Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Litterbug (Wake Me Up Before You Throw-Throw!)

If you're one of these people who tosses your garbage on the ground because you're too damn lazy to find a garbage can...... seriously, you need to be bitch-slapped right in the fucking face.

Thursday, December 6, 2007

Thoughts To Think About # 9

Not liking something is a characteristic of the closed-minded.

Wednesday, December 5, 2007

This Might Be Interesting...

1) Take your answer to each question and type it into an image search engine.
2) Post one of the images from the first page of results.

The age you will be on your next birthday:

A place to which you would like to travel:

Your favorite place:

4. Your favorite object:

5. Your favorite food:

6. Your favorite animal:

7. Your favorite color:

8. The town in which you were born:

9. The town in which you live:

10. The name of a past pet:

11. The first name of a past or current love:

12. Your best friends nickname:

13. Your nickname/ Screen name:

14. Your first name:

15. Your father's name:

16. Your mother's name:

17. A bad habit of yours:

18. Your first Job:

19. Your grandmother's name:

20. Your major in college:

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Thoughts To Think About # 8

As long as religion continues to plague the earth, we can never achieve world peace.

Monday, October 29, 2007


For the first time in life, my future doesn't scare me. In fact, now I can't wait for it to arrive. I've talked about it many times before though... time is an elusive thing. The past is gone, never to return again. You can't change it even if you want to. The present is an illusion. Gone in an instant. A gust of wind that blows by you before you even feel its impact in your hair. It too quickly joins the past.

And the future...

The future is merely a hypothesis. It's the greatest unknown factor in this journey we call life. Oh sure, some of us like to pretend we can see it, but somehow it never unfolds the way we wish it to. Funny how that works...

The lesson? Time is meaningless. We are here now, and we won't be forever. So enjoy every single moment in your life while you can. Appreciate everything good around you. And know that there are many more of these good things around you right now than you realize. Perhaps you just aren't observant enough to notice them yet. You will be someday... You will be.

And when that day comes, you will know exactly what I'm talking about.

Thursday, October 25, 2007

Shiny Trucks

Tick tock
fishing dock
someone here has writer's block
it's fair
I don't care
Batman stole my underwear
he ran
to Japan
and sold them to a creepy man
this should,
knock on wood,
revoke his superhero-hood
Parrot Bay
I went to Taco Bell today
It was
as always does
a happy filling tummy buzz
this sucks
shiny trucks
I wish I had like, ninety bucks
I think
I'll have a drink
and make some plans to see a shrink

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Blue Fire

It's funny how I used to think of life as a journey down a path with two possible directions: marriage, or fun. It's only until recently I've begun to realize that the idea of marriage is no more the opposite of fun, than fire is the opposite of blue.

Why can't it be possible to have marriage in life and still have the most incredible adventures you cannot yet comprehend? Well, It IS possible! And I'm going to prove it. I may get married, but I will never stop having an enjoyable life. This I promise...

I love where I am right now. Nothing has ever felt better. And though it may sound overly clichéd by now, it still rings true...

If it can happen to me, it will most certainly happen to you.

Saturday, October 20, 2007

A Question...

Seriously...... When are we going to stop this fucking rodeo shit?

Saturday, October 13, 2007

Seeing Sunshine

I find it interesting. I always thought I knew how it felt to be in love with someone. Yet I've always found myself wondering how love could be such a one-way street; such an unrequited journey...

Now finally, after almost thirty years, I know what it feels like to be in love with someone.

(This is where I want to stay.)

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

Thoughts To Think About # 7

Those who often look the other way contribute to the suffering of the rest of us.

Monday, October 8, 2007

Week Minded

On Monday night we'll dance around
like crazy people in the dark
our living room becomes the club
our underwear the dress code
seducing each other without a word
with only rhythm and melody guiding us

On Tuesday night I'll make a fire
for us to fall asleep by
with quilts and pillows piled high
and soft jazz on the stereo
we'll lose ourselves in the orange glow
while shadows dance around us

On Wednesday, we'll watch a show
or two, or three, or more...
and lie together on the couch
tired, worry-free, and still in love
I'll play with your hair all night
while your head rests on my chest

On Thursday night I'll take you out
for dinner on the town
It won't be fancy; nothing posh
just you and me in a dark booth,
a nice meal and candlelight
(We'll have each other for desert)

On Friday night we'll party on
at bars... with friends or by ourselves
it will be our time to let loose
forget our jobs and other worries
we will see ourselves from a different view
and want each other all over again

On Saturday, we'll sleep till noon
and play in bed like grown children
then we'll fix up our home a bit
cleaning, shopping... the usual chores
but we won't make it very far
we'll be right back playing in bed before long

On Sunday we'll relax all day
take a nice long bubble bath
with only the suds to clothe us
we'll share wine and stare into each other
the ultimate relaxation, in each others' arms
of course, to help prepare us for more dancing the following night...

Saturday, October 6, 2007

Guitar Fucking

Guitar fucking is a very important thing. All the great guitarists out there do it. In fact, in order to officially reach legendary guitarist status, you must master the art of fucking people hard in their ears... with only your guitar. It's not easy, but it sounds really good.

Angus does it. Jimi did it. Eddie, Stevie Ray, Eric, Chuck, Jimmie, Tommy, Joe, David, Pete and Slash have all had their turns. Hell, even some of the young Johnnys out there - Mayer and Lang most notably - have already displayed audiological guitar intercourse at its finest. It's here to stay for awhile, folks.

It starts off with a good hook. That's the key. You must immediately grab the attention of your crowd and seduce them. That's what being a lead guitarist is all about; making love to your audience with melody. To a great guitarist, there is no greater state of mind. You can tell. A guitar solo is like sex to these people. It just feels so good to them that words will never suffice. Why do you think they always make those funny faces during solos? Did you ever even wonder? I'll tell you why. They make those faces because they are invisibly shooting their melody into your earhole. And all you do is beg for more. That's power at its finest. So if you think about it, it's no wonder why everyone wants to be a rockstar...

Some people will always say that music is just music. I will never agree with that. Because for me, and millions of others out there like me, music can be anything you want. It can be everything.

All you have to do is keep the melody alive.

Thursday, October 4, 2007

Training Day

So I was at work today watching an online training video on the functionalities of our new upcoming time-clock system. As the video clips play, they show the instructor's hand working the time-clock unit as she teaches you, step-by-step, how to use its features. So I click on the third video clip and it starts to play. Halfway through, I am distracted and slightly amused by a phone that begins ringing loudly in the background. Nobody answers it of course, because the two people in the room are busy recording a video tutorial segment. Nevertheless, our instructor obviously seems aware of the ringing phone as she's trying to speak. But I figure they're going for a trendy business-live setting, so I don't think much of it. Fine. So onto the next video clip... Halfway through THIS clip, while the instructor is speaking, an announcent goes over the intercom in the background very loudly. I couldn't make out what was said over the intercom, but when it stopped I could clearly hear another voice within the room say, "holy fucking shit."

After giggling to myself for a bit and wondering if I was hearing things, I had to get some of my co-workers to listen to it too. We all giggled about it for a bit before letting our supervisor know.

But yeah, other than that it was just another ordinary day.

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

Freedom Only Costs A Buck O' Five

Emmy to Get Creative with Kathy Griffin's Speech
Tue Sep 11, 3:42 PM

Forget the D-list. Kathy Griffin is currently on the Catholic League's [bleep] list.

The Academy of Television Arts & Sciences said Monday that the acceptance speech the My Life on the D-List star made for winning a Creative Arts Primetime Emmy for Outstanding Reality Program will be edited for content when the ceremony airs Saturday on E!

That content being what the Catholic League is calling the redheaded comic's "obscene and blasphemous" remarks upon hoisting her statuette.

"Am I the only Catholic left with a sense of humor?" Griffin responded to E! News Tuesday.

"A lot of people come up here and thank Jesus for this award," the oft-self-deprecating performer said last Saturday at Los Angeles' Shrine Auditorium, where more than 60 less mainstream Emmys were handed out in anticipation of the main event this Sunday.

