Wednesday, September 28, 2005

Down By The Fire

An interesting question was recently brought up by someone online:

'Is a threesome a sub-category of an orgy?'

...This made me think, and sparked this reply of mine...

"Okay people, let me clear this shit up for you right now...

An "orgy", as defined in Ryan's 21st Century Dictionary, is "a whole lotta sex between five or more people". That's right, five. And we're not including little kids, family members or animals. There's a different name for that act. It's called Nebraska. But anyway, let me break it down a bit more.

5+: You have five people getting it on, that's an orgy. Maybe you have ten people all blowing and fingering each other. That's impressive... but still an orgy.

4: This is a foursome. Not quite reaching orgy status. These are most commonly involving two couples (MFMF), which is why it does not qualify as an orgy. If all four people happen to be men, it's probably taking place in a locker room before a football game, in which case it could be referred to as a "pre-game ritual". If all four happen to be women, I call it "neato".... that is, after I'm done jerking off all over myself. If it is (MMMF), it's probably happening at a frat house, and the chick is getting stuffed full of hot man chowder with a side of VD. But if the foursome happens to be (FFFM), I only hope the guy is me. A guy like that (assuming he didn't pay for it), is a god. A real asshole, sure, because I can't even get laid by ONE chick anymore... but still, he's a hero to men everywhere.

3: This is a threesome. Obviously not an orgy. Unfortunately, I'm the one person who ever existed and has not had the opportunity to try something like this, so I cannot specify the exact procedure of the common threesome. But I'll bet it involves a lot of blow-munching and fingers in random vaginas. Probably also involves lots of discolored stainsand a Barry White album oozing through the speakers...

2: The common "sex" had by most. One on one... just like that old Nintendo game, Jordan vs. Bird... except this one on one is much nastier (and more fun to score on too). "Two-somes" usually involves a couple who is dating, and in the phase where they tell each other sweet things like "Don't answer the phone. Just let it ring. By the way, should I pull out and fuck your ass a little bit?". The married version of two-some sex is a bit different however. Not much is actually known about sex in a marriage. It is said to be quite rare. But those scattered reports we have hint at these same occurances:

Kissing, groping, worrying about children, headaches, frustration, blue-balls, name-calling, an issue of Maxim, a jar of Vaseline and a night of silence to follow.

...Our scientists are still studying the evidence and formulating a new theory. More on that later.

1: Obviously not an orgy. An orgy may be taking place in your mind, but not in reality. This is how I generally end up spending my Saturday nights. It sucks, but at least I don't have to shower or buy fucking jewelry..."

Saturday, September 24, 2005

...And All That Was

Well, the concert was fucking amazing... as I knew it would be. Since Wayne had never been to a concert before, it was the perfect way to introduce him to the experience. NIN is the favorite band of both of us, and I hadn't seen them yet either.

After parking for the show we made our way towards Key Arena (the venue), which basically sits under the Space Needle. As we got to the gates, security was doing something I've never seen before. All men had to enter through the left side doors, and all women through the right. All we know is that it had to do with the way they were searching everyone for weapons. It's funny, I saw Van Halen at this very venue late last year, and there were no searches. Apparantly, Nine Inch Nails fans must be abnormally voilent and uncontrollable. Whatever.

After avoiding entry in order to share a Bacardi 50ml bottle in a nearby restroom, we finally made our way into the arena. A band called Autolux was already playing. They sounded interesting and somewhat instrumental, but their set was pretty much over by the time we found our seats. Enter: Queens Of The Stone Age. These guys were pretty good. Unfortunately, I would have enjoyed their set much more if I was more familiar with their stuff. I do have their album "Songs For The Deaf" and I did recognize a couple of songs I knew, as well as others I should pull up and listen to. It was great to hear "No One Knows" live. I love that song. But really, we went to see our friend Trent. Anyone else just doesn't begin to compare.

The lights soon went down, and one of the best shows I've ever seen then began.

It started with sporadically flashing lights and a layer or two of fog... just enough to see the silhouettes of Trent and the gang as they took their places on stage. It was completely unreal. As if we had recreated the ultimate NIN show on a holodeck, and Trent was playing just for us. We reveled throughout the entire set. And here it was (in order):
  • Pinion
  • Love Is Not Enough
  • Wish
  • Terrible Lie
  • The Line Begins to Blur
  • March Of The Pigs
  • The Frail
  • The Wretched
  • Closer
  • Burn
  • Gave Up
  • Eraser
  • Right Where It Belongs
  • Beside You In Time
  • You Know What You Are
  • Sin
  • Only
  • Not So Pretty Now [NEW]
  • Deep
  • Down In It
  • Hurt
  • The Hand That Feeds
  • Starfuckers, Inc.
  • Head Like A Hole

Sunday, September 18, 2005


It's funny how my toughts will stray
it happens mostly when I drink
my sense of self will lose its way
my mind can never cease to think

it shouldn't happen, this i know
for well intentioned souls like me
while dreams are faded; chances blown
denied my piece of destiny

i don't know what to do in life
it's more confusing all the time
forget my talents, find a wife?
or should i save up every dime?

