Thursday, June 14, 2007

Typing In Stereo

I can't help noticing how much racism still exists in our world today. You'd think after all these years we'd be so much further along in society. Unfortunately, people still have a difficult time understanding the many different ethnicities, nationalities and cultures out there. So for all of you ignorant bastards out there, here's a basic guide to our species... (In no particular order)
  • My Asian friends - Living in the Pacific Northwest, I encounter many asian people in everyday life. Along with "people from Oregon", asians are basically the ones you want to avoid on the roads at all costs. Many of them don't know how to drive because they usually ride bicycles. They are a quiet people, unless they are among a group of other asians, in which case they somehow transform into the loudest conversationalists you will ever hear. Asian people like to eat cats and dogs (with rice and noodles), and they make some of the most delicious meals on this beautiful planet. They are very good at math and science. This may explain why so many of them like to hang out at casinos... they seem to be fascinated with the blend of technology and numbers they offer. Although asians are generally small, quiet people with tiny genitals... you never want to piss one of them off. Since they all know kung-fu, this mistake will likely result in you getting your ass handed to you on a platter. (A pu pu platter!) Remember, there is a reason they live longer than the rest of us...
  • My Latino friends - Latinos are widely considered to be the sexiest people; masters in the art of seduction. They love to dance and make love all day long. This is probably why they end up having so many children. Latinos also enjoy mowing lawns and cleaning hotel rooms. And they like their music to have lots of trumpets and keyboards in it. They eat tacos and burritos everyday. Latinos also seem to have the most beautiful eyes.
  • My Irish friends - "The fighting Irish"! This slogan is not just a coincidence. The most beloved Irish pastime is, in fact, to get wicked pissed drunk and then try to beat the living shit out of a fellow human being. The Irish don't drink until they hit the floor. They drink until the floor hits them! The only other hobby they have is slipping on bandanas and riverdancing on wooden floors. Unfortunately, they cannot take up any outdoor activities due to the fact that their bright red hair channels the sun's heat directly into their pale white skin, resulting in immediate epidermal flaring. That's actually where freckles come from.
  • My German friends - Germans are good at making cars and sausages. They don't get around to much else due to the fact that they're usually drunk (much like their Irish buds). They love their beer! They also like techno and bizzare sexual fetishes. They don't like jewish people though. :( Their language is very evil sounding. If you want to scare someone, speak to them in German. They will run away crying.
  • My French friends - French people are all about making love and art... especially making art about love. They seem a bit stuck up at times, but you will forgive them for that when you hear their beautiful language. In fact, the language is so captivating that it will also distract you from realizing that many of them don't wear deodorant or shower on a regular basis. They also don't shave much of anything, so they smell like feces a lot. They like to eat waffles, vanilla ice cream, onions, toast and fries. (Be careful around french guys because they will try to fuck your wife.)
  • My British friends - Brits make excellent music, what can I say. Some of the best music in the world has come from the minds of these classy people. Although they tend to have an elitist attitude at times, they will still invite you in for a cup of tea and crumpets. And if you're lucky (or unlucky?) enough, perhaps they will even drink a bunch of martinis and dance naked for you. The British enjoy wearing large, over-elaborate hats. This may be their subtle attempt to hide the big ears and horribly disfigured teeth that lurk below. They are a very educated and resourceful people. Just don't ever call one a "bloody wanker". I still don't know what that means but they don't seem to appreciate it much.
  • My Black friends - Black people are the coolest people around. It's in the way they walk... the way they talk... and let's face it... nobody can beat them when it comes to athletic prowess! It's very unfortunate that so many of them deal drugs and steal things. Unlike asians, black people tend to talk loudly even if they are outside of their own group. And they enjoy eating fried chicken and potatoes for some reason. Perhaps it gives them the energy to do all those really cool dance moves?! (Be careful around black guys because they will try to fuck your wife... And they pack way more in their shorts than any french guy.)
  • My White friends - Unlike black people, whites tend to have no sense of natural rhythm. Still, they are a confident people. They tend to have a superiority complex when it comes to other groups, as they should since they are excellent golfers and racecar drivers. White people like to eat... well, just about everything. This explains why so many of them have big fat asses... which in turn explains why white men are most likely to experience erectile dysfunction and thoughts of suicide. But you have to give the white folks credit... they still know how to make really entertaining old people.
  • My Australian friends - G'Day, mate! Our friends "down under" are masters of the BBQ art. They like to drink lots of beer and go outside to play with dangerous wildlife. They pack around huge knives and wear really neat hats in public. The Australian people love their hard rock, and their accents are very contagious.
  • My Russian friends - Russia. The guys are alcoholics and the chicks are supermodels. They love gambling (Their favorite game is roulette). They also love vodka and partying. This means they really don't get much done during the day, but what do they care? They're all drunk anyway...

I guess the point here is (if there is one), why should any of us even bother thinking we're better than anyone else? We all have our flaws. We all have our strengths. That's what makes us human. So the next time you hear all this talk about this race and that race, just keep one thing in mind... We're all the same race.

... The HUMAN race.

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