"I want you to know that no one had less to do with this award than Jesus," the erstwhile Suddenly Susan actress continued. "Suck it, Jesus, this award is my god now!"

In response to the Catholic League's condemnation of Griffin's "vulgar, in-your-face brand of hate speech," and in addition to the assumption that more protests could arise from other religious groups or similarly concerned citizens, the TV Academy has opted to cut Griffin's reverse shout-out.

"Kathy Griffin's offensive remarks will not be part of the E! telecast on Saturday night," a TV Academy spokesperson said in a statement to E! Online. Instead, "there will be an abbreviated version of [her] acceptance speech on the telecast." (E! Online is a division of E! Networks.)

As of Monday, the two-hour Creative Arts Primetime Emmy special, which features highlights of the Carlos Mencia-hosted event that took place Sept. 8, was not finished. So, it's unclear how Griffin, not usually one to worry about offending anybody, will come off.

Meanwhile, the Catholic League has no bone to pick with the Academy, which organization president Bill Donohue said did the right thing. Griffin, however, has some 'splaining to do.

"The Academy of Television Arts & Sciences reacted responsibly to our criticism of Kathy Griffin's verbal assault on 85 percent of the U.S. population," Donohue said in a statement on the group's Website. "The ball is now in Griffin's court. The self-described 'complete militant atheist' needs to make a swift and unequivocal apology to Christians. If she does, she will get this issue behind her.

"If she does not," Donohue said, "she will be remembered as a foulmouthed bigot for the rest of her life."

Which, if nothing else, will provide Griffin with plenty of material for the next season of My Life on the D-List.


Lessons learned:

1. You have the right to free speech here in the United States of America... just as long as you're a Christian.

2. Telling an invisible man who lives in the sky to "suck it", is considered "hate speech".

3. I am a foulmouthed bigot if I say, "Suck it, Easter Bunny. And you too, Santa! Suck it hard!".

4. People can apparently be a humor-appreciating Catholic, and a 'complete militant atheist' at the same time.

5. Jesus is really good at winning people Emmys and helping football players score touchdowns.

6. Christians and Catholics are so important that we need to capitalize the words each and every time. However, atheists are not special enough to ever have the word 'atheist' capitalized.

7. Catholics have a long upstanding history of not offending people *cough HITLER cough*, and doing what's right. Well... I mean aside from when thousands of their priests are molesting children and getting away with it.

Monday, September 3, 2007


I recently told someone close to me the following:

"I'm not afraid of dying, but sometimes I'm afraid of living."

Somehow, after all this time, I find myself in somewhat of a comfort zone. New adventures wait on the horizon. New situations. New emotions...

A new life.

If you knew the thoughts going through my head right now, you might still be surprised by the actions I'm about to take. Sure, that may sound confusing and contradictory, but there's no other way I can think of to describe the unbelievable feeling it is to finally realize something that was only previously a myth; something I could not possibly comprehend with my unwilling, misused brain. I am Alice looking down into the rabbit-hole, trying her hardest to imagine the most realistic outcome. Put more simply, I am about to jump into the rabbit-hole.

It's true, I find a comfort in channeling my all too random thoughts into something while maintaining a somewhat cryptic barrier. I wasn't always this defensive. I picked it up along the way. Sometimes, I may not even be aware I'm doing it. It's just a part of me now. At the same time though, I'm learning new ways to smash these very barriers down. New ways of feeling. New ways of thought.

I like where I am right now. I really do.

Thursday, August 23, 2007

Hypnotic Angel

She flowed to me like a waterfall in the moonlight
her mist engulfed me
and all i could do was shed a tear as my lungs inhaled her
the cliffside shadows danced in the aquatine reflections
as if they were playing with the night breeze
the pit of my stomach felt queezy
partly because i couldn't stand the thought of spending one more night without her
but also because i really needed to take a dump
i shouldn't have eaten that shiny can of delicious pork and beans
it was their intoxicating bouquet that seduced me

Thursday, August 16, 2007

Down In The Count

You may not know this about me, but once upon a time, I was a ballplayer. I wasn't just a casual observer or an unrealistic dreamer... I was a ballplayer. I lived and breathed the game. It flowed through me like oxygen. Instead of blood, for many years my heart pumped hardball through my veins. Once upon a time, baseball was my life.

It was already somewhat of a reality for me. I was successful. I was a professional. I played third base for my favorite team growing up, the Seattle Mariners. I wore the number nine on my back, just like one of my heroes, John Olerud. I played along side of other guys I also idolized through a child's eyes. These guys in a certain way were like older brothers to me. And here I was, playing at their side; working together to become the best we could be. It was a dream come true.

I may not have been the best in history, but I was good. I worked harder on improving my game than any of my colleagues. I hustled out every infield grounder, no matter how routine. And if I was brushed off the plate occasionally, I was that more determined to make the pitcher pay with his precious ERA. I was good. I was well respected among my teammates and hometown fans. I even broke a few club records and made a couple all-star rosters. I can still remember the feel of the hard Kingdome turf under my feet. The smell of stale hotdogs and nachos... the thousands of random voices echoing against the dull grey concrete walls... the brightly lit scoreboard and colorful surrounding signs. I was a grown man with the heart of a starry-eyed kid beating inside his chest, and I cherished every moment of it.

Regardless of what you may think, or what you assume to be true... regardless of what you believe to have been the case... this dream died for one reason, and one reason alone. I was scared. That's it.

I was just scared.

In my real playing days, I was a nervous wreck. Each time one of my coaches would sit me out for an inning here or there, a big part of me would heave a sigh of relief. The other part of course, immediately felt guilty and knew it was wrong for me to feel that way. Unfortunately, the fear was too much. I didn't know how to deal with so much anxiety; so much fear. And many chapters later, it turns out that this fear cost me my dream. And since I've slowly come to realize this fact, a part of me has died.

I still love the game. I can still hear the crack of the bat. I can still tell you exactly where the ball will land from the contact it makes with the batter's swing. I can still feel my arms swing away when I haven't held a bat in years. It will always be in my blood. Once upon a time, I was a ballplayer...

And somewhere deep inside, I still am.

Monday, August 6, 2007


I believe the sun should never set upon an argument
I believe we place our happiness in other people's hands
I believe that junk food tastes so good because it's bad for you
I believe your parents did the best job they knew how to do
I believe that beauty magazines promote low self-esteem
I believe I'm loved when I'm completely by myself alone

I believe in Karma what you give is what you get returned
I believe you can't appreciate real love 'til you've been burned
I believe the grass is no more greener on the other side
I believe you don't know what you've got until you say goodbye

I believe you can't control or choose your sexuality
I believe that trust is more important than monogamy
I believe your most attractive features are your heart and soul
I believe that family is worth more than money or gold
I believe the struggle for financial freedom is unfair
I believe the only ones who disagree are millionaires

I believe in Karma what you give is what you get returned
I believe you can't appreciate real love 'til you've been burned
I believe the grass is no more greener on the other side
I believe you don't know what you've got until you say goodbye

I believe forgiveness is the key to your unhappiness
I believe that wedded bliss negates the need to be undressed
I believe that God does not endorse TV evangelists
I believe in love surviving death into eternity

I believe in Karma what you give is what you get returned
I believe you can't appreciate real love 'til you've been burned
I believe the grass is no more greener on the other side
I believe you don't know what you've got until you say goodbye

--- "Affirmation" by Savage Garden

Wednesday, August 1, 2007

The Leap Home

I have been a Quantum Leap fan ever since I watched the premier episode many years ago. It has been only recently, however, that I rediscovered the series through the eyes of an adult. What an adventure it takes you on; what a journey...

By now many of you know that I no longer watch television on a regular basis. But I do still cherish the shows I either grew up with or deeply respect... in many cases, both. Quantum Leap is one of those shows.

I believe that the single most important quality of "sucking" viewers into a show is creating an atmosphere that said viewer can escape to. It all has to do with the viewer being able to relate to the characters... and at the very least, the concept. This must be how Sam Beckett and his holographic buddy Al got me hooked so many years ago.

