Saturday, March 28, 2015

Fear Itself

I suppose my biggest obstacle in life continues to be fear.

When I think long and hard about it, fear is the one constant through everything I struggle with. I'm just afraid of everything and everyone. It's always been this way, and it needs to stop. I can't live like this anymore.

I'm afraid that people won't like me. I'm afraid I'm really as insignificant and forgotten as I've always felt I am. I'm afraid that I'll finally get in the best shape of my life and they will still think I'm ugly and weak. I'm afraid I'll learn everything I've always wanted to know and they'll still think I'm stupid and lame. I'm afraid I'll never get to experience the things in life most people take for granted. I'm afraid my best will never be good enough for them, or worse, for me. I'm afraid of hurting people. And I'm afraid of continuing to let them hurt me because I think I somehow deserve it. I'm afraid of speaking up about things I care about because I will only be ridiculed, shamed, and repeatedly told how wrong I am. I'm afraid of letting the world know what I really am because it will isolate me even further... as if that could actually be possible at this point. I'm afraid to cry, because crying exposes how fragile and weak I am inside. I'm afraid of taking the needed steps to put myself in a much healthier environment, because I'm afraid it means leaving behind the people I care about. I'm afraid of the unknown future, and the past that only continues to haunt me. I'm afraid I don't have the ability to help people like I once thought I might. I'm afraid that some things were carved into my nature and I'll never be able to change them. I'm afraid that I'll finally be where everyone hopes to be, and I still won't be happy. I'm afraid of being laughed at... and endlessly teased... and silently tormented, forever. I'm afraid that these feelings will never go away.

I'm afraid this existence is only inevitable for me. I'm afraid I will always be like this.

There comes a time for everything.

Now, it's time to stop being afraid.

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