Monday, December 27, 2004

Quote Of The Day

Quote to ponder:

"Mentors have a way of seeing more of our faults than we would like. It's the only way we grow."

---Padmé Amidala (in 'Attack Of The Clones')

Monday, December 20, 2004

X-mas In A Handbasket

A summary of my Christmas gifts bought so far:

20 Candles

2 DVDs

2 DVD Box Sets

1 Movie Quiz Board game/DVD combination

2 CDs

3 Boxes of chocolate

$80 in scratch tickets

2 picture frames (with pics)

3 Perfume/lotion gift sets

2 $40 gift certificates

2 crystal-like-etched image thingies (I don't really know what the hell they are)

..... and my balls up in a debt tree.

Sunday, December 19, 2004


Thought Of The Day:

When the coroner in a small town dies, who hauls his body away?

Wednesday, December 8, 2004


imagine there's no heaven

it's easy if you try

no hell below us

above us only sky

imagine all the people

living for today

imagine there's no countries

it isn't hard to do

nothing to kill or die for

and no religion too

imagine all the people

living life in peace

you may say i'm a dreamer

but i'm not the only one

i hope someday you'll join us

and the world will live as one

imagine no possessions

i wonder if you can

no need for greed or hunger

a brotherhood of man

imagine all the people

sharing all the world

you may say i'm a dreamer

but i'm not the only one

i hope someday you'll join us

and the world will live as one

---"Imagine" by John Lennon

Twenty-four years ago today, John was shot four times in the back on the sidewalk of his own home. He died two hours later. He was 40.

We miss you, John.

Tuesday, December 7, 2004

Frustration Station

Why is it that everything always seems to go wrong simultaneously? It's as if really bad days are written in the journal of the near future. Today it was my car. It has been messed up for weeks... no dome lights, an auto-reseting clock, suddenly losing my radio... that I can get by on temporarily. Tonight on my way home from work, it starts jerking when I change gears. It did the same thing last year, and I had to get it "power flushed". I'm not even too sure what that means, but all I know is I don't have the money for it right now (damn Christmas presents!). So tommorow I am going to skip work and try to get my car worked on. I'll borrow money from my parents if I have to (and then pay them back of course on payday). I just hope it's not too serious, or else I very well might be shopping around for a different one later this month.

Though I was incredibly distraught throughout the evening, things got a bit better when I found out a good friend of mine, Rob, was in town. I hadn't seen him for a few years, so I went to catch up with him and his family. It's still hard to imagine my once closest friend now with a wife and two daughters. Oh and did I mention he's younger than me by about a year?! Things seem to be going well for him which is great of course. We still talked video games passionately like we always did, and it was like a wave of nostalgia crashing over me. It's something I miss. Unfortunately, things are different now. He has family, he has priorities, and we don't live that close to each other anymore. Things change, that's why you should enjoy the good times while they last.

I must admit one thing though... I may not want to have children of my own, but watching his little daughters playing somehow gave me a desire to rethink that for an instant.

Anyway, as you can see I've added my most recent pic here now! I'd prefer to move it to my profile, but I'm having trouble publishing it there. So for awhile, I'll just keep it here. At least now I know how to post images, and I'll be sharing new and/or relevant pics as they apply. :)


"You live in a box. I could lift the lid... let some light in."

---Sara Deever (in 'Sweet November')

Rob & me @ his wedding on July 31st, 1999

Monday, December 6, 2004

Thursday, December 2, 2004

Alive in '05

Well it's that time of year again. Time to save up your money so you can spend it all on other people. Time to plan out your weekends to figure out how much shopping to do. Time to go to the liquor store to buy plenty of "stress-reducing spirits". Hey, when they say "we all should be in the holiday spirit", now you know what they're referring to. Oh and best of all, it's time once again to get presents!! Yay! I love presents. I can't wait to find out what I might get this year. Will it finally be those things I truly want? I mean, I know I always ask for a Charlize Theron, but I have still yet to get one. And how about a social life? I've always wanted one of those. Or eleventy billion dollars; that's what I could use. C'mon people, this is the time of year for giving... so give me your life savings and I'll give you thanks.

But this coming year, with my luck, I expect to get those things less desirable instead... like excessive liver damage, sexual frustration, intense societal dismay, and perhaps a stocking full of VD.

My pre-New Year's resolutions list is already blossoming into a full fledged assault. It seems each new day my mind thinks up one more way in which I need to improve. I guess that's just part of growing, and in a way I'm glad I do that. It keeps me always striving to be a better person, and not just a cornball jackoff all the time. Today's "note to self": be more confident. Maybe I could if I weren't so fucking stupid.

My week is oddly going well. Work always sucks, but somehow it seems to be flying by this week. I get paid tomorrow which is good, because now I can spend my whole check on rent and Christmas presents. I'm honestly looking forward to buying people stuff. I actually enjoy that. I've also been selling a few things on ebay lately. This is all part of that "downsize my life" project that will carry over well into next year (one of the major resolutions). I will be more specific about my resolutions as they come up throughout the year, but for now I'll just give you a glimpse of what might be in store for me in 2005 (for those of you who actually care): much improved guitar skills, better upper-body build, permanently applied body ink, a surgery or two, confidence boosting mind-set, promiscuity, two+ vacations, more sleep, less worry, more blog posting :), more concerts, expanded music variety and library, improved intellect, make new friends, reconnect broken ties to certain things that made me happy as a kid, and most importantly...more fun!

Where to start? I have my ideas. In fact, many are already in the works. One more month left to go until it's time to show myself what I can do.

2005 will be mine... oh yes, it will be mine. *sadistic grin*

Monday, November 29, 2004

All Fuzzy

So many things have been circling around me. Or maybe the more accurate observation is that I am circling around everything. More thoughts about my life, or rather, my lack of it. Where do I want to be? What do I want to do? How do I want to get there? Who will be there with me? You'd think I'd be the one to answer these questions, wouldn't you? I can't. At this time, I can only offer myself more empty hope.

Nevermind my usual outlook... I am doing well. Things are slowly continuing to fall into place for me. For once in my life I can look into my near future and smile. I may dread going to work each and every day, but I'm raking in money I can save. I am starting to build my savings, as well as a retirement fund. I now have full benefits and a good "in" with upper management, which gives me great opportunity for promotion.

Here's something nobody knows about me yet: I'm most uncomfortable when I feel stupid. This is the thing I fear most, and I revisit that almost everyday at my job. As much as I depise that, I know it has helped me mature much this last year. I am no longer intimidated by answering phones, as I had refused to do at my last job because of overwhelming fear. I'm glad I've stuck with this job longer than any other I've had so far. My boss has already talked with me the possibilities of switching jobs within the company... something that may utilize more of my talents. I am very intrigued with the possibilities. Unfortunately, I'm not sure our company has a "Name three people who starred in this random movie" position. If they did, I'd be the CEO.

I feel somehow abnormally jedi-like in my aspiration to let go of much of my material possesions. Do I really need two TVs? How about those old baseball cards I don't look at? Those hundreds of VHS tapes I haven't watched in years? I am in the process of letting go of many things. Most of all, it's an effective practice for me to remember the things that are most important... memories. Some things are best left as a memory. There's really no point in taking up more space than I have to. I'll just say my ebay account has had much activity lately. :)

Music. It's a re-occurring thing in my life, I know. Somehow once again I'm filled with the inspiration to become a student of music. After a short vacation from my instruments, I've picked up my guitar(s) and put some time into them. Yes, my dad recently gave me one of his electric guitars because he bought a different one, so I have two now. :) He and I have started to go play at a studio every other weekend. It's a really fun time, and I've really surprised myself because I even sing and everything in the jams. Who knew? Coming soon.... recordings??