Sometimes I think I might as well trade places with Sam. In many ways, I already feel like I'm experiencing the same life he is. Jumping from life to life, experience to experience... unable to find the time to let them soak in and enjoy the rewards. I often feel like my goal is to help people down paths they would have never followed if they hadn't been a part of my life. Does that make any sense? Oh well... it does to me.

The bottom line is, Sam Beckett and I have much in common. We are both willing to sacrifice our own conventional lives to something much greater than ourselves... to help others succeed in theirs. Perhaps it is in this sense that we fulfill our own desire to belong; to have a purpose. Some might say that Sam was the most unknown hero ever to walk the Earth. To hell with fame. I find myself wishing I could be an unknown hero too.

Sunday, July 22, 2007


You are the closest thing to perfection I have seen in this life.
...But you don't know this.

You can smile and change the subject of every conversation in a room.
...But you don't know this.

I fantasize about wrapping your hair around me like a blanket and falling asleep.
...But you don't know this.

You might be everything I've always needed.
...But you don't know this.

The thought of you keeps me strong and focused.
...But you don't know this.

Because of you, I am a better man than I ever thought possible.
...But you don't know this.

I often wish I lived among the stars just so I could always watch over you.
...But you don't know this.

I would die without hesitation to keep you protected.
...But you don't know this.

My fear of losing you is much more intense than any other fear.
...But you don't know this.

Your touch feels like home to me.
...But you don't know this.

Your scent makes me feel safe.
...But you don't know this.

I can see my future in your eyes.
...But you don't know this.

I already have plans for us.
...But you don't know this.

You don't know any of this.

Saturday, July 14, 2007

The Turn

For years I have struggled with trying to figure out what it is I want. Knowing the things I don't want has never been a problem for me, and I have avoided those things accordingly all my life. But something is different now. A new chapter has begun. The proverbial "turn" in the high-stakes hand of life. Now anything can happen... and it has.

For the first time I can recall, I know exactly what I want.

I want to let go of the unnecessary weight I struggle to carry every day. I want to live a simplified life and appreciate everything I have. I want to finally figure out who around me deserves to be a part of my life, and I want to enjoy everything about those who do. I want to be secure... not only in a financial sense, but a romantic one as well. I want to be safe and healthy. I want a small house that I can call my own; a house with a cozy basement destined to be a movie room and a lounge full of color. I want to continue my aspiration to improve myself in any way I can. I want to be better than I was the day before. I want to tone my body and become physically stronger. "I want to look good naked." I want to travel... to lands I never thought I'd see through my own eyes. I want to see more of my own land as well. I want to spend money on experience, not possession. I want to help end animal cruelty and neglect. I want to help people. I want to show them what they can do for themselves and each other if they would only learn to open their eyes and see the world in front of them. I want to take in all the pain and suffering in the world and turn it into something much more beautiful. I want to finally be the man I've always been deep inside. I want all this and more...

But most of all, I just want you.

Friday, July 6, 2007

Thoughts To Think About # 6

You will never be perfect. But you already are perfect in someone else's eyes...

Monday, July 2, 2007

Sunday, July 1, 2007

Land Of The Free

My whole life, I've never understood the concept of my country - the United States of America - being the only one to ever be referred to as "America". I remember being a small boy and asking adults why there are two full continents named America, when nobody ever considers the countries within them (aside from the U.S. of course) to be American countries. I still have yet to figure this out, or find someone who can logically explain this to me.

The picture above, according to every world map I've seen, shows the great land of America. Canada is in America. Argentina is in America. Costa Rica is in America. Brazil, Peru, Greenland, Ecuador, Mexico, Chile, Columbia, Belize.... They are all part of America. Yet somehow, I seem to be the only person refusing to ever refer to the U.S. as "America".

I guess I can be pretty anal about things sometimes.

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

Happy Story Hour

Yes, I do realize that many of my posts tend to be "negative". I don't deny this. I am merely typing out words reflective of the random thoughts in my head. But contrary to popular belief, I can actually post uplifting entries now and then as well. So for all you who have been waiting for a "happier" entry, this one's for you...


Once upon a time, there was a young boy named Josh. Josh was a nice boy with stars in his eyes and Downy-fresh pillows in his heart. His heart was so Downy-fresh in fact, he would often dream of playing in flowery fields with Snuggles, that cute little bear from the Downy commercials. And as the violet sunset spread across the horizon, Josh and Snuggles would go get ice cream cones and sit along their favorite bridge, watching all the happy little froggies leaping around in unison and sharing their young innocent dreams with each other.

On one particular day, Josh would make a difference in the world. A difference he would never be aware of...

Josh woke up and got out of bed. He got dressed, made a pee-pee and went downstairs for breakfast. Today he would have his favorite cereal, Lucky Charms. He always loved Lucky Charms. Especially the colored marshmallows and the little irishman that talked real funny. Once again, he ate all of the soggy gross pieces first, while saving all the yummy marshmallow bits in a big rainbow-smeared pile for the last few bites. After breakfast, Josh went outside to play with his friend Tony. They were too young for school, so they had all day to play outside like kids should.

Tony was a sweet young boy himself, about Josh's age and size. He too, often had clouds in his eyes and sugary gumdrops on his fingertips. Together, Tony and Josh were poster-children for innocence.

The two boys headed out to the park just down the road from their homes. Once there, they began to play a game of freeze tag with some other kids. Not far into the game, Josh pointed to a box sitting in the park grass. They walked cautiously up to the box to discover five baby kittens inside... all different colors... all looking precious as ever with their big eyes and furry little bodies. Josh immediately whipped out his cell phone and called his friend, Ronald McDonald. Not long after, Ronald showed up to the park with happy meals for everyone and carefully picked up the box of kittens. Before leaving to find good homes for them, he grinned and waved to the kids, then fingered a big huge "M" in the air and blew them kisses. It was obvious the kitties would be safe now.

After a few hours of playing freeze tag, Josh and Tony decided to walk home to get some lunch. On their way, they encountered a mailman with a bag full of letters. The boys excitedly ran up to the mailman, Mr. Cliff, and asked him if they could help him open all the letters. Mr. Cliff agreed, and they all sat down in the sun and began to open letters. Many of these letters, neither Tony nor Josh understood... like all of the letters from "Big Ron" addressed to Richard Marx. Neither of them knew what they were all about.

"Mr. Cliff, what's a 'rimjob'?", Tony asked while reading one of the letters.
"Well Tony, it's kind of like a frisbee I guess. Only way more fun.", replied Mr. Cliff.

After opening all the letters, the boys thanked the mailman for letting them help and headed back home. On their way, they looked up to the sky to see pretty birds flying in formation like tiny little Top Gun jets. This made them both smile. Upon reaching Tony's place, the boys said their goodbyes and talked about meeting the next day at the park again.

Josh went home. It was getting late by this point so he went upstairs to the bathroom, stood up on the usual crate so he could reach the sink to brush his teeth like the grownups do, and made a final pee-pee. His mother, with her soft hands and silky fresh hair, tucked him into bed and read him a nighttime story. Something about Johnny Depp and Sting in tight spandex wrestling on a beach. It must have been another one of those "pirate stories" that his mom liked so much.

As Josh was finally beginning to get sleepy, he said to his mother...

"Mommy, I just want you to know that I love you. I love you a lot! And I love daddy too. And daddy's new girlfriend too! She's pretty. I love Tony too. He's my bestest friend. I love everybody. This world is great and I'm so happy to be here, mommy. I love my life. Can we get some ice cream tomorrow?"

Before Josh's mother could reply, he had nodded off and fallen asleep. She sat there with a tear in her eye, thankful for the boy with the golden heart laying in front of her. If it were not for this boy, surely she would have killed herself years ago.

It had been a very long time since she had seen the world from a child's point of view. And she never realized just how much she missed it until that moment. She made her way downstairs, and began seeing the world from a different perspective from that day forward.

Although she never believed she could be, she is happy now.

