Today's Confession

I realized the other day that, on my key-ring, I still have a key to the house I grew up in. The home has long since gone, but I still have that key... It's been with me so long, and I'm so used to it being there, that I just think of it as a natural extension of my keys. I suppose in some ways, my keys would not feel right without it.

Life

How funny life can be.

I spent the majority of my teen years waiting, and wanting, to die.

I spent my twenties mostly in a drunk haze, trying desperately to escape the pain of loneliness and despair; eventually escaping neither.

Here I am now, in my mid-thirties. Married. Structured. Somewhat responsible... I may still not have a purpose, but I finally have something to live for.

What will my forties bring?

Fifties? Sixties? Possibly beyond? ... If I'm lucky enough...

I don't know, but what I do know, is that I've never been more happy to be alive. And I secretly hope this life lasts forever.

There's so much I still want to do.

Today's Thought

Sometimes I want to get a monkey just so I can name him "Jacques". Then, when people ask me what his name is, I can say, "Jacques. ... Jacques the monkey.".

New Year's Peeve

What New Year's Eve in Seattle used to be: An awesome, colorful fireworks display exploding over our most prominent landmark and the center of our beautiful city.

What it has become: A stale night of T-Mobile smearing their logo feces and trademark magenta all over the Space Needle (and Seattle Center), eventually interrupted by eight minutes of mediocre fireworks and obscure, unrecognizable music.

Thank you, relentless and mind-numbing marketing industry for ruining, yet again, something that I used to love.

Twenty Years

Feeling good today... Although I still feel like I constantly have so much to do, I'm beginning to piece together a new approach to my life; trying hard to focus on one minor thing at a time. For as long as I can remember, the world has been beyond overwhelming for me to be a part of. So much to take in... so much to learn...... so much to do. I think about the rest of my life - however long that may be - and I imagine all the things I will someday know. Things that my 2015 brain can't even yet comprehend. I think about these possibilities and it makes me smile.

Twenty years ago, I was secretly suicidal; wanting and waiting to die. My world was beyond dark. To put it more simply, I was lost.

But I'm still here. Fighting. I've given everything I have to crawl up and reach the sunlight. And now? ......... Now, I love my life and the moments of beauty I can find in it. I don't want to die anymore. I mean, I know I still will someday, but I've already made my peace with that. It doesn't scare me at all. I am determined more than ever to enjoy each moment while I am lucky enough to have that opportunity.

The "T" Word

My state of mind lately: What can I improve today? (Thank you, therapy.)

By the way, we need to stop treating "therapy" like a bad word. It is not a bad word.... "Shit", for instance, is a bad word... albeit an entertaining one; especially used in a fun way like: "Hey, would you like some more cookies you shit-face?".

Therapy is not a bad word. It's one of the best things I've ever done for myself, and I'm excited to continue exploring it further.

Back When

I often find myself contemplating: Can I love this girl any more? My usual conclusion is "no". I couldn't possibly love someone more than I love her. She is everything to me; my missing half. She completes my puzzle of life. And without her, I'd be a waste of hydrogen, carbon, and everything else worth noting. She gives me a reason to stick around. On top of everything else, I love her for that.