Things really are going well. My one constant struggle, however, continues to be in the female department. Every night I go out is an inevitible failure to meet someone. It doesn't matter where I go, or how long I stay... nobody offers so much as an interest my way. I'm still not sure what to make of it. I know it's me, but what specifically?? This is the thought that haunts me. I have my own theories of course, but am I really that unattractive? Do I really appear that awkward? Or do I just need to work out more often? Whatever the case, it has inspired me to improve all those areas I need to work on. One thing I do know for sure: I cannot have happiness until I have confidence. This is my motivation...

Thursday, November 4, 2004

A New Plan

It's official. Bush will serve another term.

Now regardless of the fact that I would have voted for a hermaphrodite chimp before considering "W.", I do not feel the need to attack him right now. As far as I know, he won the election fairly. No, my issue is with my fellow Americans. And I'm not going to call anyone names or label them. For instance, you won't be hearing me say that my neighbors in the midwest are degenerate pigfuckers (even though I'm beginning to think that may be accurate). I will also not be pointing out the fact that the south is home to our redneck - pieces of imbred shit - friends. I will not say that because frankly, we already know this to be true. And I'd like to take this time to point out that I am including my homestate of Idaho in this loathing session. Because after all, when you have a state where the most popular activites are rafting, hiking and molesting goats... well I just think it's only fair to include it.

Major Cities in "Kerry" states: New York City, Los Angeles, Chicago, Detroit, Washington D.C., Boston, Seattle, Portland, San Francisco, San Diego, Sacramento, Philadelphia, Pittsburgh, Honolulu, Milwaukee, Green Bay, Minneapolis, Baltimore.

Major cities in "Bush" states: Dallas, Atlanta, Miami, Orlando, Houston, San Antonio, Las Vegas, Reno, Boise, Anchorage, St. Louis, Salt Lake City, New Orleans, Denver, Phoenix, Memphis, Cincinatti, Cleveland, Indianapolis.

...just an observation. And by the way, Vegas is misleading because it was the only county (Clark) in Nevada that actually belonged to Kerry. But since I don't know every fact on all the other cities, I'll give George the benefit. Which group of cities seem more interesting to you? "Talk amongst yourselves." *wavy hand gesture*

Okay so like I said, I am not going to complain (too much) about all this. However, I do find the Electorial Vote system a bit odd. I don't quite understand why certain states get certain amounts of votes, though I know it has to do something with the ralation to the population of each state. So I am now going to offer not only my suggestions on what a new EV system and point total should look like, but I'll also throw in a cliffs notes guide to our wonderful states, for all you newcomers out there. To avoid mass confusion in the future, the United States of America should adopt my brand new, less confusing system. It goes like this:


EV = Electorial Vote
( ) = current EV total

1. Alabama (9 EVs): Alabama is one of the most "southern" states there are... infested with racists and rednecks. For this reason, I would not allow them even one EV. However, I believe that any state you can rhyme with "Mama Jama" deserves at least two votes.

Alabama = 2 EV

2. Alaska (3 EVs): Alaska is by far our biggest state. It coveres an area about the size of half of the U.S.'s mainland. I will give it one for that. However, we only have about 35 people living there. For this reason, added to the fact that it is seperated from the mainland, we tend to think of it as a foreign country... and a cold one at that. After all, how can it really be part of the "United" states, when it isn't even here?

Alaska = 1 EV

3. Arizona (8 EVs): Arizona is a decent state. It's warm throughout the year, and they have the majority of that "Grand Canyon" thingie. I also give Arizona props because the time never changes there. While the rest of the country is wondering when to set their clocks back an hour, Arizonians think to themselves "you poor stupid bastards... it's always nine o'clock this time of night."

Arizona = 4 EV

4. Arkansas (6 EVs): Arkansas is fucked up. Any state that has "Little" in the name of its capital (Little Rock) is not worth considering. Also, the state's name itself, already has the name 'Kansas' in it. Somebody cared so little about this state that they just named it after a different one and threw "Ar" at the beginning to make it sound important. It's not.

Arkansas = 1 EV

5. California (54 EVs): California is probably our best state. After all, this is where all of the beautiful, important people live. Important people, like actors. You know, people who make a living pretending to be someone else. Everybody who feels the desperate need to be "discovered" will live here at one time or another. Breasts aside, this is where the REAL talent is. (Nevermind their muscle-bot, alien-killing bad-ass governor who once got pregnant)

California = 33 EV

6. Colorado (8 EVs): Home of Denver, the "Mile High City". It's named this because it rests in the rocky mountains, some near 6,000 feet above sea level. Any city that has a nickname that refers to having sex in an airplane, is cool in my book. Colorado is also the setting for many great works of art, like "The Shining" and "South Park".

Colorado = 6 EV

7. Connecticut (8 EVs): I don't really know what to say about Connecticut other than I don't understand how they came up with the name. I mean it contains "connect" and "cut". Those two words seem very contrary to each other, and I don't get what they were going for.

Connecticut = 1 EV

8. Delaware (3 EVs): And speaking of things I don't get, what the fuck is up with Delaware? I think Wayne Campbell said it best (with no excitement), "Hi. I'm in Delaware."

Delaware = 1/2 EV

9. Florida (25 EVs): Florida... the land of sunshine and oranges, hurricanes, old people and cuban refugees. Oh, and then there's Disneyworld. It is a big state and a populated one. When picturing Florida, all I can ever think of is seeing Bugs Bunny sawing its border to the mainland and watching it float away into the Atlantic sea. I think of this and I smile.

Florida = 10 EV

10. Georgia (13 EVs): Home of Atlanta, and a shitload of peaches. While Atlanta is a huge happening city, it's in Georgia so I don't really want to go there. An interesting fact about Atlanta... it provided the street names made famous by the game Monopoly. The rest of Georgia is known affectionately as "the part just outside of Atlanta".

Georgia = 4 EV

11. Hawaii (4 EVs): Our most relaxing state, and most traveled to when we head off for vacation. The nice thing about traveling here is that you don't have to trade in your money to get some different kind of currency. At the same time, Hawaii provides you a different language to try and learn. This gives you that false, yet fulfilling sense of "experiencing the world". Also, you have a chance of being singed by molten lava. This would allow you some extra time away from your boring job and pathetic life back home.

Hawaii = 3 EV

12. Idaho (4 EVs): My home state. This is where we discovered potatoes. Idaho is great for outdoor activities such as hiking, skiing, rafting, etc. We're also famous for our landmark terrain, winding rivers, gemstone mines, incestuous relationships, neo-nazi friends... and did I mention potatoes??

Idaho = 4 EV

13. Illinois (22 EVs): Home of Chicago, which used to have a really good basketball team. This makes Chicago important. It's also windy there. ... I don't really have anything else to say about Illinois, except at least it's not Iowa.

Illinois = 5 EV

14. Indiana (12 EVs): Indiana is where they spend their time driving racecars all day. However, on an interesting note, they named the state after a very famous and handsome archeologist.

Indiana = 3 EV

15. Iowa (7 EVs): While standing in a cornfield, Shoeless Joe asked Ray "Is this Heaven?", only to hear Ray's reply, "No, it's Iowa." I find it poetic that Heaven and Iowa are basically complete opposites, yet they were mentioned in the same movie scene. Iowa is home to a very famous baseball field surrounded by a state full of corn.

Iowa = 1 EV (for the baseball field)

16. Kansas (6 EVs): What the people in Kansas do all day is watch for tornadoes. They just sit in trees or hammocks staring at the sky waiting for the next "big one" to hit. When Dorothy said "I don't think we're in Kansas anymore, Toto", I think that was just wishful thinking on her part.

Kansas = 1 EV

17. Kentucky (8 EVs): Home of really fast horses and really big baseball bats. They also make some great fried chicken (try the mashed potatoes and gravy).

Kentucky = 3 EV

18. Louisiana (9 EVs): Home of jazz, cajan soul food and huge-ass freaky misquitos. Louisiana is also home to thousands of drunken horny college girls who will do anything for some beads... and I do mean ANYTHING. Its capital, Baton Rouge... actually inspired Nicole Kidman to become a prostitute, and later portray her story in a movie about the experience (in which they changed the first half of the name for legal reasons).

