Wednesday, April 26, 2006

Dear Liz,

You are an incredible person. For the past few years, I've known you only through your brother. All that changed not more than two weeks ago, when you and I shared a Sunday night. No one else. Just you and me at that infamous bar. We drank...... a lot. We talked even more. You told me your secrets and I shared my raw feelings with you. We laughed and joked. We ate those free hot wings they gave us. We went over our plans to be roommates in August. You told me how excited you were, but also how scary it all was. I understood and comforted you the best way I could. I even held your hand as you cried. And I assurred you I will do everything I can to make August a new beginning. Then I hugged you...

Throughout the night, I came to realize how brilliant you truly are. Unlike any other girl I've known. And hilarious as well (when you want to be). I told you how much you reminded me of your brother. You considered that to be the best compliment anyone has ever given you. But I was just being honest... you do remind me so much of him. It's in the way you talk, the way you articulate, and how you express your frustration with the world. It's even in your sharp wit and pessimism. But it's funny how I've never noticed that amazing smile before... perhaps you don't do it often enough.

On our way home, we sang along to some great jazz, each impressed that the other knew the songs. And as I crashed at your place, in your brother's old room, you talked a bit more with me. We soon said our goodnights, and I told you, "come here". And as I hugged you again - this time for much longer - I whispered into your ear, "everything is going to be alright". When we finally let go of each other, I said to you, "You take care of yourself, alright?". It was a night that will stick with me forever. And I've been very much looking forward to us becoming close friends, as well as roommates in the very near future.

Today, your brother called me to tell me the news. It seems they found you in a hotel room this morning somewhere in Spokane. You killed yourself last night...

I feel lost right now. In fact, at this very moment everything seems surreal to me. It hasn't quite hit me yet, but I know it soon will in force. There's so much I want to say, but no words escape my mouth. Your brother and I are completely devastated, as I told you we would be if this were to ever happen. But he has his own stuff to tell you, so I'll only speak as myself....

I will miss you. More than you know. And I consider myself incredibly lucky to have known you, even if just for a short while. You were amazing, beautiful, unique and funny. I consider you a great friend, and special to me in many ways. Lately, I've even begun to think of you as somewhat of the sister I've never had. I took it upon myself to help your brother look out for you. And exactly that, I was going to do. I know we were going to be the best of friends. I just know it... But now you're gone. And all we have left is the memory of that special night.

Thanks for everything... for letting me know you.

I love you.

I love you and I will never fucking forget you. This I promise...

Your friend,

Sunday, April 23, 2006

Mix CD # 20

It's that time again. I actually burned this one before going on my trip to Idaho. I just never got around to posting the official claim. Here's number twenty:
  • "Dreadlock Holiday" - 10cc
  • "Black Betty" - Ram Jam
  • "Night By Night" - Steely Dan
  • "I Love You" - Esthero
  • "Pineapple Head" - Crowded House
  • "Romeo (Acoustic Mix)" - Basement Jaxx
  • "Gotta Be Movin On Up" - Prince Be & Ky-Mani
  • "Not The Same" - Ben Folds
  • "Just A Little Bit" - Steve Miller
  • "Breakdown" - Jack Johnson
  • "Only In Dreams" - Weezer
  • "Cherry Lips (Go Baby Go!)" - Garbage
  • "Sexy M.F." - Prince
  • "Riviera Paradise" - Stevie Ray Vaughan & Double Trouble
  • [Hidden Track] (from the album 'Purple') - Stone Temple Pilots

Sometime's there's so much music in the world... I feel like I can't take it. A lot of great stuff out there, both new and old. It may sometimes be tough to find, but it's there. And if you deny this, perhaps you aren't into music as much as you thought you were.

Look closer...

Saturday, April 22, 2006

Quote Of The Day

"I am the world's worst dancer... I'm a guy who goes out to the club every once in awhile, and the girls come up to me and go, 'Are you okay?'."

--- John Mayer (in 2003)

Friday, April 21, 2006

I Have Some Good News...

