Saturday, April 21, 2001


I'm not sure what the hell I'm thinking right now. I know I'm drunk, and that's about all I know right now. I can't stop thinking about how I want to have this perfect girlfriend. I want her to be so perfect. I imagine her and I are going to see a movie tonight. When we return from the movie, we will sit on the couch and talk about the parts of the movie we liked the best. Then I will kiss her. She totally won't expect it. That's why it will be so phenomenal. She won't expect it. And I want to make love to her. I know I have this strange fear about that. I think I'm genophobic. But I really do want to make love to her. I want to catch her off guard and kiss her when she doesn't know it's coming. I've been thinking about my future girlfriend a lot lately. The problem is that I can't think of what she's like. I want her to be real. I want her to be real. I really do. I wish she were real. I'm really bummed that that Andrea chick wasn't interested in me. I had already met her in my mind. And we got along great. She was my beautiful little girl. But it never happened. It was all in my mind. I wonder what it was that she didn't like about my e-mail. Should I have included my pic? I fantasize about her loving my pic. But I know that realistically, she has no reason to like it. I want that perfect girl so bad. But it's almost like I'm destined to be alone forever.

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