Louisiana = 5 EV (a couple extra just for having lots of drunk horny college girls.

19. Maine (4 EVs): Maine is where all the lobsters live. It is also the setting for every single book that Stephen King has ever written. Sometimes we forget that Maine is even attached to our country. That is, until we feel like having some lobster...

Maine = 2 EV

20. Maryland (10 EVs): Home of Baltimore. Also the area of our nation's capital, Washington D.C. Baltimore, by the way, is the home of those guys who sang "Tarzan Boy", which was featured in those entertaining Listerine commercials.

Maryland = 3 EV

21. Massachusetts (12 EVs): Home of Boston. Boston is entirely made up of people who can't accurately say the phrase "park the car". They also love to drink because they're mostly irish. They used to have a legendary basketball team, and a "cursed" baseball team. I'm happy to see my friends in "Beantown" finally break that curse. Though I'm confused on one thing... Did they drink to celebrate? And if so, how did they know they were celebrating when they would be getting drunk anyway??

Massachusetts = 7 EV

22. Michigan (18 EVs): This is where we make all of our cars. We also have had many musical artists coming out of the Detroit area. An interesting thing about Detriot is that they decided to name their sports teams after a famous phrase from "The Wizard Of Oz". "Lions and Tigers and Bears, oh my!" Unfortunately, The mayor of Detroit wouldn't let them keep two football teams in town, so they ended up selling the Bears to Mike Ditka in Chicago.

Michigan = 8 EV

23. Minnesota (10 EVs): Minnesota is the land of 10,000 lakes. Nobody knows the origin of this nickname, but legend has it that there were once giants with overactive bladders who ruled the land. In a nod to the "Twin Cites" (St. Paul & Minneapolis), Minnesota gets two EVs.

Minnesota = 2 EV

24. Mississippi (7 EVs): By far the most fun to spell, even providing some giggles from many six year olds (due to the hilarious "P-P"). Unfortunately this state's history is not all fun and games. Many consider it to be our most "racist" state, which is not cool. Basically I think of it as Alabama, only in the mirror. And Mississippi doesn't have the cool rhyming thing.

Mississippi = 1 EV

25. Missouri (11 EVs): With Missouri, I don't get the whole Kansas City thing. I mean, is it in Missouri? Is it in Kansas? Where the hell is it?!? Perhaps I should blame Kansas for this confusion. Then again, Kansas is already fucked up enough. But that Arch thing is neat.

Missouri = 3 EV

26. Montana (3 EVs): Our fourth largest state, and home of the... people who live in Montana. The "Big Sky" state is known for it's beautiful scenery, vast outdoors, huge ranches, and guys who bang farm animals. This is also where the FBI found the Unibomber living in a tiny shack a few years back.

Montana = 3 EV

27. Nebraska (5 EVs): Can we get rid of Nebraska? I don't mean to offend anybody. Oh wait, I guess I won't... nobody lives there anyway. That's not true. This, I believe, is where they host the college baseball world series. That's enough reason for me to not play college baseball. My tip for Nebraska: try adding a hill or two to add some variety for shit sake!

Nebraska = 1 EV

28. Nevada (5 EVs): Nevada is a state of pure wonder. As in, I wonder why the fuck it's so big and nobody lives there. Las Vegas is very entertaining. You can spend weeks within one two-mile area and still not see everything. It's my favorite "getaway" spot, and I always look forward to going back. Reno is like Vegas, but smaller. Think of Vegas as a Triple Quarter Pounder with cheese value meal supersized with a coke and double cheeseburger on the side. Reno would be a happy meal where you get a cool little toy. Don't get me wrong, Reno is a fun little getaway in itself, but sometimes you feel like giving your senses a grand feast. That's what Vegas is. Then there's Lake Tahoe, which much like Kansas City, doesn't know where it belongs. It's also the lake where many illegal Californians sneak over to Nevada in their canoes.

Nevada = 8 EVs

29. New Hampshire (4 EVs): I'm not sure why they say this Hampshire is so "new". From what I know, it's been there awhile. I'm also not sure why it was even built in the first place. Shouldn't we sell it to Canada or something? Maybe we can get some good hockey players out of the deal...

New Hampshire = 1 EV

30. New Jersey (15 EVs): This is where Atlantic City is. That's the convenient "Vegas getaway" for New Yorkers because it's so close to them. A more accurate description would be like Reno on the east coastline. But instead of old people, it would be mostly rude people with goofy accents.

New Jersey = 3 EVS

31. New Mexico (5 EVs): The lone city in New Mexico, Albuquerque, is the only thing Rand McNally even bothers keeping track of. This state is so uninteresting that they couldn't even think of a name for it. After awhile they just give up and said "Okay just name a country somewhere near us".... and so someone said "Mexico". Then the first guy said "Great, let's just put 'New' in front of it to make it sound more important. It worked for New Hampshire!"

New Mexico = 1 EV

32. New York (33 EVs): This, of course, is one of our most populated states, and home to our biggest city (NYC). Full of culture, musicals, networks, taxis, pedestrians, businesses, buildings, criminals, stocks, celebrities, obscenities and probably lots of VD. They are a proud people who have a legendary baseball dynasty (which completely choked this season and made everyone look bad). Their firefighters, police and emergency workers are among the best in the world and we are happy to call them Americans. They earn New York extra points.

New York = 27 EV

33. North Carolina (14 EVs): I'm having trouble understanding why the Carolinas were split into North and South. I don't understand the point when neither one of them has anything interesting in it. Why not keep them together and just call it "Carolina"?? Oh well, at least it seems to be on James Taylor's mind.

North Carolina = 3 EV

34. North Dakota (3 EVs): This is the other North/South combination that confuses me. Was having Bismarck and Pierre just too darn much for Dakota to handle? Is that why they had to split them up? Can somebody explain this to me please?

North Dakota = 2 EV

35. Ohio (21 EVs): This is the home of Cincinatti, Cleveland, Columbus and a bunch of other cities that start with "C". It's also one of the states that borders on the Great Lakes. Ohio's claim to fame: In the traditional opening of "The Drew Carey Show", Drew's voice can be heard echoing "Ohio".

Ohio = 7 EV

36. Oklahoma (8 EVs): The only things ever to come out of this state is a legendary musical, and Hanson. The people who were paid to name the capital city were so anxious to leave, they said "Just call it Oklahoma City. See ya!"

Oklahoma = 1 EV

37. Oregon (7 EVs): Oregon is home to some of the worst drivers I've ever seen. These people are horrid drivers and they like to protest a lot. They have some nice towns along the coast, and a great dairy town (Tillamok). Oregon's claim to fame: Coast town Astoria has been the setting in many movies. Among them: Kindergarten Cop, The Goonies & Short Circuit.

Oregon = 5 EV

38. Pennsylvania (23 EVs): Pennsylvanians are credited for many inventions. They invented cheesesteaks, steel, the amish, and even Will Smith. The state regularly apologizes for containing Pittsburgh. Fun fact: Pittsburgh's major sports teams all sport black, white and gold.

Pennsylvania = 9 EV

39. Rhode Island (4 EVs): Our tiniest state. I look down my underpants and sometimes I think I'm toting around something bigger than this state. This state is so small that I feel sorry for it. Just to make it feel better, I'll give it a couple EVs.

Rhode Island = 2 EV

40. South Carolina (8 EVs): [See 'North Carolina']

South Carolina = 2 EV

41. South Dakota (3 EVs): Home of Sturgis, the famous annual bike rally town. Bikers come from all over the country each year to meet up, party, drink, bang, smoke, and do whatever the hell they want. South Dakota is also home to the famous Mount Rushmore, a giant stone carving monument to four of our greatest presidents (Washington, Lincoln, Jefferson & Roosevelt).

