Drunken Rant # 2

Sometimes I hate myself and everything I am.


I saw a girl I would be happy with. She was a short blonde with black glasses. Those pouty lips I love so much, and a mouth that didn't hold back. Her name was Jessi, short for Jessica. She was engaged for three years to her fiance named Joe. This I squeezed out of her myself...

I went out to three different places tonight. Usual places. The third place was the so called "charm". This is where I met her. Her mom was even hot. Surprising when I found out that Jessi was her daughter. I was sitting in the booth next to the family, trying to mind my business and drinking my Bacardi & Cokes. Eventually, Jessi asked if she could sit at my booth (next to her family), and I of course said "sure, no problem". After awhile, she ended up sitting on my side of the booth, right next to me. It was then I asked her name and offered mine. I did everything I could to keep the conversation going. I asked her if she was married, because I had earlier noticed a ring on her finger. That's when she told me she was engaged. I replied with, "That's just my goddamn luck." Then I said to her, "Just for the record, if you weren't engaged, I'd totally be hitting on you right now. But I don't want to mess up a good thing." We talked a little bit more, all the while I secretly fantasized about actually having a chance with her. And eventually, she was called away by her family.

Throughout the night, I just sat there hoping she would come back to me to talk. But it was all wishful thinking. She had so much family around her, and guys circling her, all hanging around, waiting for their chance to strike. I wanted to give her my number and tell her if for any chance it didn't work out, and she was single again, to give me a call. But I never had that opportunity. And it soon occurred to me that I really have no chance in this society. I blow every opportunity I touch. I'm a disease; a virus to hope itself. I will never fit in, no matter how hard I try.

On the way home, I had so much frustration inside, I felt like crying. That's quite a statement coming from someone who is typically so emotionally absent. As much as I have tried to learn and observe, I still cannot make it happen. It's as if I was never meant for it. Perhaps I was only meant to look in from the outside... I can see the store of adventure, but it is always closed in my presence. All I can ever do is look through the window and hope I don't catch a glare.

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Joe is her fiance. That name is a curse. "Joe" is also Liz's husband's name. If you don't know who Liz is, check under "Ryan's lifelong torture".