Tuesday, December 1, 2009


Close your eyes. Think of someone close to you. Now imagine this person suddenly died today. How would you feel? How would it affect you? What are your regrets in your relationship to them? Try to convince yourself that they are really gone today. Immerse yourself in these thoughts.

Then, open your eyes. Realize that the person is still here among us. Realize that it is not too late to let them know how you truly feel. It is not too late to express your appreciation for their life.

Monday, November 23, 2009

Today's Thought

How saddening it is to know that it will take world-wide devastation for us to finally set aside our differences and work together.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Reflections In Time

In a casual conversation recently, my father had expressed a sense of guilt over the way he had handled certain things when I was a child. From bits and pieces of the conversation, I was able to extract the idea of being spanked for doing "bad" things - for example, accidentally spilling a drink, or not understanding what he was trying to say to me. I don't clearly remember these things. I don't even know if he is justified in feeling so guilty. I just have to assume a big part of it is an exaggerated, fatherly sense of protection.

If it's true that he really did punish me for common mistakes that every child makes, I don't blame him for anything. I never did. But after thinking about the things he mentioned after all these years, suddenly my life started making a bit more sense.

For as long as I can remember, I've been, in a sense, a perfectionist. Minor flaws upset me. Seemingly insignificant issues get under my skin. I let myself down every time I screw up; every time I don't know something; every time I make a mess; every time I show off my clumsiness to the world. I disappoint myself every time I think of the amazing people out there who have taken one life and done something to help this stunted world... knowing that there is no reason I shouldn't have done the same with my life. One person, no matter their origin, can truly make a difference in this world.

I am an extremely frustrated person. My frustration lies in my disappointment with the world around me. It mostly lies with myself. I feel responsible for each and every heinous aspect of this world. I could have done more to prevent it. I could have stepped up and done something about it. I know it sounds unreasonable, but I feel responsible for the world being as it is today.

This world is a sad place, so I try my hardest to look beyond it to the next. Our future is blurred, then clear, then blurred again.

My vision is not what it once was.

Friday, October 23, 2009

BJ Shea's 10th Anniversary Party

Ever since I moved to the Seattle area back in December of 2000, and checked out the local radio, I have been a fan of BJ Shea. His show - The BJ Shea Morning Experience on 99.9 KISW, the ROCK of Seattle - is the number one morning show in the Pacific Northwest.

BJ has been in Seattle for ten years now, and he and his crew threw a party at the Snoqualmie Casino to celebrate with friends and listeners. Dian and I had to check it out...

The Setting: Snoqualmie Casino Ballroom in Snoqualmie, Washington.

Getting ready for the party

Meeting The Rev (aka The Reverend En Fuego). His shirt cracked me up. It showed a midevil knight flipping someone off with the text, "Fuck Ye!", above.

With STP (aka Steve The Producer), a truly great guy.

Hangin' out

With Double R

Dian with Topshelf and 'Rock Girl' Katie

Bullshittin' with Toppy.

He was a really cool guy.

He received a gift from one of the listeners: Two copies of Mario Kart Wii. He had only wanted the two steering wheels for the game (one comes with each copy). So upon learning that we had also just bought a Wii, he made us a deal. He gave us one of the games and told us to go out and buy another steering wheel. He would do the same, and then we'd both have the game and two steering wheels. How awesome is that?!

Meeting one of my heroes, BJ Shea

He was one of the nicest guys you will ever meet.

Me, Toppy, Dian and Jared (a former member of the show)

Dian and I had a total blast. Not only did we get to hang out with the guys and meet them all, we also got to check out the fairly new Snoqualmie Casino, which we had never been to. We met some cool people, and even took home a free copy of Mario Kart Wii thanks to Toppy!

The BJ Morning Experience. A group of really great guys.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Never Too Late

Close your eyes.

Think of someone close to you.

Now, imagine this person suddenly died today.

How would you feel? How would it affect you? What are your regrets in your relationship with them?

Try to convince yourself that they are really gone today. Immerse yourself in these thoughts...


Open your eyes.

Realize that this person is still here among us. Realize that it's not too late to let them know how you truly feel. It's not too late for you to express your appreciation to them.

It's not too late.

What are you waiting for?

Thursday, October 15, 2009

In 3-D

Some of us can only see through a red lens. Some of us can only see through blue. When we learn to see through both, we will finally be able to view and understand our world in new dimensions.

Sunday, October 11, 2009

Walking Contradiction

On occasion, I feel like a walking contradiction.