South Dakota = 3 EV

42. Tennessee (11 EVs): Home of Memphis, the country music capital of the world. This is why I avoid this place like the plague. Also home to Graceland, Elvis Presley's burial site and fan shrine. Referring to the belief that "The King" is still alive, they say "50 million Elvis fans can't be wrong." Maybe 50 million Bush voters can be...

Tennessee = 6 EV

43. Texas (34 EVs): Texas is the place where all the redneck billionaire oil tycoons live. It's also where we keep most of the imbred whackjobs. The great state of Texas is home to humidity, oil, armadillos, and a hatred towards its Mexican neighbors. Texans don't even think of Texas as a state anymore, but rather, a country. I hope the great country of Texas doesn't declare war on us anytime soon.

Texas = 19 EV

44. Utah (5 EVs): When a young woman mentions that she's from Utah, the sales clerk replies "Oh. Sorry.". This is a very appropriate response to the situation. Our scientists have been studying Utah for years now, but they don't allow science within the boundries so we are forced to study from a distance. All that is known at this point, is that Utah is filled with some sort of race of brainwashed zombies who stare at ancient texts and mumble to themselves while displaying abnormal but constant smiling. We are not sure how accurate this information is, but find it eerie none the less.

Utah = 5 EV

45. Vermont (3 EVs): Vermont's claim to fame is that it's next to New Hampshire. Also, they get snow there sometimes. This can occasionally make it difficult for both residents of this state to travel.

Vermont = 1 EV

46. Virginia (13 EVs): This is one of our most historical states. Many great presidents came from Virginia. This state was the inspiration for many contemparary music artists ranging from Train (Meet Virginia), to The Rembrandts (Sweet Virginia), to Blessid Union Of Souls (Oh, Virginia). In fact, it even inspired my own songwriting and led me to compose "Get In My Car, And Show Me Your Virginia".

Virginia = 5 EV

47. Washington (11 EVs): Washington is the "Evergreen State". This is because in the west, Washington is completely covered in trees. Central Washington is mostly desert, while the east is covered with rolling hills and wheat fields. Here we are known for our beautiful summers, active volcanoes, horrid traffic, single mothers and multi-billion dollar company headquarters (Microsoft, Boeing, Nintendo, Amazon, etc.)

Washington = 7 EV

48. West Virginia (5 EVs): This one is completely stupid, and needs to be rethought. There is no East Virginia, so why the fuck should we have a 'West'?! By the way, this is the only 'West' of any state. Why not just sew it back onto Virginia?

West Virginia = 1 EV

49. Wisconsin (10 EVs): This is where they make all the world's cheese (except for Tilamook). They also make lots of beer. This helps the Wisconsin residents get drunk so they don't have to live with the constant reality that they're stuck in this freezing state. Claim to fame: The opening of "Laverne & Shirley" where they're step-dancing and saying some stupid incoherent chant to a tune that keeps repeating "We're gonna do it!".

Wisconsin = 4 EV

50. Wyoming (3 EVs): Who gives a shit about Wyoming? Honestly?

Wyoming = 1/2 EV


Now if I did my math correctly, that makes a total of 240 Electorial Votes for all states combined. And as a side note, I will not be including Washington D.C. The District Of Columbia is technically not a state, so screw them. Besides, their opinions would be too biased anyway. So with 240 votes total, a candidate would have to get 121 of them to win.

As you can see, my plan is a great one. I ask you for your vote come next election, and I thank you for your support!

My name is Ryan, and I approve this blog.

Monday, November 1, 2004

Searching The Sand

I came to you like blue from the sky
like water flows in from the sea
You told me to leave you with not one more thought
you wanted no memory of me

I told you I couldn't, "it's not what I want
let's try to find that which we lost
let's not lose each other, let's make a new life
just think of the valleys we've crossed"

You wanted no more than to have it again
but still you were strict with your plan
we're now moving on and away from ourselves
and I am no longer your man

"it's better to love, although you have lost"
is what they will always say
but now I am empty and without a care
i will never be thinking that way

our lives full of wonder, we have such potential
if only we were to stand tall
with assumptions of heaven corrupting our minds
our love is not special at all

Thursday, October 28, 2004

Viva Loss

one more lonely night in paradise
the clear night sky fills with light
how can my emptiness exist
where billions of neon flashes fill my sight

i walk aside myself in a land of fun
surrounded by a thousand other versions of me
all trying to escape the emptiness
we are the castaways, floating in the desolate sea

i pass by one, and then another
some ecstatic, floating in the clouds above
some are grim with empty pockets
none of them can grasp the concept of love

why did this feeling contaminate me?
why can't i just go have a blast
why is it that my stupid mind
can only dwell into the past?

i feel like giving up this time
there is no reason to exist
when everyone around me floats
and all i want is to be kissed

no one will ever understand
the thought that love is not a reality
though some will argue i am wrong
my outlook makes it quite clear to me

a loser in a town of sin
there is no better place
for me to drink those tears away
that stream along my face

my life is coming to a close
one moment at a time
though many moments still remain
i'm spending every dime

i will enjoy myself one time
if never once again
so i may smile when i recall
the places i have been

tonight is something magical
although i'm here alone
the music, lights and pretty girls
combine to set the tone

i'm feeling good and feeling high
for once more in my life
no thoughts of sadness, death or tears
no thoughts of pills or knives

i wish this moment to go on
forever into the night
in this city of a trillion bulbs
my heart is shining bright

Tuesday, October 19, 2004

Covered In Clarity

Well it's been a long time. In fact, I was a naive 24 year old the last time I even bothered to post anything... Here I am a mature 25, and my mind is full of new questions and thoughts. The first one that comes to mind:

My last post ("Something Blue")....... what the FUCK was that all about?

Moving on...

Like a crowd gazing wonderously at the peak of St. Helens... things are looking up. My rock candy is melting as I fill my head with visions of rainbow light. To succumb to my random thought process, I feel the need to revert to my favorite "Short Takes" style of blogging. So here goes:

* I am all moved into my new apartment now. I'm living with my cousin Geoff and his girlfriend Amber (who as it turns out, just became one of my co-workers!). As much as I'd love to continue living alone, I decided the experience would be good for me in many ways, not the least of which the fact that I will be saving over $500 a month. I've been enjoying it even more than I first thought I would, and I can still enjoy my privacy because the bedrooms are on opposite sides of the place, and I even have my own bathroom behind my bedroom door! For those of you that care, I will share a picture or two of the new place soon.

* Regarding work... I recently got a raise. Yay! This is especially nice because I didn't expect one, and I've also been having to work a bit of overtime the last few weeks. I have a few days of vacation coming up soon, so I'm looking forward to that.

* Things I'm excited about (in no particular order):

1. Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas - comes out today! I've been waiting for this game for quite awhile now, and plan to spend hours playing it. I decided to wait until I get back from my trip to get it.

2. John Mayer (as/is) - This live album is a compilation of stuff from John's 2004 summer tour. Apparantly it's a limited release that's in stores today. I ordered it a week or so ago, and just got my copy tonight! I'm listening to it right now. :)

3. Van Halen - I'm going to see them here in Seattle on Friday night. I've been wanting to see them for a long time, and it should be fun. It's nice to see Sammy back with the guys!

4. Team America: World Police - I plan on seeing this movie the weekend after next (I'll be out of town next weekend). I'm a huge fan of Trey Parker and Matt Stone's work! They make the funniest stuff around, so I'm sure I'll love it. And whenever there is a movie made entirely with marionettes, and they have to cut out a sex scene to get an 'R' rating.... well my interest is peaked. lol

5. "When Will Jesus Bring The Pork Chops?" - This is the new book by one of my favorite people, George Carlin. When things slow down I will pick this up because much like his stand-up, his books never disappoint. On a side-note, I've recently downloaded a couple of his books in audio (mp3) format. I believe he even got a grammy for "best spoken-word comedy album" on one of them.

6. Sex - ...... ummm. Well okay maybe this doesn't really belong on this list, but hey... it excites me so I had make a note of that.

