Thursday, January 5, 2006

Query Eye Of The Straight Guy

Why do I never see a female under 30 driving a vehicle without a cellphone glued to her ear? Is this some sort of club or something they all joined? Why didn't I get a membership application? Then again, what discussion can possibly be so interesting that they can't put the phone down for five minutes? I've come to the conclusion that these girls must be afraid of, or uncomfortable with, their own thoughts. I just don't understand people who feel the need to be in constant communication with someone else. Don't people just stop to fucking think anymore?

Why is Geoffrey, the Toys 'R Us mascot, a giraffe? Nothing against giraffes, I've just always wondered that. Why a giraffe? Is it because his long neck allows him to peek over the tall shelves in that huge-ass store? Why not a bird or something? A giant talking rabbit? Perhaps their executives had a meeting long ago and felt that mascot giraffes weren't getting enough play. Kinda like Velma, from 'Scooby Doo'.

And what the fuck is up with Antarctica? We only have about 23 people living there... and all of them are only there to film penguin documentaries. It's basically one giant ice cube. No one wants to go there. ... And speaking of freezing countries, what's the deal with Greenland. Is there really much there that's green? I admit, I've never been there, but everytime I see a map, the whole damn thing is colored white. To me, that means it's too cold. If I want to see green, I'll stay here in Washington state. We have trees. Lots of trees. ... And they're green.

Why do women try to attract men by acting masculine? So many chicks now seem to brag about liking football and loving cars, etc. Many of them belch, start fights and drive trucks around... and I'm even talking about the straight girls here. Somehow I get the feeling this is mostly because they think it helps to attract the guys, to become one of them in a sense. Ladies, stop it. I'm not alone here. Guys are attracted to femininity. If we wanted a dude in a chick's body, we'd go to a gay bar and pick up a transsexual. We don't. We want women. We like it when you smell nice and put on dark eye-liner. We love fondling your long hair. We like the fact that our genders are so different. Stop trying to act like us. You don't see us blowing our paychecks on cute shoes and going to the bathroom in groups. Not most of us anyway...

And why are daycares so much like nursing homes? The only people not wearing diapers are the ones who have to feed applesauce to incoherent droolers. And why do all these places smell like rotten goat testicles? Nothing against goats though... they're almost as cool as giraffes.

...And where are all the goat mascots, by the way??

1 comment:

  1. my opinion:

    maybe it's cause giraffes are the tallest animals out there? i'm not an expert on animals, but maybe, just maybe, giraffes do not fart? or maybe their butts don't smell.
    just a thought.

    or maybe kids always like to see giraffes when they go to the zoo? but then again, why not a giraffe?

    gosh, you are so freaking original with these little thoughts of yours. ryan. hope to spank your ass one day.