Saturday, November 11, 2000


I'm drunk as shit right now. I don't know what I'm doing here. Sometimes I think I'm just trying something different. And sometimes I think I'll never know what I want. And sometimes I don't know what the hell I'm talking about. I think this is one of those times. I really feel like shit. I don't mean now, I mean all the time. I need my own 19 year old Charlize. The kind that nobody has discovered. I have no chance with a rising hollywood actress. There's no way way in hell for me to be with her. All I want to do is go on a date or two with her and see how perfect she really is for me. But it will never happen. It never will. And I accept that. I just think it sucks because I've only really wanted two women. Charlize is one of them. Will I ever be able to tell her that? Of course not. And the other...Liz...couldn't give less than a shit about me. So what am I supposed to do about that? Somebody please tell me. I could just start hitting on every girl who I find half-way attractive and lead them on like I know I could. But for some reason, I can't do that. I just want one girl. The one I'm in love with. But it seems I only fall in love with the women that don't even give a shit about me. What the hell can I do about it? I can't figure it out. I know it's depressing, but I have it in my head that I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life. And it's like I can't do anything about it. I don't know what to do. Sometimes I think I should just give up on hoping for that right girl to come along. And other times, I just want to wait for her. I don't know what to do. And it feels like my life is just passing me by, and I can't do anything about it. I know that can't be a good thing. I don't know what to do. I spend all my weekends alone. I keep thinking about Alyssa. I really should have called her or something. I still don't know why I didn't. Maybe because she was Alex's sister, I don't know. But Alex is a really cool guy! Really cool. All I could have done was ask him if he was cool with me going out with his sister. I know he would've been cool with it. Alex is such a cool guy. I miss him and Warren and Tosh. I hope I get to hang out with them again. And Melanie. I can't stop thinking about her either. She liked me... I really had a chance with her. Sometimes I can picture us making out at one of those parties. But of course it never happened. Story of my life. Everyone I know is married. At least that's what it seems like. I am listening to the Rembrandts right now. God I love them. They have the most beautiful music. I can't get over it. Why couldn't Liz love me? I would have done anything for her. I really would have. Even if that meant becoming a Christian. No problem. Done. I would have been in a second. If only she would have loved me. Obviously I don't hold anything against her. I just wish I could have known what is was like. To have that perfect wife. That perfect life. That perfect existance. But instead I'm stuck here with no wife, no life, and a shitty existance. Here I am...21 now, and still no girlfriend. What the fuck is my problem? I still can't figure it out. I know part of it is wanting to find that that perfect girl. Part of it is that when I do, she isn't interested. But I know I just overreact everytime. I turn down every girl who shows interest, and I don't know why. It's like an instinct. I could have gotten laid so many times. And in a way, I'm glad I haven't. Because I really do want it to mean something. But even I'll admit that sometimes I want a relationship where my girlfriend and I can just make some passionate love and not have to think anything of it. As long as we both love each other. And we know how special we are to each other. I'm still drunk.

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