Monday, June 25, 2007

Back In Black

Most of you by now surely know about my friend Liz, who died last year. I have talked about her many times and have thought about her even more. But most of you may not know that prior to her death, she had planned to move in with me. We were going to be roommates. And I promised her I would take her out to many places and that we'd have so much fun. And we would have...

One thing you need to know about Liz is that she was a big fan of comedy. She loved to laugh. She loved to joke around. She loved showing off her razor-sharp wit and intense sarcasm. Those around her loved it too. ... And she loved going to comedy shows. I promised her that I would take her out to a bunch of them. Unfortunately, I never had the chance.

One of her favorite comedians was Lewis Black. So naturally upon first hearing months ago that he was coming to Seattle, I knew I would be going. On Saturday night, I did just that.

Although I've been wanting to see Lewis perform for a long time, I considered this as more of a tribute to Liz, especially since she would have been there right next to me had things turned out differently. And if I were rich, I still would have bought an extra seat just for her. Maybe that sounds insane but that's just how my silly little mind works.

I wore black that night. Aside from it being Lewis's last name, it also allowed me to pay respect to Liz's memory. It just made too much sense for me to wear anything else.

As for the show, Lewis was great of course. All night I couldn't help being fascinated with the thought that everyone around me came together for a few hours just to laugh. Thousands of people around me of all ages... all excited about the thought of laughing together and forgetting all the shit we go through in everyday life. Thinking about this somehow gave me a sense of hope for the world. And it made me realize just how powerful a simple thing such as comedy can really be.

With a night of full of laughter and thoughts of Liz, you can imagine how bittersweet it was for me. And I only hope that somewhere out there that night, Liz was laughing too.

The World Tonight

Upon opening my online browser a few minutes ago, I noticed the top five news headlines of the night. (In the following order...)

  • Ohio slaying suspect held on $5M bond
  • WWE star and family found dead in GA
  • Boston Police: Boy, 7, shot cousin, 8
  • Woman saves self after taxi driver dies
  • Alleged killer dies on witness stand

I read this and couldn't help immediately thinking... it's no wonder there are so many really fucking depressed people out there.

Friday, June 22, 2007

Thoughts To Think About # 4

A true artist can create something beautiful by merely improvising.

Monday, June 18, 2007

"This Is The Beginning..."

It is carved somewhere that everyone I care about most will leave me in the end.

Often, I find myself wondering if I should just leave them all first. At least that way they won't be hassled with the annoyance of having to make some kind of effort to improve themselves.

Then we could all go on continuing to be victims of our own lives. That's the part we secretly enjoy most anyway, right? Being victims? It's just easier that way. And it's what we do best.

Friday, June 15, 2007

Today's Fortune

I had more chinese tonight. This was written in my fortune cookie:

"You will soon be travelling to a distant land."

Thursday, June 14, 2007

Typing In Stereo

I can't help noticing how much racism still exists in our world today. You'd think after all these years we'd be so much further along in society. Unfortunately, people still have a difficult time understanding the many different ethnicities, nationalities and cultures out there. So for all of you ignorant bastards out there, here's a basic guide to our species... (In no particular order)
  • My Asian friends - Living in the Pacific Northwest, I encounter many asian people in everyday life. Along with "people from Oregon", asians are basically the ones you want to avoid on the roads at all costs. Many of them don't know how to drive because they usually ride bicycles. They are a quiet people, unless they are among a group of other asians, in which case they somehow transform into the loudest conversationalists you will ever hear. Asian people like to eat cats and dogs (with rice and noodles), and they make some of the most delicious meals on this beautiful planet. They are very good at math and science. This may explain why so many of them like to hang out at casinos... they seem to be fascinated with the blend of technology and numbers they offer. Although asians are generally small, quiet people with tiny genitals... you never want to piss one of them off. Since they all know kung-fu, this mistake will likely result in you getting your ass handed to you on a platter. (A pu pu platter!) Remember, there is a reason they live longer than the rest of us...
  • My Latino friends - Latinos are widely considered to be the sexiest people; masters in the art of seduction. They love to dance and make love all day long. This is probably why they end up having so many children. Latinos also enjoy mowing lawns and cleaning hotel rooms. And they like their music to have lots of trumpets and keyboards in it. They eat tacos and burritos everyday. Latinos also seem to have the most beautiful eyes.
  • My Irish friends - "The fighting Irish"! This slogan is not just a coincidence. The most beloved Irish pastime is, in fact, to get wicked pissed drunk and then try to beat the living shit out of a fellow human being. The Irish don't drink until they hit the floor. They drink until the floor hits them! The only other hobby they have is slipping on bandanas and riverdancing on wooden floors. Unfortunately, they cannot take up any outdoor activities due to the fact that their bright red hair channels the sun's heat directly into their pale white skin, resulting in immediate epidermal flaring. That's actually where freckles come from.
  • My German friends - Germans are good at making cars and sausages. They don't get around to much else due to the fact that they're usually drunk (much like their Irish buds). They love their beer! They also like techno and bizzare sexual fetishes. They don't like jewish people though. :( Their language is very evil sounding. If you want to scare someone, speak to them in German. They will run away crying.
  • My French friends - French people are all about making love and art... especially making art about love. They seem a bit stuck up at times, but you will forgive them for that when you hear their beautiful language. In fact, the language is so captivating that it will also distract you from realizing that many of them don't wear deodorant or shower on a regular basis. They also don't shave much of anything, so they smell like feces a lot. They like to eat waffles, vanilla ice cream, onions, toast and fries. (Be careful around french guys because they will try to fuck your wife.)
  • My British friends - Brits make excellent music, what can I say. Some of the best music in the world has come from the minds of these classy people. Although they tend to have an elitist attitude at times, they will still invite you in for a cup of tea and crumpets. And if you're lucky (or unlucky?) enough, perhaps they will even drink a bunch of martinis and dance naked for you. The British enjoy wearing large, over-elaborate hats. This may be their subtle attempt to hide the big ears and horribly disfigured teeth that lurk below. They are a very educated and resourceful people. Just don't ever call one a "bloody wanker". I still don't know what that means but they don't seem to appreciate it much.
  • My Black friends - Black people are the coolest people around. It's in the way they walk... the way they talk... and let's face it... nobody can beat them when it comes to athletic prowess! It's very unfortunate that so many of them deal drugs and steal things. Unlike asians, black people tend to talk loudly even if they are outside of their own group. And they enjoy eating fried chicken and potatoes for some reason. Perhaps it gives them the energy to do all those really cool dance moves?! (Be careful around black guys because they will try to fuck your wife... And they pack way more in their shorts than any french guy.)
  • My White friends - Unlike black people, whites tend to have no sense of natural rhythm. Still, they are a confident people. They tend to have a superiority complex when it comes to other groups, as they should since they are excellent golfers and racecar drivers. White people like to eat... well, just about everything. This explains why so many of them have big fat asses... which in turn explains why white men are most likely to experience erectile dysfunction and thoughts of suicide. But you have to give the white folks credit... they still know how to make really entertaining old people.
  • My Australian friends - G'Day, mate! Our friends "down under" are masters of the BBQ art. They like to drink lots of beer and go outside to play with dangerous wildlife. They pack around huge knives and wear really neat hats in public. The Australian people love their hard rock, and their accents are very contagious.
  • My Russian friends - Russia. The guys are alcoholics and the chicks are supermodels. They love gambling (Their favorite game is roulette). They also love vodka and partying. This means they really don't get much done during the day, but what do they care? They're all drunk anyway...

I guess the point here is (if there is one), why should any of us even bother thinking we're better than anyone else? We all have our flaws. We all have our strengths. That's what makes us human. So the next time you hear all this talk about this race and that race, just keep one thing in mind... We're all the same race.

... The HUMAN race.

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

Seeing Red

Though it rarely happens, I have multiple levels of erratic anger boiling just under the surface today. And I feel like I have many different directions to shoot it out at. I still can't quite figure out how I can have a shitty weekend, followed by one of the greatest weekends I've ever had, only to have the very next weekend one of the worst I've ever experienced in my life. What is going on here? Is this some kind of sick cruel joke? If it's a sorry excuse for Karma, I still have no idea what I ever did to deserve this emotional torture.

