Monday, November 29, 2004

All Fuzzy

So many things have been circling around me. Or maybe the more accurate observation is that I am circling around everything. More thoughts about my life, or rather, my lack of it. Where do I want to be? What do I want to do? How do I want to get there? Who will be there with me? You'd think I'd be the one to answer these questions, wouldn't you? I can't. At this time, I can only offer myself more empty hope.

Nevermind my usual outlook... I am doing well. Things are slowly continuing to fall into place for me. For once in my life I can look into my near future and smile. I may dread going to work each and every day, but I'm raking in money I can save. I am starting to build my savings, as well as a retirement fund. I now have full benefits and a good "in" with upper management, which gives me great opportunity for promotion.

Here's something nobody knows about me yet: I'm most uncomfortable when I feel stupid. This is the thing I fear most, and I revisit that almost everyday at my job. As much as I depise that, I know it has helped me mature much this last year. I am no longer intimidated by answering phones, as I had refused to do at my last job because of overwhelming fear. I'm glad I've stuck with this job longer than any other I've had so far. My boss has already talked with me the possibilities of switching jobs within the company... something that may utilize more of my talents. I am very intrigued with the possibilities. Unfortunately, I'm not sure our company has a "Name three people who starred in this random movie" position. If they did, I'd be the CEO.

I feel somehow abnormally jedi-like in my aspiration to let go of much of my material possesions. Do I really need two TVs? How about those old baseball cards I don't look at? Those hundreds of VHS tapes I haven't watched in years? I am in the process of letting go of many things. Most of all, it's an effective practice for me to remember the things that are most important... memories. Some things are best left as a memory. There's really no point in taking up more space than I have to. I'll just say my ebay account has had much activity lately. :)

Music. It's a re-occurring thing in my life, I know. Somehow once again I'm filled with the inspiration to become a student of music. After a short vacation from my instruments, I've picked up my guitar(s) and put some time into them. Yes, my dad recently gave me one of his electric guitars because he bought a different one, so I have two now. :) He and I have started to go play at a studio every other weekend. It's a really fun time, and I've really surprised myself because I even sing and everything in the jams. Who knew? Coming soon.... recordings??

Things really are going well. My one constant struggle, however, continues to be in the female department. Every night I go out is an inevitible failure to meet someone. It doesn't matter where I go, or how long I stay... nobody offers so much as an interest my way. I'm still not sure what to make of it. I know it's me, but what specifically?? This is the thought that haunts me. I have my own theories of course, but am I really that unattractive? Do I really appear that awkward? Or do I just need to work out more often? Whatever the case, it has inspired me to improve all those areas I need to work on. One thing I do know for sure: I cannot have happiness until I have confidence. This is my motivation...

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