Atypical Content

Yes, I do realize my posts tend to be saturated in dismay and disappointment. And while I'm not going to apologize for it and begin writing phony and insincere material, I do think it's a good idea to mix things up a bit. Variety is a dear friend. It keeps things interesting. In this case, at least for me...

So inspired by a friend, here is a list of things I'm very happy and/or excited about recently:

• Plans are in the early stages to get a new roommate in a few short months. Nothing against my current one (she's a great roommate), but a new situation was recently made available to me. A friend, whom I've not gotten much of a chance to get to know yet but feel we have much in common, is struggling back home and is considering a move out this way. I can think of so many ways how rooming together would be the perfect situation for both of us. I truly believe we can help each other out in my ways. As far as when this move might happen... we don't know yet. It depends on a few things. But I do know it won't be any later than August. That's the very longest we'd possibly have to wait. So I'm really excited to see how those plans develop.
• I went out again last night and limited myself to a couple drinks. My justification for going there is now the desire to share some great music on the digital jukebox. In admitedly elitist fashion, I find myself sometimes feeling sorry for the average bar mate. Most of them seem so musically unaware and deprived... I have quietly stepped up and taken this task under my wing. And after being asked many questions about the songs blasting through the speakers ("Who is this?", "What's this one called? I like it.", etc), it seems all the more apparant to me that it needs to be done. People will fall in love with music again...
• I also passed up having a smoke with a couple of the bar locals. I admit, I've smoked a couple times with them, but just for the record, I've never had a sober smoke. And I insist that I will not let it become an addiction. (I quietly believe that addiction and lack of self-control is for the weak-minded). But I passed it up last night on the mere reaffirmation that it's just fucking disgusting. The smell lingers and stains your clothes. It's so rank. Plus, cigarette smoke gives me a terrible headache anyway. Sure, I'll still have an ocassional smoke now and then... just not with cigarettes anymore. I'm placing this on the list here only because it's one of those rare conclusions I've come to. Damn, that "jump to conclusions mat" turned out to be a really good purchase after all.
• I recently ordered (and received) The Beatles' "White Album". I've been meaning to pick it up for the longest time because many of my favorite Beatles tunes are on it: I Will, While My Guitar Gently Weeps, Helter Skelter, Julia, Blackbird, Dear Prudence, Mother Nature's Son, etc. (It's a double-disc album, if you don't know.) I've been on a real Beatles kick lately. I just watched their film Help! again yesterday, and a new bumper sticker is on its way to my mailbox. It will go right next to the NIN sticker on my car. :)
• I've been playing my guitar a bit more than usual lately. My hands only continue to improve in coordination and speed. Sometimes I can't believe I'm even playing what I hear my guitar spit out. It's very inspiring to realize you're making progress in something you've always wanted to improve.
• Also, for the first time in awhile, I feel like I'm making progress with my finances. After receiving my tax refund, I dumped off $400 of it into my Roth IRA. So that puts me at about $2500 in there so far. I know it's not much, but I basically just started. And I've decided to shoot for having a minimum of $4000 in there by the end of the year. Baby steps.
• I may not overly enjoy my job, but I do love the fact that I get to listen to music for most of the day. My entire morning consists basically of three or four albums that I listen to straight through. Because of this, I feel I'm becoming much more familiar with the music I've been discovering and digging. For instance, I've been listening to my two Zero 7 albums extensively. They are most excellent, and so I now consider Zero 7 to be among my favorite bands/artists. I love that mellow, bittersweet, jazz-inspired, groove-heavy stuff. :) I'm going to try and track down all of their other releases if I can...
• Next Saturday, I'm going to see Ben Folds downtown. I'm really looking forward to that! It'll be my second concert of the year (preceded only by the Coldplay/Fiona Apple show in late January). So far, it's been the year of some entertaining piano work, baby. Oh yeah.

Vehemence (Chapter 3)

Okay people, just to let you know, this month is pronouced Feb-RU-ary! NOT Feb-U-ary. It bugs the shit out of me when you either say it incorrectly or fail to spell it the way it should be spelled. And whenever I hear someone say it the wrong way, let's just say their true intellect is briefly exposed. (And the same thing goes for the spelling of Wed-NES-day. How hard is it really?!) Pop open a fucking dictionary sometime.

And while I'm on the subject of stupid shit coming out of peoples' mouths, are we about done with the phrase "talking smack"? It's such a dumbass saying. I don't understand why the hell it became so popular in the first place. Whenever I hear the term "smack", when not referring to a mildly violent hit, I always think of a stupid degenerate frog trying to sell me nasty-ass cereal.

