The Night Before Christmas (The Lost Version)

T'was the night before Christmas, and all through the house
stood three german guys: Lars, Johan & Klaus
I asked them their reason for visiting me
they stood there while winking and grinning with glee
I knew in my heart, as Klaus chugged a beer
that I would not fancy my present this year
he slammed down his bottle and threw up the sash
and told me to squat down on Johan's moustache
My eyes wide in terror, I looked on to Lars
who happened to now hold three Vaseline jars
I couldn't believe things had gotten this weird
Johan grinned at me gayly while stroking his beard
I shut my eyes tightly and began to pray
"Dear Lord, make these creepy-ass fucks go away."
Just then rang the doorbell, again and again
Lars opened the door to find Yoda and Ben
The Green One delivered, in dramatic flair
the following sentence to give them a scare
"Too bad, for I sense so much evil in you,
think it's time for your shit to get fucked up, I do..... yes."
He lunged at the three men who shared in the crime,
said Ben looking nervous, "We haven't much time."
The sabers came out for a second or two
with roars of sharp humming and blurs of green-blue
Three bodies stood lifeless, then fell to the floor
Ben turned away quickly and waved at the door
The door locked up tightly with help from The Force
They both looked at me as my voice had turned hoarse
"Thank you so much! How can I repay..."
Before I could finish, here's what Ben had to say...
"Worry not, my young friend. Why don't you join me?
I foresee the great Jedi you someday will be."
Yoda faced Ben and then gave a big sigh,
opened the door and looked to the sky
"Many trials await on this path you may choose."
"I can't wait!", I said. "I've got nothing to lose."
They looked at each other with nodding consent
and away on my life-changing journey I went
It's funny sometimes how the pieces will fall...
I got what I wanted this year after all.

Conflict

Inside vs. Outside, this is my torture

Always have these pieces of me hated each other
Making me less than a person, rather two separate halves of one

This struggle, I suppose can never end
Without the inside I am left a hollow shell
On the other hand, the outside is needed for protection

Perhaps these two were meant for each other
Eternally connected; for better or worse
Or maybe they are merely a character flaw, my shining fault
Pulling me in opposite directions; tearing me apart
Leaving me simultaneously hollow and defenseless
Eventually shattering everything I am and ever could be

2007

My New Year's Eve was nice. My friend Ross invited me out to a house-party in Yelm [Washington]; a place owned by friends of his. As it turns out, they had a small amount of hard alcohol there, so with my distaste for beer I didn't end up drinking much. I still had fun though.

The shitty year of 2006 is finally over. As with any year, there are bright spots and dark clouds. Peaks and canyons. It's just that this last year seemed to be mostly blanketed in darkness. I'm so happy it's done. I've been looking forward to starting the new year with a fresh palette and brighter colors, and I have many plans already for 2007. Among them, I've been planning to schedule some time with a hypnotherapist. In my ongoing quest to understand and improve myself, I am struggling with certain core issues. These issues seem to be hiding in my head and refusing to cooperate with me, so I have been putting together a list of things I need to work out with a therapist. Things like social anxiety, extreme sexual repression/frustration, lack of career aspiration, mood swings and depression, chorophobia, inability to open up to those around me, inability to cry, etc etc... I'm tired of dealing with all of these things. I should be over them by now. I should be better.

I also plan to become more financially stable, maintain a steady workout routine, eat healthier foods and less overall, drink less, learn more, become more developed as a musician, write more, read more, date more, worry less, and become more acceptant of my inevitable place in society.

Okay, ba-bye! *waves*

Saddam Hussein Executed for War Crimes

By CHRISTOPHER TORCHIA and QASSIM ABDUL-ZAHRA, Associated Press Writers
35 minutes ago

BAGHDAD, Iraq - Saddam Hussein, the shotgun-waving dictator who ruled Iraq with a remorseless brutality for a quarter-century and was driven from power by a U.S.-led war that left his country in shambles, was taken to the gallows and executed Saturday.

It was a grim end for the 69-year-old leader who had vexed three U.S. presidents. Despite his ouster, Washington, its allies and the new Iraqi leaders remain mired in a fight to quell a stubborn insurgency by Saddam loyalists and a vicious sectarian conflict.

