Saturday, December 31, 2005

2005 In Review

Posted Dec. 9th, 2004:

My pre-New Year's resolutions list is already blossoming into a full fledged assault. It seems each new day my mind thinks up one more way in which I need to improve. I guess that's just part of growing, and in a way I'm glad I do that. It keeps me always striving to be a better person, and not just a cornball jackoff all the time. Today's "note to self": be more confident. Maybe I could if I weren't so fucking stupid.

...I've also been selling a few things on ebay lately. This is all part of that "downsize my life" project that will carry over well into next year (one of the major resolutions). I will be more specific about my resolutions as they come up throughout the year, but for now I'll just give you a glimpse of what might be in store for me in 2005 (for those of you who actually care): much improved guitar skills, better upper-body build, permanently applied body ink, a surgery or two, confidence boosting mind-set, promiscuity, two+ vacations, more sleep, less worry, more blog posting :), more concerts, expanded music variety and library, improved intellect, make new friends, reconnect broken ties to certain things that made me happy as a kid, and most importantly...more fun!

Where to start? I have my ideas. In fact, many are already in the works. One more month left to go until it's time to show myself what I can do. 2005 will be mine... oh yes, it will be mine. *sadistic grin*


I find it interesting to look back one year, though it hardly seems that long ago. Let's see how I actually did this year...

  • Downsizing - I sold a few things I no longer need, and gave away others. My stack of posessions has shrunk a bit, but not near enough. Currently I have a couple different boxes of things I will be giving away, whether to Goodwill or people I know that can use them. This goal will remain in progress throughout 2006.
  • Guitar/Instrument skills - Although I don't feel I was able to practice near as much as I'd like to have, I did improve a bit on the guitar. Learned a few new songs and parts of others, and my fingers seem more comfortable on the frets now. And I will also mention that I've improved dramatically on the drums. Plus, I feel more comfortable singing now. I even tried karaoke one night this last year... something I never thought I'd be able to do.
  • Upper-body - Still working on this one. I slacked off quite a bit, although during this last week or so, I've been doing much better. This will also be one of my main focuses in '06.
  • Tattoo(s) - I did not end up getting a tattoo like I wanted. I would still like to get one (or three), but I've decided it's not a priority right now. So I'm pushing it back to a later time, when I get some more important things taken care of first.
  • Surgeries - Of the two proposed surgeries I had planned, I actually did go through with one of them (the vasectomy). The other - LASIK - will have to come at a later time; also a low-priority goal. And anyway, due to my large pupils, I have to wait a few years for the Wavefront laser technology to be more effective.
  • Confidence - Admitedly, it has been quite shaken recently. I'm still having many social issues, and I'm going to have to work extra hard just to get to the point others my age are already at. This one is a major struggle for me. Yet still, it's improving exponentially.
  • Women - 2005 brought me some positives - as well as negatives - in this area. I probably went on more dates this year than I have in my entire life combined. I've gained much more experience in many aspects. And although I dated/hung out with about five different women this year, nothing much really came of them for one reason or another. I've found myself to be very incompatible with the average woman, so it seems to be a matter of finding those rare chicks that I actually have something in common with. One positive note is that thanks to MySpace, I'm having much better luck now getting to know people and making some friends.
  • Vacations - I did not meet the goal of "two+ vacations". I did, however, get to go to Hawaii for the first time in February. And aside from the whole ER incident, it was a fun time. I also was able to escape to Idaho for a couple days in May which I thouroughly enjoyed. But I never made it to Vegas this year. Might not for awhile...
  • Sleep - I did make a conscious effort to get to bed earlier on weeknights, and I noticed a difference not just in my mood, but in my overall health. I will continue to apply this effort in the future.
  • Worrying - I also did finally learn to let go of many things that typically trouble me, and I learned not to care as much about other generally unimportant things. Obviously this works into these other goals as well...
  • Writing - I noticed that I had 100+ blogs this year, so I'm pretty happy about that. I didn't write everyday, but I feel like most of the major events worth talking about were recorded somewhere within these archives. I also feel like I've really been developing a style and vocabulary throughout the year. I now enjoy writing very much.
  • Concerts - I did well with this goal. I couldn't have asked for much more than I experienced. I was lucky enough to see three of my favorite artists/bands for the first time this year (two of them back-to-back). Early in the year, I got to check out Esthero in a small club... always wanted to see her. I also took in a couple different Beatles tribute bands, Rain (again) and The Fab Four. The concert year only got better in September, with Wayne and I getting to see Nine Inch Nails for the first time (our collective favorite). Then, just over a month later I went with my parents to see [Sir] Paul McCartney. Both concerts were unreal! I did also want to see - but had to pass up due to money issues - Coldplay in August and Fiona Apple in November. The funny thing about that is that they are now touring together and are returning in January, for which I already have my ticket. :)
  • Music - I have also discovered many new great songs and artists I had never before heard of. My mp3/CD collections are growing quickly and are both continuing to expand in broadness.
  • Intellect - I feel almost like a different person. That guy you knew before was T-model prototype Ryan. I am new and improved, with greater efficiency and a much faster processor. And I am fully functional... in multiple techniques. hehe Put more simply, I am evolving.
  • Childhood Ties - Giving in to the urge of nostalgia has been somewhat of a breakthrough for me this last year. I refused to apologize for my loyal TMNT upbringing. Bought a few DVD's of some 80's movies I loved as a child (Labyrinth, The Adventures Of Milo & Otis, etc...). Even devoting more time to the video games that practiacally rasied me needs to be mentioned. In games, I feel I have alienated a good friend as of late. They make me happy, so why not give them more attention? It makes sense.
  • Fun - Although I may have looked forward to certain kinds of events and activities to have taken place much more often this past year, I will not even begin to show any disappointment. I am happy about how 2005 turned out. I consider it to be my most productive year to date. Many random memories throughout the year will stick with me forever, as there were some wonderful times scattered around within it. No regrets...