...And what the fuck is up with the term "come with"? As in, "Hey, we're all going to the party. You should come with." This also sounds incredibly stupid. I'm always waiting for the moron to finish their sentence. Come with........ you? Someone else? Who exactly? Who am I "coming with"?? How difficult is it really to throw a "me" at the end of the sentence to make it complete and much less confusing? A two-letter word people, I think we can make the effort. It won't really put you out that much will it? Quit being fucking lazy. And start making more sense.

Not The Only One

I went out last night to the usual place. And I saw Jessi there again. (See 09/11/05 entry) She didn't have her glasses this time, but I still knew her instantly... Attraction goes beyond tiny physical details like that. She was with a guy I can only assume to be Joe, and we made brief eye contact, from which I had an overwhelming feeling that she didn't remember me at all. To borrow a line from American Beauty, "Oh it's okay, I wouldn't remember me either."

Basically, when I'm attracted to someone, our possible future together blazes through my mind in a lightning storm of lust. Within seconds, I live out every urge and desire with said person. That, I'm sure, explains why I am so frequently let down and disappointed by reality. Honestly, I don't know if I'm the only one who has these experiences, or if it's fairly normal thing. I do have my suspicions though... and they all point to me being nothing more than a dreamer.

Jigsaw (Intoxication Remix)

I'm not sure whether I'm happy or sad. Most likely somewhere in between the two...

Jen and I basically broke up earlier this week. We are on "a break", which to me, seems to mean we're done. Say goodbye to five years of memories. It's a mutual thing, as we think it would be good for both of us for awhile. Basically, she introduced the idea and I agreed with it's validity. Besides, the pressure has been building, and it's apparant we have not been getting along as well as we should. Somehow, we ventured off onto our own paths; drastically different from each other's. And we want different things. What can you do? That's life.

I wish nothing but the best for her, I really do. I want her to find the one thing - whatever or whomever that may be - that makes her truly happy. That's what she deserves. In the meantime, we will remain casual friends. We will talk occasionally over the phone... perhaps even hang out and watch a movie or two. But no more spending nights together. No more kissing between her shoulder blades before we fall asleep. I cannot mold my body to hers for warmth during the night. Or run my fingertips lightly up and down her back. No more running my hand through her hair as she falls asleep... None of that. And I will miss it. I will miss it greatly.

If only I could find someone who wants to take over the position...

Jigsaw

Disconnect the dots. Open a new notepad. Take apart the puzzle of my life. Flip the pieces over and upside down. Mix them up and count to fifty...

Now, shove the heap of individual pieces back to me. Let me try this again. I want to make sure the edges are all where they should be. I want to know the corners are where I need them. Don't let me see the box, I want to use my imagination. This feels like a critical time. A time of opportunity. The ground beneath my feet is shaky but stable. And I will not give up today.

I am in the mood to start putting a beautiful puzzle together...

Confessions of A Person Who's All High

Yeah yeah, spare me the lectures. I'm all high.

For some odd reason, I feel the sudden urge to record my thoughts. Not neccessarily out of mockery, but rather out of my continuous curiosity. I'm not concerned about how stupid I may sound. We all know I crossed that line years ago. I am only looking to stay true to my thoughts... sober or not. It all comes from the same place. So here goes...

I am experiencing the strangest feeling lately. It's as if I know the answers to everything in the world... but I don't know the questions yet. An odd feeling of knowing everything that perhaps I'm not meant to yet. I'm sure somehow it's pure ego talking... what little of one I have. But I have to be honest, it's kind of nice to feel confidence in something for a change. I miss that.

Hey. You want to know how to know if you love something? You find it beautiful, inspiring and depressing all at the same time. Let's just say I must love many things...

Dismay

How sad it can be
so sad, yet so true
that i sleep alone
in a bed made for two

tossing and turning
with no hope for peace
while dreaming of pleasure,
content and release

you say there is meaning
for people like me
but how would you know
you don't see what i see

and until you do
you can never quite know
why the torture inside us
continues to grow

of course there are moments
when life is more fair
but those very times
seem frustratingly rare

but still i foresee
that our lives will begin
as soon as we harness
the joy from within

V-Day

A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away...

There was a conference of executives. All the top guys and gals from Hallmark, Russell Stover, Zales and 1-800-FLOWERS were there. Here's the summary of the meeting:

"Ladies and gentlemen, our businesses are not taking off like we originally hoped. I suggest we create a new holiday to help promote our wonderful products; a way to force guilt and obligation into the minds of the consumer sheep out there. It'll work, I swear! Who's with me?"

