Twenty Years

Feeling good today... Although I still feel like I constantly have so much to do, I'm beginning to piece together a new approach to my life; trying hard to focus on one minor thing at a time. For as long as I can remember, the world has been beyond overwhelming for me to be a part of. So much to take in... so much to learn...... so much to do. I think about the rest of my life - however long that may be - and I imagine all the things I will someday know. Things that my 2015 brain can't even yet comprehend. I think about these possibilities and it makes me smile.

Twenty years ago, I was secretly suicidal; wanting and waiting to die. My world was beyond dark. To put it more simply, I was lost.

But I'm still here. Fighting. I've given everything I have to crawl up and reach the sunlight. And now? ......... Now, I love my life and the moments of beauty I can find in it. I don't want to die anymore. I mean, I know I still will someday, but I've already made my peace with that. It doesn't scare me at all. I am determined more than ever to enjoy each moment while I am lucky enough to have that opportunity.

The "T" Word

My state of mind lately: What can I improve today? (Thank you, therapy.)

By the way, we need to stop treating "therapy" like a bad word. It is not a bad word.... "Shit", for instance, is a bad word... albeit an entertaining one; especially used in a fun way like: "Hey, would you like some more cookies you shit-face?".

Therapy is not a bad word. It's one of the best things I've ever done for myself, and I'm excited to continue exploring it further.

Back When

I often find myself contemplating: Can I love this girl any more? My usual conclusion is "no". I couldn't possibly love someone more than I love her. She is everything to me; my missing half. She completes my puzzle of life. And without her, I'd be a waste of hydrogen, carbon, and everything else worth noting. She gives me a reason to stick around. On top of everything else, I love her for that.

Today's Thought

I'm getting to the point where I'd rather just be loathed for who I am than liked for who I'm not.

I see the barrier up ahead...

Malt Balls

I just had this great idea... You know when you finish your monthly meds and you're left with all these empty plastic containers that are too useless to keep around, but far too rad to throw away? I started thinking... what if I walked around a city park looking for rabbit turds, found a way to mummify them, and filled each of those med bottles up with them? Then I could white out certain parts of the labels and rewrite them. That way, when I have visitors over and they inevitably snoop through my medicine cabinet, they'll find them and wonder why I have a prescription for 40MG mummified rabbit turds. And then if they confront me about it, I'd explain that I was once bitten by a Peruvian hare, and this is the only known counter-agent. Then I'd pick up one of the bottles and take one in front of them, not telling them that particular bottle is actually full of tiny malt balls.

And I know what you're thinking: How would the medicine cabinet smell after three months or so? Well, probably not good. But hey, it's a bathroom and those usually stink anyway.

By the way, therapy is going well.

Class Dismissed

Divide and conquer.

Those in power know how effective this is and continue to do everything they can to turn us against each other. Because while we're fighting amongst ourselves, we are that much more distracted from realizing what's really going on and how much of a puppet class the middle class has become.

State Of Flux

Something I've recently learned about my thought process:

My mind is constantly drifting from thoughts of the past ("If i had done that differently, how might things have gone?")... to thoughts of the future (If I do this, what might the consequence(s) be, and how will that affect my life?"). The future-based thoughts tend to consume the majority of my focus and energy. This prevents me from being able to fully enjoy the present, which is a key to finding happiness and contentment. (They call this practice of being in the present: "Mindfulness"... something I've begun to explore for myself.)

It's funny because I've always felt time itself is just a man-made concept. The past is gone, never to visit us again. The future hasn't happened yet and is constantly in a state of flux, so the future, in a sense, doesn't exist either. One could even argue that the present doesn't even exist... because by the time you identify a moment as being "the present", it has already escaped and become the past. So my mind often feels conflicted about things. This confliction inevitably leads to frustration. The frustration becomes anger... at the world... at society... but mostly just at myself for not being smart enough to figure these things out and make sense of them.

^^^ This is a good example of why I'm in therapy in the first place.

