Tuesday, December 10, 2013


Being in therapy is not a sign of weakness. Just because someone seeks mental help doesn't automatically mean they have more problems than you do. If we were being honest, we'd admit that every single one of us is a walking shit-show in one way or another. We deal with depression, anxiety, phobias, abandonment issues, guilt, grief, anger, resentment, insecurity, addiction... etc, etc. Seeking a professional to help identify and correct these problems only means that you are making an attempt to grow. Never be embarrassed about doing that. Be proud. It means you are strong enough to open yourself up completely for analyzation.

That takes much more courage than most of us have.

Thursday, December 5, 2013

The Idea...

I've been kicking around this idea lately. It's something that has always appealed to me, whether subconsciously, or consciously. It's something drastic, yet appropriate... uncommon, yet necessary... frightening, yet peaceful. It's an idea that makes perfect sense for me but also forces me to place everything under a microscope. I call this idea "The Great Purge".

The Great Purge is a personal thing. It applies to only the one who puts it in motion. It's the act of cleansing one's life by removing connections to all things that harbor bad feelings... bad thoughts... bad memories. It's the journey of analyzing every single piece of your life, embracing only the things that truly bring you joy, and discarding the rest to be reclaimed by the outside world. I sense this Great Purge looming just ahead on my path.

How soon will I reach it?

It may be sooner than I realize...

Monday, October 21, 2013

The Root Of It All

I'm at the point now where money just doesn't mean anything to me. There's nothing I really want to buy. I already have everything I need. Don't get me wrong, I will be keeping what little money I do have in the name of necessity. And sure, there are a few minor, unimportant items I'd like to add to my personal entertainment library at some point, but even these aren't enough to drive any sense of greed or personal accumulation that seem to infest the rest of this society. It's not like I'll lose any sleep if I never get around to picking up those items. It's not life or death.

Money just doesn't matter to me. It doesn't mean anything and yet our society continues to revolve around it. Lives are made. Lives are lost. Relationships are forged and shattered. People are born and killed... all because of money.

It just doesn't matter to me anymore. I see the bigger picture. It's not the picture of an immediate, unknown future where living paycheck-to-paycheck becomes a feared routine. It's not the picture of making friends and family envious of my possessions and status. It's not even a picture of the twisting path to retirement and beyond. The picture I see is a portrait of the known universe, with billions of galaxies, each with billions of stars... each star with multiple planets and billions of potential beings in its light. And I can see us, here on Earth - just seven billion primitive humans on one rock who all seem to have their priorities backwards. Each of whom has been brainwashed into thinking that money actually counts for something, as if somehow it's a reflection of a person's heart and spirit. It isn't. It never was. In my opinion, the best things a person can offer this world are benevolence... passion... affection... love. You have never needed a paycheck to afford these things.

But that's just me. I guess I'm weird like that. I don't fit in because I think about things like this while everyone else is out trying to "succeed in life". Sometimes it's hard to feel like a good American when I don't worship money like everyone else. Why am I so different? What made me feel this way? Why have I never felt like I belong? I often find myself beyond frustration over these things. Am I honestly losing my mind? Or am I actually beginning to find it? Am I falling into a nightmare or finally waking up?

It's funny really. I feel like I'm finding my true self more and more every day... and I've never felt more lost.

Monday, October 14, 2013

Houston, ...

So I've been going through a bunch of old, ultimately unimportant items from my past that are wasting precious storage space. Among these items: some of my school papers from ancient times. Among these old school papers, I found a short High School report I did on the Apollo missions. During a somewhat serious account of Jim Lovell and crew's Apollo 13 journey, I apparently decided it was a great idea to include the following lines:

"...what really caused the explosion was a leak in the oxygen tank that eventually gave way. That's why they had to store their turd chunks in little plastic bags."

After reading this - and after laughing out loud unexpectedly for a bit - a number of random thoughts filled my head: (A) Wow, that was really random. (B) Haha that's kinda funny. I kill me. (C) And what did the teacher think when they were trying to grade this mess? (D) Was I honestly even trying to get an "A"? (E) How do they let me walk around without a helmet on? (F) I'm so glad High School is over. It was such a nightmare. On to better and brighter things!

... Upon further reflection, I appreciate the fact that along this crazy life-journey thing we call...... life-journies, at least I seemed to keep my same sense of humor intact. It's a great feeling to know that my young self made my old self giggle like one of the very schoolgirls my young self went to school with. I like that thought. And it proves that I'm not alone in the way I think. Or does it? ... Oh well, at least it gave me a laugh. Laughing is the most important thing one can do. Even if we only laugh at ourselves. Wow, this entry is really long.

Thursday, September 12, 2013

Symphony Of The Goddesses

Benaroya Hall, Seattle

The Legend Of Zelda: Symphony Of The Goddesses!! My first symphony experience: the greatest thing I've ever seen with my own ears. What an amazing night!

(And hats off to my great wife who put up with an hysterically excited geek-man-boy all night.)

Wednesday, September 11, 2013

Captain Shit Filter

Dear Life,

   Please feel free to keep throwing all of your bullshit at me. Every day I'm becoming more and more determined to take in that bullshit, break it down on a molecular level, absorb it into my system and transfer its energy into happy units. I will then take said happy units and blast them randomly back into the world. This is how I will conquer you. I suppose in that sense you can call me "Captain Shit Filter". That's what I do... I filter your shit and turn it into something better.

   The more bullshit you send my way, the happier the rest of the world will end up. So bring that shit on! I'm ready for some more!

--- Captain Shit Filter

Wednesday, September 4, 2013

We Could Be Heroes

We spend our time complaining about everything that's wrong in the world and waiting for the next big hero to come along and change it for us. What we continue to overlook is the fact that each and every one of us has the capacity to be that hero; to change the world for the better. Only YOU can truly improve your life.

