2014 In Review

Well, 2014 has come to a close. It was an eventful year. Some ups, some downs... but progress nonetheless. I was able to finally wipe some items off of my bucket list this year. Here are some of my highlights of 2014:

• The Seattle Seahawks won Super Bowl 48! They became World Champions for the first time by crushing the Denver Broncos 43-8! It's been so great for Seattle and the Pacific Northwest, and the Hawks are going into the playoffs this year as well. They've already won their division again and looking to repeat in Super Bowl 49 in a month or so.
• I started a new job at a hospital. Although I got laid off early this year, I was able to find a new job fairly quickly. I ended up signing on to make about 25% more in wages than I previously did, with a much less stressful role in a setting I'm already familiar with. As I write this nine month later, things are still going great.
• We reached a financial goal of $20k+ in our emergency/savings fund.
• I bought my first customized Seahawks jersey. It's a gray jersey with the number 12 and my last name on the back. It rocks! And speaking of jerseys, I also bought the teal Dustin Ackley Mariners jersey I've been wanting for awhile. I was able to wear it to a game in August.
• We bought our first new car; a hybrid. We've been wanting to break into the more-energy-efficient-vehicle world. We purchased a 2014 Prius C, and we absolutely love it! We even plan on getting a second one in the next year or so, and we don't plan on going back to traditional gas vehicles ever again.
• I finally underwent a LASIK procedure, and now I don't have to deal with glasses or contacts any longer. My vision quickly went from shitty/gettingworse to 20/15!
• I dropped a bit of extra weight. For the longest time I've been in the 220-230 pound range. I've changed some eating habits for good, and now I'm steadily in the 205-215 range. Instead of a tight "large", I'm now a comfortable "medium". Now I just need to update my wardrobe, which will be an undertaking in itself.
• I watched the entire James Bond film collection in chronological order, beginning with "Dr. No" and ending with "Skyfall".
• I also watched the entire series of "The X-Files", including both films. I'd always meant to see the series in it's entirety, but hadn't found the time to get around to it.
• I got an Xbox 360. This is my first foray into the world of Microsoft consoles. I picked up a bunch of cheap games at some pawn shops, so those will keep me busy for a long time. Happy gaming to me!

There are already many things on my plate for 2015. I'm prepared for it to be quite a difficult - but productive - journey. I feel ready to continue my progress. 

It's time to see just how deep this rabbit hole goes.

Today's Question

Would you rather have people know all of your flaws, or have people never know you at all?

The Boy Who Was Always Wrong

I suppose there's a reason why I'm so quiet; a reason why it's so hard for me to speak up and share my opinions without fear of backlash and vitriol quickly returning my way. There must be a reason why I hesitate to express myself; worrying instead of the counter-points and counter-counter-points I will inevitably have to follow up with. For me, it's never been simple.

For as long as I can remember, there's always been something wrong with the way I think. Not so much to me. To me, my thoughts mostly make sense. But throughout my life, I've always been corrected; told I'm wrong in my thinking for one random reason or another. The flaws in my thinking have always been pointed out to me. And since I'm completely incompetent at articulating and explaining the thoughts in my mind, this results in a frustrating and futile outcome every single time I try to share my opinions with someone.

It's no wonder I'm so fucking quiet. It's no wonder I don't talk much to people anymore or openly share my feelings. What's the fucking point when I'm always wrong anyway?

It's no wonder I've always felt so fucking alone and disconnected.

Today's Thought

Not being rich isn't always the problem. Lusting after things that cost too much money is the problem.

Lord Of The Polka

I never did feel right calling Al Yankovic "Weird Al". I know it's the name everyone has always known him by, but it never felt appropriate to me. I don't think of Al as being "weird". I always just thought of him as someone I could relate to. Genius... clever... extremely talented... but not so weird. He's just a cool guy with a great sense of humor. And he's a hero of mine.

People continuing to obsess over the daily routines of British royals and the talentless Kardashians? Now that's fucking weird.

Ghost

I am a fraud. I'm not the person you think I am.

I'm not even the person I think I am. I'm something else. I just hope I can figure out what that is, because so far, there's a black hole where my heart should be. It's trying to destroy everything.

Today's Quote

"If you're paralyzed by a voice in your head, it's the standing still that should be scaring you instead."

--- Ben Folds

Living Outside Societal Tradition

Feeling lost; feeling somehow like I'm not alive. It's clear and all too obvious that there's something wrong with me; that I need a therapist as soon as possible. I've checked into it... Still no luck. I have no clue where to start or who to see. If I'm not being put on a waiting list of "unknown" length, I'm busy worrying whether or not someone will even accept my insurance. Or will I have to drain my tiny savings account again just to try and find someone who might be able to show me a path to a place where I can finally escape my torment?