I Like Me Some Me, And You Should Like Some Me

For the longest time, I've been afraid of admitting to liking a lot of the stuff that honestly has a special place in my heart... or life... or just plain personal nostalgia library. I was afraid of what others would think of me. Somehow I just knew they would laugh at me; ridicule me; endlessly tease me and perhaps call me names behind my back. What I have since realized is that many of them also secretly held dear much of the same things. Why are we so often afraid to admit the things we love? Campy... cheesy... bubblegum things... Why is it so horrible to still embrace the things we grew up with? Why is it so "childish" to continue to enjoy the things that let us escape to our youth, if even only for a moment? I could never stand that look people give me now and then, as if to say with their eyes, "You like THAT?!?". I can't live that way any longer.

I love a lot of things that society says a straight, 36-year-old male is not supposed to like. Like ABBA. (Their "Gold" (greatest hits) album is insanely good!!) NKOTB's "Step By Step" is a song I will never get tired of. I still giggle every time someone says the word "nards". I play video games. I love everything Ninja Turtles. When I drive to work, sometimes I crank up A Taste Of Honey and sing along while I'm wearing my purple work shirt and driving my Prius. This is me. I do these things. And I'm becoming much more comfortable with the person I've become. I'm actually learning to even like me a little, and the extreme weirdness I can be at times. In fact, I secretly wouldn't have it any other way. Of course, I will always want people to like me, and to think I'm a good person... but what's most important of all is for ME to like me. Because if I don't like me, why should I expect anyone else to?

(ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED: Uninteresting rant completed!)

Today's Thought

If my name was Barry, and I ever moved to Hawaii, I would totally enjoy having the locals nickname me "Haole Barry".

The Bee's Sneeze

You know when people sneeze really, really loud for no reason...... and usually without any kind of warning? I'm always like, "Hey. Stop that. That's so annoying. Nobody likes that and you just scared the complete shit out of me." But I never say that out loud, I just think it. I don't want to seem mean.

The Calm

Sometimes I feel like I'm in the calm-before-the-storm phase of life. I can't figure out if there's a non-threatening tropical downpour on the horizon, or a catastrophic Category 5 looking to blow apart the foundations I've struggled for decades to build. Whatever comes, I will continue to embrace change for the better. Without change, we cannot grow.

The Speed Of Sound

Sometimes I wear earplugs for hours at a time. It's not always just to block out the noise pollution around us every second of every day. It's not always just my feeble attempt at trying to stay focused on any given task by avoiding distraction. It's not always just my way of going without simple things we often take for granted - like sound - that so many of us never get to experience at all. It's not always just a helpful reminder of how lucky I am to have the ability to hear in the first place. Okay, so maybe I do it for a little bit of all those reasons. But mostly, I just find it peaceful and refreshing. I find it fascinating to experience the only sound in my brain being the rapid electrical signals shooting around within it. It's like meditation for me.

Turn The Page

Well, today I began a new chapter in my life. I finally had my first therapy session. It went pretty well I think, although the first two sessions are mostly going to be just for an assessment; a chance for my therapist and I to get to know each other and begin developing some goals and forging paths to a better place. I've been pretty anxious about this process -- and a little scared too -- but it's nice that it was an easier step than I expected. The only surprise so far is that I ended up talking way more than I realized I did. As it turns out, I'm actually sort of a blabbermouth sometimes.

Today's Helpful Tip

When traveling, always pack an extra pair of underpants. For instance, if you plan to spend six days out and about, be sure to pack at least seven pairs. This way, if you happen to shit yourself at any moment during your trip, you'll have the extra pair ready to go. Just slip the "destroyed" pair off, slide them in the nearest gas station garbage can, smack yourself in the goodies with a bottle full of Lysol wipes, and slide on the fresh, clean pair. Problem solved.

(But if you happen to shit yourself two or more times that week, you're on your own. It might be best at that point to cancel the remainder of your trip and drive straight to some type of clinic.)

Today's Thought

My current goal is to love myself a lot more.

So far, my personal record is six times in one day.

Fantasy / Reality

In fantasy world: I'm so ripped that my good buddy Hugh Jackman frequently calls me up and begs me for workout tips.

In reality: I stand in front of the mirror looking back at an awkward tub of goo... convincing myself that humans were never really supposed to look like this.

Today's Thought

It never ceases to amaze me how beautiful some of the game music out there really is. Some of the greatest symphonic pieces; some of the catchiest loops; some of the most creative composing... all from gaming music. It's a genre gold-mine full of little, shiny nuggets of amazing.

