Friday, October 6, 2000


I can't take too much more of this. I just want to go. The only thing that's keeping me here is the lease. The only thing. I don't care about anything anymore. Nothing matters. I know I'm wasting my life. I always have. Now the M's are almost on their way to the Series, and I'm not even a part of that. Can't even watch it. I need help. I don't know what to do though. I would love to find a way to end it all, and still have my parents think I'm alright. Some way that they could stay happy. Because at this point, that's something I'll never be able to feel. I've already fucked up too many things for that to happen, and will probably fuck some more up later this week. I'm 21 now....yippie-kai-yay. Birthdays don't mean a thing to me... just another piece of shit day. I don't have anything I'm good at. I can remember who acted in this or that movie, or who sang that song. Wow. But I'm not good at anything important to anyone. And I'm so sick of Wayne's shit. He pisses me off so much. Sometimes I get the urge to just yell "Shut the hell up! Don't ever talk to me that way again." or anything like that. Because I definitely don't need to be getting shit from him on top of everything else. I bought six DVDs today. I did it because when I buy something, it makes me happy for at least a little while. I don't have many more of those left anymore. But I guess it didn't work very well today did it? I'm sick of everything. Aside from family, there's nothing left for me. I hate working. Don't know what to do anyway. Never did. I'm only attracted to one girl... an actress. Like I'm ever even going to meet her. And even if I did, she would be quite a bit different than I imagine. My best friend died last September. All my other friends moved away. ...

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