Fear Itself

I suppose my biggest obstacle in life continues to be fear.

When I think long and hard about it, fear is the one constant through everything I struggle with. I'm just afraid of everything and everyone. It's always been this way, and it needs to stop. I can't live like this anymore.

I'm afraid that people won't like me. I'm afraid I'm really as insignificant and forgotten as I've always felt I am. I'm afraid that I'll finally get in the best shape of my life and they will still think I'm ugly and weak. I'm afraid I'll learn everything I've always wanted to know and they'll still think I'm stupid and lame. I'm afraid I'll never get to experience the things in life most people take for granted. I'm afraid my best will never be good enough for them, or worse, for me. I'm afraid of hurting people. And I'm afraid of continuing to let them hurt me because I think I somehow deserve it. I'm afraid of speaking up about things I care about because I will only be ridiculed, shamed, and repeatedly told how wrong I am. I'm afraid of letting the world know what I really am because it will isolate me even further... as if that could actually be possible at this point. I'm afraid to cry, because crying exposes how fragile and weak I am inside. I'm afraid of taking the needed steps to put myself in a much healthier environment, because I'm afraid it means leaving behind the people I care about. I'm afraid of the unknown future, and the past that only continues to haunt me. I'm afraid I don't have the ability to help people like I once thought I might. I'm afraid that some things were carved into my nature and I'll never be able to change them. I'm afraid that I'll finally be where everyone hopes to be, and I still won't be happy. I'm afraid of being laughed at... and endlessly teased... and silently tormented, forever. I'm afraid that these feelings will never go away.

I'm afraid this existence is only inevitable for me. I'm afraid I will always be like this.

There comes a time for everything.

Now, it's time to stop being afraid.

The Cog

There's a side of me that proudly claims my space in existance. Here I am, World. Now deal with me. But there's another side of me that is, and always has been, defeated by this same world. I've always been well aware that on a cosmic scale I am nothing. And honestly, I'm okay with that. I really am. I never felt the need to be bigger than myself. I prefer to be just another cog in the machine. Many may hope to be the machine itself, but without the individual parts, the machine as a whole is worthless. Realizing this, every random cog inevitably becomes essential to its overall function. This, I think, is the formula of life as we know it. We all dream of being the machine. But in retrospect, all each of us should do is be the best damn cog we can be. That's the only way our whole world can flourish.

As much as we like to fantasize that we are unique, the bottom line is that we need each other.

Peace is essential.

Am I talking crazy? Probably. But where there is crazy, maybe there can also be hope.

We are so much better than the shit we are today.

Seeing Through

I suppose I've always been alone; at least, I've always felt I was. Invisible to the outside world. Here, but not really here. Just there... being worthless and taking up space.

You'd think after struggling for 35 years, I might finally be able to experience a sense of belonging in this world; a taste of what it might be like to be needed. You'd probably be wrong. I don't feel needed... never have. And we know that things that aren't needed quickly become things that are useless and therefore expendable.

Leaving Hell

When someone commits suicide, so many people are quick to call that person "weak". As someone who actually understands depression and the hell it is, I often think about how strong that person must have been to hold on and fight for so long... especially with no help at all.

2014 In Review

Well, 2014 has come to a close. It was an eventful year. Some ups, some downs... but progress nonetheless. I was able to finally wipe some items off of my bucket list this year. Here are some of my highlights of 2014:

• The Seattle Seahawks won Super Bowl 48! They became World Champions for the first time by crushing the Denver Broncos 43-8! It's been so great for Seattle and the Pacific Northwest, and the Hawks are going into the playoffs this year as well. They've already won their division again and looking to repeat in Super Bowl 49 in a month or so.
• I started a new job at a hospital. Although I got laid off early this year, I was able to find a new job fairly quickly. I ended up signing on to make about 25% more in wages than I previously did, with a much less stressful role in a setting I'm already familiar with. As I write this nine month later, things are still going great.
• We reached a financial goal of $20k+ in our emergency/savings fund.
• I bought my first customized Seahawks jersey. It's a gray jersey with the number 12 and my last name on the back. It rocks! And speaking of jerseys, I also bought the teal Dustin Ackley Mariners jersey I've been wanting for awhile. I was able to wear it to a game in August.
• We bought our first new car; a hybrid. We've been wanting to break into the more-energy-efficient-vehicle world. We purchased a 2014 Prius C, and we absolutely love it! We even plan on getting a second one in the next year or so, and we don't plan on going back to traditional gas vehicles ever again.
• I finally underwent a LASIK procedure, and now I don't have to deal with glasses or contacts any longer. My vision quickly went from shitty/gettingworse to 20/15!
• I dropped a bit of extra weight. For the longest time I've been in the 220-230 pound range. I've changed some eating habits for good, and now I'm steadily in the 205-215 range. Instead of a tight "large", I'm now a comfortable "medium". Now I just need to update my wardrobe, which will be an undertaking in itself.
• I watched the entire James Bond film collection in chronological order, beginning with "Dr. No" and ending with "Skyfall".
• I also watched the entire series of "The X-Files", including both films. I'd always meant to see the series in it's entirety, but hadn't found the time to get around to it.
• I got an Xbox 360. This is my first foray into the world of Microsoft consoles. I picked up a bunch of cheap games at some pawn shops, so those will keep me busy for a long time. Happy gaming to me!

There are already many things on my plate for 2015. I'm prepared for it to be quite a difficult - but productive - journey. I feel ready to continue my progress. 

It's time to see just how deep this rabbit hole goes.

Today's Question

Would you rather have people know all of your flaws, or have people never know you at all?

The Boy Who Was Always Wrong

I suppose there's a reason why I'm so quiet; a reason why it's so hard for me to speak up and share my opinions without fear of backlash and vitriol quickly returning my way. There must be a reason why I hesitate to express myself; worrying instead of the counter-points and counter-counter-points I will inevitably have to follow up with. For me, it's never been simple.

For as long as I can remember, there's always been something wrong with the way I think. Not so much to me. To me, my thoughts mostly make sense. But throughout my life, I've always been corrected; told I'm wrong in my thinking for one random reason or another. The flaws in my thinking have always been pointed out to me. And since I'm completely incompetent at articulating and explaining the thoughts in my mind, this results in a frustrating and futile outcome every single time I try to share my opinions with someone.

It's no wonder I'm so fucking quiet. It's no wonder I don't talk much to people anymore or openly share my feelings. What's the fucking point when I'm always wrong anyway?

It's no wonder I've always felt so fucking alone and disconnected.