Thursday, November 4, 2004

A New Plan

It's official. Bush will serve another term.

Now regardless of the fact that I would have voted for a hermaphrodite chimp before considering "W.", I do not feel the need to attack him right now. As far as I know, he won the election fairly. No, my issue is with my fellow Americans. And I'm not going to call anyone names or label them. For instance, you won't be hearing me say that my neighbors in the midwest are degenerate pigfuckers (even though I'm beginning to think that may be accurate). I will also not be pointing out the fact that the south is home to our redneck - pieces of imbred shit - friends. I will not say that because frankly, we already know this to be true. And I'd like to take this time to point out that I am including my homestate of Idaho in this loathing session. Because after all, when you have a state where the most popular activites are rafting, hiking and molesting goats... well I just think it's only fair to include it.

Major Cities in "Kerry" states: New York City, Los Angeles, Chicago, Detroit, Washington D.C., Boston, Seattle, Portland, San Francisco, San Diego, Sacramento, Philadelphia, Pittsburgh, Honolulu, Milwaukee, Green Bay, Minneapolis, Baltimore.

Major cities in "Bush" states: Dallas, Atlanta, Miami, Orlando, Houston, San Antonio, Las Vegas, Reno, Boise, Anchorage, St. Louis, Salt Lake City, New Orleans, Denver, Phoenix, Memphis, Cincinatti, Cleveland, Indianapolis.

...just an observation. And by the way, Vegas is misleading because it was the only county (Clark) in Nevada that actually belonged to Kerry. But since I don't know every fact on all the other cities, I'll give George the benefit. Which group of cities seem more interesting to you? "Talk amongst yourselves." *wavy hand gesture*

Okay so like I said, I am not going to complain (too much) about all this. However, I do find the Electorial Vote system a bit odd. I don't quite understand why certain states get certain amounts of votes, though I know it has to do something with the ralation to the population of each state. So I am now going to offer not only my suggestions on what a new EV system and point total should look like, but I'll also throw in a cliffs notes guide to our wonderful states, for all you newcomers out there. To avoid mass confusion in the future, the United States of America should adopt my brand new, less confusing system. It goes like this:

----------------------------

EV = Electorial Vote
( ) = current EV total


1. Alabama (9 EVs): Alabama is one of the most "southern" states there are... infested with racists and rednecks. For this reason, I would not allow them even one EV. However, I believe that any state you can rhyme with "Mama Jama" deserves at least two votes.

Alabama = 2 EV


2. Alaska (3 EVs): Alaska is by far our biggest state. It coveres an area about the size of half of the U.S.'s mainland. I will give it one for that. However, we only have about 35 people living there. For this reason, added to the fact that it is seperated from the mainland, we tend to think of it as a foreign country... and a cold one at that. After all, how can it really be part of the "United" states, when it isn't even here?

Alaska = 1 EV


3. Arizona (8 EVs): Arizona is a decent state. It's warm throughout the year, and they have the majority of that "Grand Canyon" thingie. I also give Arizona props because the time never changes there. While the rest of the country is wondering when to set their clocks back an hour, Arizonians think to themselves "you poor stupid bastards... it's always nine o'clock this time of night."

Arizona = 4 EV


4. Arkansas (6 EVs): Arkansas is fucked up. Any state that has "Little" in the name of its capital (Little Rock) is not worth considering. Also, the state's name itself, already has the name 'Kansas' in it. Somebody cared so little about this state that they just named it after a different one and threw "Ar" at the beginning to make it sound important. It's not.

Arkansas = 1 EV


5. California (54 EVs): California is probably our best state. After all, this is where all of the beautiful, important people live. Important people, like actors. You know, people who make a living pretending to be someone else. Everybody who feels the desperate need to be "discovered" will live here at one time or another. Breasts aside, this is where the REAL talent is. (Nevermind their muscle-bot, alien-killing bad-ass governor who once got pregnant)

California = 33 EV


6. Colorado (8 EVs): Home of Denver, the "Mile High City". It's named this because it rests in the rocky mountains, some near 6,000 feet above sea level. Any city that has a nickname that refers to having sex in an airplane, is cool in my book. Colorado is also the setting for many great works of art, like "The Shining" and "South Park".

