Tuesday, August 9, 2005

The Bottom Line

Well, much is going on in my world recently. Let me attempt to catch you up on places I've been...

I'm quitting my job. Technically, I've already quit. I gave my written notice last Monday (if you care to read it, I can hook that up). My letter was pretty straightforward, as far as I thought. It got the point across quickly and gave a good idea of how upset I've been lately, yet still sounded as professional as I could keep it. It went fairly smoothly, as it seems most people didn't just understand my position, but basically expected it to happen sooner or later. Everyone says they will miss me. And they're throwing me a little party/get-together after work next Thursday. Since my last day is this Friday, I hope to enjoy a week or two off before starting a new job.

...And speaking of a new job, I got a call from a different clinic this afternoon. They received my resume and are interested in setting me up for an interview. That will be Monday morning. I'm going into it with the attitude that this job will be mine... as long as I don't screw the interview up. It's basically the same job I've been doing, except this building is barely two blocks away from my apartment. I may even be able to squeak out more money than I've been making these last couple years. I'll keep you all updated. (I know you're on the edges of your seats.) :P


While I'm on the subject of being unemployed, I may as well share the fact that it has historically been one of the hardest times for me. With my extreme lack of social skill, coupled with my inability to decide on anything resembling a career path, it is generally a guaranteed period of depression. It reminds me of just how worthless I am on the large scale. If I had a true dream to follow, I feel like I would do it better than anyone before me. Yet, it's easy to say that, not to do it. Still, I can't help feel such incredible frustration with the fact that I DON'T have a dream. I never did. With all these dreamers around me who waste their lives not pursuing those dreams... with all these celebrities at the top of their fields who claim they "always knew" what they wanted to be... the world seems to be an amazingly cruel place.

Through my eyes, people look at me and see a lazy, unmotivated shell of a human being. A waste of skin. Someone with so much potential who will only throw it away in time. If they only knew the passion that lies beneath the surface. Maybe, it's not that I don't want to do anything... maybe, just maybe, it's that I want to do EVERYTHING. I don't smile at the thought of doing one thing for the rest of my life. That, to me, is not an interesting life. Unless, of course, I could find that one perfect thing that I would never tire of. But as I learned long ago, perfection is extremely rare in this world, if not unexisting altogether.

Back in late 2000, I moved here to the Seattle area. I had no job. No friends. No life. After a month of looking for work with no luck, I was incredibly frustrated with life. It's not that I won't work, the work itself is not a problem. It's the routine of getting a job that I utterly loathe. So much, in fact, that in January of 2001, I had basically become suicidal.

One day, I was talked to by my father about the urgency to find something as soon as possible (I was living with them). I knew he was doing his best to encourage me to get something, playing the traditional fatherly role, but since I had such high levels of social anxiety, it was more than difficult to apply for or call people about jobs. I took off that morning and drove around town. I had no clue at all where I wanted to work, but I knew if I came home that afternoon with nothing to report, I'd be in deep shit. So I drove to a local park, and parked in the empty lot. I just needed some time to clear my head. I turned on the radio, lowered the driver's seat, and tried to fall asleep. I couldn't of course. Instead, my head continued to race with every thought. It was then that I thought I may as well just end this existance. The problem was, my parents would not be able to deal with an only-child-suicide lightly (who would?). So I sat there for a couple hours in my car, planning... scheming ways to end everything, without making it obvious it was intentional. I thought of a car wreck. Too dangerous for other people. I didn't want to hurt other people, just me. So I thought maybe I could take a drive in the rain on a cliffside... "accidentally" swerve to avoid something, and end it that way. No one would have ever known the truth...

Well, after awhile, I decided on a few of the details. By that time, I didn't even care about getting in trouble at home, so I just drove straight back. As it turns out, a lady had called and left a message for me earlier that day. I called her back and she asked me about setting up an interview. A few days later, I got that job; doing medical billing.

I never told anyone about all this, until now. I only bring it up now because I am once again in an unemployed state. But this time, I am not the least bit intimidated by life. The bottom line??

I am making more progress than I know.


  1. shit, ry, you left me feeling horrible for making you listened to me for that tripple shits on monday, instead of this..

    i officially owe you one giant hug.

  2. Hey, I just had a dream about you. It was a really good one and I woke up sad because you weren't around. I am thinking of you. I hope you get your new job quickly.