this world is funny in that way
it smiles as it teases you
but all the while it turns each day
not caring if you're ready to

my life grows shorter with each year
yet still i always feel the same
it seems as though i'm losing here
and life is only now a game

a competition with myself
is what i like to think of it
but money power sex and health
are things that other people get

i hope to someday find the cure
to this disease inside of me
its beauty both unique and pure
will show me who i want to be

Thursday, September 15, 2005

Optimistic River

I'm a little overdue for somewhat of a positive post. So here are some things I've either really been loving about life recently, or things that I'm very excited about for the [near] future. These are the thoughts that have been flowing through me lately:

  • Next Wednesday, Wayne will be coming over from Montana. I have that Thursday & Friday off (as well as the following Monday) so we can hang out and party a bit. We're going to forget all the shit in our lives and just have the fun we never get to have. On Friday, I'm taking him to see NIN (Nine Inch Nails). NIN is not only our favorite band, but it just so happens Wayne has never been to a concert before. We've always agreed to go see them the next chance we had, and this is it. I bought the tickets the morning they went on sale and I'm not letting him pay me back... it's my treat. I haven't seen NIN before either, so in a way it'll be a first for both of us. It will be unreal. ... As for Wayne himself, he just got a new job he really likes, and he sounds happier than he has been in quite awhile.
  • ...And I haven't told him yet, but I also have plenty of other fun things planned for us to do that weekend. We're going to hit some fun bars on crowded nights, listen to some majorly kickass music, watch some classic films, go get some fantabulicious meals, etc.
  • My new job seems like it's going to be pretty good for me. It'll be a lot of computer work, which I like, VERY close to home, and I can go home for lunch everyday now.
  • First thing Monday morning, before my orientation, I found an abandoned brown kitten in the parking garage. He was crying for someone, so I picked him up and carried him with me into the hospital. An older lady asked me if I was bringing my friend into the hospital for care, and I told her the situation. Just then, a female employee walked in the entrance, who I assume was a nurse. I showed her the scared little purry guy and told her I found him up in the parking garage. I then asked her if she knew where I could take him. She told me she could take him, and that I'd be giving him to an office full of cat lovers. I knew he'd be in good hands, so I handed him to her and he just kept on purring. That made me feel good.
  • Those new cymbals sound awesome! They remind me of Ringo's sound, which is why I got them in the first place. :)
  • My good friend Dian has expressed interest in moving to the United States at some point soon. I'm very excited for her, and hope to help with the process any way I can. It's a tough process for her, but I know she can do it if she really wants to. Maybe she'll even decide on this part of the country and we could start hanging out in real life. Who knows what that could possibly lead to. I'm incredibly anxious to find out. You never know...
  • I'm in a much better spot financially. Don't get me wrong, I'm still pretty much broke, but now I have my accounts set up the way I want them, with intent to get them going once and for all. As you know, I just started a new job, so it'll take a month or so to get back into saving mode.
  • Laura is now married, and she seems very happy. I don't remember the last time I've seen her so .... at peace with herself. Okay, so I don't usually get to "see" her, I guess I can only "read" her to be happy. But she is, and that's awesome. I'm happy for her (and Kyle)! :) She's been long overdue for some relaxation... especially of the mind.
  • A woman I've casually dated a few times in the previous months has contacted me out of the blue, after a month or so of no communication between us. She wants to start hanging out again and I think it would be really fun. So we'll be going out for drinks later this week.
  • I've been checking out lots of new music lately... new to me, at least. There's so much great stuff out there nowadays. Sometimes I feel guilty when people say "they don't make good music anymore". They do actually. It's out there, it just may not be in the spotlight right now.
  • And on top of everything else... I get the new copy of Premiere in my mailbox, and Charlize is right there looking me in the eyes.

Sunday, September 11, 2005

Drunken Rant # 2

Sometimes I hate myself and everything I am.

I saw a girl I would be happy with. She was a short blonde with black glasses. Those pouty lips I love so much, and a mouth that didn't hold back. Her name was Jessi, short for Jessica. She was engaged for three years to her fiance named Joe. This I squeezed out of her myself...

I went out to three different places tonight. Usual places. The third place was the so called "charm". This is where I met her. Her mom was even hot. Surprising when I found out that Jessi was her daughter. I was sitting in the booth next to the family, trying to mind my business and drinking my Bacardi & Cokes. Eventually, Jessi asked if she could sit at my booth (next to her family), and I of course said "sure, no problem". After awhile, she ended up sitting on my side of the booth, right next to me. It was then I asked her name and offered mine. I did everything I could to keep the conversation going. I asked her if she was married, because I had earlier noticed a ring on her finger. That's when she told me she was engaged. I replied with, "That's just my goddamn luck." Then I said to her, "Just for the record, if you weren't engaged, I'd totally be hitting on you right now. But I don't want to mess up a good thing." We talked a little bit more, all the while I secretly fantasized about actually having a chance with her. And eventually, she was called away by her family.