Among the other things I haven't mentioned yet, I started a new job this year as well. The old one was slowly driving me insane, so I eventually quit and found one that's only a couple blocks away from my place. It's not just all that time I've saving... but gas money as well. :) In fact, I've even been working another job on the side. I help my dad on a few Sundays, doing some finish work and installing hardware packages in new housing developments. It's only for a few hours at a time but the pay is great (and under the table). So it's a great opportunity to throw that extra money directly into my Roth IRA account I started this year... one more thing I'm happy to have done.

Baby steps. I am honestly very proud of myself for sticking to many of these goals, and for doing my best to always keep them in the back of my mind when making everyday choices. As I mentioned before, I am already much more confident in myself and my future. And as I see it, it's all uphill from here...

Here's to a great 2006, everyone! :)

Friday, December 30, 2005

Vehemence (Chapter 1)

Lately I've begun to think I might be buy-sexual. I'm still not into dudes or anything, I just feel like I can't get laid unless I'm paying. The sad part is, I don't often get paid either. To get paid AND laid... how nice it must be to be rich.

Another thought occurred to me today. More of a question really...

You know when people have their stereos cranked for the whole neighborhood to hear? (sometimes from a home, but usually it's a car) I notice it quite often around here, and my question is this. Why don't they ever play anything good?? It seems to me if you're going to play something that loud, it might as well be something people actually enjoy. Then again, how loud does your stereo need to be in order to enjoy the music? Most of you already know me as the one who says "...and listen to it loud because it makes it even better.". I know how volume can increase the experience, but these people seem to surpass that level a hundred-fold. An $8,000 stereo system in a $400 piece of shit car... very impressive. And look at him, he knows how to press down really hard on the acceleration pedal. If I were a woman, I'd sure like to bear his children. These people are obviously mentally ill, and in my opinion, completely stupid. When I am to actually hear STP's "All In The Suit That You Wear" being broadcast from a convulsing '87 Toyota Tercel, I'll still think the guy is a fucking moron. But at least I'll know he has good taste.

And to the lady who leaves her shopping cart in the middle of a parking space... Lady, if I were a bird I would totally take a shit on your head, and then laugh at you for being stupid and covered in shit. I understand, you probably exhausted yourself by walking your 300-pound-ass through all of those Wal*Mart isles while having to simultaneously push a cart full of doritos, oreos, nacho chips, diapers, baby formula, frozen pizza, dog food, doughnuts, cereal, 48 rolls of toilet paper.... and a case of Diet Pepsi. Somehow, I'm sure you can't muster the energy to push the empty cart back to the "return cart here" lot 20 feet from your minivan. Don't worry about it. Just leave it in the open lot adjacent to your vehicle. It's certainly none of your concern. Who cares if it knicks up someone else's car, not your problem. (By the way, you are a stupid lazy bitch with a big fat ass... and you should NOT be breeding).