7. New albums - Still waiting for John Mayer's and Trent Reznor's (NIN) new albums. Both seem to be sitting on next spring.

That's mostly where my mind is right now, so I'll get back to life. I plan on posting more often now, so if I don't, be sure to kick my bitch-ass. I have a couple "pre-developments" I'm in the process of considering for the very near future. One of them involves a "social makeover and complete self-improvement " kind of thing. I'm sure I will talk more about that as it develops. So anyway, take care and may the forces of evil become confused on the way to your home.


"You're never gonna hear me talk down about 'Wonderland', because it's the reason I'm skateboarding in my apartment right now. It may have lost me a bit of the male contingency... I can skateboard in my kitchen."

---John Mayer

Referring to being labeled a "sensitive-songwriter" (from a radio interview in Los Angeles).

Wednesday, September 1, 2004


I come home tonight
one day closer to mortality
with fantasies of those I will never know
the simplest of concepts, foreign to my head
In a world full of fine wine
I am the shattered beer bottle you see on the edge of the sidewalk
I am a small slice of pie when you've eaten too much steak
I am the bruised apple in a golden batch
You will find me on clearance among the unwanted
"a movie of the week; a fucking t-shirt"
the fly in a poor man's soup
Some may say we are all special in our own way
......some are obviously wrong.
A void lurks where a dream should be
Idle days; one upon another
stacked up, stretching into the sky
reaching so high, I will never see past them
"Everybody's laughing... everybody's happy"
Should offer myself to the Sun King?
maybe I should leave this existance behind
would it matter?
would Mother Earth miss my irrelevance?
Would she even stop to notice?
For one bright moment
I fantasize that she would

Monday, August 2, 2004

Something Blue

Tonight I am left with an empty feeling. A feeling of part loss, part guilt and part hopelessness. It's a sad thing when even getting drunk loses its fun.

I went out again tonight. Usual place, usual seat, usual drink. Many attractive women... outnumbering the guys. Yet not one showed an interest in me. But I did limit myself tonight. One drink. I am beginning to cut down on anything more.

So there I was, drifting off amid a sea of conversation. My ears were busy, but my mouth had nothing to say. It seems I have the inability to fit in with the sobriety-challenged. What is wrong with me? I don't understand.

I came home depressed and wrote the beginning of what may be my first song.

Wednesday, July 28, 2004

Short Takes # 1

Well nothing too exciting is going on with me right now, so it's time for some random notes on things.... worth noting. Here goes:

* 'Star Wars - Episode III: Revenge Of The Sith' ..... official release date, 05/19/05. I will be in line for this one of course. Maybe I'll get to squeeze in two viewings on premiere night like I did with Episode II. (DVD Set of original trilogy comes out September 19th)

* I finally saw 'Old School' the other night and thought it was hilarious. Will Ferrell is great as always, and tall. Really, really.....tall. And hairy too. He's really tall and hairy...yeah.

* I am seriously considering going to music school somewhere. I've been feeling very inspired lately, and have begun to crave musical expression. More on this as it develops. "Fighting the Frizzies, at 11".

* For unknown reasons, I've also been slightly more confident around women. Having grown up extremely shy, without any sisters, females have always been somewhat alien to me. It's like I'm usually so intimidated and inferiorized by them. Is that a word? Screw it... it is now.

* I almost went to see America last weekend (think "A Horse With No Name" and "Ventura Highway"... great acoustic stuff), but opted out before purchasing tickets. I'd still really like to see them, but the timing was bad. I decided I'd rather spend some time with Jen... (her cat of 20 or so years just died, and she's trying to deal with that). I know exactly what she's going through, because I went through that in 2000. When/if America comes around again, I'll be going with my dad.

* I've been expanding my musical tastes. Among some of the bands/artists I've been making a point to listen to more of....



Maroon 5



Stevie Wonder



Steely Dan

(Side Note: 311's "Amber" is a current favorite.)

* John Mayer's new album will be released on November 9th............ possibly. This is the "word on the streets".

* NIN's (Nine Inch Nails) next album, titled 'Bleedthrough', should be out in early 2005. It is Trent [Reznor]'s first studio album in five years, and will have all new material. The very intriguing thing about this is the fact that Dave Grohl, of Foo Fighters and Nirvana fame, has provided all of the drumming for this album! Having always been a fan of Dave's work, and of course Trent's... I'm very excited to hear the new stuff!

(Side Notes: Trent will also be releasing 'Closure' on DVD soon, as well as a reissue of one of my all-time favorite albums, 'The Downward Spiral' in 5.1 Surround! Once again, Trent will take music in a new direction.)

* I will be going to Hawaii for the first time, in February.

* I've been playing more video games than I have in quite some time. It's like reconnecting with an old friend you hardly talk with anymore. I have so much fun getting a good buzz going and losing myself in a good game. And I'm getting excited about some upcoming releases, most notably...

* Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas - release date: October 19th. This time, three cities... San Fran, LA & Vegas. This means I will have to make a stop at the liquor store that day, because it's gonna be a party. (It is rumored that NIN's "Head Like A Hole" will be included in the expected mammoth soundtrack).


"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."

---Mitch (Billy Crystal) in 'City Slickers'

Tuesday, July 13, 2004

Mayer The 13th

John Mayer

Harvey's Ampitheater

Stateline, Nevada, United States


Set List:

Bigger Than My Body

New Deep

No Such Thing

Come Back To Bed

My Stupid Mouth



Old Love (Eric Clapton cover)

Your Body Is A Wonderland

Why Georgia



Homelife (Acoustic)

Back To You (Acoustic)

Love Song For No One (Acoustic w/Dela)



To make what could be a long story... not quite as long, I flew down to Reno so I could go with Laura to John's Lake Tahoe gig. Good times. :) At the gate, we were curious to see if they'd let us in with a camera and alcohol. It turned out that they couldn't care less about what people were bringing in. You have to love Nevada. I was glad I had decided against hiding those tiny rum bottles down my pants. After all, it would have just rectum anyway. Hahaha, a little cornball humor for you.

Anyway, John's set started off as good as usual (this time "Bigger Than My Body" was first). John played one of my favorites from HT, "Daughters". My favorite part in the song is near the end when the piano joins in. The cool thing about when they played this was that John let his piano-man (who's name I haven't quite learned yet... for now I call him "the Matt Stone looking guy")... play an extended little piano solo during the end. It was excellent stuff. A couple songs later, I was so pleasantly surprised to hear "Old Love". I have been loving this song recently, in fact I believe I even had mentioned it in one of my earlier entries... John and David [Ryan Harris] did something during this song that I've never seen before. First, David was reaching around John playing John's guitar for him... then later they were BOTH playing John's guitar at the SAME TIME! They were even playing different riffs! It's unlike anything I've seen before. All I could think was 'that's neat-aroni'. And a little note about "Why Georgia"... after the second verse, John said to the crowd "People of The Lake, SING!". It was our cue to collectively sing "So what, so I've got a smile on...etc".


To end the set, John played another favorite of mine, "83". At the end of this, I was expecting the usual medley of 80's tunes. He didn't do that, but instead he thanked his openers, DJ Logic and Switchfoot, and proceeded to sing "We were meant to live for so much more" (of course from Switchfoot's current hit single "Meant To Live") to the jazzy 83 outro. Then the encore...

I have never even heard "Homelife" done acoustically, so it was a real treat to have John play my favorite HT track to start off the acoustic encore. He had the greatest rant about cell phones towards the end of it, unfortunately I can't remember exactly how it went because I was laughing too hard. It was all about how the same people keep calling you over and over, nagging and nagging... and eventually you don't even hear the ringing anymore. You just hear "*RING* ... *RING* ... *FUCK YOU* ... *RING". lol It was classic. "Back To You" was also great of course, and John finished out the night by having David LaBruyere (Dela), his bass player, come out to join him. As they got ready to play, John said to Dave something like "you think we should just kiss? Talk about something we could do to freak all these people out." Dave then handed John some flowers, and John accepted them while singing "I like girls!" lol Then they both started playing "Love Song For No One", which is the very first song (and version) of John's I ever heard. It was a perfect ending to the concert.


