Wednesday, August 31, 2005
Earlier today, I did something I've never gotten around to doing before. I went and set up a portfolio with an investment firm. I figure now is the time to start building some investments for the future, just in case I actually do live that long. You never know. I've been putting it off all this time; but no longer. Having gone into this week with practically no knowledge whatsoever of investing and accounts, I've learned quite a bit these last couple days. 401's, 403's, IRA's, Roth's, etc... It all was confusing as hell to me, but now I seem to be getting the grasp of it. So now I have a temporary IRA, which will soon be transfered to a Roth account as soon as it clears from my previous employer. Plus, I'll have my other retirement account with my new employer as soon as I start (which should be very soon). To make a long story shorter... now I'll finally be able to start saving some money up for the years to come. I plan to live well.
Also, I posted about eight things on ebay today. lol I've been in the continuous process of downsizing my possesions, downsizing my needs, downsizing my life. I seek a more Jedi-like existance. But obviously, I'll be keeping the stuff I actually use... like my computer. lol I mean, I'm not crazy!
Saturday, August 27, 2005
I just can't describe how funny this world works sometimes. I went out tonight. Not to Jen's as usual. I went out to the bars (barS... as in, plural). Were there chicks around? Yes, of course there were. It's the first Friday I've gone out in a LONG time! In fact, I've almost forgotten what it's like...
Now you may be thinking "where is he going with this?". Well, let me tell you. I went out, and hardly talked to a soul. From around 8p to 2a... I hardly talked to anyone. I was just at the bar, downing one Bacardi & Coke after another. I believe I ended up having seven of them tonight (two of them being Bacardi on the rocks). Seven drinks, and still not a word to any females.
Enter the funny part.
I wasn't that interested in ANY of the women I saw tonight. Sure, some of them were hot. Sure, some of them had great bodies. Sure, I would probably find most of them absolutely awesome if I talked a while with them. But I didn't really care at all. Let them flirt with their hot guy friends. I don't give a shit anymore. It's not worth it.
So here I am, home alone once again... and drunk. Now, most of you know by now that I believe people's true feelings leak out when they've been drinking. I am not an exception.
I feel like the possibility is there. The reason I don't care. Could it be? The reason I don't care is because I may have already found my other half? The missing cornerstone of my existance? I can't help but wonder about this. Do I already know her? What if I don't treat her correctly?? Knowing how horrid I am dealing with women, it scares me to think how easily I might drive her away before realizing the truth here. How devastating it would be...
Tonight, all I thought about, was her... and how much I wish she would have been there with me.
If only the world was fair...
Wednesday, August 24, 2005
It was a lot of fun. Sheryl, Kay, Victor, Maggie, and Erica all showed up. Geoff and Amber also did, freshly tan from their enjoyable honeymoon in Mazatlan, Mexico. I ended up having a California Chicken Quesadilla (of course) which was awesome! I also downed four Jack [Daniel's] & Cokes. For some reason, I get the impression that Sheryl (my former clinic supervisor) is interested in going out with me sometime, for drinks or whatever. I find that interesting because I've always considered the idea as well, but obviously never acted on it because of my "no dating co-workers" preference. Needless to say, we're not co-workers anymore. She hugged me as she was leaving and hinted that we should get together again sometime...
So as we all left, Erica gave me this blue foam toy lightsaber that makes all the appropriate buzzings a real lightsaber would. The down side... It looks like I'm swinging around a huge blue dildo. Nevertheless, it's fun to play with. ................. (the lightsaber) . So right now, it's in the trunk of my car.
Later in the night, I played the guitar a bit. I've been working a bit on some different stuff. I can now play Mayer's "Tracing", a few Beatles songs like "Norwegian Wood", etc... the basic chords to "Hotel California", and even part of the acoustic solo to it. I'm getting much better now.
