Saturday, December 10, 2005


Among the things I've been called, labeled or referred to as recently (by a few different people):

"such a girl", "jackass", "silly little boy", "dummy", "wuss", "loser", "a boy", "dork", "chick", "immature", "retarded", "unable to listen", "stupid", "so weird", "uneducated", "emotionally absent", "fashion-challenged", "self-centered", "slow", "freak"....

I'm sure there are more, I'm just not in the mood right now to think of them all. In fact I'm not in much of a mood for anything. I'm just tired. Tired of people. Tired of being their doormat. Tired of being a tool for these fucks to feel better about themselves for degrading. And I'm tired of even talking to these people.

Something I'm not sure if the people who know me best even know... I'm not afraid of being on my own at all. I have been for what seems my entire life, so in a way it's what I'm most used to. It's my comfort zone. I knew early on I would never have a conventional life. It's not who I am, and it's not for me. And if I ever did believe in any kind of destiny or fate, I was meant to merely observe, not to take part in.

I've often thought of myself as ahead of the average person in wisdom by ten years. But I'm behind them by ten years socially. This means I am where a sixteen-year-old would be. And the scary part is that's exactly how I feel. I'm just starting to figure women out, and how to deal with them. How to treat them, what they're really looking for, why they say one thing and do another, what their bodies say when their mouths won't, etc. It is now apparant that women are the most cryptic creatures on the planet, and trying to study and memorize every code is getting quite tiresome. I'm getting to the point where I don't even feel like trying anymore. It doesn't seem to be worth it. Maybe I'll have better luck in four more years when I have the skill of a 20-year-old...

1 comment:

  1. hi ryan. i'm going crazy and then i saw your blog.