I guess it's true what they say... you shouldn't bottle your feelings inside. I actually do feel a little bit better already. And I have plenty more to add of course, but I'm not in the mood right now. I'm going to get ready and hit the town tonight. Not sure where, but it's Friday night and I want to do something, so I'll catch you all later.

P.S. Oh and by the way, the other night I sat down and wrote out some lyrics for a tune that's been playing in my head. I guess that means I may have actually written a song. More on that later...

Sunday, December 18, 2005

Short Takes (# 3)

Among those even remotely close to me, it is well known that my mind can wander. With what seems like so many different things going on recently, I've decided to write another exclusive, award-winning "Short Takes" exposition.

  • Last night - and continuing today - we are experiencing a nasty wind storm. It's nothing compared to the one we had this time a couple years back, but it still sucks. I had to cut my Saturday night short because it wasn't even worth going out in it. And I had a strong feeling that we'd be losing power momentarily, because we always seem to (lots of trees around that love to fall onto power lines). I ended up playing my guitar for an hour or so before going right to bed at about 11:00pm. ...... On the bright side, I got plenty of sleep.... and the power still has yet to go out. That honestly surprises the sweet shit out of me.
  • We went up to Everett again - as we usually do on Saturdays - to jam and record some takes. We actually have been recording some of the songs the last few times, but we're still working on trying to get a much better mix. So yesterday we spent an hour or two just testing out each instrument and mic, making sure the levels are where we want them for the best mix. We're getting much much closer now and I'm hoping some of the songs last night turned out pretty well. If they did, I could always send them to some of you who are interested and/or curious. More on that later...
  • Later today I'm still planning on trying to get my Christmas shopping started and finished. I'm kind of lucky in the sense that I'm only buying for three people this year. It's not that I don't want to buy more or don't recognize many others I should be buying for... it's the combination of money and time that keep me from fulfilling my obligations this time around. For those of you who don't get anything from me, don't look too much into it. I still hope you all have an amazing holiday season, and I'm thinking of you. And perhaps I'll be making up for it soon...
  • On our way home last night in Bellevue (on southbound I-405), we passed about six police cars and an ambulance sitting in the northbound-side, as well as two more cop cars on the overpass above. I asked my dad something like "What the hell's going on here?". Neither of us obviously knew. After returning home and calling my parents to ask if the wind was picking up for them too, my dad told me he saw on the local news that a 27-year-old woman had jumped off the overpass onto the freeway below, where she was hit by a car (likely at a speed of 70+ mph) which did not stop after hitting her. Police apparantly are still looking for the car. It's weird to think that had happened just hours after we had gone northbound in those very lanes. ... And in looking for more information/details just now about the incident, I read a story about a murder/suicide here in Covington a few days ago. It seems a huband apparantly killed his wife, then got out on Highway 18 and intentionally turned into on-coming traffic into an eighteen-wheeler... killing himself instantly with a suicide note in the car with him. ...... 'Tis the season to be merry. A magical time of year indeed.
  • But I am feeling better lately. I got paid on Friday and was able to pay off a couple bills that were nagging me. It turns out my medical bills are going to cost me about $450... much less than the $700+ I was expecting, so I suppose in a weird way I'm happy about that. I haven't been going out much at all, and I've been cleaning and trying to take care of some other stuff that I've been putting off instead. I'm getting more and more ready to start a new year with many of my goals realized from this last one.

"We've only just begun..."

Thursday, December 15, 2005

The Mark

.... So now I'm all wondering if my soft taco was possessed. Did I eat a demonic, yet delicious, lunch today? I'm hoping I won't be spewing out green shit while my head does 360's tonight. Well, at least Satan was surprisingly good good fresh fresh. Plus he came with a coke, so that's nice. But then again, I'm pretty sure there was no demon spawn in my soft taco today... I had them hold the tomato.

Anyway, I guess my real point was just to warn you all that my soft taco combo meal today may have marked the beginning of the End. Just a heads up...

Oh, and that ranch that they have is yummy.