I've wasted my life trying to not let people down. I've thrown it all away trying to live up to their expectations; and because I have a fucked-up need for everyone to like me... or at least not think I'm a dick.

I've become as cold and dead on the inside as I've felt on the outside for decades. More and more, I'm fed up with the idea of birthdays. It's too much for me to try and remember anymore. I can't keep up. I've always felt cards are bullshit; more insincere than ignoring the day completely. At least my forgetfulness is sincere. The lame, generic words written by some failed novelist are not. And gifts? What the fuck kind of twisted, egomaniacal person actually expects gifts from others? Isn't just being alive to see another year gift enough? If there's something you want that badly, just open up your wallet and pay for it yourself, you materialistic douche. Let the people you claim to care about do things more productive in their lives. Birthdays mean nothing. Old is a state of mind.

Another thing that's been pissing me off... What is this need people have to post notes on Facebook about their anniversaries? It's their passive-aggressive way to plead for comments of: "Oh, you're such a beautiful couple!", etc, etc, etc... It's just a desperate cry for attention. Plus, they want others to be envious. They honestly do. Especially the people who have no one. This is who these posts hurt the most. But they will never care... Not as long as they get a couple of "likes".

Oh, and I don't care about your kids. There, I said it. And for the record, yes, I do feel better. You might as well have posted pictures of random people you met on the street that day. I'd hold the same level of interest. "Oh, you don't have kids. When you do, you'll understand.", they'd say. I say I will never have kids, so this conversation is pointless. ... And I still don't care about your precious offspring. Not until they do something worth caring about.

I know, there's something wrong with my brain. I don't know why, or when it was damaged. I only know that it was. And I suppose this is my desperate cry.

The truth is, I'm losing touch with knowing the person I actually am. I can be many people in the course of a day, and I don't know who the real one is anymore. Then again, I often feel like none of them are real at all; that I only continue pretending my way through life, day after day. Perhaps someday I can finally discover who I am. This is my hope. Until then, it only means that nobody else in this world can ever know.

Today's Thought

Talking is pointless in a world where no one listens.

Solitary

Feeling broken; alone; useless. It's hard to feel anything but, at times. It didn't always used to be this way. Or maybe it did. I just don't know anymore. In my youth, I was never needed. I'd walk home from school - where I would spend the vast majority of my day talking to no one - and catch a couple of reruns of some random show... maybe "Who's The Boss?"... maybe "Star Trek: The Next Generation". At just after five, Mom and Dad would get home. Mom would be in a horrible mood every day, without fail, and spend the next hour or so in the kitchen preparing dinner for all of us. Dad would immediately retreat to the TV room every evening after work to play his guitar. It was never admitted, but I'm convinced a big part of this is because he just wanted to avoid Mom's I-haven't-eaten-all-day-and-now-I'm-pissed-at-the-whole-world wrath. He'd just hole-up in the TV room and crank whichever part of whichever song he was learning how to play that day. And since he was practicing, he'd usually put the song part on loop, playing it over and over... sometimes for hours at a time. This, of course, not only annoyed me, but also sent Mom into a deeper fury night after night. She'd stomp angrily down the hall, swing open the TV room door and yell at him to turn the music down... or off altogether. Then she'd huff and stomp back upstairs in a foul mood. This was routinely followed by Dad mumbling something like "bitch" to himself and continuing to play his music... if not louder now.

To avoid this embarrassing circus of a family life, I would spend as much time as I could in the peace of my own room. My room being next to the TV room with all of the music, it wasn't always quiet, but at least it was mine. I mostly just tried to lose myself in video games. They seemed to take me away from all of the drama I wanted nothing to do with. This domestic dynamic seemed to happen nightly. For years. It was like clockwork. And this is what was put into my head. This is what I assumed marriage was; two people who clearly made each other miserable and couldn't stand being around each other. Somehow, I had been relegated to a bargaining chip; a common ground between two factions at war. It might have been easier with the understanding and support of a sibling, but of course that was never in the cards for me. Instead, I would have to deal with the guilt of being the burden of both parties alone. If not for me, they could have just split and easily both gone on to find other partners who actually made them happy. But there I would continue to be... fucking up everything as usual.

Skip ahead a couple of decades...

Here I still am. Continuing to feel like a complete fuck-up. Continuing to feel like everything is my fault. I still feel alone. I still feel like I'm not needed. I still feel like I'm just in the way.

Sometimes I wonder if these are the only things I can feel anymore.

