Wednesday, September 28, 2005

Down By The Fire

An interesting question was recently brought up by someone online:

'Is a threesome a sub-category of an orgy?'

...This made me think, and sparked this reply of mine...

"Okay people, let me clear this shit up for you right now...

An "orgy", as defined in Ryan's 21st Century Dictionary, is "a whole lotta sex between five or more people". That's right, five. And we're not including little kids, family members or animals. There's a different name for that act. It's called Nebraska. But anyway, let me break it down a bit more.

5+: You have five people getting it on, that's an orgy. Maybe you have ten people all blowing and fingering each other. That's impressive... but still an orgy.

4: This is a foursome. Not quite reaching orgy status. These are most commonly involving two couples (MFMF), which is why it does not qualify as an orgy. If all four people happen to be men, it's probably taking place in a locker room before a football game, in which case it could be referred to as a "pre-game ritual". If all four happen to be women, I call it "neato".... that is, after I'm done jerking off all over myself. If it is (MMMF), it's probably happening at a frat house, and the chick is getting stuffed full of hot man chowder with a side of VD. But if the foursome happens to be (FFFM), I only hope the guy is me. A guy like that (assuming he didn't pay for it), is a god. A real asshole, sure, because I can't even get laid by ONE chick anymore... but still, he's a hero to men everywhere.

3: This is a threesome. Obviously not an orgy. Unfortunately, I'm the one person who ever existed and has not had the opportunity to try something like this, so I cannot specify the exact procedure of the common threesome. But I'll bet it involves a lot of blow-munching and fingers in random vaginas. Probably also involves lots of discolored stainsand a Barry White album oozing through the speakers...

2: The common "sex" had by most. One on one... just like that old Nintendo game, Jordan vs. Bird... except this one on one is much nastier (and more fun to score on too). "Two-somes" usually involves a couple who is dating, and in the phase where they tell each other sweet things like "Don't answer the phone. Just let it ring. By the way, should I pull out and fuck your ass a little bit?". The married version of two-some sex is a bit different however. Not much is actually known about sex in a marriage. It is said to be quite rare. But those scattered reports we have hint at these same occurances:

Kissing, groping, worrying about children, headaches, frustration, blue-balls, name-calling, an issue of Maxim, a jar of Vaseline and a night of silence to follow.

...Our scientists are still studying the evidence and formulating a new theory. More on that later.

1: Obviously not an orgy. An orgy may be taking place in your mind, but not in reality. This is how I generally end up spending my Saturday nights. It sucks, but at least I don't have to shower or buy fucking jewelry..."

1 comment:

  1. hehe Thanks, Ro! I don't mind at all. :)

    You're right, I think they should start calling it a "suck-job". Seems that would be much more appropriate, you know. Either that, or "please-don't-use-your-teeth-and-look-out-because-i'm-about-to-fill-your-mouth-with-man-chowder-job".

    But I'm sure they don't refer to it as that just because that kinda sounds all gross.