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

SW55T 4R51MS # 3

For those of you who haven't seen this pic yet, this is from my recent Vegas trip with my buds from Colorado. As some of you already know, this picture was taken by Stan. I was so wasted I don't even remember getting up on that vehicle. hehe But I do remember that Kyle was inside at that moment trying to pull Eric away from the pie at the buffet table. And if I remember correctly, some bastards in a cab had run over Kenny earlier that night...

Monday, December 12, 2005

Filmosophy (Vol 3)


"You know, the Greeks didn't write obituaries. They only asked one question after a man died......... 'Did he have passion?'."

X2: X-Men United:

"Never trust a beautiful woman... especially one who's interested in you."

Star Wars - Episode III: Revenge Of The Sith:

"Good is a point of view."

City Slickers:

"Women need a reason to have sex... men just need a place."

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles:

"Anger clouds the mind. Turned inward, it is an unconquerable enemy."

Sunday, December 11, 2005

Tired (Part 2)

we've been together for so long
yet still we're so apart
these four long years of arguing
have drained and dried my heart

i've tried to be the man you need
until we are to fall
but in your eyes it is quite clear
i'm not a man at all

our outlooks are so different
our stubbornness the same
the times we clashed and wouldn't speak
so many i could name

now it seems we're well on route
to end this thing we share
i wish i knew the reason why
you just don't seem to care

i have to say i will miss you
you've been my only one
and "one" refers to girlfriend
but now that's said and done

from here on out i do not know
what destiny will bring
i only know that time will tell
...good luck with everything

Saturday, December 10, 2005


Among the things I've been called, labeled or referred to as recently (by a few different people):

"such a girl", "jackass", "silly little boy", "dummy", "wuss", "loser", "a boy", "dork", "chick", "immature", "retarded", "unable to listen", "stupid", "so weird", "uneducated", "emotionally absent", "fashion-challenged", "self-centered", "slow", "freak"....

I'm sure there are more, I'm just not in the mood right now to think of them all. In fact I'm not in much of a mood for anything. I'm just tired. Tired of people. Tired of being their doormat. Tired of being a tool for these fucks to feel better about themselves for degrading. And I'm tired of even talking to these people.

Something I'm not sure if the people who know me best even know... I'm not afraid of being on my own at all. I have been for what seems my entire life, so in a way it's what I'm most used to. It's my comfort zone. I knew early on I would never have a conventional life. It's not who I am, and it's not for me. And if I ever did believe in any kind of destiny or fate, I was meant to merely observe, not to take part in.

I've often thought of myself as ahead of the average person in wisdom by ten years. But I'm behind them by ten years socially. This means I am where a sixteen-year-old would be. And the scary part is that's exactly how I feel. I'm just starting to figure women out, and how to deal with them. How to treat them, what they're really looking for, why they say one thing and do another, what their bodies say when their mouths won't, etc. It is now apparant that women are the most cryptic creatures on the planet, and trying to study and memorize every code is getting quite tiresome. I'm getting to the point where I don't even feel like trying anymore. It doesn't seem to be worth it. Maybe I'll have better luck in four more years when I have the skill of a 20-year-old...

Tuesday, December 6, 2005


Here comes the cold... A feeling of anticipation creeps in. With nothing immediate to look forward to, I'm excited about the distant future.

If you had to die a thousand deaths along the road to Heaven, would you still want to go?? Would all that pain be worth the eventual bliss? If you did go through with it, would you choose to remember the journey? Would you sleepwalk through and skip right to the good part, only to disregard the obstacles you have just overcome? Or would you try to find an easier way through? Perhaps take the long and dangerous way around? Would you simply take your chances heading in a different direction altogether? ...

Although I already have my answers, I will not be sharing them here. They are simply irrelevant to all of yours...


Currently I seem to be caught in the sea of life. Making my way slowly to the beautiful land I see ahead, struggling to break free of the tide that tugs me back to the past. My newest revelation is that I am winning this tug-of-war. It may take me longer than others, but I'm not going to give up that easily. Is that the best you can do, Life?

I find it interesting how much I am able to change certain aspects of my life when I want to. We all have this ability, but I rarely see it in effect it seems. Am I so far behind everyone that this is ancient news? Or am I somehow far ahead of the curve.... perhaps making up for my extreme lack of skills in the social world? For the first time in a long while, I'm excited to improve those things I never liked about myself. A long list maybe, but it's getting shorter by the hour.

I suppose in a way, this all reminds me of a Ninja Turtles video game. Don't laugh. Let me explain...

