Last night I went to McDonald's. And I got an M&M McFlurry with my dinner. I like those. So as I begin to spoon the delicious vanilla ice cream, I notice a short phrase printed near the bottom of the cup. It says, "May contain nut products".
Now, I hate to always be the one with the dirty mind here, but doesn't that sound a bit discouraging? That's exactly what I always like to read as I'm dipping into a creamy white substance with little chunks of shit in it. "May contain nut products." ... Ummm, alright. By this, I sure hope they're not implying that the goofy guy with the crazed look on his face who made me the McFlurry may have put his own special nut-flavoring into it. No thank you, please leave your nuts out of my dessert. And if there ever comes a day when I want you to splash a little nut-butter onto my flapjacks, I'll be sure to let you know. Until that day, keep your exposed genitalia the fuck away from my food!
And don't tell me I'm just over-reacting. I've heard all those stories about the cook at Denny's who got just a little too bored on a Thursday night.
Look people, the bottom line here is that food and ejaculate just don't mix. It's kind of like drinking and driving, except they actually make warning signs for that shit. I think I'm going to start a new group devoted to the awareness of this issue. We're going to be known as P.A.C.I.F.I.C.
... And in case you're wondering, that stands for "People Against Climaxing In Food (It's Cruel.)"