Colorado = 6 EV


7. Connecticut (8 EVs): I don't really know what to say about Connecticut other than I don't understand how they came up with the name. I mean it contains "connect" and "cut". Those two words seem very contrary to each other, and I don't get what they were going for.

Connecticut = 1 EV


8. Delaware (3 EVs): And speaking of things I don't get, what the fuck is up with Delaware? I think Wayne Campbell said it best (with no excitement), "Hi. I'm in Delaware."

Delaware = 1/2 EV


9. Florida (25 EVs): Florida... the land of sunshine and oranges, hurricanes, old people and cuban refugees. Oh, and then there's Disneyworld. It is a big state and a populated one. When picturing Florida, all I can ever think of is seeing Bugs Bunny sawing its border to the mainland and watching it float away into the Atlantic sea. I think of this and I smile.

Florida = 10 EV


10. Georgia (13 EVs): Home of Atlanta, and a shitload of peaches. While Atlanta is a huge happening city, it's in Georgia so I don't really want to go there. An interesting fact about Atlanta... it provided the street names made famous by the game Monopoly. The rest of Georgia is known affectionately as "the part just outside of Atlanta".

Georgia = 4 EV


11. Hawaii (4 EVs): Our most relaxing state, and most traveled to when we head off for vacation. The nice thing about traveling here is that you don't have to trade in your money to get some different kind of currency. At the same time, Hawaii provides you a different language to try and learn. This gives you that false, yet fulfilling sense of "experiencing the world". Also, you have a chance of being singed by molten lava. This would allow you some extra time away from your boring job and pathetic life back home.

Hawaii = 3 EV


12. Idaho (4 EVs): My home state. This is where we discovered potatoes. Idaho is great for outdoor activities such as hiking, skiing, rafting, etc. We're also famous for our landmark terrain, winding rivers, gemstone mines, incestuous relationships, neo-nazi friends... and did I mention potatoes??

Idaho = 4 EV


13. Illinois (22 EVs): Home of Chicago, which used to have a really good basketball team. This makes Chicago important. It's also windy there. ... I don't really have anything else to say about Illinois, except at least it's not Iowa.

Illinois = 5 EV


14. Indiana (12 EVs): Indiana is where they spend their time driving racecars all day. However, on an interesting note, they named the state after a very famous and handsome archeologist.

Indiana = 3 EV


15. Iowa (7 EVs): While standing in a cornfield, Shoeless Joe asked Ray "Is this Heaven?", only to hear Ray's reply, "No, it's Iowa." I find it poetic that Heaven and Iowa are basically complete opposites, yet they were mentioned in the same movie scene. Iowa is home to a very famous baseball field surrounded by a state full of corn.

Iowa = 1 EV (for the baseball field)


16. Kansas (6 EVs): What the people in Kansas do all day is watch for tornadoes. They just sit in trees or hammocks staring at the sky waiting for the next "big one" to hit. When Dorothy said "I don't think we're in Kansas anymore, Toto", I think that was just wishful thinking on her part.

Kansas = 1 EV


17. Kentucky (8 EVs): Home of really fast horses and really big baseball bats. They also make some great fried chicken (try the mashed potatoes and gravy).

Kentucky = 3 EV


18. Louisiana (9 EVs): Home of jazz, cajan soul food and huge-ass freaky misquitos. Louisiana is also home to thousands of drunken horny college girls who will do anything for some beads... and I do mean ANYTHING. Its capital, Baton Rouge... actually inspired Nicole Kidman to become a prostitute, and later portray her story in a movie about the experience (in which they changed the first half of the name for legal reasons).

Louisiana = 5 EV (a couple extra just for having lots of drunk horny college girls.


19. Maine (4 EVs): Maine is where all the lobsters live. It is also the setting for every single book that Stephen King has ever written. Sometimes we forget that Maine is even attached to our country. That is, until we feel like having some lobster...

Maine = 2 EV


20. Maryland (10 EVs): Home of Baltimore. Also the area of our nation's capital, Washington D.C. Baltimore, by the way, is the home of those guys who sang "Tarzan Boy", which was featured in those entertaining Listerine commercials.