I guess I just don't get the point of Valentine's Day anymore. Perhaps I do understand the intention - a day to celebrate love - and I can appreciate that more than anyone can. But I'm tired of all the misconceptions surrounding this overrated day. And no, I'm not bitter because I'm alone blah blah blah, or anything like that. So don't bother going there.

It's just that Valentine's day is anything but romantic. Romance equals spontaneity. There is nothing spontaneous or romantic about feeling obligated to do something for your supposed "love". These flowers, these cards and these chocolates are not given out of sheer affection. They are given out of expectation; a way to feel like a duty was fulfilled. Well, I say it's all insincere, meaningless bullshit. And here's a question for you... If two people are so "in love", why do they celebrate it only once a year? I like to think that if I found the right person I would shower them with loving attention every chance I get. I would surprise her with an impromptu ticket to paradise. I'd bring her home or cook her dinner when she least expects it. I'd give her a small gift on June 3rd. You may be asking, "What's June 3rd?". My point exactly... Love isn't supposed to be on a schedule. It's supposed to be in the moment. But maybe I'm the only one who thinks that way...

Oh and just for the record, men don't particularly enjoy Valentine's Day. It's primarily for the woman's benefit. She gets to be wined and dined and showered with gifts. He gets... to pay for it. Oh sure, if a married man is lucky, he might get his yearly blowjob later on that night. And maybe even *GASP* sex after that! He can dream, can't he?

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Here are some random bonus observations regarding Valentine's Day:

• V-Day rhymes with "D-Day".
• The initials for Valentine's Day is 'VD'.
• It's exactly halfway through the shortest month of the year.
• That Cupid character is stupid. And 'Cupid' rhymes with 'stupid'. Coincidence??

Comic Of The Day

(click image to make larger)

Mix CD #18

Personal mix #18 goes like this:

• "Homme" - Brazilian Girls
• "Freedom Of Choice" - Devo
• "Cold Again" - Freedy Johnston
• "Have You Got It In You?" - Imogen Heap
• "Man In A Shed" - Nick Drake
• "Homesick" - The Vines
• "Curiosity" - Aaron Hall
• "Coconut" - Harry Nilsson
• "China Love" - Janet Jackson
• "Human Beings" - Seal
• "Disney Town" - Mono
• "Come On Closer" - Jem
• "Black Cow" - Steely Dan
• "Sirenes De La Fete" - Brazilian Girls
• "P.Y.T. (Pretty Young Thing)" - Michael Jackson
• "Everlasting Love" - Howard Jones

... Of the recent songs I've loved, one that sticks out as beyond excellent is Nick Drake's "Man In A Shed". The song alone has already inspired me to pick up the full album it's on, as well as quite possibly the rest of his library. Add Nick Drake to my lengthy list of favorite artists... In fact, let's also add Freedy Johnston... he's got some amazing stuff himself. Check them both out if you haven't yet.

Nothing But The Truth

If I were to ask you, "What time is it?", what would be your reply? If I asked you the current year, you'd no doubt be able to tell me.

...or would you?

In case you've never really thought much about it, nobody knows what time it really is. The system that tells us it's 2006... we made it up long ago. We've only created a way to keep track of time. A system in which to record the otherwise random events in everyday life. It's really no more complex than that. But more simply, we just don't know when time began.

When did it begin? How was Earth created? Where did animals come from? How did we get here? And when? What is our purpose? How long will we be here? Will our species have a chance to thrive? Are we alone in the universe? Is there a god? Or an afterlife? If so, what is it like? How long will we be there? ... So many questions, so much left unanswered.

People will believe anything. Somewhere out there is a made-up explanation for any question you might have. Yet still, regardless of whatever your belief system happens to be, there is only one pure truth when it comes to all of these questions. And that truth ... is that no one knows.

People will tell you all sorts of things; desperately persuading you to adopt certain beliefs. Yet, there are so many conflicting viewpoints in the world, how can we logically validate any of them? You may believe in a god; I may not. You may believe extra-terrestrials visit us often. I might see us as a gradual product of alien life. You see Earth as one of a kind. I see it as one of billions out there. The truth is that we are both neither right nor wrong. We are merely speculating. We're playing the universal game of Trivial Pursuit and arguing over our guesses... before the answer on the card is even read.

We don't know. And we likely never will. The best we can do is to think for ourselves and come to our own conclusions as to what makes the most sense... even if we don't all agree on certain details. And until we are serious about doing this, we will not prosper.


(Welcome to my thoughts. Make yourself comfortable.)