Overall, I had a really great time down in Nevada! Many thanks to Laura for driving me around everywhere, especially when I felt compelled to find an open Taco Bell at 2AM. hehe She was great, and so was my mini-vacation. I hope to plan a trip like that again sometime soon. :)


*Fun Fact*

When flying from Reno to Seattle, if you decide to stand in line for an hour to get on an earlier flight to Portland, airport personnel will not let you board. You will then be laughed at by everyone and feel like a stupid dumb-ass.



Sunday, July 11, 2004

Thank Mayer For 7-11

John Mayer
White River Ampitheater
Auburn, Washington, United States

Set List:

Why Georgia
Bigger Than My Body
Come Back To Bed
My Stupid Mouth
No Such Thing
City Love (w/long blues jam intro)
Your Body Is A Wonderland
New Deep
Inner City Blues (Marvin Gaye cover)

--- Encore

Comfortable (Acoustic)
3x5 (Acoustic)
Neon (Acoustic)


Where, oh where to start? This was the best concert I have ever experienced...

I took my dad along. He likes John's stuff that he's heard. Having played the guitar for about thirty years, he can appreciate some good guitar work. So I bought two tickets months ago. I wanted the best seats possible, but got stuck way off to the right side of the venue. (Thank you, Ticketmaster. You stinky bastard.) Luckily, the seats were close enough that they were still good ones.

*Fun Fact*
If you ever plan on sneaking two miniature bottles of alcohol into a concert (one 50ml Bicardi, the other Black Velvet), be sure to hide them down your pants inside a paper towel. I assure you, security personnel will not search there (but it may cause you to walk funny).

First up was DJ Logic. I have never been overly familiar with the whole DJ process, but I was intrigued. Really, there was nothing too exciting about it. Not a bad idea though, as more and more people are making their way to their seats. After almost an hour, on came Switchfoot. These guys were pretty good. Not knowing anything about them, I was impressed. Catchy songs, good energy, good stuff. I plan to pick up their newest album sometime now, due to the fact that they mostly played the newer stuff.

Darkness typically means it's Go-John time. All day, my dad and I had held discussions. What will John play? In which order? This is what I'm hoping to hear. What are you hoping for? And just how many licks DOES it take to get to the tootsie-rool center of a tootsie-pop?? This much is certain... the world may never know. Eventually, John came out and started playing "Why Georgia", my dad's favorite. He played some more great songs (see the list) following that. Before the forth song, John told the audience "This is a song called 'Comfortable'". Naturally, the crowd went nuts. The 16 year-old groupies wet themselves and screamed. So with nothing more said, John starts playing "My Stupid Mouth" in its entirety. He's funny like that.

It was great to finally hear "Wheel" live... especially with a cool little jazzy intro. Before "No Such Thing", he told us something like "This is an older song. I wrote it... HOLY SHIT! About six years ago.". He ended up braking two strings during it. NST was followed by a free-style blues jam that morphed into "City Love". In that, he substituted the line "she keeps a toothbrush at my place" with "she keeps her tampons at my place". I was cracking up. I should also mention that in the last verse where he says "I found it in Lydia", he has actually been singing "I found it in America" ever since 9/11. If you listen to AGT (Any Given Thursday), he says it on that version as well.

Next was "Your Body Is A Wonderland", or for you hardcore fans out there, 'YBIAW'. The only part out of the ordinary here was just after the solo. David Ryan Harris, John's newest guitar player, took over lead vocals for a bit... singing a small medley of songs to the "Wonderland" hook. Among them was Peter Gabriel's "Sledgehammer", and Marvin Gaye's "Sexual Healing". Very cool!

"New Deep" followed. When that was over, John put down his guitar and grabbed his microphone. Then he calls DJ Logic to the stage, and the band proceeded into a cover of "Inner City Blues" by Marvin Gaye. David sang with John on this song, and the whole band got into it and ripped it up. It was classic. Next up was "Clarity", the end of which was looped so John could introduce the band and say his thank you and goodnight piece.

Then came the encore. This was like something out of a dream. One of those dreams where maybe you had been drinking earlier that night, and you're not that sure if you're really there or just imagining it, it's so surreal. When the lights come back up, all we see by his microphone is an acoustic guitar and a chair. John comes back out, sits down and picks up the Martin. He then playes a few random rhythmic notes here and there to tease us. That guitar sounded so perfect. And then he starts in with "Comfortable". Everyone went nuts. But soon after, we were all perfectly quiet, and all that could be heard was John and his guitar. He nailed it down perfectly, even with a few improvisions. Instead of "but you could distinguish Miles from Coltrane", he opted for "but you could distinguish Mayer from Matthews"... a subtle response to all those people who think he's just another Dave wannabe. Later in the song, following the usual "I loved you", he sang "grey sweatpants... no makeup... and I don't know.... she still looks really damn good! Ummm, nevermind... I guess my point is that I want you baaaaaaaack." It may not be word for word, but pretty close. Nice little improv moment anyway.

Next in the acoustic encore was one of my favorites of John's, "3x5". It was amazing to see John playing this solo, as I have rarely heard it, much less at a live show. After 3x5, John invited Harris back out to play with him acoustically. David started singing one of his own songs (I'll get back to you on the title), then joined John in a brief tease of "Tom's Diner" by Suzanne Vega, which ultimately worked right into "Neon" to end the night. Amazing show, amazing night!

On the way home, my dad said to me, "I didn't realize he was such a great guitarist. I'm a fan". I couldn't help but smile.


"Is there a god?
why is he waiting?
don't you think of it odd,
when he knows my address?
Look at the stars
don't they remind you
just how feeble we are?
Well, they used to I guess"

"New Deep" by John Mayer

Saturday, July 10, 2004

Finn-tastic Time

Tonight my dad took me along to see the Finn Brothers out at the Moore Theater (in downtown Seattle). From the outside wall, I learned that it was built in 1907 (nice 'The Shining' moment). You may know Neil Finn from his days fronting the band Crowded House. If you're not familiar with them, I recommend giving them a listen (think "Don't Dream It's Over" and "It's Only Natural", etc...). You may also know him from Spilt Enz, his band with his brother Tim. I saw these two tonight, playing together again after many years apart and covering material from both bands as well as some new stuff. I had a good time. :) Neil is one of, if not THE best singer I've seen live to date. When he and Tim sing together, the harmonies are dead on. Good stuff!

Looking forward to seeing my buddy John tomorrow...

Monday, July 5, 2004


Yesterday was July 4th. After using my special "jump to conclusions mat", I finally made a groundbreaking decision. Fireworks are neat-o! ID4 has always been my favorite holiday. The beginning of summer... warm weather... women with less clothing... and let's face it, when else do your parents encourage you to blow shit up?

*Fun Fact*: If you tie a firecracker to your shoe and light it, you will get to visit a hospital ER (like my cousin did a few years back)*

I watched 'Dreamcatcher' the other night. This movie was different than I expected. I found myself staring with my mouth wide open mumbling to myself "what the hell?!?". It wasn't bad, just messed up beyond comprehension. And yeah, the whole "giant alien killer worm hosting in earth beings and eating their way out of the rectum" theme was just a little disturbing. There were SO many different things going on it was sometimes hard to realize the connection between them. Never the less, I guess I enjoyed it. At least I got to see Donnie again (from New Kids fame). He did a good job, too! But poor Jason [Lee]. :( He didn't make it too far into the film, and he's the main reason I wanted to see it in the first place.

Anyway, I must get back to many things that need to be taken care of on my day off...