Maryland = 3 EV


21. Massachusetts (12 EVs): Home of Boston. Boston is entirely made up of people who can't accurately say the phrase "park the car". They also love to drink because they're mostly irish. They used to have a legendary basketball team, and a "cursed" baseball team. I'm happy to see my friends in "Beantown" finally break that curse. Though I'm confused on one thing... Did they drink to celebrate? And if so, how did they know they were celebrating when they would be getting drunk anyway??

Massachusetts = 7 EV


22. Michigan (18 EVs): This is where we make all of our cars. We also have had many musical artists coming out of the Detroit area. An interesting thing about Detriot is that they decided to name their sports teams after a famous phrase from "The Wizard Of Oz". "Lions and Tigers and Bears, oh my!" Unfortunately, The mayor of Detroit wouldn't let them keep two football teams in town, so they ended up selling the Bears to Mike Ditka in Chicago.

Michigan = 8 EV


23. Minnesota (10 EVs): Minnesota is the land of 10,000 lakes. Nobody knows the origin of this nickname, but legend has it that there were once giants with overactive bladders who ruled the land. In a nod to the "Twin Cites" (St. Paul & Minneapolis), Minnesota gets two EVs.

Minnesota = 2 EV


24. Mississippi (7 EVs): By far the most fun to spell, even providing some giggles from many six year olds (due to the hilarious "P-P"). Unfortunately this state's history is not all fun and games. Many consider it to be our most "racist" state, which is not cool. Basically I think of it as Alabama, only in the mirror. And Mississippi doesn't have the cool rhyming thing.

Mississippi = 1 EV


25. Missouri (11 EVs): With Missouri, I don't get the whole Kansas City thing. I mean, is it in Missouri? Is it in Kansas? Where the hell is it?!? Perhaps I should blame Kansas for this confusion. Then again, Kansas is already fucked up enough. But that Arch thing is neat.

Missouri = 3 EV


26. Montana (3 EVs): Our fourth largest state, and home of the... people who live in Montana. The "Big Sky" state is known for it's beautiful scenery, vast outdoors, huge ranches, and guys who bang farm animals. This is also where the FBI found the Unibomber living in a tiny shack a few years back.

Montana = 3 EV


27. Nebraska (5 EVs): Can we get rid of Nebraska? I don't mean to offend anybody. Oh wait, I guess I won't... nobody lives there anyway. That's not true. This, I believe, is where they host the college baseball world series. That's enough reason for me to not play college baseball. My tip for Nebraska: try adding a hill or two to add some variety for shit sake!

Nebraska = 1 EV


28. Nevada (5 EVs): Nevada is a state of pure wonder. As in, I wonder why the fuck it's so big and nobody lives there. Las Vegas is very entertaining. You can spend weeks within one two-mile area and still not see everything. It's my favorite "getaway" spot, and I always look forward to going back. Reno is like Vegas, but smaller. Think of Vegas as a Triple Quarter Pounder with cheese value meal supersized with a coke and double cheeseburger on the side. Reno would be a happy meal where you get a cool little toy. Don't get me wrong, Reno is a fun little getaway in itself, but sometimes you feel like giving your senses a grand feast. That's what Vegas is. Then there's Lake Tahoe, which much like Kansas City, doesn't know where it belongs. It's also the lake where many illegal Californians sneak over to Nevada in their canoes.

Nevada = 8 EVs


29. New Hampshire (4 EVs): I'm not sure why they say this Hampshire is so "new". From what I know, it's been there awhile. I'm also not sure why it was even built in the first place. Shouldn't we sell it to Canada or something? Maybe we can get some good hockey players out of the deal...

New Hampshire = 1 EV


30. New Jersey (15 EVs): This is where Atlantic City is. That's the convenient "Vegas getaway" for New Yorkers because it's so close to them. A more accurate description would be like Reno on the east coastline. But instead of old people, it would be mostly rude people with goofy accents.

