Wednesday, January 26, 2005

Warning!!

A fore-mention: I am not dancing with the normal at this moment. Forgive me if I stray...



It's a great thing when you finally reach that long-deserved feeling of utopia in a bottle. My week has brought me frustration, hesitation & quite frankly... worried. I may soon be out of a job. I may soon be out of a relationship. A relationship that is me. If it dies, maybe I will too. What would I know to compare it to? For tonight I will live destiny in itself. My next thoughts will not be edited. They will be saved, if nothing else, as from someone who is outside of one's self at the moment, and only wants to share the view. This is a test..... this is ONLY a test (ready? go!)...







I watched K-Pax again last night. Sometimes I forget how much I really love that show. Not only is the story and acting convicing, but the whole "outside party observation of the human race" theme was just irresistable.



It's really quite sad how we've progressed. We can soar with the eagles. We can swim with the dolphins. Why, oh why, can we not live in peace?? Wars, killing, poverty, rape, murder, crime, theft, and just plain bad people... ... Why can't we love each other? We both love R&B, we both love Dramas, we both love football... why can't we share that moment of collective connection? I am black. I am white. I am male. I am female. I am gay. I am straight. ... "Curous distinction."



My life feels to be in shambles right now. It's very... Smashing Pumpkins right now. You know... in a "Melancholy And The Infinite Sadness" sorta way...



My job is good. I like my job. I mean, I would love to do something else, and be actually producive to society and to make a shit of difference... but I have to say my job is good, and I'd like to keep it.



*In Yoda voice* "Dionne Warwick, am I not!, See the future, I cannot."



The coin flips through the air. The sun reflecting from an eagle...



I am in a constant state of abyss. The depths of my insecurities wear their faces proudly. As much as I want to change. As much as I want to live... I cannot allow myself that satisfaction. It's really quite sad...



Then again, if I really cared that much, I would try to help you wouldn't I? If I were close to the end... and we had no chance... what would you do? Would you help someone? Would you want to make them happier... even if it meant "giving" your life up? It's hard for me to take it all in. On one hand, I want to live. I want to know all those amazing feelings. Mostly, I want that rare feeling of bliss. The one that warms you up when it's the infamous "one-way infatuation". You love someone so much, you challenge the thought that they return the love. In turn, you become so insecure and insane... your ongoing life is only the alternate dimension of a fanasy that never was.



I'm doing well... though things are difficult as hell right now... I will make it through...















3 comments:

  1. this is just one of those moments, ryan. just one of those moments.. this world will continue on revolving nonetheless. so just keep going..

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  2. Thanks guys. :)

    Isn't Ryban some kind of deodorant?? Whoo-hoo! *Spongebob arms to the sky* "Ryban for your under-arms! Yaaaaaaay!" lol

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