A New Beginning

Really excited! After a couple months of communication issues, and honestly, some procrastination, I finally have my first three appointments scheduled with my new therapist. I'll begin on Sept 1st, and it may quickly turn into a weekly session. I never realized how much of a weight would already be lifted just by solidifying the first appointment(s). Now, I just need to wait for a few weeks until I can go in and talk to her about how much of a tool I am. I'm so looking forward to that! Although it may be a long, grocery-list of issues, I've got to start somewhere. I can't wait to dive into this process.

Post

I’ve reached a point in my life where I just don’t have the energy to live a lie anymore. I’m tired of pretending; of trying so hard to be someone I never really was. For the past 22 years – since I was thirteen - I’ve struggled with severe depression. During that time, I have often danced with the idea of suicide. On more than one occasion, I’ve been an impulsive whim away from attempting it. I don’t usually share this and I’ve never been particularly good at asking for help. Because of that, I’ve never really had any treatment for this problem. For the longest time, I thought if I was smart enough, perhaps I could think myself out of the problem. I realize now that I was wrong.

I’ve always had a devastating, debilitating shyness and social anxiety. I struggle to feel the basic sense of connection that others often take for granted. I have a chemical imbalance in my brain, with extremely low levels of both serotonin and testosterone. I’ve never really felt close to people. I’m easily intimidated by others and I become embarrassed far too easily. I don’t remember how to cry. On some level, I’ve always blamed myself for everything wrong in the world. I’ve never felt smart enough, and I’ve always been horrified by my own social awkwardness. These issues tend to pile up on each other until I am crushed and paralyzed by my own brain, sending me further and further down the spiral of depression.

For the majority of my lifetime, I’ve been riddled with trying to figure out where I belong in this world. Although I have yet to come up with an answer, I’m at least beginning to fit together the pieces.

Despite these issues, I actually enjoy being alive and witnessing the beauty that surrounds us every day. I’ve always known how lucky I was to have such terrific parents. And later in life, I somehow found an amazing wife who has helped me through more than she’ll ever know. But being surrounded by a few great people who love you is not always enough when the problem is clawing at you from somewhere deep inside. I’ve gradually come to realize it’s not life that I hated all along…… it was me.

I’ve always believed that the only way to truly understand depression is to go through it. Some of you might understand why I believe this. The rest of you may not… and that’s a good thing.

Depression often makes you feel like you’re alone in this world, and no one else can possibly ever understand you or the things you’ve been through. It can isolate you and make you feel worthless; a waste of oxygen. It can sabotage your relationships, destroy your dreams and aspirations, and condemn you to a life of perpetual heartbreak. It can tug hope away from you and try to convince you that your life will never be what you want it to be. This is how it has affected me for so long.

This isn’t an attempt to go fishing for sympathy, or a way for me to shine a spotlight on myself; I’ve never been a fan of doing either. I just believe the biggest problem with depression is nobody seems to ever want to talk about it, and if we ever do, it’s usually at a point when it’s too late for someone. It bothers me to my core that these discussions rarely take place, especially while depression and suicide continue to affect so many of us in life. I feel like I just can’t be part of that problem anymore. In the end, keeping quiet doesn’t help anybody.

I’ve wracked my brain weighing the pros and cons of sharing this with all of you. I realize I’m going to be judged by some and understood by others. But I also know that so many of you, and so many others in my past that I’ve cared about, have been through similar things. I see it so much in the people around me; more often than many of them would probably care to admit. It’s likely much closer to you than you probably even realize.

As for me, I’ve finally taken steps to begin addressing my problems. I found a doctor and explained my concerns to her… putting aside any fear or vulnerability I might have had. Although I’m not necessarily a fan of medication, I recently began taking one since she genuinely believes it can help me begin the journey to a better place. I’m now taking that every day, and will continue to follow up with her as much as needed in the future. The next step for me is to locate a therapist. I have already been looking, but not having much luck so far. I’m going to keep at it until I find the right one and hopefully begin the road to recovery very soon. I have a long list of issues and I’m excited to finally delve into my psyche to try and piece together some solutions. I can’t wait to see what I learn.

