Saturday, March 28, 2015
When I think long and hard about it, fear is the one constant through everything I struggle with. I'm just afraid of everything and everyone. It's always been this way, and it needs to stop. I can't live like this anymore.
I'm afraid that people won't like me. I'm afraid I'm really as insignificant and forgotten as I've always felt I am. I'm afraid that I'll finally get in the best shape of my life and they will still think I'm ugly and weak. I'm afraid I'll learn everything I've always wanted to know and they'll still think I'm stupid and lame. I'm afraid I'll never get to experience the things in life most people take for granted. I'm afraid my best will never be good enough for them, or worse, for me. I'm afraid of hurting people. And I'm afraid of continuing to let them hurt me because I think I somehow deserve it. I'm afraid of speaking up about things I care about because I will only be ridiculed, shamed, and repeatedly told how wrong I am. I'm afraid of letting the world know what I really am because it will isolate me even further... as if that could actually be possible at this point. I'm afraid to cry, because crying exposes how fragile and weak I am inside. I'm afraid of taking the needed steps to put myself in a much healthier environment, because I'm afraid it means leaving behind the people I care about. I'm afraid of the unknown future, and the past that only continues to haunt me. I'm afraid I don't have the ability to help people like I once thought I might. I'm afraid that some things were carved into my nature and I'll never be able to change them. I'm afraid that I'll finally be where everyone hopes to be, and I still won't be happy. I'm afraid of being laughed at... and endlessly teased... and silently tormented, forever. I'm afraid that these feelings will never go away.
I'm afraid this existence is only inevitable for me. I'm afraid I will always be like this.
There comes a time for everything.
Now, it's time to stop being afraid.
Friday, March 6, 2015
There's a side of me that proudly claims my space in existance. Here I am, World. Now deal with me. But there's another side of me that is, and always has been, defeated by this same world. I've always been well aware that on a cosmic scale I am nothing. And honestly, I'm okay with that. I really am. I never felt the need to be bigger than myself. I prefer to be just another cog in the machine. Many may hope to be the machine itself, but without the individual parts, the machine as a whole is worthless. Realizing this, every random cog inevitably becomes essential to its overall function. This, I think, is the formula of life as we know it. We all dream of being the machine. But in retrospect, all each of us should do is be the best damn cog we can be. That's the only way our whole world can flourish.
As much as we like to fantasize that we are unique, the bottom line is that we need each other.
Peace is essential.
Am I talking crazy? Probably. But where there is crazy, maybe there can also be hope.
We are so much better than the shit we are today.