I am an atheist who's intrigued by theology. The idea of time travel fascinates me, but I believe that time itself, as we know it, doesn't actually exist; it's merely a creation of man. I prefer hot weather to cold, regardless of my skin's reaction to too much sun. I throw with my right hand but kick with my left foot. I'm a peace-advocating person at war with the stupidity in the world. I have much to say, but trouble getting the right words out. I love animals, but I have no pets. I support animal rights, but I still crave meat.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

The Incomplete Ramblings of a Curious Being

I feel like my home is ablaze. I'm watching the fire swallow everything that I care about. The heat consumes the goodness underneath as smoke covers our future with a blanket of darkness. Is it at all coincidental that as I write this, rain begins to spill over me?

We are told we have freedom. We are told we have liberty. We are told that life is special; that we are each unique and important in this world. We are also told that God is alive and well, and he watches all that we do. He created us, He loves us, He is all forgiving, He is all knowing, all powerful... We are told to make love, not war. We are told that the true enemy is within.

Too many questions. No answers. Why do we go on believing the words of others while never questioning them? Why doesn't God show himself? Why won't he show me that he exists? He knows I am open-minded. He knows I would believe, and would become his most loyal supporter. Why would he deny me the love of a Christian years ago, which no doubt would have cemented my future as a Christian myself? Why does he claim to love me, but threaten to send me - his own child - to Hell... a place of eternal suffering and torture? And what does that say about him as a father?

None of this makes any sense to me. If he knows whether or not I truly believe, what is the point of going to church? If he already knows my thoughts and intentions, why pray? Do I expect him to alter his Divine Plan for me anyway? How arrogant of me... Why would he make my friends want to kill themselves? Why put them through that? His own children? In fact, why create misery or suffering or death or torture or pain in the first place? This is truly the most benevolent being in our universe? I don't get it.

Can someone please explain this to me?

Wednesday, September 16, 2009


I've always had this thought somewhere in the back of my mind. A premonition. There are far too many human buffoons on this planet; far too many morons walking around, oblivious to their environment, caring nothing for their surroundings or their fellow beings. There are far too many brainwashed, closed-minded, materialistic, selfish people.

At some point in the future - maybe soon, maybe not - Earth will find a way to rid itself of this problem. It should come in the form of "natural disaster", or may actually be merely the result of our arrogance and sense of entitlement that comes naturally to us as humans.

Thursday, August 27, 2009

Scorched Earth

Something to think about:

Having thousands of scattered organizations struggling to bring light to thousands of scattered issues in this world, is like spraying bullets toward your adversary, assuming a few of them will hit, and hoping some of those will possibly make an impact. It is relatively ineffective.

Now, imagine if we were to concentrate our collective firepower on one target simultaneously; if the benevolent organizations of the world joined forces - even if just for a moment - and supported the same particular cause. In no time at all, we would bring any injustice down. We would be unstoppable. The world would finally see some real positive change.

Are we still so archaic here in 2009 AD? Is it beyond our ability to actually work together for the good of mankind and our surroundings? Am I the only one who even cares anymore? Or are we merely that unorganized?

Monday, August 24, 2009


One of the biggest keys to life it seems, is achieving a delicately balanced polarity. This is the fine line between logic and happiness. It is balancing on this line that is the real challenge for me in life. It's difficult to stay positive in such a negative world. It's illogical to be happy with the world today, with so much injustice and misery surrounding us. Seeing the logical side of life - we are born, we live, we die... on a large enough scale, we are completely insignificant to the universe - does not bring happiness. This world is a walking hypocrisy. A double-edged sword. A conundrum.

Why is it that the smartest people I know have to struggle with depression? Why are the rest too often ignorant and/or naive? Is it fair that I see the so-called "happy" people out there as phony and insincere?

Can it ever be possible for one to be both happy and realistic?

Monday, June 22, 2009

Today's Thought

One more reason I don't believe most people are consistant in their religious beliefs:

In death, their loved ones would be welcomed to Heaven. This is the ultimate goal. Therefore, death would be celebrated. It would be a happy time for all who truly care about the one they lost. Yet, funerals are full of mourning and sadness. Tears flow regularly.

If people truly believed in Heaven, and that their loved ones end up there, they would not see death as such a sad event.

But they do.

And that is because they don't truly believe what they claim to believe.