Throughout the night, I just sat there hoping she would come back to me to talk. But it was all wishful thinking. She had so much family around her, and guys circling her, all hanging around, waiting for their chance to strike. I wanted to give her my number and tell her if for any chance it didn't work out, and she was single again, to give me a call. But I never had that opportunity. And it soon occurred to me that I really have no chance in this society. I blow every opportunity I touch. I'm a disease; a virus to hope itself. I will never fit in, no matter how hard I try.

On the way home, I had so much frustration inside, I felt like crying. That's quite a statement coming from someone who is typically so emotionally absent. As much as I have tried to learn and observe, I still cannot make it happen. It's as if I was never meant for it. Perhaps I was only meant to look in from the outside... I can see the store of adventure, but it is always closed in my presence. All I can ever do is look through the window and hope I don't catch a glare.


Joe is her fiance. That name is a curse. "Joe" is also Liz's husband's name. If you don't know who Liz is, check under "Ryan's lifelong torture".

Friday, September 9, 2005

Mix CD #14

It's that time again. My new mix CD for the car (in track order):

  • "Woke Up This Morning" - Alabama 3
  • "Getting Scared" - Imogen Heap
  • "One Word (Chris Cox Radio Edit)" - Kelly Osbourne
  • "The Distance" - Cake
  • "Baby C'mon" - Boyz II Men
  • "Under The Tracks" - Creeper Lagoon
  • "They" - Jem
  • "Escape" - Enrique Iglesias
  • "Fair" - Ben Folds Five
  • "Montana" - Venus Hum
  • "Generals And Majors" - XTC
  • "Tribute" - Tenacious D
  • "Teardrop" - Massive Attack
  • "Stitched Up" - Herbie Hancock (featuring John Mayer)
  • "Freetime" - Kenna
  • "One Arm Break" - Zero 7

I'm in the middle of discovering some different stuff I haven't heard before, so I already have a couple tracks set aside for mix #15. The first track set aside for that mix... "Don't Stop" by Brazilian Girls. They have some great shit. (And by "shit", I actually mean "songs".)

Tuesday, September 6, 2005

The Countdown Begins

One more week of freedom. One more week of fun.
One more week of finding time to message everyone.
One more week of relaxation.
One more week of bliss.
One more week before I have a higher ass to kiss.

Next monday, my NEO starts. That's "New Employee Orientation" if you don't know. I just find it funny that I can call it "My NEO". You'd think I was the chosen one or something. But somehow, I know it won't be as glamorous. I mean, they probably won't even teach us any kung-fu! Although if they did, that would be rad.

Still, I've been feeling better this past week. Yesterday was particuarly pleasant in fact. My dad took me down to Guitar Center ( to check out some deals on music equipment. He had given me a $50 gift card last Christmas, and I still hadn't used it because I was never quite sure what to get. So we went down there, and he talked me into picking up some cymbals (for drums). After thinking about it, it was quite the perfect idea. Whenever we go up to the studio to jam, I always borrow the "house cymbals" to put on the drum kits they keep there. (The house cymbals are really bad quality ones, mostly throwaways and donations.) So he bought me, with his own money plus the card, a brand new set of Zildjian cymbals... quite close to the same kind Ringo played. They are $750 cymbals together (crash, ride & two hi-hats), but due to the Labor Day sale, and the fact that he paid cash, he was able to grab them for $300. So I'm all excited to try them out on Sunday. Plus, I can use them on my electronic set when I'm able to set that back up.

Another reason yesterday was pleasant was because I received a call from halfway around the world for the first time. Although I didn't want Di to have a huge phone bill, she still called me up and talked for a good three minutes. Eventually she got cut off, but it was great, and quite the experience even though I sounded like a stupid asshole. I told her later that it was so strange because I know her so well, yet I'm not used to hearing her voice. She has a great one too. :) So that was cool.

So this week I'll be sending some more stuff off that sold on ebay, making my calls and taking care of whatever else I can before Monday. I'll keep you updated because I know you're all on the edge of your seats. :P

Friday, September 2, 2005

Strange Days

Sober reasons I love the film Strange Days:

"One man's mundane and desperate existance is another man's Technicolor."

"I love your eyes, Lenny. I love the way they see."

"She could take all the hurt and rage in the entire world and lift it up to Heaven in one voice."

Drunken Rant version of reasons I love the film Strange Days:

I love it because I now realize that Lenny Nero, the main character, is basically me in another world. Tortured by the one who inspired him to be everything is now; completely different than everything he once was. His only motivation in life is to make her happy even though she is no longer in his life. Minor issues like that do not stall guys like us. We want to believe. We want it so badly that it soon becomes all we know. Yet, Lenny has so much potential. He could sell water to seahorse and never break a sweat. He has all the tools other guys would love to have, but he can never be complete. Not without her. For she is the missing piece to his puzzle of life. Without her, life will never be complete anyway. The best we can hope for, is to start a new puzzle on the side. An unknown puzzle filled with inexperience and awkwardness. Hoping only that posthumous dreams can be realized somewhere close to the magnitude of the first. This
is why we still exist. That hope, as insignificant as it may seem...