New Jersey = 3 EVS


31. New Mexico (5 EVs): The lone city in New Mexico, Albuquerque, is the only thing Rand McNally even bothers keeping track of. This state is so uninteresting that they couldn't even think of a name for it. After awhile they just give up and said "Okay just name a country somewhere near us".... and so someone said "Mexico". Then the first guy said "Great, let's just put 'New' in front of it to make it sound more important. It worked for New Hampshire!"

New Mexico = 1 EV


32. New York (33 EVs): This, of course, is one of our most populated states, and home to our biggest city (NYC). Full of culture, musicals, networks, taxis, pedestrians, businesses, buildings, criminals, stocks, celebrities, obscenities and probably lots of VD. They are a proud people who have a legendary baseball dynasty (which completely choked this season and made everyone look bad). Their firefighters, police and emergency workers are among the best in the world and we are happy to call them Americans. They earn New York extra points.

New York = 27 EV


33. North Carolina (14 EVs): I'm having trouble understanding why the Carolinas were split into North and South. I don't understand the point when neither one of them has anything interesting in it. Why not keep them together and just call it "Carolina"?? Oh well, at least it seems to be on James Taylor's mind.

North Carolina = 3 EV


34. North Dakota (3 EVs): This is the other North/South combination that confuses me. Was having Bismarck and Pierre just too darn much for Dakota to handle? Is that why they had to split them up? Can somebody explain this to me please?

North Dakota = 2 EV


35. Ohio (21 EVs): This is the home of Cincinatti, Cleveland, Columbus and a bunch of other cities that start with "C". It's also one of the states that borders on the Great Lakes. Ohio's claim to fame: In the traditional opening of "The Drew Carey Show", Drew's voice can be heard echoing "Ohio".

Ohio = 7 EV


36. Oklahoma (8 EVs): The only things ever to come out of this state is a legendary musical, and Hanson. The people who were paid to name the capital city were so anxious to leave, they said "Just call it Oklahoma City. See ya!"

Oklahoma = 1 EV


37. Oregon (7 EVs): Oregon is home to some of the worst drivers I've ever seen. These people are horrid drivers and they like to protest a lot. They have some nice towns along the coast, and a great dairy town (Tillamok). Oregon's claim to fame: Coast town Astoria has been the setting in many movies. Among them: Kindergarten Cop, The Goonies & Short Circuit.

Oregon = 5 EV


38. Pennsylvania (23 EVs): Pennsylvanians are credited for many inventions. They invented cheesesteaks, steel, the amish, and even Will Smith. The state regularly apologizes for containing Pittsburgh. Fun fact: Pittsburgh's major sports teams all sport black, white and gold.

Pennsylvania = 9 EV


39. Rhode Island (4 EVs): Our tiniest state. I look down my underpants and sometimes I think I'm toting around something bigger than this state. This state is so small that I feel sorry for it. Just to make it feel better, I'll give it a couple EVs.

Rhode Island = 2 EV


40. South Carolina (8 EVs): [See 'North Carolina']

South Carolina = 2 EV


41. South Dakota (3 EVs): Home of Sturgis, the famous annual bike rally town. Bikers come from all over the country each year to meet up, party, drink, bang, smoke, and do whatever the hell they want. South Dakota is also home to the famous Mount Rushmore, a giant stone carving monument to four of our greatest presidents (Washington, Lincoln, Jefferson & Roosevelt).

South Dakota = 3 EV


42. Tennessee (11 EVs): Home of Memphis, the country music capital of the world. This is why I avoid this place like the plague. Also home to Graceland, Elvis Presley's burial site and fan shrine. Referring to the belief that "The King" is still alive, they say "50 million Elvis fans can't be wrong." Maybe 50 million Bush voters can be...

Tennessee = 6 EV


43. Texas (34 EVs): Texas is the place where all the redneck billionaire oil tycoons live. It's also where we keep most of the imbred whackjobs. The great state of Texas is home to humidity, oil, armadillos, and a hatred towards its Mexican neighbors. Texans don't even think of Texas as a state anymore, but rather, a country. I hope the great country of Texas doesn't declare war on us anytime soon.