Friday, May 22, 2009

The Contest

When I was in the second grade, I won a school-wide contest. Students submitted ideas for our school's new motto and logo. After the judges chose their favorite entry, I received the winning prizes: a t-shirt, a bumper sticker, and some other things I can't recall these twenty-odd years later. The most interesting thing about this whole experience for me is the fact that I could never remember actually entering the contest.

At the time, I remember telling my teacher, my parents, and others that the entry wasn't mine. None of them seemed to believe me, as if they assumed I was just trying to be modest and shy about winning. The logo on my new shirt was alien to me. The scribblings of a stranger.

Was this something I unwillingly stole from another? Was it merely a case of momentary memory loss? Or did it mark the beginning of what might become a string of random blackouts in my swiss cheesed brain?

Friday, May 15, 2009

External Hard Drive

We ordered a new external 1 TB hard drive today. (Iomega Prestige 1 TB)

Total cost: $114.74.

We plan to use it to organize and backup all of our files, including the music library and games, etc. Now, in case of a system failure, everything should still be alright.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009


I realize it's been far too long since I've written last. And when I actually have, it hasn't accurately reflected the events in my life that I should be noting. I often find myself writing when something is bothering me or gnawing at me from the inside-out.

When it comes to Dian, my life seems serene and beautiful. Since I've been with her, I've felt more at peace with myself and with my life in general. She and I were married on December 19th, 2008 - one day after her 30th birthday. We had planned it to be exactly on her birthday, but a snow storm decided against that. Still, we have an entire two-week, late December span to celebrate from now on. Her bithday, our anniversary, Christmas and New Year's... all within the same two weeks. I can't think of a better way to end our year, and begin the next, than celebrating all these things with her.

Dian is my rock; my inspiration. She's the bright light in my nocturnal world; my life raft in Waterworld. She is my one love in this existance. All cheesy analogies aside, she is everything that represents those things in this world worth saving.

What had been a huge missing piece in my life-long puzzle, has now been placed securely into the picture. And as my mind begins to wander into new teritorries here and there, just know that in the realm of relationships and romance, I couldn't be happier or more content.


late at night
a day-long fight
a world full of fear and fright
turn out the light
you think you might
trade in the wrong to find the right

close your eyes
cream blue skies
nobody hurts, nobody dies
we stop our fear, take back our lies
the Earth stands proud while evil cries

deep in dreams
so nice it seems
the sunshine hits like laser beams
the mountain rests, our ocean gleams
the human race at last redeems

your kind mind races
through peaceful places
young smiles cover happy faces
embracing love while hate erases
leaving misery... no traces

your eyes break free
quite suddenly
euphoria will quickly flee
is this how life was meant to be?
there's something wrong it seems to me
but as you rise, please realize imagination holds the key
we can do what we can see
and loving for eternity
hug a baby, plant a tree
swim with dolphins, open sea

a million dreams, a million days
to love life in a million ways

Wednesday, April 1, 2009


We stopped by Staples to grab a Swingline Precision Pro Desk... hole-puncher thingie. It cost us $13.13.

...And then the world rejoiced.

Monday, March 30, 2009

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

The Subway Challenge

I often torture myself with nagging little thoughts in the back of my mind.

The other day, my dad offered to buy the family sandwiches at Subway. He asked me what I wanted. Okay, simple enough right? As I contemplated my options and carefully weighed them against each other, I decided that I wanted a seafood and crab sandwich. Then as always, I began to second-guess myself and thought I might want a "Subway Club" instead. Conundrum.

After a few more minutes of this indecisive shit sloshing around in my brain, I decided to go with my first instinct (which is usually the best choice) and told Dad to just get me a seafood and crab. It sounded great, and since I hadn't had one in quite a while, it would be a nice change.

Here's what happened:

Dad went to the local Subway store, and ordered the first two sandwiches. As those two were being prepared, he ordered my sandwich - the seafood and crab. The teenagers behind the counter then informed him that they didn't actually have the seafood and crab anymore. My dad said "Shit!", blew up on them and stormed out of the store. After struggling through traffic, he made it to another Subway. This time, he asked the employees right away if they had the seafood and crab. They didn't. So he told them off as well, and left. Eventually, he decided to just stop at Safeway and get a couple of sandwiches there.

This is my inner conflict:

I believe that emotion is most often contagious. Positive or negative, it tends to have a pay-it-forward effect on those around you. By working around medical patients - many of whom are sick and forgoing medical frustrations - I know this well. I also recognize the validity of the Butterfly Effect theory. One seemingly insignificant action may possibly snowball into chaos. Lastly, I am well aware of my father's temper and deep seeded anger and frustration - especially when dealing with food, for some odd reason. I am also well aware that he never ceases to go out of his way to try and make me happy.

