Mariners Game

Sunday, June 3rd, 2001 @ Safeco Field

Tampa Bay Devil Rays - 4

Seattle Mariners - 8

Attendance - 45,390 / Duration - 3:16

Highlights:

• Bret Boone hit his 11th homerun of the season.

 Game Details

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I'm not sure what the hell I'm thinking right now. I know I'm drunk, and that's about all I know right now. I can't stop thinking about how I want to have this perfect girlfriend. I want her to be so perfect. I imagine her and I are going to see a movie tonight. When we return from the movie, we will sit on the couch and talk about the parts of the movie we liked the best. Then I will kiss her. She totally won't expect it. That's why it will be so phenomenal. She won't expect it. And I want to make love to her. I know I have this strange fear about that. I think I'm genophobic. But I really do want to make love to her. I want to catch her off guard and kiss her when she doesn't know it's coming. I've been thinking about my future girlfriend a lot lately. The problem is that I can't think of what she's like. I want her to be real. I want her to be real. I really do. I wish she were real. I'm really bummed that that Andrea chick wasn't interested in me. I had already met her in my mind. And we got along great. She was my beautiful little girl. But it never happened. It was all in my mind. I wonder what it was that she didn't like about my e-mail. Should I have included my pic? I fantasize about her loving my pic. But I know that realistically, she has no reason to like it. I want that perfect girl so bad. But it's almost like I'm destined to be alone forever.

Mariners Game

Tuesday, April 3rd, 2001 @ Safeco Field

Oakland Athletics - 5

Seattle Mariners - 1

Attendance - 27,212 / Duration - 2:57

Highlights:

• Miguel Tejada homered for the Athletics.

Game Details

Definitions

Joy is watching the Mariners win the World Series, then collecting all the money I won from bets.

Jealousy is hearing about Brad Pitt and how "sexy" he is.

Sorrow is knowing that I will probably outlive my family.

Loneliness is realizing you've never had a girlfriend/boyfriend, and you're 82 years old.

Desire is a cop driving by a doughnut shop.

Ecstasy is winning a $100 million lottery, then going home to spend a passionate evening with your good-looking wife/husband.

Love is sending roses for no apparant reason.

Guilt is slamming into a deer on the highway, then watching the carcass roll several times.

Hate is watching an arrogant jerk date the love of your life.

Hope is when she/he smiles when you walk by.

Boredom is watching the ants on the sidewalk mate with each other.

Paranoia is being trapped in a small cave, along with 40 tarantulas.

Success is acheiving all your goals, and being happy with your life.

Thrill is watching your favorite team in the playoffs.

Depression is a bottomless pit you can't find your way out of.

Bitterness is when you have an invention idea, but someone else starts a company with it and makes a fortune.

Security is not having to impress people to feel better about yourself.

Urge is when you want to beat the living piss out of a bully, but you don't want to sink to his level.

Greed is otherwise known as 'Money'.

Longing is like shorting, only longer.

Fear is the thought of growing up alone and bitter.

Anxiety is when you're in the middle of a Los Angeles traffic jam, and you're constipated.

Selfishness is killing a living creature just to improve your own self-esteem.

Failure is finding the girl/guy of your dreams, but no matter what you do, you can't get her/his attention.

