Thursday, March 31, 2005

Into The Sunset

I am close to quitting my job. Today I was marked down for something I didn't do. They say I misfiled some papers... I didn't. But it's in "my section", so I get the blame. I'm not going to talk about what that all means. Long story short, they don't know what the fuck they're talking about. They don't know our job... or who does what. They keep piling the workload onto three of us, then blaming us when we're not caught up. I'm so fucking fed up!

So, today I decided I'm moving to Vegas. Unfortunately, I can't right away, as the timing is horrible.

I'm driving over to Idaho in May, to catch the Episode III premiere with my buddy, Wayne. It's a tradition for us, as we waited in line for eight hours at that same theater just to get tickets for Episode I a week in advance. We caught that premiere there a week later, and Episode II's as well in 2002. So I'm really looking forward to that. :)

When I quit, I will also lose my insurance. This means I need to get my eyes checked before then. I seem to have headaches everyday anymore, it sucks. Plus I have my ER visit in Hawaii to pay off (about $240 more) from my allergic reaction to the sun. So of course, me being a genius, I want to move to Vegas, right? I mean, it's not like the sun ever shines there! (But I just have to keep the sun off my back, which won't be difficult)

In the meantime, I also need to have more money saved up before I head down there. I'll need to be able to afford an extended-stay motel for AT LEAST two months... which hopefully will be enough time for me to find a decent job. I don't expect Jen to want to go with me this time, so I'm going to be doing this alone. It frightens me a little maybe, but it's something I feel I should do. Either way, I'll come out of it with lessons learned.

Often I find myself fantasizing about a life down there. Finding a little place where I can set up my drumset again and get some experience in. Maybe joining a group of guys who like to jam and maybe even play gigs. It would be sweet to make a living doing something like that. Then again, I don't have the right personality for that, or the talent yet either, so that idea will have to wait. I also picture myself getting into some kind of daily workout routine, building and toning muscle and boosting my confidence in the process. Easier said than done, I know. Sounds good though...

Ultimately, I need to start a new life. I'm set on leaving myself behind... at least the unwanted parts. I will take what friends I have with me, and of course my close family. Some of my posessions (computer, clothes, guitar, etc) at first, but it will likely be a few months before I'm able to get the rest of my stuff down there. And of course that all depends on if I'm successful in the move this time. I figure doing this may be my last chance at happiness. If I have to come back again, something will have to be done...

Tuesday, March 29, 2005

Yet Unknown

It is gone. The fantasy of feeling is a twinkle in the sky. Yet still, I would cry myself to sleep if it meant never having to wake up. There is a time when writing becomes pointless. Words can not always express a feeling, or lack of one for that matter. Yet, I continue to write. Why is that? Perhaps the words bleed through my hands and into my conscience. Perhaps my eyes recognize a skewed version of what should have been. Perhaps those same eyes deceive me. Is it right to feel more detached from reality when sober? Is it normal to never feel normal? I gaze into the crystal of the future, only to find the random fragment of nostalgic euphoria. Learning to feel as the white-hot light surrounds me. Will it be too late?

Monday, March 28, 2005

The Coin

It's funny how a little unexpected comment can brighten up a Monday. For the third time this week, a woman told me I smell good. I have no clue why, because I'm not much for cologne. I assume I smell like crap... apparantly I am wrong. And I can't figure it out. But never the less, it made me smile.


Hit again with the might of uncertainty. Is the world as crazy as I see? Is it only me? Finding an answer is no easy task. Wanting to be normal, but desiring anything but. I do not belong on the inside, I am destined for isolation. How does something so simple become so foreign? A necessity I will never know. It's so easy for you, isn't it? Show me how to live.

Sunday, March 20, 2005

Blogging The Dolphin

How are my peeps in the hizzouse doing today? I just need to inform you all that my next blog will be from a new computer. My CPU crashed last Wednesday, and I had to pay a guy to look at it. I figured 'what the hell' and went ahead and had him upgrade me to a nicer one while he's at it. So by next weekend, I'll be blogging with a computer that's roughly twice as fast as the old one. :) He's going to also give me a new 60/80 gig harddrive, and make my current 60 a secondary. This will give me plenty more space for "Ryan's Music Project"... or what I like to call 'RMP'.

I am still able to use other people's computers to check email, etc (which I'm doing now)... so feel free to drop me notes whenever you like. Just be patient with me as I'll surely be slow to respond.

Until then, be safe... and may the forces of evil become confused on the way to your home.