Because of these things, I should have known better. I should have been smarter. And looking back now, ordering the Club (or any other common sandwich for that matter) would have been the better way to go. This is why:

1) Dad would have saved himself the stress, frustration, time, and least of all, gas money, of going to multiple places.

2) Those poor teenagers would have been spared of having to endure his frustration, which in turn wouldn't have worsened their own days.

3) Dian wouldn't have witnessed the story of what happened, and therefore come to realize that her new father-in-law has that hidden potential to blow up on people; secretly wondering if I am, or will be, the same way.

4) I wouldn't feel so guilty for putting this upon everyone, even for making such a minor decision in the first place.

The fact remains: The choice of sandwich was never that big of a deal to me. I would have enjoyed a Club just as much as the seafood and crab. I made a choice. And because of that choice, more than four people (five including myself) were hurt in some way or another. I never wanted that to happen. So now I'll try to be more aware of how my actions can really affect other people.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Green Eyes

A thought just occurred to me:

Lately I've been feeling the urge to move back to my hometown, Moscow, and put my every "career" effort into helping, growing, and supporting the city's recycling center. I now have the seemingly unrealistic idea of helping to turn the entire city - through recycling and energy conservation, etc - into the nation's first entirely "green" city.

With one college within city limits, and others in surrounding cities, I think I could get many potential supporters - residential and commercial alike - excited for this idea.

The city's resources would be conserved much more. Energy costs would dramatically drop. City-wide "green" education would be fully encouraged and embraced. Waste would be minimized. The levels of inspiration and leadership among surrounding communities would be astounding. And tourism, yes tourism, would be way up, therefore increasing the city's economy ten fold, which would in turn bring steady support to local businesses and schools. These are all positive things for the city.

No matter how outlandish this endeavor may seem, I feel like I owe it to my home; to my country; to everyone who's ever seen something special hidden deep inside of me somewhere. I owe this to myself, to finally stop thinking so much about things and just start acting on them.

Friday, March 13, 2009

The Collector

It's interesting how certain things from your past helped shape you more than you often realize. I like to find things. I like to collect. I like to take things from where they don't belong, and recirculate them into the places they do.

From the time I was little, my family would go out along the edges of our city's golf course and search for lost golf balls. As simple of an activity as that may sound, I realize now that it was quite a productive hobby. It was exercise. It was entertaining; like a weekly easter egg hunt. It was time the family spent together. It saved my dad from having to spend money on new golf balls. And it made me a few extra bucks when I would sell the rest to random golfers.

It's been years now since we last went golf ball hunting. But some part of my brain still lights up on occasion the way it did when spotting a ball in the brush. It's the same feeling now when I see recyclable items (bottles, cans, etc) in a garbage can. That tells me something. Maybe it's a sign. Maybe it's the universe trying to tell me something.

With the mentality of knowing that every little bit helps in the end, I can't help feeling that there's so much I could do about all this unnecessary waste.

Monday, March 2, 2009

Today's Thought

If you are someone who sells pets to potential suitors; someone who profits from the sale of puppies, kittens, and animals of all kinds, then you are a heartless person in my eyes. I distinguish no difference between the selling of pets and the selling of human babies. Why is it considered so disgusting to sell a baby, while millions of baby animals are bought and sold every week?

Monday, January 26, 2009

Today's Thought

Regarding world-renowned cellist Yo-Yo Ma: I think it would be much more amusing if his name was Yo Ma-Ma.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

A New Hope

Finally, we have a new President. Finally, we can begin to fix the mess that the Bush Administration, fear-mongering republicans and other christian zealots alike, have created so quickly in the last few years. Finally we have the opportunity to stand up against these power-hungry fiends and let it be known that we've had quite enough of their shit.

Finally, we can make some goddamn progress in this country.

Friday, January 16, 2009

Evolution 2.0

I often find myself stranded in the frustrating void somewhere between aspiration and normality. A seemingly endless list of projects - minor to major - stretching over millenia, needing to be completed within the span of one insignificant little life. How frustrating it is when the utopian world I can so clearly envision in my mind routinely fails to come to fruition.

I can see the things that should be; the things that are but shouldn't. I can see the things that are there, but are not as efficient as they should be. I can see the things we could (and should) do without; the wastes. And I see the many things we need to finally let go of and move on from.

I see them all.