Monday, January 30, 2006


You know, sometimes I just don't understand this world. It seems whenever I have the illusion that I've figured it out, on comes a cloud of shit. I had been feeling better about the new year, until this week. It's amazing how everything seems to crumble apart simultaneously. I suppose in that regard, life is like a game of Jenga. It takes time to build the right foundation. But with steady focus and a strong hand, you can gradually build yourself an empire. One tiny mistake and it will all crumble down in a chain-reaction.

That's me. I feel like I've jost pulled the wrong block from the tower. And there's not much I can do except to sit back and watch everything I've built come crashing down on me. Within the last three days, I've had to deal with surprising and disappointing blows to the future. It may be that these situations or events appear rather small in the giant scope of things, but they feel pretty big right now.

My parents may be moving out of state... again, very soon. I'm not blaming them for it, and I know they need to do what's best for them. But it will shake up my lifestyle a bit. For one, it means no more jamming with the guys, which I consider to be the most fun I get to have during the typical week. Just when I was getting into it... And of course I won't be helping my dad out on the weekends for extra money anymore either. So I'm a little stressed about all that.

Vegas will likely have to be delayed longer than I was thinking. A good friend of mine (whom I'm planning to move down there with) is experiencing some rough times right now and I'm worried and bummed out for him.

I just got blown off once again on the dating front; possibly even twice tonight. Potential friendships or casual relationships? Now straying from their initial interest. I don't understand. I was just starting to feel some confidence in that area for the first time. Today I find out I was only intended as 'Plan B'. And as it turns out, 'Plan A' was already successful. Meanwhile, my social and sexual frustrations are doubling up on me, and not in a good way. One effects the other. If only they would work together and not against me all the time...

The career void continues to loom over me of course. Approaching 30 now. Wondering if I should just take a class on some random thing like photgraphy, just to give myself a chance at being "successful" someday. Only to inevitably second-guess myself with logic. Then trying to justify my original ideas... albeit with false realizations. How often I remind myself that I would go insane doing the same job everyday for the rest of my life. There are so many things I want to do. Unfortunately, this existance leaves no chance to accomplish them all.

Not until I can find a way around time...

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