Thursday, August 23, 2007

Hypnotic Angel

She flowed to me like a waterfall in the moonlight
her mist engulfed me
and all i could do was shed a tear as my lungs inhaled her
the cliffside shadows danced in the aquatine reflections
as if they were playing with the night breeze
the pit of my stomach felt queezy
partly because i couldn't stand the thought of spending one more night without her
but also because i really needed to take a dump
i shouldn't have eaten that shiny can of delicious pork and beans
it was their intoxicating bouquet that seduced me

Thursday, August 16, 2007

Down In The Count

You may not know this about me, but once upon a time, I was a ballplayer. I wasn't just a casual observer or an unrealistic dreamer... I was a ballplayer. I lived and breathed the game. It flowed through me like oxygen. Instead of blood, for many years my heart pumped hardball through my veins. Once upon a time, baseball was my life.

It was already somewhat of a reality for me. I was successful. I was a professional. I played third base for my favorite team growing up, the Seattle Mariners. I wore the number nine on my back, just like one of my heroes, John Olerud. I played along side of other guys I also idolized through a child's eyes. These guys in a certain way were like older brothers to me. And here I was, playing at their side; working together to become the best we could be. It was a dream come true.

I may not have been the best in history, but I was good. I worked harder on improving my game than any of my colleagues. I hustled out every infield grounder, no matter how routine. And if I was brushed off the plate occasionally, I was that more determined to make the pitcher pay with his precious ERA. I was good. I was well respected among my teammates and hometown fans. I even broke a few club records and made a couple all-star rosters. I can still remember the feel of the hard Kingdome turf under my feet. The smell of stale hotdogs and nachos... the thousands of random voices echoing against the dull grey concrete walls... the brightly lit scoreboard and colorful surrounding signs. I was a grown man with the heart of a starry-eyed kid beating inside his chest, and I cherished every moment of it.

Regardless of what you may think, or what you assume to be true... regardless of what you believe to have been the case... this dream died for one reason, and one reason alone. I was scared. That's it.

I was just scared.

In my real playing days, I was a nervous wreck. Each time one of my coaches would sit me out for an inning here or there, a big part of me would heave a sigh of relief. The other part of course, immediately felt guilty and knew it was wrong for me to feel that way. Unfortunately, the fear was too much. I didn't know how to deal with so much anxiety; so much fear. And many chapters later, it turns out that this fear cost me my dream. And since I've slowly come to realize this fact, a part of me has died.

I still love the game. I can still hear the crack of the bat. I can still tell you exactly where the ball will land from the contact it makes with the batter's swing. I can still feel my arms swing away when I haven't held a bat in years. It will always be in my blood. Once upon a time, I was a ballplayer...

And somewhere deep inside, I still am.

Monday, August 6, 2007

Affirmation

I believe the sun should never set upon an argument
I believe we place our happiness in other people's hands
I believe that junk food tastes so good because it's bad for you
I believe your parents did the best job they knew how to do
I believe that beauty magazines promote low self-esteem
I believe I'm loved when I'm completely by myself alone

I believe in Karma what you give is what you get returned
I believe you can't appreciate real love 'til you've been burned
I believe the grass is no more greener on the other side
I believe you don't know what you've got until you say goodbye

I believe you can't control or choose your sexuality
I believe that trust is more important than monogamy
I believe your most attractive features are your heart and soul
I believe that family is worth more than money or gold
I believe the struggle for financial freedom is unfair
I believe the only ones who disagree are millionaires

I believe in Karma what you give is what you get returned
I believe you can't appreciate real love 'til you've been burned
I believe the grass is no more greener on the other side
I believe you don't know what you've got until you say goodbye

I believe forgiveness is the key to your unhappiness
I believe that wedded bliss negates the need to be undressed
I believe that God does not endorse TV evangelists
I believe in love surviving death into eternity

I believe in Karma what you give is what you get returned
I believe you can't appreciate real love 'til you've been burned
I believe the grass is no more greener on the other side
I believe you don't know what you've got until you say goodbye


--- "Affirmation" by Savage Garden

Wednesday, August 1, 2007

The Leap Home

I have been a Quantum Leap fan ever since I watched the premier episode many years ago. It has been only recently, however, that I rediscovered the series through the eyes of an adult. What an adventure it takes you on; what a journey...

By now many of you know that I no longer watch television on a regular basis. But I do still cherish the shows I either grew up with or deeply respect... in many cases, both. Quantum Leap is one of those shows.

I believe that the single most important quality of "sucking" viewers into a show is creating an atmosphere that said viewer can escape to. It all has to do with the viewer being able to relate to the characters... and at the very least, the concept. This must be how Sam Beckett and his holographic buddy Al got me hooked so many years ago.

Sometimes I think I might as well trade places with Sam. In many ways, I already feel like I'm experiencing the same life he is. Jumping from life to life, experience to experience... unable to find the time to let them soak in and enjoy the rewards. I often feel like my goal is to help people down paths they would have never followed if they hadn't been a part of my life. Does that make any sense? Oh well... it does to me.

The bottom line is, Sam Beckett and I have much in common. We are both willing to sacrifice our own conventional lives to something much greater than ourselves... to help others succeed in theirs. Perhaps it is in this sense that we fulfill our own desire to belong; to have a purpose. Some might say that Sam was the most unknown hero ever to walk the Earth. To hell with fame. I find myself wishing I could be an unknown hero too.