...With Liberty, And Drugs For All

I think the fact that pharmaceutical advertising is so rampant in this country is very telling about how messed up the US healthcare system is. Your health and well-being has been relegated to a mere business; an opportunity for multi-billion dollar corporations to make massive profits.

Look through just about any magazine these days. Watch any program on television. The advertising is everywhere. There's something very wrong when we are being told to request certain medications from our physicians, as if we're window-shopping for stuff that looks good. Instead, we should be letting our physicians - the actual medical experts - offer us medicine on their own when they feel it might actually help our condition(s).

We are taking medication for everything now. It's like we're afraid of feeling anything even resembling pain anymore. Or as I call it... life.

The Power

It's easy to believe that, as middle-class citizens, we have no power in our society. But what we often overlook is the fact that this society needs us to properly function. WE do the work. WE pay the taxes. WE put our lives and our hearts into making this the best place we can. It is all because of us that we are able to have the things we have. WE still have power.

If you don't like banks, pull your money from them and go with a credit union. If you don't like high gas prices, find ways to rely less on it; help to drive the demand for it down. If you think our medical system in this country is broken (and you're correct), stop taking so many of the drugs your physicians are blindly prescribing to you. You don't need most of them, and you're only helping to allow the pharmaceutical industry to keep its stranglehold on our healthcare. I could go on and on and on ... (Yes, I realize nobody wants me to do that.)

My point is: WE have the power as consumers. With every single spending choice we make, we are reshaping our society. Be smart with your money. Sure, money is ultimately unimportant, but we do need it to live comfortably. Spend only what you have already saved. Save whenever you can, even if it's only a little bit at a time. Every cent counts. The more you keep to yourself, the more power you will take back from those who currently rule you.

It all begins with you.

The Meltdown Begins

2014 is going to be an interesting year.

2013 wrapped up as a solid year for me. I was able to make a lot of personal progress and overcome some previous hang-ups. I've put many secret plans in motion for 2014, but unfortunately some of them have already hit a giant snag. ... I'm getting laid off. This setback will likely take me months to recover from. I've never been one to put much stock into the idea of having a career, which makes me a "loser" in some peoples' eyes. In my way of thinking, a job is just a job, and the only reason I work is because I essentially have no choice. (I work to live, I don't live to work.) With that said, I'd be lying if I said I've been handling this transition well. The truth is, even before the news of the lay-off, one of my major goals for 2014 was to finally begin therapy. This is something I've always wanted, and more accurately, NEEDED to do. Now with the loss of my insurance, that's going to be delayed until I can find more that will help cover it. But this is still the plan.

Some people will say that being in therapy means you're weak. I believe the opposite. We all have issues, and anyone who thinks they don't is only lying to themselves. Being in therapy means you're making an effort to work on those issues. It takes a lot of strength... and patience, to expose yourself and admit all of your flaws in order to begin rebuilding. I'm ready to do just that. You cannot grow if you don't change. Then again, maybe this is all just a crazy person talking.

Beyond Broken

I wear these earplugs as if somehow they will block the noise of my frustration with the world from me.

With each day I become more and more convinced that nobody will ever understand me. I feel like an outsider. I feel like an alien. I feel like a ghost. I always have. I'm here... but I'm not really here. I'm just something that gets in peoples' way and uses up valuable oxygen. After thirty-four years, I'm still unable to relate to just about everything other people talk about: children, brothers, sisters, friends, pets, weddings, houses, careers, college life, parties, clubs, high school romances, proms, summer breaks, etc, etc, etc, etc... These concepts are all completely foreign to me. They always have been. I'm not sure I belong in this world. Even crying. Fucking crying. Another thing that I can't relate to. I have no doubt that anyone who reads this will dismiss this entire rant as a simple pity-party. And maybe it is. But it's also exactly how I feel. And nobody truly knows how I feel because the world doesn't revolve around me. Only my world does. And my world is damaged.

Another thing nobody really knows about me is that I spend most of my life pretending. When others tell me about things, I pretend that I care about and understand their dilemmas. Most of the time, I barely even know what the fuck they're talking about. But I pretend anyway. My brain often doesn't work correctly. When someone asks me a question, my mind goes blank and it makes me feel stupid. Even if I know the answer. I never know what to say. And that makes me feel even more stupid.

I wish I could just cry like everyone else to get this frustration out of my head, but I can't. Instead, it continues to plague my brain like a cancer.

I'm still looking, but so far I haven't found the cure.

Reaching

How is it that I can sometimes feel so well-rounded and so broken at the same time? I feel fairly adjusted... on the right path... adapted to this life and the expectations it continually forces on me. Simultaneously, I often feel lost. As if the world offers me a handful of gifts and yanks them back just as I try to reach for them.