Tuesday, May 30, 2000
I'm going insane. I can't handle this anymore. All I can think about is how nice it would be if it all went away. And what can I do about it? There's only one way that I really can get away from it all. But I can't let myself do that. My mom said she'd "never forgive me" if I ever did something like that. I've tried to make things better, but I can't. At least, not by myself. I talked to another counselor, who helped a bit for the anxiety, but once again I couldn't tell her that depression was the main problem. I tried to tell my parents, but all they say is stuff like "oh, it's normal" and "everyone feels that way". Oh really? So everyone wants to die? News to me. What a great world that is. I don't want to have to deal with life anymore. It's too fucked up. I love my family. They're all I have. My friends all moved away, except for a couple. And of them, either I never see them, or they get on my nerves, and get off on making me look stupid. I don't need that. I would end the friendship, but I know I'm the only friend he'll probably ever have because he can be such an asshole. So I stick with it and try to tell myself I can deal with it. But one of these days, he's gonna cross the line and I'll be gone. Oh my things too...my family, and my things. That's my "life". I couldn't make it without.
Posted by Ryan at 9:24 PM
Wednesday, May 24, 2000
You know what? This is a bunch of shit. Why the hell do I have to be this way? Why do I have to hate life all the time? Why am I always alone? Why can't I ever find what I'm looking for? And even if I did, why would I still not be happy? Maybe I would. Why am I wasting my life? Why don't I know what I want? And how do I find out? Why am I broken? Why am I so fucked up? I'm never happy with anything. I'm afraid of everything. I can't have a relationship. Wouldn't know what to do with it even if I did. I can't believe any compliments I receive, even though I appreciate it. I'm "cute", I have a sexy voice, I'm funny and sweet......it's all bullshit to me, but at least the good kind. I just will not allow myself to think I'm good at anything. Or worth anything. Life is worthless. It really is. You're born, you live, you die. Simple as that. Some people take advantage of this fucked up existence, good for them. I'm glad. But some don't. I'm of course one of them. I don't know how to deal with life. I hate all the responsibilities, all the hassles, all the bullshit, all the assholes, all the pain....I could do without all of it. What's worth sticking around for? Love? Fuck love. That may be what I'm tired of most. All these people with their 'sweethearts' and their 'honeys' and their 'partners' and their 'significant others'. The guy who sings that song on the radio about how he loves his precious girlfriend. And the girl who's song follows about how she's in love with this guy. And the radio stations that play nothing but songs about love. I wonder how many songs there are out there that have 'love' in the title.......hmmmmmm.....I'm guessing more than five. I think I'll watch a movie instead. Oh wait, that's the same thing. You gotta have that happy ending where the characters fall in love and finally kiss in the end. Ahh that's so sweet. That's pretty convienient. Why can't someone write me a happy ending? I know, I'm supposed to do that myself. Well shit, I never was much of a writer, so I guess I'm screwed. It doesn't matter anyway though, because I don't care anymore. I'm gonna die alone, and I don't give a shit. In fact great! That just leaves more love for everyone else, right? And now I'm starting to cry. Fuck that too. I don't even cry much, only on those special occasions. Like when Hootie died. We went to the vet and had her put to sleep. I knew I had to be there, and I wanted to. She was my best friend her whole life, all 12 1/2 years. And she died in my arms. I lost it. I couldn't handle that. All those times she would curl up and sleep next to me. All the times she would close her eyes and purr when I pet her. All the times she drooled when she was so happy, and how soft her fur was........all those things died with her that day, and a part of me as well. She was so still....wasn't even breathing anymore. And I didn't want to ever let her go. But I had too. We placed her in the box. We put her favorite pillow in there for her to rest on. The drive back home was hard, even though it was short. She was sleeping so peacefully. I kept expecting her to wake up and start purring when I pet her, but she never did. She'd just lie still. When we went to bury her, my eyes started watering again. But it really hit me hard when I picked up the shovel. Somehow I got through it..
Posted by Ryan at 8:56 PM