegas's filthy little bastard cousin. It always makes me miss Vegas even more... (By the way, I walked out of the place up one nickel!!) Holy shit, I win! I Win!!

Sunday, Sunday. Let me tell you a bit about Sunday. It started with a nice surprise. I'm not going to get into the specifics right now, you'll just have to trust me. Later in the afternoon, I went with my dad to the studio again to rock out a bit. It's interesting how much fun I have singing and drumming along to all those songs I grew up with, whether they're classic rock, pop-rock, or even hard rock. For instance, this time we improvised and played certain songs by Tom Petty, The Beatles, Toad The Wet Sprocket, The Wallflowers, John Mayer, Badfinger, The Cars... and even Green Day, etc. It's so much fun, and it only takes me about half a bottle of 'Jack' to feel comfortable singing in front of people. I plan to gradually work that amount down to nothing, but give me a break for now people... I've always had a shy side.

So here's where I am now. Sunday night. Time to chill out, listen to some tunes, and prepare myself for a brand-new shitty work week. Hopefully I'll have some interesting stories to tell this week, but if it turns out at all how I'm expecting, I'll probably be too wasted to even find my keyboard....


Johnny Carson died this morning. I always thought he was a pretty funny and classy guy... Why does it seem so much more depressing when comedians die?

Wednesday, January 19, 2005

Note To Self:

Since I just knocked Frou Frou's Details off my "to get" list, I'm here to remind myself to also pick up the following albums ASAP:

  • Zero 7 - Simple Things
  • Planet Funk - Non Zero Sumness
  • Nine Inch Nails - The Downward Spiral (Deluxe Edition)
  • The Beatles - Abbey Road
  • Underworld - 1992-2002

.... and shit, while I'm at the store I might as well pick up:

  • Leon: The Professional (Deluxe Edition)
  • The Fifth Element (Ultimate Edition)

At night, I dream of the wonderous life that awaits me when I am finally able to collect the whole set of these gems. I'm all set to follow the weird naked indian through the sands of ecstasy. All I can do for now is imagine (and save my money of course).

Friday, January 14, 2005


.... okay you guys, just wanted to let you know I bought "Details", an album by Frou Frou, on ebay just now.... Okay, bye!

"Drugs are bad, mmkay?"

I'm feeling good today. :) That shitty week I experienced has brought me joy in it's completion. I'm so glad it's finally over. That week sucks. Fuck that week. Fuck it, and then slap it with a loaf of bread just for being a poor stupid week.

I plan to make up for it this weekend. No more crying like a little whiny bitch, "I don't wanna wake up, Ma!", or "No Coach, don't touch me there!", or even "I don't wanna work! *fists in the air* ... I don't have to worry anymore. I have ... THE WEEKEND! Woo-hoooooo! The weekend is good. It is wonderous. It is pure, it is fresh. My dog likes it and I like my dog... but we all know he eats his own feces *enter sarcastic Mike Myers' laugh, with hand on belly* so what does he know? I plan to go to a movie.... "White Noise"... hopefully watch "Garden State" again ... maybe make it up to the casino to play some roulette. I got the urge to do that today. Soon. :)

Anyway, I'll check in later to update you about the happenings. ...... (We all know I'm really only talking to myself anyway, so it really makes no difference. It's not like anyone cares THAT much about it. I can just picture you people now, "Oh, *excitedly, with hands to neck* please tell us again, the part about premature ejaculation!!".)

Thursday, January 13, 2005

Random Facts

Here are a few random facts I've learned recently:

  • Oral sex is illegal in Utah.
  • Macaulay Culkin's drink of choice is whiskey... straight.
  • The item most often purchased at Wal*Mart? ... bananas
  • Social Security funds will be exhausted in 2042.
  • There is an actual urban legend that Jamie Lee Curtis is a hermaphrodite.
  • China's population recently reached 1.3 billion.
  • Jonathan Knight, of 'New Kids On The Block' fame is now in real estate.
  • Leonardo Da Vinci invented scissors.
  • Coca-Cola was originally green.
  • The quickest being on the planet is the Tiger Beetle. If its size was equal to that of a human, it would run at over 300 miles per hour... so fast that it goes blind when it's in motion.

Sunday, January 9, 2005

The Waiting Line

Well it's now 2005! It has taken me awhile to compose my first '05 blog, but here I finally am! :) I can't believe this decade is already half over. Where is all this time going? It reminds me of a great quote from a Chinese philosopher:

"Time is the fire in which we burn."

I love the quote, but unfortunately I don't recall what his name was...I suck. (If anyone knows, please remind me.)


Christmas was nice. I love the moment of realization that sometimes I really do miss my family. I had a great time, and enjoyed giving my gifts more than usual this year. My gift-giving style is to try and surprise people with stuff I hope they would love, while trying to avoid the completely obvious items on their wish list... while disregarding price. Of course, now I'm broke. Oh well. I still love Christmas.

New Year's, on the other hand, sucked large quantities of ass. Aside from work being more hectic and frustrating than ever, the whole week was hell. I only looked forward to the weekend so I could go out and have some fun on New Year's Eve. So it finally rolls around, and I'm excited, right? I didn't have to work on Friday (due to the holiday), so I spent some time cleaning up around the house and stuff like that. I hadn't had anything to drink all week, because I was so exhausted from work I'd just come home and rest. So sometime late Friday afternoon, I woke up to find myself lying on the bathroom floor. I had passed out for an unknown reason, and I still have no clue how long I was out. After I realized what had happened, I was feeling tired the rest of the day and decided to take it easy with the drinks. That means I didn't get to go out, and I didn't even get to do a thing for New Year's. :( One of my resolutions for this year? ... to have a better New Year's Eve.

Yet at this point, things have already improved. I've been "working out" a bit. This consists so far of pushups, weight exercises and lots of stretching... but I'm going to start using the machines down by the apartment office soon. After a small hiatus from my guitar, I've picked it up to play again. I've cut down my meal portions, and am eating healthier. I've even gone to the dentist for the first time in about ten years! Luckily, my teeth look good, aside from some very minor problems. I'm going back later this month for a cleaning, etc. ... Oh, and I've also given myself some time to relax and take some baths or watch some movies here and there. "Dodgeball" was frickin' hilarious! I'll have to pick that up. Another movie I watched was "Garden State". This is a fucking GREAT movie, and the music is even better! It's been a very long time since I've heard a better soundtrack, and I recommend this movie to anyone who enjoys unique films... or even just feels like they've lost something. It's great stuff!

The months ahead promise me a raise or two and a likely promotion to supervisor of my department. They promise me better health, both physically and mentally. They promise a bigger bank account, a cleaner home, and less stress. They also promise me some exciting movie premieres and new albums. They will bring me life and joy. But most importantly, I'm promising myself to take all those things and make them mine.