I went out tonight again fresh off my $214 in pull-tab winnings last night, and decided to play some more tonight. I spent $10. I won $505!! My IRA is looking pretty fucking good all of a sudden. And my wallet is thick as hell too. And that's not just because of the condoms I keep in there and never get to use...

P.S. .... And I just saved a bunch of money by switching to Geico.

Thursday, April 20, 2006

Erratic Thought Of The Day

Went out tonight. Decided to play some pull-tabs. I won $214! That was kinda koo. So I bought one of the locals another drink when he came in. And I tipped the bartender chick $20. I see her in there all the time. Helps to secure my place as a good patron. Trip went very well. My parents are all moved in. It was nice to make it back to Idaho again. I was able to sneak off for a couple nights. Met up and had some drinks with my cousin Sylina, whom I hadn't seen in about six years. Then hung out and stayed over at my good friend Brandon's place. The next night, I spent with another friend, Liz. We honestly haven't had much of a chance to know each other before that night, but we spent many hours talking about everything. And I had a great time! I now consider her a close friend. I helped my parents for a good three days. They gave me $400 for helping them, before I flew back home. I told them I couldn't accept it, but they insisted. It only enforces my previous belief that I'm lucky enough to have the greatest parents in the world. And I'm going to invest $300 of it in my roth IRA. The other $100 will go to my everyday checking account. Plus, I'm going to deposit my other $100 + from tonight (after paying off my tab). I'll do that tomorrow and see where my checking balance is. I wonder if people even care. Why would they? Oh well. I'm still kinda buzzed. Those new "snack wraps" at McD's are pretty koo. I dig them. But I'm also trying to tone it down as far as how much I eat. Did 100 pushups earlier tonight, aside from the rest of my routine. It burns my fucking chest. I consider that a good thing. And I plan to keep it up every night. We'll see how that goes. I'm hoping to get some stuff planned with friends later this week too. Good times. It's kinda nice to have a less hectic schedule for a change. So I'm looking forward to that. But still, I have worries about a couple of my friends in particular... they are having difficult times, and I hope nothing but the best for them. It's somewhat frustrating to know there's not much I can do to help... I should go to bed now.

I sooooo apologize for this blog. And just think, at one point you actually thought I was somewhat interesting...

Sunday, April 9, 2006

Thought Of The Day

Only a fool will believe any one thing so much so, that they then deny any other possibility.

Friday, April 7, 2006

A Little Bit Lost

i know this girl
she's a little bit lost
she doesn't see herself as the rest of the world does
and she thinks she's not good enough
if she only knew the truth
she would realize how smart she is
smarter than me, in fact
and so amazing, she has it all
most girls would love to be her
but her blanket of sadness wraps her too tightly
and it's a real shame
but what she doesn't know
is that she can change it all if she wants
she only has to let go of the blanket
and i hope she does

i know this guy
he's a little bit lost
his dreams are precise; his direction skewed
so much ambition for so little effort
his frustration too often pierces through
yet still his potential shines on into the night
never have i seen such brilliance on a personal level
such an imagination, such passion
if only he believed in him like i do
he might finally see that he's the lucky one
he knows what fuels him, what drives him
the journey ahead could bring him everything he desires
if he wants it badly enough
and i hope he does

i know this girl
she's a little bit lost
she's convinced she's destined to live alone
under thirty, but too old to find a good husband
i can't see the ugliness she insists she lives inside
i could tell her she's mistaken... it's beauty
but she would never believe me
i can see the thoughts of a highly complex mind
and hers blows my mind away
how interesting she can be at times; she intrigues me
if only she could see her as i do
she would know that she has so much going for her
and that it's never too late to find happiness
i hope she finds hers soon

there is this guy
who's a little bit lost
he's often too hard on himself
people tell him how special he is
but he finds it difficult to see what they see
he often overlooks the positive things in his life
instead focusing on every flaw and weakness
not resting until each is found and repaired
he thinks this will help him become good enough
to finally walk in the beautiful light
where the beautiful ones live out their beautiful lives
where happiness is tangible
if only he could see him like the others do
he would know how truly lucky he is
and someday, i hope he does