"And in the end... the love you take is equal to the love you make."
--- The Beatles

Assuming my boys were right, it seems as though I still have some waiting to do...

I'm tired of giving everything I have, only to be repeatedly crushed and devastated by others.

Saturday, June 9, 2007

Inside Wants Out

Inside my head, a neverending rainstorm flows.
Yet my outside skin feels dry as an abandoned desert.

How ironic it seems that I should find myself wishing for the ability to cry. With the exception of two personally devastating deaths, I cannot even remember the last time I was able to. And even in those two instances I could only briefly let any emotion out before quickly sucking it back in. It doesn't mean I don't have feelings, or that I don't feel pain.

I do.

Whenever somebody close to me cries, it breaks my heart. I don't only feel bad because they're sad... I feel bad because I wish I could take their tears away and cry my own instead. But I can't seem to figure out how. Some people can't drive a motorcycle. Others can't play golf... I can't cry. I can't fucking cry at all. I just don't know how.


I am much smarter than you think I am.

Last night, you fucked each other without cluing me in.
So why do I feel like I got fucked the most?

Do I have the right to feel like two of my closest friends have betrayed me?
Do I have the right to feel so irrelevant to you both?
Am I expected to accept this without speaking up about the overwhelming sadness and frustration I must now deal with?
Because that's how I feel.

Why do I have to be the one who seems to be losing everything from this?

I hope it was worth it. I really do.

Tuesday, June 5, 2007


06/02/2007 - The Gorge Ampitheater @ George, WA

Malia flew in from Oahu a couple days earlier to go to the concert with me. She had never been to Seattle, much less a live Mayer show (it was my sixth time seeing him). Needless to say, we both had an excellent time!

The show opened with Rocco DeLuca. Honestly, I didn't get a chance to listen much since I was busy getting food, water and a JM tour shirt at the time.
About an hour later Ben Folds began his set. I had the opportunity to see Ben for the first time back on 03/04/2006, and both have been entertaining shows. His setlist this time went like this (as noted by someone else):
  • Gone
  • Bastard
  • All You Can Eat
  • Still Fighting It
  • Jesusland
  • I've Got You To Thank
  • Landed
  • Bitches Ain't Shit (Ben's classic tribute to Dr. Dre)
  • Narcolepsy
  • Such Great Heights (a great cover of The Postal Service)
  • Kate
  • Not The Same
It should also be noted that about halfway through his set, Ben explained how he intended to experiment with the Gorge's sound system to see if he can hit the right note to make everyone in the audience lose bowel control. He continued to explain how the right note played with the right power behind it will "make you shit your pants". (This phenomenon is also often referred to as "the brown note"). It was quite amusing, as he usually is.
As the sky grew dark, John began his great set:
  • Waiting On The World To Change
  • Belief
  • No Such Thing
  • I Don't Trust Myself (With Loving You)
  • Good Love Is On The Way
  • Dreaming With A Broken Heart
  • I Don't Need No Doctor (during which he threw in the lyrical chorus of Sting's "If You Love Somebody Set Them Free")
  • The Heart Of Life
  • Vultures
  • Bigger Than My Body
  • Gravity
  • 3x5 (Acoustic)
  • Slow Dancing In A Burning Room (Acoustic)
  • Stop This Train (Acoustic)
  • Why Georgia
As it always seems to happen to me, some stupid people decided to stand up directly in front of me, blocking my view of the stage. So after a few songs I had to yell at them to sit down. I called them "fuckers" too, but apparently they still didn't hear me. They finally got the hint later when others also began yelling at them. And speaking of which, Malia and I very nearly witnessed a fight between the people next to us and some other selfish people who were blocking their view. Words were exchanged, water bottles were thrown and venue security members were involved. But the show went on and we tried not to let it distract us too much.
John played an amazing set! It even gave the 07/11/2004 White River show a run for its money as the best Mayer performance I've been to yet.
Many thanks to Malia again for going with me! It was an amazing experience that topped off a long-overdue getaway weekend for both of us. And I'm so looking forward to doing it again sometime. (Preferably soon...)

Tuesday, May 29, 2007

Eight One Five

My head is filling with this life
with no way to relieve the pressure
If only I had my own doomsday button
I might finally be able to channel my frustration into the sky

In a sense, I am stranded in this awkward place
unable to break through to the outside world
How is it possible to cry out for help
when I don't know how to cry at all?

Monday, May 21, 2007

Center Stage

She waits here for the curtain
to rise into the sky
for answers to her questions
to find a reason why

The redness comes apart now
with little or no sound
her blood is thumping through her
like vibrations in the ground

She opens up to everyone
this is what she knows best
she's found a way to empty
all the torture from her chest

Potential lies where talent hides
but this she hasn't seen
i hoping still, someday she will
find out just what i mean

Until that day i will be here
to guide her near and far
to ease away the lonliness
to see her catch her star

She may grow up, but she'll be young
no matter what her age
I'll always lend my hand to her
the girl at center stage

Saturday, May 12, 2007

For Mom

My whole life, I've been aware of the fact that I have the greatest mother around. Unfortunately, I have not always had the ability, or the courage, to express that to her. I suppose this is my attempt at doing just that...


Dear Mom,

Thank you for everything you have ever done for me. Thank you for your patience, your guidance, your forgiveness and your loyalty. In a time when so many mothers treat their children as trophies... or abandon them altogether, you were always there with open arms and a warm home-cooked meal. And if I could never say it before, I will always respect and appreciate you for that.

These past couple years haven't been easy for you. But things will soon be much better. I realize that over the years I have found it difficult to open up to you and Dad about many things. And I can't imagine how frustrating that must be for both of you at times. I just hope you never thought it was because I didn't want to, because I do.

I've been dealing with many obstacles over the last few years... mentally, emotionally, physically. Somehow I always chose to deal with them alone; keeping them hidden and to myself. Unfortunately this often kept me distanced from those around me, even those closest to me. I suppose in a way I've always been like that. And I believe it has made me stronger to realize that I have control of my life. I have the ability to make it better, to change it how I see fit. And though for many years I may not have truly believed it... I know that I have the ability to be happy. And I have done my best to make sure I am.

I want you to know that you don't have to worry so much about me. You did an amazing job raising me... you and Dad both. And I am doing great. I like my life and I would never give it up. I could never ask for better parents, and I have always appreciated everything you two have ever done for me. That will never change.

I love you both much more than you know. And from now on, I will try harder to be better at communicating.

Your only son,
--- Ryan

(P.S. I was totally sober while writing this.)

Thursday, May 10, 2007

Thoughts To Think About # 3

What I do for money is not as important as what I do for others.

Tuesday, May 8, 2007


I know a girl who's full of life
the kind we all should know
who sees the blooming of a rose
before it starts to grow

Her soul is sweet and filled with love
her heart is much the same
her aura glows the brightest white
Natalya is her name

There comes a time in all our lives
when we must follow through
and face our fears with confidence
to do what we must do

Natalya now is struggling
with that she can't control
so this is to remind her
of what really makes her whole

A husband who's in love with her
a rare thing nowadays
two future little beauty queens
who shine in many ways

Her family loves her more than words
and so do all her friends
no matter what the distance is
our friendship never ends

And so for now I wish her luck
with all that lies ahead
I'm sending thoughts of happiness
to her recovery bed

Whatever sound might fill her head
tomorrow or tonight
the colors of this blue-green ball
will never leave her sight

Sunday, May 6, 2007

Last Call

We've been best friends for five years now
...or so I often thought
Believed that you were good for me
but now I know you're not

You tempted me with happiness
no matter true or fake
You soaked up all my sorrow
when it was too much to take

These past few years are lost in time
a distant memory
And all the while I could not feel
the pain you gave to me

Today it seems the time has come
for you and I to part
to wash away the bitterness
and cash-in one more start

Once upon a time
you were the only I adored
but now that time is over
I don't need you anymore

Saturday, April 28, 2007

A Common Misconception

Contrary to popular belief, grades have never been an accurate representation of intelligence. They merely reflect levels of motivation.