"Life is a waste of time

and time is a waste of life

So let's get wasted all the time

And have the time of our life"


Thursday, July 1, 2004

First Officer's Log: Stardate 40701.2

Tonight I consider progress. Nothing extraordinary happened, but I feel perhaps more... accepted in society. I went down to have a drink, and ended up talking with one of the regulars I see in there quite a bit. We played games on the little electronic computer thingie and made idle chit-chat. Stuff like "so where do you work?", "are you going to be here tomorrow?" and "you did what to your neighbor's dog? for HOW many cookies?!?". You know, just the usual friendly chatter. The interesting thing is that it marks the second time in a row she hugged me before I left. I'm sure it doesn't mean much, but I can't help thinking maybe I'm leaving more of an impression that I originally thought...

By the way, a couple nights ago, I played those pull-tabs again. On my last tab I ended up winning $117! Yahoo-ey!! I like those now, but I'm not going to start spending all my money on them or anything. Nothing much else for now. I get paid tomorrow, so that means I'll be able to pay my rent. Nice. I must conclude this entry to go play some guitar now. Later people! ;)

P.S. I'm thinking of ending each entry with a quote or lyric that stirs in my head that day for whatever reason. To steal an idea from Jerry Springer, tonight's FINAL THOUGHT is:

"I can't say I really blame you

for being bored with the beginning

always staring at the score

to figure out who's barely winning

but don't you know,

there is a reason strong moves slow"

---"Tracing" by John Mayer

Monday, June 28, 2004

Better Things

Today I played my guitar like I should everyday. I played and played. And when I was done, I played some more. Have you ever seen 'Happy Gilmore'? I feel the urge to quote the little old lady in the old folks' home when she says "My fingers hurt". Of course when I say it, Ben Stiller (in a goofy disco-mustache) doesn't give me any landscaping duty. Anyway... so I'm working on what I like to call a "quadro-shit-ton" of songs currently. Among those I almost figured out tonight is "Quiet" by John Mayer. This is my favorite track off his 'Inside Wants Out' album. I'm excited to get this one down. :)

This weekend went well. I went out to a new bar. Okay you technical bastard... so the bar itself isn't new. My experience of going there, however, is. For whatever reason, I decided to try out the "pull-tabs" I always see but never give a thought to. With five dollars worth of tickets, I ended up winning $69 (good number by the way)! So of course I was all "oh hell yeah!"... then I ate some fries, drank, and played great music on the juke box thingie (think Hendrix's "The Wind Cries Mary", Clapton's "Old Love" unplugged, and Radiohead's "Street Spirit(Fade Out)", etc).

Nothing much else new. I'm happy to report my uber-suck-ass week ended with some random high notes. Next week's life is looking to improve...

Tuesday, June 22, 2004


tonight marks a first

the final stand made

no turning back


guilt like never before

three years of life

gone in an instant

comfort no more

only sorrow

sorrow and loss

is this what i want?

it must be

no turning back now

it is done

my first was dismissed in seconds

tears soak my shirt

eyes run in redness

i cannot love

i wish no one to love me

i know nothing

love is but a word

an abstract idea

i do not deserve existance

take me away

and heal all that i cause

Tuesday, May 18, 2004


So it seems you've gone away
and left me here alone
No post-it note of reasoning
No message on my phone

Your things are gone; our room is bare
You took the mattress too
But I don't mind because
I won't be sleeping without you

The soothing voice; familiar touch
are nowhere to be found
My eyes now sting; my knees give out
as I fall to the ground

I wish for life to take me back
to times of happiness
when you and I were ignorant
in juvenile bliss

I cannot bear these thoughts of mine
I'm searching for a knife
Living on without you here…
I do not want this life

A deadly blade now in my hands
I grip it steadily
The tip is poking in my chest
One thrust will set me free

I shove the knife with all my might
The rest is just a blur
A tunnel with angelic light
and thoughts of who we were

I'm sleeping now so silently
with not a breath of air
wherever I may end up now
I know you'll meet me there

A scream is heard as I sit up
With sweat among my brow
I hear you moaning half asleep
..... you are with me now

I can't explain my first nightmare
since I was nine or ten
But this one thing I know for sure
I'll not lose you again


today i am ill
though not in a physical sense
my life is a card game
what to do?
fold this mediocre hand i've been dealt?
make my idle way through on a weak bluff?
sometimes i cannot bear to take that chance
sometimes i cannot imagine the card i may draw
in a world full of poker faces
i am the one who sneaks a grin
there can be no pair here
only half of one forever
i have aced myself out of happiness
the deck offers no help
i should hold on to my chips
but i still have more to play
i am not done yet
i am still at the table

Thursday, April 22, 2004


you told me you loved me
and all i could see
was this perfect soul
who was falling for me

you told me you loved me
and i didn't mind
the thought of us destined
to be intertwined

you told me you loved me
but i should have known
the true thoughts in your head
had never been shown

you told me you loved me
i didn't think twice
love was the currency
i paid the price

you told me you loved me
but stupid, was i
for thinking that you
were as honest as i

you told me you loved me
but deep in your eyes
i noticed that it was
just one of your lies

you told me you loved me
...well i loved you too
it's time that you realize
that i can lie too

you tell me you love me far i have stayed
but this time around
i will not be afraid

Monday, April 19, 2004


Am I the only one who doesn't care anymore? Or am I the only one who cares too much?

Am I slowly going insane? Or am I the last drop of sanity in this river of life?

Do I have the ability to prioritize? Or is life not the gift it seems?

Is logic the foreign concept it seems? Or is it irrelevant altogether?

Is common sense a rarity among us? Or do we all hide it away?

Are we as stupid as I think? Or am I the stupid one for thinking it?

Friday, April 9, 2004

The Question

Everything is hazy
Racing past me in a blur
All I can do is watch
Somethings were just not meant for me
Everyone else... but not me

My world is slowly dying
Ending with not a sound

American Idle

Today, I got out of bed
smacked my 'snooze' button for the third time
walked, half asleep, down the hallway
took a hot shower, used up the last palm-full of shampoo
drove to work, got there early for a change
worked for eight hours; pounding headache, throbbing throat
drove back to my quasi-empty apartment
called up a couple people on the phone
the same people I talked to just a day before
checked my e-mail full of spam and e-junk
looked through my list of unfinished business
never sure where to even start
stressed out, put the list away and listened to some music
got ready for bed, and brushed my teeth once more for no one
fell into bed and out of conscienceness...

Tomorrow, I will rise from bed
smack my 'snooze' button for the third time
and walk, half asleep, down the hallway...

Sometimes, I wonder what would happen if I never rose from my bed at all
I wonder... and I smile

Tuesday, March 16, 2004


I just can't do this anymore

Never knowing what I want
Everything confuses me
Everyone deserves better
Day after day, it only gets worse

Hurting is all I know
Everything means nothing
Lost in thought, and so numb
Part of me is dead

Tuesday, March 9, 2004


The drive home from work on a Friday
A crowded room laughing at my joke
The sexy woman playfully brushing my arm
Seeing the sign that welcomes me back to my hometown
The film that takes me away from it all
The progression of chords that gives me an orgasm of sound
Thinking about my first crush
A perfect pizza fresh from my door
An extra big paycheck
A random stranger who greets me for no apparent reason
The first tongue twisting kiss with a new lover
The perfect buzz that sheds fifty of my pounds
Finishing my favorite video game once more
Getting an unexpected call from a long lost friend
Receiving a compliment for something I didn’t know was special
Discovering a new talent
The dream where I know I’m dreaming
Finishing something I’ve been putting off
Helping a friend in need
Staring deep into the eyes of a lover after a night of passion
Giving a deserving extra-large tip
Looking in the mirror and seeing what others see
Knowing that at any given moment, someone is thinking of me

…sometimes I can’t help thinking
in such a crazy world
maybe I’m the crazy one
for not seeing the beauty
that hides waiting to be found
in the simplest events
of everyday life

…sometimes I only see the bad
never opening my eyes
living in a world
where the blind can see a much better picture
…sometimes, I wish I could be blind too
then I realize… I already am