How badly do you want it?

Wednesday, August 21, 2013


They say: Ordinary people can do extraordinary things.

I am obviously an ordinary person. Somehow, I feel like there's an extraordinary thing somewhere out there waiting to be done by someone like me. I've felt it my entire life. The problem is, I don't have a clue what it is or where to find it. What I do know is this: Our world is currently broken.

I see the world we should have clearly in my mind. It's one that has no place for things like homelessness or famine. In that world, nobody ever goes without water or food. There's no need for currency... everyone already has equal access to everything. When people get sick, they don't lose their life savings. And they don't feel the need to bring weapons everywhere, because they aren't afraid anymore. Kids don't get hurt at their schools... and teachers show up because they actually care. Religious leaders encourage their followers to embrace others and peacefully co-exist... I could go on and on, but what purpose does it serve? This world is merely a figment of my imagination.

I'm just hoping that someday we will wake up.

Sunday, August 18, 2013


One thing I have never had the privilege of relating to:  The thought of being born, living your whole life, and eventually dying... all in the same place. So many people pride themselves on this concept. It happens everywhere. They live their entire lives in the same place. Never exploring beyond the boundaries of the familiar and comfortable. Never opening their minds to take in new ideas and new cultures... new ways of thought. While I'm happy that these people find pride in this process, it makes me sad. There is an entire, vast, complex world out there.

How can one not want to get out there and explore any of it? It blows my mind.

Thursday, August 15, 2013


A hypothetical question for you...

Your two options. Do you...?:

A) Hide most of your true feelings. Continue to pretend that many things that happen in the world around you don't often claw at your soul and pierce your heart. Conform to the normalcy of society in the hope of finally finding a sense of belonging and acceptance.

B) Expose your true self. Open up more and let out all of the repressed feelings. To "be yourself" - in the process possibly alienating most of the people you know, likely losing any drop of respect for you they might have had left.


Which do you choose?

(Is there such thing as a full-life crisis?)

Thursday, August 8, 2013

A Stupid Rant About Jelly Beans

I had a jelly bean today. And when I say I had a "jelly bean", I actually just mean that I had a specific thought. (No actual jelly beans were consumed by me today.) It's just that thoughts are basically like jelly beans. So here's mine...

Every waking moment of every day, we are bombarded with ideas. Random ideas. These ideas constantly ambush us from every possible direction. Picture a big, empty kitchen with large windows. Picture a smooth counter in this kitchen that stretches past your wingspan. Now, picture a large, open jar in the middle of this counter. The jar is filled half-way with jelly beans. This jar represents your mind. Each jelly bean: a random thought.

Your mind processes thoughts as your body would consume a jelly bean. It takes a thought, savors the color, the aroma, the texture... and the taste. It fully analyzes every detail of the jelly bean until finally it's exhausted and digested. Your mind then moves onto the next jelly bean...

So, as we mentioned, your jar is already half-full of thoughts, each and every one of which need to be given your mind's full attention in order to process. But we distract ourselves. We distract ourselves with things that end up only dropping more jelly beans into our jar. Every single day, we subconsciously collect more and more jelly beans in our jar... at a rate much faster than we can digest those already in our jar. This eventually results in our jar overflowing with information. Bits and pieces of solid thoughts that splash around in our minds. Some of these thoughts are special. Some of them have the potential to be life-changing. Most are not. However, it's in your best interest to allow your mind the time to correctly digest each and every thought. After all, your mind is the world's finest file cabinet of information. But if not given a proper chance, it will eventually overflow. Perhaps spilling over the counter. Perhaps filling the kitchen. Perhaps even eventually filling the house and spilling outside... leaving your peace of mind and serenity feeling buried alive.

This is when stress thrives. Our minds crack under the pressure of trying to keep up with the incoming thoughts. This is unhealthy. I picture meditation as a way of stepping back from the jar. Back from the counter. A way of telling the world, "Stop! You are not putting any more jelly beans in my jar today."  This is the action that helps most. It allows your mind to stop letting in new information - even if just for a minute - and lets you focus on the digesting of those many jelly beans you already have in your jar. 

In such a demanding, hyperactive, distracting world, it's hard to find peace. But sometimes you just need to stop. Stop everything you're doing, close your eyes, take a deep breath and enjoy a mental jelly bean. Have two. Or three. Or more. The more you take the time to enjoy, the better you will feel. The lighter your mind will feel. Enjoy everything you have while you still have it. You can never enjoy too many. I promise, once your jar nears empty, many more delicious jelly beans will find their way to your bowl.

Thursday, July 18, 2013


It's both sad and frustrating for me to know nobody will ever truly understand the way my brain works and how I view the world. Throughout my life, my inability to properly articulate my thoughts and feelings to others has basically paralyzed my development and growth. My mouth opens... disconnected thoughts and incomplete ideas spill out... hence the reason I tend to keep my mouth shut.

When you look at me, you see a boring, unemotional person with no personality... no humor... no heart. That's because I'm typically good at hiding inside myself, as if my internal computer had precise control over a complex series of emotional floodgates. It doesn't mean that people like me don't feel. It doesn't mean your mean-spirited comments don't hurt us. It just means we are cloaked.

Cloaked from the outside world and damaged from something elusive in the past.

Wednesday, July 3, 2013

The Emperor's New Penguin Clothes

I think it would be totally worth it to rent an expensive tuxedo just so I can crash a super-elite party in the fancy-pants, snob-pile part of town. I would straighten my posture and throw around smoldering, if not very creepy, looks. And of course I would speak in a gentle, British accent and often make references to my personal assistant, Dominic.

I would do all of this just to see how long it takes them to find me a fraud and kick me out of the party. The best part? I could try the same thing the following week and attempt to break my record.