Nothing more.

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

CD Mix, Twenty six

The newest random mix:
  • "Runaway" - Jamiroquai
  • "Reminiscing" - Little River Band
  • "Best In Me" - Blue
  • "Spanish Flea" - Herb Alpert & Tijuana Brass
  • "No More Cloudy Days" - Eagles
  • "Je Ne Sais Pas Pourquoi" - Kylie Minogue
  • "In The House Of Stone & Light" - Martin Paige
  • "Outa-Space" - Billy Preston
  • "Big Love (Acoustic/Live)" - Lindsay Buckingham (of Fleetwood Mac)
  • "Kissing A Fool" - George Michael
  • "Crazy" - Gnarls Barkley
  • "The Gambler" - Kenny Rogers
  • "Starchild" - Jamiroquai
  • "Breaking The Habit" - Linkin Park
  • "There's No Getting Over Me" - Ronnie Milsap
  • "Never Be Lonely" - .38 Special
  • "Kiss Me" - Sixpence None The Richer
  • "Mr. Downtown" - Freddy Fredrickson (from 'That Thing You Do!')
  • "Hello Little Girl" - The Beatles

Sunday, April 15, 2007

Sunday, April 8, 2007


Here's some advice for all you bastards out there who never pause from life to take a deep breath, sit back and think to yourself, "Hey, this world thing is really kinda neat."

Set aside five minutes in any given day. In these five minutes, you will empty your mind and let go of all your worries.

After you have done this, put on your stereo or handheld device. Turn the volume up loud enough to hear every sound (I recommend headphones). Close your eyes. Take a deep breath.

Play a favorite song.

Play something that reminds you of your childhood. Something that takes you back to a better time. Something that makes you happy. Listen to it in its entirety. (Might I recommend something like Glen Campbell's "Gentle On My Mind"...)

When it's over, take another deep breath and continue about your day.

Try it sometime. You might be surprised...

Today's Epiphany

Someone left another one of those annoying come-to-Jesus-and-be-saved leaflets near my front door yesterday. As I picked it up and asked myself, "What the fuck is this?", I suddenly had an epiphany. It hit me like lightning to a utility pole. And I can't believe I never really considered it before...

Jesus looks disturbingly like Kenny Loggins.

After basking in this thought for a minute or so I came to another realization. He also looks eerily like Greg Evigan (the other dad on that 80's sitcom, My Two Dads).

  • If Jesus really is living among us as Kenny Loggins, perhaps his hit "Danger Zone", from the film Top Gun, was written about Hell and the eternal penalty of sinning...

    "Out along the edges
    Always where I burn to be
    The further on the edge
    The hotter the intensity

    Highway to the Danger Zone
    Gonna take you right into the Danger Zone
  • We all have fathers, whether they are in our lives or not. However, many people of the world consider Jesus to also be their Father... I find it odd that Greg Evigan just happened to play the role of the Second Father in some old sitcom.

Maybe there's much more going on here than we realize...

Friday, April 6, 2007


How pathetic I am for trying to fix others, when I am the most broken of all...

My Island

I woke with the unusal feeling of contentment this morning... even after only three hours of sleep. Perhaps I shouldn't have, but I still did.

Mere hours later, here on my Friday's lunch break, I am hit with a sudden unexplainable wave of sadness. It envelops me when the thoughts of my love life shoots through my head. When the idea of a career shoots through right behind it. These thoughts beat me to a bloody pulp every single time I see an attractive woman kissing someone else. Someone often much less deserving than me. This sadness makes me want to pierce my heart with the pen I always carry.

Poetic justice perhaps...

Wednesday, April 4, 2007

Random Thought Of The Day

You will often hear someone say of another, "He doesn't have a violent bone in his body.".

This is simply wrong. We all have violent bones in our bodies. Any one of us has the potential to snap at any moment...

It's only a matter of control.

Sunday, April 1, 2007

Spirits In A Material World

As a service to myself I have just calculated the estimated amount of money I spent, in March 2007, on:
  • Bar tabs + tips
  • Liquor store purchases
  • Taxi fare
  • Music on the jukebox

This total came to the amount of $566.99. And I didn't include the occasional few bucks I spent on darts, the electronic gaming machines, pull tabs (which I didn't actually play much of anyway), or the fast-food I frequently crave afterwards. Nevertheless, I am glad to finally see this from a more economical point of view. The funny thing is, I actually did make an effort to cut down my bar expenses. But $30 here, $20 there... still adds up more quickly than it seems. And while I do consider most of it to be an investment towards a more fulfilling social life, I am still left with the thoughts of everything I could have done with even half of that money back. It is definitely a wake-up call for myself.

From now on I will be even more conscious about my spending habits. More conscious... and much smarter.

Besides, I have much more important things to invest in...

You Make Me

You are the reason I wake up.

You reveal the strength I've kept hidden in the depths of my imagination.

Without the thought of you, I would wither into nothingness.

You are everything I always wished I could be, and always wished I could have for myself.

You make me want to live to see another day.

And because of that, I owe you the fucking world.

I promise. Someday I will give it to you...

April Fool

Saturday night.


More than anything, I'd love to party and hang out with my friends. Apparently my friends are all too busy to hang out with me. It seems I am actually alone in this life...

Congratulations to me.

Friday, March 30, 2007

Rain, Rain, Go Away (And Take Your Friends With You Today)

American Idol

Will you please go away? Stop torturing me with this nonsense. I don't give a shit about any of these people at all! Or where they're from, what their criminal history is, who they're fucking this week, why they got booted from the show... I give less than a shit about any of it and I wish it would just go away.

Besides, we need to have the media concentrate more on school shootings, family killings, child raping and abductions, animal torturing, religious war, environmental pollution, and the threat of worldwide bio-terrorism. You know, all the really great contributions from humanity.

Britney Spears & Kevin Federline

Why are these people still making headlines? Is the average person's life so bankrupt that they need to live vicariously through others? How sad that is...

Britney reminds us time and time again how to be a moronic white-trash psychotic. I never had the impression that she was a bright individual, but honestly... is she actually losing points from her double-digit IQ every week? Perhaps she should take a lengthy timeout from her publicity-whore tactics (of which she no doubt learned from Madonna), to regroup and begin some intense therapy. And to 'K-Fed'... dude, they're called condoms. Check them out sometime when you're not busy being a dumbshit. They might help you to not have four bastard children with two different women running around. (Or whatever the tally is up to these days...)

Paris Hilton

If I haven't said it yet, congratulations for becoming famous for having a rich daddy. Maybe you should set aside a few of those dollars and take a couple driving classes. How the fuck did you get a driver's license in the first place?! Oh yeah, I almost forgot. You're rich.

By the way, I did see that video just out of curiosity, and I can't help wondering if you're as boring in person as you are in bed. You're not even that hot, so enough with the glamour-shot posing whenever a camera is in your face.

Sean Combs (a.k.a. "P. Diddy" / a.k.a. "Puffy")

Dude, you're not as cool as you think you are. Rich, sure... but not cool. And what's with all the jewelry?! And the fact that you throw a huge birthday party for yourself every year? Are you really that much of an egomaniac? Do me a favor and ask someone how to properly wear a cap. You look like an idiot when you wear them sideways. Also, you may be a decent producer but your rapping sucks balls, man. If I were you I'd stay on the other side of the sound-proof glass. Then again, I wouldn't be buying fur either. ... Ass.

Oh and one more thing... how about you just pick a fucking name and stick with it!

Ann Coulter

Now, I don't often use the "c-word" in everyday vocabulary, but Ann Coulter is a fucking cunt. I just can't think of a more accurate word to describe her.

Sunday, March 18, 2007

...And You Don't Know Me (Entry 1)

I still have the stubs from every movie I've seen in the theater over the last thirteen years or so. I've also kept all of my concert ticket stubs. Someday, I hope to make some kind of elaborate collage with them all.