Afterwards, I went out to a bar in the area. Had two more Jack & Cokes. Nobody talked to me as usual, so I played some songs on the jukebox. My selections:
- "The Wind Cries Mary" - (Jimi Hendrix)
- "Welcome Home (Sanitarium)" - (Metallica)
- "Humans Being" - (Van Halen)
- "Street Spirit (Fade Out)" - (Radiohead)
- ............ yeah, and I don't even remember the other one. I suck.
So here I am; slightly buzzed and realizing it has been too long since I poured myself onto the screen. Oh, and by the way, on Monday I accepted the new job over the phone. Yesterday, I had to drive down near Tacoma to take a drug test and fill out some paperwork. They're just making sure I'm not a crack-addicted terrorist convict or something. I'm hoping the pee turns out clean.
(Tip: When taking a drug test, don't pee right into the face of the lab assistant. They don't like that.)
Thursday, August 18, 2005
Tuesday, August 16, 2005
Today I went to renew my driver's liscense. (Tip: Go to the smallest town around that's big enough to still have a licensing department. There will hardly be a line.) I tried to do it yesterday, but after driving all the way down there, I found that they're closed on Mondays. So today I'm there and I go to pay... no cards accepted! Since I don't usually carry much cash around, I had to leave and find an ATM (which luckily was next door). They only accept cash and checks... who the fuck writes checks anymore anyway? Outside of maybe a rent payment or a money gift in a card, I consider checks to be obsolete in this credit/debit card world. Give it five or so more years, and you probably won't even see much cash anymore. Cards will be the standard currency. Quote me on that if you like...
So after the license thing, I decided to go out to the pawn shop since I haven't been there in quite awhile. I found a copy of Home Alone 2: Lost in New York on DVD that I wanted to pick up - always loved those movies - but since I found so many great CD's to choose from, I put it back this time. Actually, I held off on a number of the CD's I wanted to pick up as well, for money reasons. I'm hoping they'll still be there next time I go.
Anyway, the albums I did grab (in no order):
- "Tidal" - Fiona Apple
- "Let's Face It" - The Mighty Mighty Bosstones
- "Stunt" - Barenaked Ladies
- "Pyromania" - Def Leppard
- "New Beginning" - SWV
- "Finally Woken" - Jem
- "Deep Forest" - Deep Forest
- "Musical Chairs" - Hootie & The Blowfish
- "Aaliyah" - Aaliyah
- "Monster" - R.E.M.
- "Invincible" - Michael Jackson
- "18" - Moby
- "Release Some Tension" - SWV
- "Tanto Tempo" - Bebel Gilberto
- "Slicker Than Your Average" - Craig David
- "Seal" - Seal
- "Fairweather Johnson" - Hootie & The Blowfish
- "Bringing Down The Horse" - The Wallflowers
Thursday, August 11, 2005
Geoff and I have both been calling up these people trying to find out why we're being raped over this, and nobody really wants to talk to us about it. They either refer us to someone else or listen to us, not really believing anything we say. It's an incredibly frustrating situation, especially since we have no say in anything. If we don't pay the amount they're asking, they'll just send us to collections and ruin our good rental history. Boy, I sure wish people would get over the money thing already. I'm not sure when it became the most important thing in the world... even more important than how we treat each other.
Anyway, I'd really like to cut the legs off of these fuckers. But if I did that, I might be contradicting myself, wouldn't I? So I decided that I won't. For now.
The good news:
I got a new package from Amazon today! What was in the grab box this time??
- The Naked Gun Trilogy DVD box-set
- A Hard Day's Night by The Beatles (a classic album!)
........okay finding a happy place. Doin' the happy dance. Doin' the happy dance....
Okay, I'm better now. :)
Tuesday, August 9, 2005
I'm quitting my job. Technically, I've already quit. I gave my written notice last Monday (if you care to read it, I can hook that up). My letter was pretty straightforward, as far as I thought. It got the point across quickly and gave a good idea of how upset I've been lately, yet still sounded as professional as I could keep it. It went fairly smoothly, as it seems most people didn't just understand my position, but basically expected it to happen sooner or later. Everyone says they will miss me. And they're throwing me a little party/get-together after work next Thursday. Since my last day is this Friday, I hope to enjoy a week or two off before starting a new job.