Thursday, March 4, 2004


sometimes i can't remember
what i never can forget
tonight i'm hypnotized
by the sound and smell of wet

i watch a family of tears
streaking down my glass
the tainted light is bending
with every drop i pass

my blades dance as one
wiping the tears away
i will keep my course steady
i will not give up today

sometimes i can't help but wonder
why i never did stand tall
when the clouds that glide above us
are the saddest ones of all

Sunday, February 29, 2004


And so tonight
I'm home once more
stumbling through
my battered door
it seems my one
is looking to
this night i find
something i've missed
no one to hold
no one to kiss
i never will
at least it seems
for this will come
only in dreams
this drink i have
my only friend
and he will cause
my early end
tonight i know
i want to die
and misery mixed
is "me is Ry"

Saturday, February 28, 2004


To the one who made me sad,
I still remember you
I can’t forget the things
We always used to do
Though yes, I realize
The saddest thing with that
Those memories we have
…my head is where they’re at

‘cause in reality
we never did those things
we lived a million lives
we had all that love brings
we kissed each other often
we ran along the beach
I grabbed the thorny rose for you
When it was out of reach
We always laughed out loud
When we would watch a show
We’d dress up heavily and
Go out playing in the snow
I’d run my fingers through your hair
And hold you when you cried
I’d wrap you in my favorite quilt
When it was cold outside
I still recall the look your eyes
pierced deep inside of me
When we were at the altar
…Of all eternity
Our honeymoon was magic
The moment of my life
When I was truly happy
To have you as my wife
Those first few years were scary
When we had our two kids
But we stuck with each other
And I’m happy that we did
The kids are all grown up now
With children of their own
you and I are still right here
together, all alone

I love you in our other life
The one that isn’t true
The one that could have saved the world
my dark and lonely view
But so you know, I do not blame
The things you did or said
I blame myself for all the dreams
That burned into my head

Wednesday, February 18, 2004

Little One

Don't be scared, little one
you have nothing to fear
though you feel alone
i am always right here

Don't you worry, little one
of things you'll go through
life may bring challenge
yet bring me to you

Don't you cry, little one
wipe your tears away
you miss being held
love will find you someday

Don't be sad, little one
for you have come far
you need to stand up
and see how great you are

So you see, little one
things will be fine
and someday you'll share
this outlook of mine

After all, little one
this much is true
there are millions of people
who wish they were like you

Sunday, February 1, 2004


I wrote this tonight, 'cause it's finally clear
I have twenty-six reasons why I am still here

A is for Answers I'm trying to find
to questions that taunt, and torture my mind

B is for Beauty in all of our lives
so put down the pills, the needles and knives

C for the Caring we all need more of
so we can trade war for peace; hate for love

D is for Doing the best that you can
when you are dealt the most challenging hand

E is for Everyone I wish were here
so I could laugh with them and buy them a beer

F for the Families we're all glad we've had
our sisters and brothers, our mom and our dad

G is for Gentleness we all must show
to help our relationships evolve and grow

H is for Helping out others with things
to show them the joys their lives just might bring

I for the Intellect I must strive for
to know all the things that I want to... and more

J is for Joy, the kind that I'd miss
if I were to suddenly cease to exist

K is for Kindness we need to provide
to help tame the demons we all keep inside

L is for Love that we all wish to find
and leave all our misery and pain far behind

M for the Magic that said Love will bring
and will give you the life of a queen and a king

N is for Noble, as I will try to be
full of courage, honor, generosity...

O is for Others who help you through life
your friends, your kids ... your husband or wife

P is for Pleasure you find in the places
you'd never expect; the pain just erases

Q is for Quiet, which sometimes we need
so we can relax, ease our minds and/or read

R is for Recreation; we all need some fun
so go and make your life an interesting one

S is for Special; we all want to be
and to that certain someone you ARE, you see?

T is for Touch ... the most intimate act
and it's also my favorite sense, in fact

U for the Unity, I would love to see
bind us together to be peaceful and free

V is for Valiance that lurks in us all
it gives us power and makes our fears fall

W for the Wisdom I constantly seek
I learn day by day... week after week

X for eXcitement that life can bring you
and will, if you just give a chance for it to

Y is for Yesterday and days that have passed
with hope we will learn from them and make this last

Z is for Zeal we all keep inside
for things we believe in, both far and wide

It looks like the alphabet has now reached it's end
but life will go on and will never stop, my friend
So with all of that said, go out and be true
to family and friends, most importantly...YOU
there is no need to lie, and no need to steal
after all, we are just passengers on this big wheel
there is no need to hurt, and no need to kill need to live off of our bottles and pills
So don't feel down ... don't be depressed
take all your thoughts, get them off of your chest
You may be surprised, you may be happy
which makes it worthwhile in end, you see?

Saturday, January 17, 2004

Custom NIN Mix

NIN – “Closer To Numb” Mix


01 - Somewhat Damaged
02 - The Day The World Went Away
03 - The Fragile
04 - The Frail / The Wretched
05 - Something I Can Never Have
06 - I Do Not Want This
07 - A Warm Place / Eraser
08 - Piggy
09 - Help Me I Am In Hell
10 - Self Destruction, Part Two
11 - The Beauty Of Being Numb
12 - Eraser (Polite)
13 - Leaving Hope


01 - The Frail (Version)
02 - We're In This Together
03 - Gone, Still
04 - The Big Come Down
05 - Eraser (Denial; Realization)
06 - The Persistence Of Loss
07 - The Day The World Went Away (Quiet)
08 - Gave Up
09 - And All That Could Have Been
10 - La Mer / The Great Below
11 - The Downward Spiral (The Bottom) / Hurt (Quiet)
12 - Adrift And At Peace

Thursday, January 15, 2004

A New Day

This morning, I rose to a beautiful sun
with empty bottles and memories undone
My head was cloudy; my thoughts all entwined
Attempted to sort out the thoughts in my mind
Turned off the alarm, and rolled out of bed
Wiped sleep from my eyes, and emptied my head
limped down the stairs and stretched out my arms
fixed up a big bowl of my Lucky Charms
sat down to eat like I do everyday
yet something was eerily different today
I finished my bowl and walked back upstairs
And went to the bathroom, if anyone cares
Went back to my room…only to find
A cute sleeping girl, in that bed of mine
She looked like an angel, her hair was a mess
My pants hid the table, the floor had her dress
How did this happen? Where did we meet?
How did I get lipstick marks on my feet?
Where does she live? And what is her name?
We must have made love…was drinking to blame?
I cannot recall, what happened last night
Did we talk for hours until the daylight?
Did she pick me up like a big heavy drinker
And reel me right in… hook, line and sinker?
Did I seduce HER? With my wit and my charm
And leave with this hot little thing on my arm?
I’d love to recall how this all came about
because I have suffered a long-standing drought
to see that this hottie was sleeping with me
makes me feel all tingly; for once… happy
Should I wake her up? Should I lay back down?
Should I run in happiness all over town?
Should I take a picture? Run hands through her hair?
Or should I just leave her and let her sleep there?
I can’t wait to see how this day will unfold
Will she be the one I will forever hold?
Will we be in love when we’ve grown up and old?
I hope luck was with our new dice that we’ve rolled…

Monday, January 5, 2004

New Monitor

Sony SDM-HS73 17" Flat-panel monitor


I bought a new monitor today at CompUSA in Southcenter. It cost me $598.37, but it's a fantastic looking monitor and I plan to have it for a long time.

Friday, January 2, 2004

Smelly Pete

There was a man named Daniel
He had a cocker-spaniel
It’s name was Smelly Pete
Shit was what he’d eat
I never liked that dog
So everytime I’d jog,
Avoid that dog I would
He’d chase me when he could
In fact, one time he followed me
Downtown into the eatery
Defecated on Edward’s plate
Ed was puking all he ate
No one liked this hairy beast
Mostly though, I do the least
Everything he does is wrong
Sits on tables, licks his dong
Shits in yards and always barks
Ate my cat, and also Mark’s
Get so mad at him each day
Eventually I’ll make him pay