Saturday, March 17, 2007

Across This Antheap

Soldiers, workers, slaves and farmers,
Nurses, queens and drones.
Wish they'd leave my head tonight,
Let me rest my bones.

A billion feet sound just like a billion drums.
A bed is creaking as the messiah comes.
The cars are crashing and the bacon is hacked.
The coffin's lowered and the lunches get packed.
Still segregating 'cause we insects are too proud.
Doesn't matter what colour of cat you are there's no dogs allowed.

And the screaming sky won't let me sleep.
The stars are laughing at us,
As we crawl on and on across this antheap.

War planes go over but no wages go 'round.
A sign goes up to say hey we're twin towned.
The dough is rising but no bread will be baked.
The fur is genuine but the orgasm's faked.
We're spending millions to learn to speak porpoise,
When human loneliness is still a deafening noise.

And the screaming sky won't let me sleep.
The stars are laughing at us,
As we crawl on and on across this antheap.

Soldiers, workers, slaves and farmers,
Nurses, queens and drones.
Wish they'd leave my head tonight,
And let me rest my bones.

And all the world's babies are crying still.
While all the police cars harmonize with power drills.
As jets and kettles form a chord with screeching gulls.
Accompanied by truncheons keeping time on human skulls.

And the screaming sky won't let me sleep.
The stars are laughing at us,
As we crawl on and on past lovers who'll leap.
On and on past widows who'll weep.
On and on no more than skin deep.
On and on across this antheap.

(On and on and on...)

"Across This Antheap" by XTC (1989)

Thursday, March 15, 2007

I'm Not What I Appear To Be

You will never ever hear me refer to anyone as a "loser". This is a term that has always disturbed me whenever hearing it, and I refuse to take part in the labeling of another human being as a loser.

When you call someone a loser, you are implying that there are actually "winners". And although some people seem to be more successful than others in this world, I don't believe that entitles them to an automatic "win" in life. Success itself is in the eye of the beholder. It means something different to everyone and cannot be measured in any one definitive form... monetary nor otherwise. Yet somehow we have decided as a people that some of us - most often those with the most money - are winners. The rest of us? Losers.

In life, I don't believe we are in competition with each other. Instead I believe the only ones we compete with are ourselves. We look inside ourselves to figure out what we need to fix and improve. This is the only true way to grow and evolve into something better. If only everyone could see the world the way I do...

There are no losers or winners in life. There are only people who have different life experiences than you do. We all come from different origins. Different backgrounds, different families, different areas, different cultures... we have different beliefs, different outlooks, different bodies, different minds... we do different things, know different people, listen to different music, eat different foods...

We all struggle through different obstacles, different losses, different illnesses, different conditions, and deal with different levels of personal devastation.

The next time you find yourself so quick to label someone a "loser", take a moment to realize you don't actually know a thing about them or what they've been through.

Then realize you aren't remotely close to perfect either.

In The Corner

There is something you may not yet know about me...

One thing I fear the most is the experience of feeling stupid. I grew up with that very experience time and time again, and I believe it had a huge part in shattering my self confidence as a young teenager. There is nothing worse to me than feeling like an idiot, and over the years that is exactly what has guided me to be smarter than I am. I know much more today than I did even five years ago. At 27 I now have the mentality of an average 45-year-old; the wisdom of the average 60-year-old. I have finally reached the point where I can feel security in my intellectual abilities, even if just a little bit. I can finally begin to build up my long-devastated confidence. I am in this process now, but it has come with a hefty price. My internal need to evolve seems to have cost me a normal adolescence... a normal social resumé... normal experiences...

More simply, my fear has cost me a normal life.

Friday, February 23, 2007


As I sit here watching a favorite movie of mine, I am unable to lose myself in the experience as I once did. Instead, thoughts of you wash over me like tidal waves. Pushing me along and crushing me at the same time.

I am changing.

Something in me is different now.

Monday, February 19, 2007

Dear Alex,

You were the greatest pet anyone could ever ask for. You were there to comfort my parents when I moved away for the first time long ago. In a sense, you might even say we were like brothers. That's why it has been so devastating to our family that you're gone now. You are missed terribly, and we only hope that you are finally at peace wherever you are.
You were always my buddy. Thank you for sharing your life with me.

Sunday, February 18, 2007

The Gig Of Destiny

Last night I went with Ross to see Tenacious D in concert. Here's a brief recap of my Saturday night...

I drove us downtown and we made it into the parking garage in perfect time. After parking, we both took a huge swig from the bottle of Black Velvet I brought. Earlier in the day, after finally getting a haircut by the way, I picked up six mini-bottles of booze (4 Yukon Jack / 2 Southern Comfort). My plan was to sneak these into the venue to "spice up" the typically watered-down and over-priced drinks inside. But as we approached the entrance with tickets in hand, I noticed the venue workers frisking every one. We decided to hang around outside for a few more minutes to drink the mini-bottles so I wouldn't end up getting caught with them. I gave Ross the two SoCo bottles, and downed the 4 Yukons myself. In fact, after the third I almost started gagging. So I ended up barely drinking half of the fourth before leaving it on a window ledge with the possibility it might still be there after the concert... which of course, it wasn't. Honestly, I didn't care anyway. We're talking about fifty cents worth here. Not an issue. Ross ended up getting more drinks inside the venue, but I held off. I was already feeling great by that point.

Anyway, the show itself was very entertaining. "The D" played pretty much every song of theirs you can think of, although there were a number of them I was not familiar with (I have yet to pick up the newest album). After the opening acoustic set they brought out the rest of their band... Charlie Chaplin on bass, Colonel Sanders on drums, and a guy resembling Jesus on lead guitar. It was quite interesting to say the least. Towards the end of the set they even broke into the beginning of my favorite song by The Who, "Pinball Wizard"... the very same song I just happened to be playing on my own guitar a few hours before! I love the little coincidences in life that make you feel that somehow everything is connected. They ended the night with "Tribute", one of my favorites. Fun show! Good times. (Oh and by the way, there were camera crews everywhere so they may have been shooting some footage for an upcoming DVD! I'll keep my eyes out for that...)

After the show, we decided to hit a bar near our place that we had been to only once before but had seemed like an interesting place to hang. It wasn't long after we began playing some darts that Ross got to talking to some chick at the next table over. I felt bad for repeatedly interrupting to let him know it was his turn, so I played my everlasting role as the wingman and continued throwing the darts for him... essentially playing against myself (and still losing). Although it didn't upset me at all for playing that part, it did make me analyze my place on the "random Top Gun psychoanalysis" chart. My conclusion?...

I am the Goose to everyone else's Maverick. It's not that I have a problem with being Goose (in fact I think he's a pretty cool guy), it's just that I'll probably die before ever getting to experience the really good action for myself. And that sucks to think about.

Monday, February 12, 2007

Invention #1

While sitting at my workdesk today, an idea for an invention ran through my head...

The dating world. It can be incredibly harsh and devestating at times. Look at her, she's really attractive! I would love to get to know her better, but she's probably married. Then again, maybe she's not. I wonder if I actually have a shot with her or if she even knows I exist. If only there was a way to know if she felt the same towards me before I humiliate myself in front of her.

Perhaps now there is a way to do just that. Here's my idea...

You buy a tiny thumb-sized item resembling a laser pointer or remote of some sort. Just big enough to hold, just small enough to fit on a keychain. This laser pointer is your own personal tool for finding potential love interests and friends. It gives you a unique identification and is coded with your own password to prevent anyone else from having access to it. It will not work without entering this password to activate it.

It's a simple concept really. Whenever you see someone who peaks your interest, whether from a distance or close by, you "tag" them with your laser tool. Now since this laser is invisible to the human eye, the "tagged" subject will not be aware of this. This tagging means that you are interested in getting to know this person (for whichever reason you chose). This will be your primary effort in using this device. All unique IDs of those you have tagged will be secretly recorded in your unit's memory.

Now let's say you have tagged someone who intrigues you... What should happen if they have tagged you as well? A match is proclaimed. The other person's basic information: first name, phone number and email address for instance, will be available for you to review. They will also be given your information. The bottom line: You will both be aware of your mutual interest and you will have the neccessary contact information to begin corresponding at your leisure, without much of the initial anxiety, awkwardness and embarrassment that many have had to experience. The rest will be up to the two of you to explore the new possibilities...


