Monday, June 6, 2016
Thursday, June 2, 2016
My primary desire in this life is to make people happy, which would, in turn, make me happy. Ironically, no matter how hard I try to do this, I always seem to hurt people instead. Maybe it's true what they say - that there's a reason for everything; that things have a way of working out for the best. Perhaps that's the reason I'm meant to be alone in this world. Maybe that's the true way I can help people - by keeping them away from me in the first place; from the damage I will unintentionally, but inevitably, do to their hearts.
I'm not sure exactly at which point in time I became broken. I don't think I was always this way; at least, not as a young boy. But at some point I reached a moment in my life when I was torn into two different people. These two people are polar opposites, with different desires, different attitudes, and different approaches to life. They see the world around them differently and feel different emotions. I have been living with them both inside me for quite some time now. They're grappled in an eternal struggle, lashing at each other... It's tearing me apart from the inside. Because of this, I find it impossible for me to ever be fully happy. The best I can hope for is to make one of them happy. But that, of course, only means that the other will not be. No matter what I do, there will inevitably be a part of me that is unhappy; a part of me that is hollow; a part of me that is missing.
I don't know what else I can do at this point.
I will overload and melt down soon.
Wednesday, June 1, 2016
I should be fulfilled. I should be content. I should be happy. I should be savoring the beautiful life I have.
I have a fairly decent bill of health. I have a beautiful, caring wife. I have an adopted kitty who's my furry, adorable best friend. I have two supportive parents who love me and would do anything for me. I have a good job and enough money in my bank accounts. I have lots of hobbies; lots of interests; lots of passions. On the surface, I seem to have everything a person should need to be happy.
One of my favorite artists, Janet Jackson, once said, "There's nothing more depressing than having everything and still feeling sad." Somehow I know exactly what she meant.
I often feel that happiness was something never meant for me. As if it's a hand dealt to many, but I was never even invited to poker night. I don't want to complain. I don't want to seem ungrateful for what I have, because I never was. But something inside me is just not right. There's a void where beautiful things should be.
I am working to try and fill that void. But it is a long journey.
This journey is very hard.