there is this girl
she's a little bit lost
frustrated and haunted by the past
she sees herself as merely a burden
a waste of somebody else's air
but she doesn't see the beauty and youth i see in her
the energy and sincerity that only come along every blue moon
if only she could know her as i do
never have i known a being so benevolent
it's really quite astounding
she could get any guy she wants
if only she gave herself a chance
and i hope she does

so here we are...
we're a little bit lost
if only we could see ourselves a bit differently
we'd soon realize the truth
we are the beautiful ones living the beautiful lives
it's just that some of us are good at hiding

Wednesday, April 5, 2006

Third Time's A Charm

Most of you know by now that I've been sick since last Wednesday. I've been battling a nasty cough and heavy sinus congestion. On Saturday it started to ease off, and by Monday it was limited to sniffles and a light cough. However, last night at about 10pm, my cough suddenly got much worse and my chest began building up pressure; feeling as if it were slowly caving in. I knew I had fluid in my lungs. Time to see a doctor...

As you also may know, earlier yesterday I had scheduled a doctor appointment for this morning and had planned to get checked out then. That never happened. Let me tell you what did...

I got ready for bed, figuring I should just get plenty of rest and make a priority of showing up for my appointment in the morning. Unable to fall asleep, I soon began second guessing myself, as I routinely do. Knowing that respiratory issues are not something you want to ignore, I opted to give my mom a call (she works in the medical field and knows quite a bit about all kinds of medical issues). By this time it was about midnight, so I felt bad for waking my parents up. I told her the situation, and she recommended that I go in to get it checked out as soon as possible. I told her I could go to the urgent care department in the building I work at (which is two blocks away). And since she wouldn't be able to sleep after that anyway (she worries), she said she'd meet me down there.

So I drive over there and park. Then, I find out that the urgent care is closed. I had been under the impression that it was open almost every night. Apparantly not. So I stand outside by my car waiting for my mom to arrive, while feeling like a complete idiot for having her come out there when it's closed.

She arrives, I tell her it's closed, and we decide to go to Auburn since they have a hospital there. So for the third time in just over a year, I ended up in the ER...

I filled out my paperwork, got admitted (at about 12:40A), and was escorted to a room by one of the nurses, told to take off my shirt and put on the gown, and that they'll be with me soon, etc. Four minutes later, another nurse peeks her head in the door, gives me the trademark ID bracelet, and then leaves. So there I am, in room #12, sitting on the side of the bed and waiting. A mostly empty room, aside from a bit of the generic medical equipment you'd expect to see in any hospital. There were three magazines on the counter. One of them, devoted to vacations, only reminded me of my last vacation in Maui... where I ended up in the ER. The other two were different issues of Better Investing, which I found pretty fucking ironic in itself considering how rediculously high hospital bills are in this country. At least I have good insurance, otherwise I'd be really fucked.

Anyway, so I'm waiting in the room alone for over an hour! No exaggeration... And still, nobody has even checked on me to see if I'm okay. So I walked out into the hallway, with my gown falling half-off my body, trying to get the attention of the two nurses I saw out there (Whom, by the way, had been chatting, giggling and drinking coffee). When they noticed me standing there I said, while pointing to the room door, "Excuse me, I think somebody forgot about me." They both checked something (a priority list or something) and told me I was next in line to be seen. So I went back into my room and sat down... hoping to god they're not charging me by the minute.

So to skip ahead and tell you the rest of the important stuff, the doctor was a really nice guy. He knew exactly what was going on. He said I have Bronchitis, but luckily it's still in the early stage and is easily treatable. He wrote me a couple prescpriptions for some stuff to take, and I went and stayed the night at my parents' place. They didn't want me to be alone just in case there were problems... So I left a message with my boss at 3am, telling her the basics, and that I won't be in today, etc.

The Bottom Line:

I have the day off and am resting. The doctor said I should be feeling much better by Friday. And I should be back to my usual self by Saturday. We'll see...