Texas = 19 EV


44. Utah (5 EVs): When a young woman mentions that she's from Utah, the sales clerk replies "Oh. Sorry.". This is a very appropriate response to the situation. Our scientists have been studying Utah for years now, but they don't allow science within the boundries so we are forced to study from a distance. All that is known at this point, is that Utah is filled with some sort of race of brainwashed zombies who stare at ancient texts and mumble to themselves while displaying abnormal but constant smiling. We are not sure how accurate this information is, but find it eerie none the less.

Utah = 5 EV


45. Vermont (3 EVs): Vermont's claim to fame is that it's next to New Hampshire. Also, they get snow there sometimes. This can occasionally make it difficult for both residents of this state to travel.

Vermont = 1 EV


46. Virginia (13 EVs): This is one of our most historical states. Many great presidents came from Virginia. This state was the inspiration for many contemparary music artists ranging from Train (Meet Virginia), to The Rembrandts (Sweet Virginia), to Blessid Union Of Souls (Oh, Virginia). In fact, it even inspired my own songwriting and led me to compose "Get In My Car, And Show Me Your Virginia".

Virginia = 5 EV


47. Washington (11 EVs): Washington is the "Evergreen State". This is because in the west, Washington is completely covered in trees. Central Washington is mostly desert, while the east is covered with rolling hills and wheat fields. Here we are known for our beautiful summers, active volcanoes, horrid traffic, single mothers and multi-billion dollar company headquarters (Microsoft, Boeing, Nintendo, Amazon, etc.)

Washington = 7 EV


48. West Virginia (5 EVs): This one is completely stupid, and needs to be rethought. There is no East Virginia, so why the fuck should we have a 'West'?! By the way, this is the only 'West' of any state. Why not just sew it back onto Virginia?

West Virginia = 1 EV


49. Wisconsin (10 EVs): This is where they make all the world's cheese (except for Tilamook). They also make lots of beer. This helps the Wisconsin residents get drunk so they don't have to live with the constant reality that they're stuck in this freezing state. Claim to fame: The opening of "Laverne & Shirley" where they're step-dancing and saying some stupid incoherent chant to a tune that keeps repeating "We're gonna do it!".

Wisconsin = 4 EV


50. Wyoming (3 EVs): Who gives a shit about Wyoming? Honestly?

Wyoming = 1/2 EV

-----

Now if I did my math correctly, that makes a total of 240 Electorial Votes for all states combined. And as a side note, I will not be including Washington D.C. The District Of Columbia is technically not a state, so screw them. Besides, their opinions would be too biased anyway. So with 240 votes total, a candidate would have to get 121 of them to win.

As you can see, my plan is a great one. I ask you for your vote come next election, and I thank you for your support!




My name is Ryan, and I approve this blog.

4 comments:

  1. Great essay, Ryan. I would have voted for Kerry, but sadly, I'm stuck here in the Philippine islands!
    (It would help, fellow Blogger, if you publish your surname. So next time, we'll know which Ryan we're writing to!)
    Anyway, more power to America!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Lol - I think the electoral system has some issues. I love your reassignments.

    Don't forget, though, that the biggest cities are not necessarily the most sophisticated and the smartest. Slow and conservative is not equal to stupid. You have to consider that the liberal media has its biggest hold over the population centers of this country, and that has a lot to do with it. Politically correct IS Los Angeles and NYC, and has absolutely no place in some other states.

    Most of us who voted for President Bush (myself included) have reasons that don't revolve around "Well, duh, gee, he don't like them gay folk so I guess he's a good 'un." or "Hell yeah, kill em all! WAR! FIRE! WAR!" Seriously.

    Agreeing not required; respect mandatory.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Dear hamburger, I wasn't offended. I was just reminding you and others to think in terms of the Big Picture. I'll grant you the Wyoming thing, though.

    Also, Nevada has 5 electoral votes. But thank you for playing, better luck next time.

    ReplyDelete
  4. My dear sweet Lettuce, I apologize for the inaccuracy of Nevada's EVs. One of the two websites I was using as a reference showed that NV had four, so it looks like it must have gained an extra vote since the last election day. I will make the proper correction. :)

    ReplyDelete