In many games, you have different characters to choose from... giving you different skills and qualities to approach the game itself with. In the TMNT arcade game for instance, deciding which turtle to play as can be a struggle in and of itself. You who have played it know this...

You have Raphael, who is the fastest character in the game. His "special" move is a roll-kick... completely unique to the other three turtles who have a "jump-slash" technique. But Raph's weapons also have the shortest reach, meaning you have to get closer to the enemies to be effective.

Then you have Donatello, who has a powerful weapon with the longest reach. He can bash foot soldiers from a few feet away. But he's the slowest turtle in the game.

Michelangelo has the most powerful weapons (with medium reach). But he too is slow, second only to Don. And that brings us to Leo, and my real point of all of this...

Leonardo is the all-around "go-to" guy. He's not the fastest, but he's not the slowest either. His weapons aren't the strongest, but they're not weak. It's the fact that he really has no obvious weakness that makes him the strongest in my mind. This is why I often find myself choosing him.

And I think of people this way. As if we are all in the "create-a-player" mode of a video game. We have a certain number of points to distribute to different areas of our lives. Just as some of us may be strong in good looks, others may be strong in intelligence. And I like to think we all began with the same amount of points. Perhaps figuring out where our own points were applied is something we need to learn for ourselves...

Well, I choose to be like Leo. I know there are ways in which I'm much more advanced than others, just as there are ways I'm far behind. But it's this mentality that allows me to distinguish the strengths from the weaknesses, and motivates me to do something about it. The only difference is, I'm refusing to sacrifice the points from my strengths. This means I have to create new points for myself to apply to the weaker parts of my character. And that's what I've been working on insistantly this past year or so. Eliminating and/or fixing- one at a time - those things that taunt me when I look in the mirror. I believe it can be done, and I'll find out how.

I feel like I'm still growing, yet everyone else has stopped and is just getting older.

Sunday, December 4, 2005

Mix CD #16

Here's mix #16 (in order):
  • "One Angry Dwarf And 200 Solemn Faces" - Ben Folds Five
  • "Struggle" - Ringside
  • "Jenny Wren" - Paul McCartney
  • "Long Walk Back" - Danny Wilde & The Rembrandts
  • "Fascination" - Meteor Seven
  • "Making Plans For Nigel" - XTC
  • "Young Nation" - Aaliyah
  • "Dark Street" - Fastball
  • "The Hand That Feeds (Straight Mix) - Nine Inch Nails
  • "Steppin' Out" - Joe Jackson
  • "We Drink On The Job" - Earlimart
  • "The Face I Love" - Astrud Gilberto
  • "Mais Feliz" - Bebel Gilberto
  • "All The Way Up To Heaven" - Guster
  • "It's A Shame" - Paul Jackson, Jr.
  • "Sleigh Ride" - Arthur Fiedler & Boston Pops Orchestra

I've been on a real music kick lately, so a couple tracks are already set aside for the next mix. Number #17 coming soon...

Saturday, December 3, 2005

Why I love TNG

Confused by the obvious flirting of a fellow female crewmember, Data proceeds to ask his other colleagues for advice...


[Data] "Captain. I am seeking advice in how to -"

[Picard] "Yes, I've heard Data. I will be delighted to offer any advice I can on understanding women. When I have some, I'll let you know." *Picard then turns and walks away*

Thursday, December 1, 2005

Today's Delivery ...... Again.

Another couple days, another package arrives from Amazon. It's kind of a nice feeling to get a lot of mail for a change. Sorta gives me this fake stature of importance, and I have to admit, I enjoy that feeling. And for all you bastards who read this and wonder why I've been complaining about being broke lately, well...... go blow yourselves. I'm not here to make sense. Chinese penis tarter sauce. And some gravy.... gotta have gravy.

So anyway, here's what showed up today:

  • TRY! - The debut album by the John Mayer Trio. It's got some great stuff and I'm really digging it. I recommend checking out the track 'Who Did You Think I Was?' if you're down for a bit of an introduction.
  • Simple Things - An amazing album by Zero 7, and my first. This is the album that has on it 'Destiny', 'Red Dust', 'Likufanele' and 'In The Waiting Line'. If you haven't heard 'In The Waiting Line' yet, go see Garden State. (It is heard during the party scene). No, really. See it right now! .... Again.