Other Miscellaneous details:
  • Information you wish to be made available to future matches will be up to you, but you must provide certain basic information when opening your account.
  • Upon purchasing your unit, you will be provided with access to the entire system network, much like an internet of every other user in the world.
  • Your information will be provided to others ONLY if they have resulted in a mutual match with you.
  • There are two separate modes to tag others with: "friends" and "romance".

Monday, February 5, 2007

Sounds Like A Lame Blog, Doughnut?

The other day I got into an argument with my co-workers concerning doughnut holes. It wasn't so much of an argument I suppose... more like friendly banter.

As we all know, stereotypical doughnuts come in a round shape with a hole in the middle. Now supposedly, someone decided to turn the doughnut industry upside-down one day with the idea of taking all these extra pieces of doughnut - which had been cut out of the original doughnuts to give them their famous holes - and making them into their own product, therefore preventing any further waste of perfectly good doughnutty yumness. The result of this idea now comes in the form of little bite-sized doughnut balls, which taste every bit as good as the original doughnuts themselves. These were christened, "doughnut holes". Score one for pastries everywhere.

Although I rarely indulge in these early-day delights myself, I thoroughly enjoy them when I do. And my issue is not with the holes themselves. Only with their name...

So I found myself arguing the illogical labeling of these doughnut balls as "holes". Somehow this does not seem correct to me. If they are in fact holes, why can't we see through them? In my eyes, "doughnut holes" still come with the original doughnuts (hence the holes in them). How can there now be two different holes for each doughnut made? I fail to see the logic in this. It is apparent to me that these doughnut balls are NOT holes, but in fact balls. Therefore, I suggest we immediately begin referring to them as "doughnut balls". Who's with me?

Naturally, the majority of my co-workers thought I was crazy for refusing to call these damn balls "holes". I even tried bringing up the possibility that the holes themselves were more likely to be a litter of little baby doughnuts. And that we should be ashamed of ourselves for eating little premature baby doughnuts before they have a chance to grow into more experienced adult doughnuts. You never know. Who here has seen what happens when two grown doughnuts get together and have doughnut sex all night? Raise your hands......... My point exactly. How do we know? Besides, that might certainly explain why some of the other doughnuts are cream-filled.

I guess my point is... never trust doughnuts. They're full of holes.

Sunday, February 4, 2007

CD Mix #25

Superbowl Sunday... *shrugs* Eh.

I have a complete lack of interest in [American] football and everything associated with it (with the noted exception of oldschool video games like 'Tecmo Bowl', 'Great Football' and 'Madden '93'). Still, I plan to have a great Superbowl Sunday for myself. It's just that instead of revolving the day around a football game, I will dedicate it to getting around to some things I've been meaning to do. I've already cleaned up around the apartment a bit, though I still need to finish vacuuming and cleaning the kitchen. In a few minutes, I think I'm going to sit down and watch a DVD my buddy (and roommate) Ross recently gave to me because he didn't want it. It's The Eagles' "Farewell Tour: Live From Melbourne". Upon checking out the set list on the back cover, it seems this time around they included some of their popular solo hits as well. I'm stoked about checking it all out... For years I've been telling myself to pick up the "Hell Freezes Over" DVD but have still yet to. ("HFO" by the way is a FANTASTIC concert experience! Whether or not you're an Eagles fan, check it out!)

In the meantime, I just finished burning my overdue CD Mix #25. I've continued to be slammed with a lot of great music lately, much of which is new to me. So without blabbing on anymore about random crap, here's the new mix:

  • "English Tea" - Paul McCartney
  • "One Too Many Mornings" - The Chemical Brothers
  • "Seven Days In Sunny June" - Jamiroquai
  • "I Wanna Fuck You" - Akon & Snoop Dogg
  • "We're The Pet Shop Boys" - Robbie Williams & The Pet Shop Boys
  • "2 Steps Back" - Craig David
  • "Venus As A Boy" - Bjork
  • "Mantra (Single Version)" - Anggun
  • "Waiting In Vain" - Bob Marley & The Wailers
  • "Phenomenon" - LL Cool J
  • "Lovelight" - Robbie Williams
  • "My Love" - Justin Timberlake & T.I. & Timbaland
  • "Everybody's Changing" - Keane
  • "N Dey Say" - Nelly
  • "Never Touch That Switch" - Robbie Williams
  • "Hey Lover" - LL Cool J & Boyz II Men
  • "Jappa Road" - Ween
  • "The End Of The Tour" - They Might Be Giants

Sunday, January 28, 2007

Star Spangled Anger

It has been very apparent to me over the last few years that our lovely [United States] government has become increasingly inadequate and corrupted. The benevolence of its very creation has long since faded, and our Founding Fathers would mostly be disgusted with the direction we have taken with it over the last two centuries. I know I am.

Have we made gradual progress in certain areas of everyday society? Of course we have. However, I strongly feel that we should be much further along the "peace and prosperity" train-ride than we currently are.


How can such a great concept be raped and slaughtered by so many unwilling people? How can our most basic rights, as the caretakers of this beautiful ball in the salted heavens, be so completely ignored and denied on a day-to-day basis. Something has gone awry here. Something just isn't right. But one thing I have learned in my insignificant little existance is that it is never too late to fix it.

The government was originally formed to protect and serve our nation's citizens. Yet somehow I'm not convinced they even care about any of us as individuals. Why do we still have a "homeless problem" for instance? There's no money to be made there. It's sad, but true. That is our world now. It's all about money, and if you have none you simply just don't matter anymore.

This is how my government makes me feel on a regular basis. Yet still I go to my job everyday and pay my taxes. I obey our laws. I respect our public buildings and resources. And I make a conscious effort to help the world grow a tiny bit better every day. More simply, I am an upstanding citizen. Somewhat of a poster child for American stability.

And tonight, I feel like my own government has betrayed me. They have stripped away my freedom on a much more personal level. It's as if my desires are irrelevant and my feelings are disposable. I'm not sure I'll ever be able to forgive them for that.

Tonight, I have lost a bit more faith in humanity...

Daaa Bars

Here I am, still recovering from Friday. Here's my list of drinks for the night...

At my place:

  • 3 shots of Sailor Jerry (rum)

At the bar:

  • 1 Bacardi & Coke
  • 1 shot of Jagermeister
  • 2 shots of Yukon Jack
  • 1 Bacardi on the rocks
  • 1 shot of Southern Comfort
  • 2 shots of Bacardi
  • 2 glasses of Bud Light

At my place after the bar:

  • 2 more shots of Sailor Jerry


.... Quit being an asshole.

Wednesday, January 24, 2007

Random Thought Of The Day

Whenever people ask me about my sex life, I'm not always sure what to tell them. I mean, I do consider myself to be sexually active, but in reality I'm probably much closer to being 'sexually dormant'.

Finding the right people is important... (and apparantly rare)

Monday, January 15, 2007

The Corners Of My Mind

They say that smell is the sense most closely linked to memory. I agree with them... whomever they are.

I was in Walgreens an hour ago browsing for some items on my list, when I went through the stationary isle. Upon spotting a box of crayons, I had the bizarre urge to smell it. Instantly, I was transported back to a time when rainbows were the greatest thing in the world. A time when my biggest worry in life was just trying to stay inside the lines. And though we'd often create the most horrific compositions man has yet to see on paper, our parents would still display their pride by hanging those atrocities on the center of the family refrigerator. It was a time when color seemed like magic, and crayons were our own special little wands...

Where did that time go? I want it back.

Tuesday, January 9, 2007

You Say You Want A Resolution

For the past few months I have had many random plans for the New Year slicing through my brain. Call it a cranial thunderstorm if you will. Since then, I have been able to further define those plans; organizing and prioritizing them into the most logical order. But tonight I realize a simple way to sum them all up in one collective resolution.

I plan to take 2007 and make it my bitch.