In the meantime, if you know somebody who you suspect might be depressed, just talk to them. Give them a hug, or an honest compliment. Spend time with them. Invite them to do something fun. Make them feel special. You might be surprised how a simple gesture can end up pointing someone in the right direction. And if YOU struggle with depression like I do, just remember, you are never alone. You do NOT have to feel guilty about it and it is NOT your fault. But also remember that YOU are the only one who has the keys to begin healing. Others can help of course, but ultimately, it’s up to you to decide where you go from here. And it’s important to keep in mind that it’s okay to ask for help. Depression may never completely leave you, but with time and dedication, you’ll do all the things you always wanted to do in life. You can even be happy. Give it a try. You deserve it.

Becoming

Sometimes I'm not sure if I feel like someone else, or I'm being myself for the first time.

... But I like it.

Mirror, Mirror

Sometimes I look in the mirror and what I see looking back at me is an ugly, fat, stupid, mental, uptight, lame piece of crap with no social life and no hobbies. But then I think, "Hey. I'm not being very fair to myself. That's not true at all... I have hobbies."

Today's Thought

I think it would be fun to make tiny white staples, then staple your co-workers' documents together in random places to amuse yourself.

Rembrandt Brown

Whenever I see someone crying, I envy them. I wish I could feel things too.

Today's Thought

As it turns out, I think I'm actually pretty classy. Anyone who doesn't think so... hey, feel free to eat my shit.

Fear Itself

I suppose my biggest obstacle in life continues to be fear.

When I think long and hard about it, fear is the one constant through everything I struggle with. I'm just afraid of everything and everyone. It's always been this way, and it needs to stop. I can't live like this anymore.

I'm afraid that people won't like me. I'm afraid I'm really as insignificant and forgotten as I've always felt I am. I'm afraid that I'll finally get in the best shape of my life and they will still think I'm ugly and weak. I'm afraid I'll learn everything I've always wanted to know and they'll still think I'm stupid and lame. I'm afraid I'll never get to experience the things in life most people take for granted. I'm afraid my best will never be good enough for them, or worse, for me. I'm afraid of hurting people. And I'm afraid of continuing to let them hurt me because I think I somehow deserve it. I'm afraid of speaking up about things I care about because I will only be ridiculed, shamed, and repeatedly told how wrong I am. I'm afraid of letting the world know what I really am because it will isolate me even further... as if that could actually be possible at this point. I'm afraid to cry, because crying exposes how fragile and weak I am inside. I'm afraid of taking the needed steps to put myself in a much healthier environment, because I'm afraid it means leaving behind the people I care about. I'm afraid of the unknown future, and the past that only continues to haunt me. I'm afraid I don't have the ability to help people like I once thought I might. I'm afraid that some things were carved into my nature and I'll never be able to change them. I'm afraid that I'll finally be where everyone hopes to be, and I still won't be happy. I'm afraid of being laughed at... and endlessly teased... and silently tormented, forever. I'm afraid that these feelings will never go away.

I'm afraid this existence is only inevitable for me. I'm afraid I will always be like this.

There comes a time for everything.

Now, it's time to stop being afraid.

The Cog

There's a side of me that proudly claims my space in existance. Here I am, World. Now deal with me. But there's another side of me that is, and always has been, defeated by this same world. I've always been well aware that on a cosmic scale I am nothing. And honestly, I'm okay with that. I really am. I never felt the need to be bigger than myself. I prefer to be just another cog in the machine. Many may hope to be the machine itself, but without the individual parts, the machine as a whole is worthless. Realizing this, every random cog inevitably becomes essential to its overall function. This, I think, is the formula of life as we know it. We all dream of being the machine. But in retrospect, all each of us should do is be the best damn cog we can be. That's the only way our whole world can flourish.

As much as we like to fantasize that we are unique, the bottom line is that we need each other.

Peace is essential.

Am I talking crazy? Probably. But where there is crazy, maybe there can also be hope.

We are so much better than the shit we are today.

Seeing Through

I suppose I've always been alone; at least, I've always felt I was. Invisible to the outside world. Here, but not really here. Just there... being worthless and taking up space.

You'd think after struggling for 35 years, I might finally be able to experience a sense of belonging in this world; a taste of what it might be like to be needed. You'd probably be wrong. I don't feel needed... never have. And we know that things that aren't needed quickly become things that are useless and therefore expendable.

Leaving Hell

When someone commits suicide, so many people are quick to call that person "weak". As someone who actually understands depression and the hell it is, I often think about how strong that person must have been to hold on and fight for so long... especially with no help at all.