Tuesday, March 15, 2005



Another day gone by
reddish-white zooms by me in one smooth blur
into the night it disappears
alone on the jet black pavement
driving with intent; destination unknown
anywhere but here
do i exit early, or cruise down this straightaway
do i leave life behind and start someone else's
a rainstorm flows over me
tires spilling through oceans
heading for the clouds
may they wash me of my irrelevance
the skies part, the air is calm
scattered bits of golden light peek through
extending a path to the horizon
and so my journey begins, as another day is born
one more chance to live

Monday, March 14, 2005

Today's Pics

Tunes (Pt 2)

Monday sees Abbey Road to my place. Also arriving today, "Thank You", a greatest-hits collection of Stone Temple Pilots with a DVD of videos and misc footage included... as well as Astrud Gilberto's "Finest Hour". As you may know, I love to mellow out with some jazzed out shit every once in awhile. Good stuff! :)

Oh yeah, and yesterday I finally ordered "Non Zero Sumness" by Planet Funk. It's the extended imported version with three extra tracks... can't wait for that. Plus, I also ordered a Daft Punk DVD with some videos, etc. Today I'm having the urge to pick up a copy of Pink Floyd's "Dark Side Of The Moon", just because I feel somehow not officially a classic rock fan until it's in my collection. Though I must admit to not hearing it yet, it's supposed to be one of the greatest. We'll see.

Sunday, March 13, 2005

Weekend # 1328

My weekend was nice for a change. Last night, I ate a delicious chinese dinner, then won a couple hundred bucks playing roulette (which is going straight into my bank account tomorrow). Today, I went to the studio with my dad and we jammed like mofos. I'm getting pretty good at the drums and singing. When we got back, my dad gives me over 60 CD's he doesn't need anymore.

...if only every weekend were as good.

Saturday, March 12, 2005


"Those who dance are considered insane by those who can't hear the music."

---George Carlin

Wednesday, March 9, 2005


feeling high
feeling tight
in the sky
like a kite

let me float
with no care
i am here
i am there

call on me
when you do
i will come
here to you

not again
will i hide
i will stay
on this ride

see my grace
see my flight
see me fly
through the night

Tuesday, March 8, 2005

"B" is for Bodacious Beats

Okay, I figure I'm only entertaining myself here, but I feel like I might as well sneak some other letters in while I'm going through my music library. Why should "A" have all the fun? Besides, it's something to post when a better thought escapes me. With that, here are the albums (actual CD's) in my collection that start with "B" (again, in no order):

  • Breath From Another - Esthero
  • Born 2B Blue - Steve Miller
  • Bad Hair Day - Al Yankovic
  • Big Willie Style - Will Smith
  • Broken - nine inch nails
  • Bleach - Nirvana
  • Bad Boys - (Misc / soundtrack)
  • Back In Black - AC/DC
  • Back In '98 - Bob & Tom
  • Best Of... Vol. 1 - Van Halen
  • Ballbreaker - AC/DC
  • Blood On The Dance Floor - Michael Jackson

...look for more letters in the future. Collect the whole set!!

Thursday, March 3, 2005


Here is a recent letter from a reader of Time, that I found interesting:

"Instead of asking why we sleep, it might make sense to ask why we wake. Perchance we live to dream. From that perspective, the sea of troubles we navigate in the workday world might be the price we pay for admission to another night in the world of dreams."

---Richard Greene

Wednesday, March 2, 2005

"A" is for Audial Aura

Here are all the albums (on CD) I have that begin with the letter "A", in no particular order:

  • A Rush Of Blood To The Head - Coldplay
  • Any Given Thursday - John Mayer
  • All For You - Janet Jackson
  • As/Is - John Mayer
  • All The Best - Paul McCartney
  • Antichrist Superstar - Marilyn Manson
  • All World - LL Cool J
  • And All That Could Have Been - nine inch nails
  • Anthology 1 - The Beatles
  • All-4-One - All-4-One
  • Alive 1997 - Daft Punk
  • Alapalooza - Al Yankovic
  • All The Pain Money Can Buy - Fastball
  • A Little Bit Of Mambo - Lou Bega
  • Appetite For Destruction - Guns N' Roses
  • A Funk Odyssey - Jamiroquai
  • Astro Lounge - Smash Mouth
  • A-Sides - Soundgarden

Tuesday, March 1, 2005


Life is complete
Life is completely unfair

enough with the crying
enough with the whining
enough with the unrealistic hope
it can never be

what remains is truth
it has all come to be
a storm of chaos
followed by the calm of seas

how can the tides draw so near
why do they not spill into each other
why must our lives burn in the fire of time
please let your waves cover me

i am
i am not ready
i am not ready to fight this flame
yet it burns so hot inside me

scalding my dreams
only one way to extinguish it
i must take the chance
i must swallow the water of hope

it softens my body
fills me of relief
yet still leaves me empty inside
this may be unavoidable

once more it is done
one pain only covers another
on this cycle of life
my feet are moving, but i haven't budged