...And speaking of a new job, I got a call from a different clinic this afternoon. They received my resume and are interested in setting me up for an interview. That will be Monday morning. I'm going into it with the attitude that this job will be mine... as long as I don't screw the interview up. It's basically the same job I've been doing, except this building is barely two blocks away from my apartment. I may even be able to squeak out more money than I've been making these last couple years. I'll keep you all updated. (I know you're on the edges of your seats.) :P
While I'm on the subject of being unemployed, I may as well share the fact that it has historically been one of the hardest times for me. With my extreme lack of social skill, coupled with my inability to decide on anything resembling a career path, it is generally a guaranteed period of depression. It reminds me of just how worthless I am on the large scale. If I had a true dream to follow, I feel like I would do it better than anyone before me. Yet, it's easy to say that, not to do it. Still, I can't help feel such incredible frustration with the fact that I DON'T have a dream. I never did. With all these dreamers around me who waste their lives not pursuing those dreams... with all these celebrities at the top of their fields who claim they "always knew" what they wanted to be... the world seems to be an amazingly cruel place.
Through my eyes, people look at me and see a lazy, unmotivated shell of a human being. A waste of skin. Someone with so much potential who will only throw it away in time. If they only knew the passion that lies beneath the surface. Maybe, it's not that I don't want to do anything... maybe, just maybe, it's that I want to do EVERYTHING. I don't smile at the thought of doing one thing for the rest of my life. That, to me, is not an interesting life. Unless, of course, I could find that one perfect thing that I would never tire of. But as I learned long ago, perfection is extremely rare in this world, if not unexisting altogether.
Back in late 2000, I moved here to the Seattle area. I had no job. No friends. No life. After a month of looking for work with no luck, I was incredibly frustrated with life. It's not that I won't work, the work itself is not a problem. It's the routine of getting a job that I utterly loathe. So much, in fact, that in January of 2001, I had basically become suicidal.
One day, I was talked to by my father about the urgency to find something as soon as possible (I was living with them). I knew he was doing his best to encourage me to get something, playing the traditional fatherly role, but since I had such high levels of social anxiety, it was more than difficult to apply for or call people about jobs. I took off that morning and drove around town. I had no clue at all where I wanted to work, but I knew if I came home that afternoon with nothing to report, I'd be in deep shit. So I drove to a local park, and parked in the empty lot. I just needed some time to clear my head. I turned on the radio, lowered the driver's seat, and tried to fall asleep. I couldn't of course. Instead, my head continued to race with every thought. It was then that I thought I may as well just end this existance. The problem was, my parents would not be able to deal with an only-child-suicide lightly (who would?). So I sat there for a couple hours in my car, planning... scheming ways to end everything, without making it obvious it was intentional. I thought of a car wreck. Too dangerous for other people. I didn't want to hurt other people, just me. So I thought maybe I could take a drive in the rain on a cliffside... "accidentally" swerve to avoid something, and end it that way. No one would have ever known the truth...
Well, after awhile, I decided on a few of the details. By that time, I didn't even care about getting in trouble at home, so I just drove straight back. As it turns out, a lady had called and left a message for me earlier that day. I called her back and she asked me about setting up an interview. A few days later, I got that job; doing medical billing.
I never told anyone about all this, until now. I only bring it up now because I am once again in an unemployed state. But this time, I am not the least bit intimidated by life. The bottom line??
I am making more progress than I know.
Monday, August 8, 2005
yet still my hollow shell begins to fill
the magma of anger bubbles deep down
beneath the cold dry layers of emotion
Someday I will erupt
and send my fury upon the earth
Yet when I do, I hope no one else will burn
which is why no one must be near
There will be no predicting this one
no warning, no evacuation
it will come fast and without mercy
with everything i have
I am nearly active
but my threat will soon be over