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They say that you're most honest when you're drunk. Well I can't speak for everyone, but I'm sure I am. I'm drunk right now. And right now, I want to ask Cody out. I'm not sure if that means I really should ask her out or what, but I don't think it would be so bad. She's so sweet, and I love looking in her gorgeous eyes when I talk with her. There's just something about her... I don't even know what it is. It just makes me want to keep staring into her eyes to see what she'll say next. And the whole Moscow thing... what the hell? She has been to her grandparents' house just down the block from where I grew up many times? That's almost too coincidental don't you think? I'm just so tired of being alone. I think Cody and I would really get along well. We seem to have a lot in common. If anything, maybe I could make her happy for a couple dates.... if you even want to call them dates. I want to just go up to her and say "Hey Cody, so when are when are we going out? It doesn't even have to be a date. I just want to get to know you better. That's all I know. I want to buy you dinner and find out if we really have as much in common as I think we do. If you don't think we do, fine... but it's worth a try. If I can just find someone to spend my time with, it would all be worth it. If you don't think it should be you, that's totally cool. I totally understand. But otherwise, I want to at least want to give a try." Who knows what can happen? Nobody does unitl I try. It's still hard for me to get Liz out of my head. I know it's been way too long. And I don't know what to do about it. I've tried forgetting, I really have. I just can't. It's like I'll always be in love with her or something. And I don't know how to deal with it. I really don't. I wish I could get over her, I really do. Every day I wonder why she turned me down. Was it because of my whole outlook on school? Was it because of religion? I honestly would prefer to think it was because she just didn't find me attractive. If religion was the only keeping her and I apart, I could never forgive religion for that. If there is a god, I say FUCK HIM.... or HER. I don't give a shit what it is, but fuck it! She was so important to me. She was my life... what I had of one anyway. I figure if there was a god, he/she would want to get as many people to believe as he/she could, so Liz would have been mine. Because if she had been, I honestly would have believed. And if there is really a god, he/she would have known that.

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I'm drunk as shit right now. I don't know what I'm doing here. Sometimes I think I'm just trying something different. And sometimes I think I'll never know what I want. And sometimes I don't know what the hell I'm talking about. I think this is one of those times. I really feel like shit. I don't mean now, I mean all the time. I need my own 19 year old Charlize. The kind that nobody has discovered. I have no chance with a rising hollywood actress. There's no way way in hell for me to be with her. All I want to do is go on a date or two with her and see how perfect she really is for me. But it will never happen. It never will. And I accept that. I just think it sucks because I've only really wanted two women. Charlize is one of them. Will I ever be able to tell her that? Of course not. And the other...Liz...couldn't give less than a shit about me. So what am I supposed to do about that? Somebody please tell me. I could just start hitting on every girl who I find half-way attractive and lead them on like I know I could. But for some reason, I can't do that. I just want one girl. The one I'm in love with. But it seems I only fall in love with the women that don't even give a shit about me. What the hell can I do about it? I can't figure it out. I know it's depressing, but I have it in my head that I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life. And it's like I can't do anything about it. I don't know what to do. Sometimes I think I should just give up on hoping for that right girl to come along. And other times, I just want to wait for her. I don't know what to do. And it feels like my life is just passing me by, and I can't do anything about it. I know that can't be a good thing. I don't know what to do. I spend all my weekends alone. I keep thinking about Alyssa. I really should have called her or something. I still don't know why I didn't. Maybe because she was Alex's sister, I don't know. But Alex is a really cool guy! Really cool. All I could have done was ask him if he was cool with me going out with his sister. I know he would've been cool with it. Alex is such a cool guy. I miss him and Warren and Tosh. I hope I get to hang out with them again. And Melanie. I can't stop thinking about her either. She liked me... I really had a chance with her. Sometimes I can picture us making out at one of those parties. But of course it never happened. Story of my life. Everyone I know is married. At least that's what it seems like. I am listening to the Rembrandts right now. God I love them. They have the most beautiful music. I can't get over it. Why couldn't Liz love me? I would have done anything for her. I really would have. Even if that meant becoming a Christian. No problem. Done. I would have been in a second. If only she would have loved me. Obviously I don't hold anything against her. I just wish I could have known what is was like. To have that perfect wife. That perfect life. That perfect existance. But instead I'm stuck here with no wife, no life, and a shitty existance. Here I am...21 now, and still no girlfriend. What the fuck is my problem? I still can't figure it out. I know part of it is wanting to find that that perfect girl. Part of it is that when I do, she isn't interested. But I know I just overreact everytime. I turn down every girl who shows interest, and I don't know why. It's like an instinct. I could have gotten laid so many times. And in a way, I'm glad I haven't. Because I really do want it to mean something. But even I'll admit that sometimes I want a relationship where my girlfriend and I can just make some passionate love and not have to think anything of it. As long as we both love each other. And we know how special we are to each other. I'm still drunk.

Flight