Sunday, December 17, 2006

101 Things I like About Whores

  1. Whores are up-front about what they really want.
  2. Whores aren't above pleasing their partners.
  3. Whores don't live in denial and are true to themselves.
  4. Whores will sleep with you when your wife won't.
  5. Whores will sleep with you when your girlfriend won't.
  6. Whores will sleep with your girlfriend and/or wife and let you take pictures.
  7. Whores care about homeless children and often knit them sweaters for the Holidays.
  8. Whores are part of a nutritional, balanced breakfast.
  9. Whores will keep you warm when it gets really cold outside.
  10. Whores make really good proctologists.
  11. Whores will buy you lots of drinks at the bar.
  12. Whores are willing to experiment in bed.
  13. Whores are very bendy.
  14. Whores like to dress up like librarians and "punish" you for having overdue books.
  15. Whores are more responsible when it comes to birth control.
  16. Whores like to go to concerts.
  17. Whores are good at getting backstage passes.
  18. Whores aren't picky about details and are up for just about anything... anywhere.
  19. Whores like to go to the gym.
  20. Whores are really good at algebra.
  21. Whores repair the ozone by unleashing their whoreness up into the air.
  22. Whores like to dry-hump each other when they dance.
  23. Whores appreciate the art of guitar playing.
  24. Whores can read good.
  25. Whores get intimidated by Tori Spelling's lazy eye.
  26. Whores like to watch porn.
  27. Whores will comment on how "hot" some other chick is.
  28. Whores like to fornicate almost as much as I do.
  29. Whores appreciate great screenwriting.
  30. Whores know how to remove stains from any surface.
  31. Whores usually have whorish sisters because their mother was a whore too.
  32. Whores are creeped out by the Quaker Oats guy.
  33. Whores don't mind accepting candy from strangers.
  34. Whores know all the best yoga positions.
  35. Whores like to watch South Park and laugh a lot.
  36. Whores don't drink Diet Black Cherry Shasta.
  37. Whores like to take bubble baths.
  38. Whores like to go to Las Vegas.
  39. Whores know how to put on condoms.
  40. Whores have the ability to end world hunger.
  41. Whores like to eat red licorice.
  42. Whores can get you a really good deal on a new TV.
  43. Whores can get you out of speeding tickets.
  44. Whores know where to get all the really good drugs.
  45. Whores never get bored when the power goes out.
  46. Whores can find many different uses for strawberries and whipped cream.
  47. Whores are really good poets.
  48. Whores pay their taxes.
  49. Whores save whales.
  50. Whores will give you lots of massages.
  51. Whores have call-waiting.
  52. Whores will skip church to meet you at the bar.
  53. Whores are our childrens' future.
  54. Whores make really good cheerleaders.
  55. Whores are the best kind of nurses to have when you're hospitalized.
  56. Whores make the world go 'round.
  57. Whores laugh whenever someone says "Balzac".
  58. Whores don't like olives.
  59. Whores enjoy relaxing in hot tubs.
  60. Whores don't bother nagging too much.
  61. Whores like to make out at parties.
  62. Whores are easy to spot at the mall.
  63. Whores like giant beanbag chairs.
  64. Whores like to travel.
  65. Whores are unlikely to win any arguments I might have with them.
  66. Whores don't worry about things like retirement or Thursday.
  67. Whores like the movie Se7en. Even if only because Brad Pitt is in it.
  68. Whores appreciate black lights.
  69. Whores aren't afraid of being themselves.
  70. Whores will pick you up from the bar when you get too drunk to drive.
  71. Whores like to order pizza online.
  72. Whores like to wear lots of eye liner.
  73. Whores will grab my shit whenever they feel like it.
  74. Whores usually wear tight clothing.
  75. Whores go to the clinic often and get tested for Syphilis.
  76. Whores think that Sean Connery was the best James Bond.
  77. Whores aren't afraid to look at and buy condoms at the grocery store.
  78. Whores get plenty of protein.
  79. Whores like to be spanked.
  80. Whores get turned on when riding a bicycle.
  81. Whores like to visit the ocean.
  82. Whores buy cigarettes with their own money.
  83. Whores like the movie Tomcats.
  84. Whores don't give a shit about curtains.
  85. Whores will go with you to the ballgame.
  86. Whores don't really mind when you vomit nachos all over the bathtub.
  87. Whores still watch cartoons.
  88. Whores don't see the big deal with people being gay or straight.
  89. Whores can find multiple uses for the gearshift in your car.
  90. Whores make every day that much more interesting.
  91. Whores like to wear hats.
  92. Whores never cheat on their bowling scores.
  93. Whores like techno.
  94. Whores don't understand why the Pillsbury Doughboy always laughs when people poke his stomach.
  95. Whores like to take shots of Jagermeister.
  96. Whores liked Dudley Moore and referred to him as "that goofy little british guy".
  97. Whores like water slides.
  98. Whores will watch old 'Wham!' videos with you and giggle.
  99. Whores never club baby seals.
  100. Whores like to go to Taco Bell.
  101. I can relate to whores.

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