Monday, June 26, 2006


I am 26 years old. Yet somehow, I feel like I'm 41...

Not a day goes by that I don't anger myself for being socially retarded. I only wish I were eligible to play in the Special Olympics, because the confidence I do have in myself lies within my ability to help out their baseball team. (And speaking of the disabled, I have a question... Am I the only one who finds it odd that some people who are labeled as "handicapped" have no hands? I mean, where are all the footicapped people?)

Anyway, back to my current dilemma... It frustrates me to be so far behind my peers in a social sense; a good ten years in my best calculation. Socially, I think of myself as a sixteen-year-old. I have roughly the same experiences they would have. However, in many aspects I am far ahead of my peers. For instance, I can hold my own in a contest of knowledge against 60-year-olds. I have always made mature, logical decisions in everyday life. So in a weird way, you might say I have nothing in common with my peers, but something in common with everyone else. That's exactly how I feel... And it often confuses me.

On top of that, I have also had a sense that I was destined for something great. And I have had this feeling for as long as I can remember. Now could this merely be wishful thinking? Absolutely. Yet somehow, it still makes sense to me. There has always been something holding me back. Some kind of... Force. It keeps me from making bad choices. It steers me in the most benevolent of paths. It always has. And in the rare times I actually do make the incorrect decision, this Force sees that I pay for the mistake. Because of this, I quickly learned not to test it. It wants me for something. Something important.

And so here I am... Twenty-six years have come and gone. Yet still I wait. But for what?

This, I cannot comprehend...

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