President Bush called Saddam's execution "the kind of justice he denied the victims of his brutal regime."

State-run Iraqiya television news reported that Saddam's half-brother Barzan Ibrahim and Awad Hamed al-Bandar, the former chief justice of the Revolutionary Court, also were hanged. However, three officials said only Saddam was executed.

"We wanted him to be executed on a special day," National Security adviser Mouwafak al-Rubaie told state-run Iraqiyah.

Al-Rubaie said Saddam "totally surrendered" and did not resist. He said a judge read the sentence to Saddam, who was taken in handcuffs to the execution room. When he stood in the execution room, photographs and video footage were taken, al-Rubaie said.

"He did not ask for anything. He was carrying a Quran and said: 'I want this Quran to be given to this person,' a man he called Bander," he said. Al-Rubaie said he did not know who Bander was.

Mariam al-Rayes, a legal expert and a former member of the Shiite bloc in parliament, told Iraqiya television that the execution "was filmed and God willing it will be shown. There was one camera present, and a doctor was also present there."

Al-Rayes, an ally of Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki, did not attend the execution. She said Al-Maliki did not attend but was represented by an aide.

The station earlier was airing national songs after the first announcement and had a tag on the screen that read "Saddam's execution marks the end of a dark period of Iraq's history."

The execution was carried out around the start of Eid al-Adha, the Islamic world's largest holiday, which marks the end of the Muslim pilgrimage to Mecca, the hajj. Many Muslims celebrate by sacrificing domestic animals, usually sheep.

Sunnis and Shiites throughout the world began observing the four-day holiday at dawn Saturday, but Iraq's Shiite community _ the country's majority _ was due to start celebrating on Sunday.

The execution came 56 days after a court convicted Saddam and sentenced him to death for his role in the killings of 148 Shiite Muslims from a town where assassins tried to kill the dictator in 1982. Iraq's highest court rejected Saddam's appeal Monday and ordered him executed within 30 days.

A U.S. judge on Friday refused to stop Saddam's execution, rejecting a last-minute court challenge.

Al-Maliki had rejected calls that Saddam be spared, telling families of people killed during the dictator's rule that would be an insult to the victims.

"Our respect for human rights requires us to execute him, and there will be no review or delay in carrying out the sentence," al-Maliki's office quoted him as saying during a meeting with relatives before the hanging.

Human Rights Watch criticized the execution, calling Saddam's trial "deeply flawed."

"Saddam Hussein was responsible for massive human rights violations, but that can't justify giving him the death penalty, which is a cruel and inhuman punishment," said Richard Dicker, director of Human Rights Watch's International Justice Program.

The hanging of Saddam, who was ruthless in ordering executions of his opponents, will keep other Iraqis from pursuing justice against the ousted leader.

At his death, he was in the midst of a second trial, charged with genocide and other crimes for a 1987-88 military crackdown that killed an estimated 180,000 Kurds in northern Iraq. Experts said the trial of his co-defendants was likely to continue despite his execution.

Many people in Iraq's Shiite majority were eager to see the execution of a man whose Sunni Arab-dominated regime oppressed them and Kurds.

Before the hanging, a mosque preacher in the Shiite holy city of Najaf on Friday called Saddam's execution "God's gift to Iraqis."

"Oh, God, you know what Saddam has done! He killed millions of Iraqis in prisons, in wars with neighboring countries and he is responsible for mass graves. Oh God, we ask you to take revenge on Saddam," said Sheik Sadralddin al-Qubanji, a member of the Supreme Council for the Islamic Revolution in Iraq.

On Thursday, two half brothers visited Saddam in his cell, a member of the former dictator's defense team, Badee Izzat Aref, told The Associated Press by telephone from the United Arab Emirates. He said the former dictator handed them his personal belongings.

A senior official at the Iraqi defense ministry said Saddam gave his will to one of his half brothers. The official spoke on condition of anonymity because he was not authorized to speak to the media.

In a farewell message to Iraqis posted Wednesday on the Internet, Saddam said he was giving his life for his country as part of the struggle against the U.S. "Here, I offer my soul to God as a sacrifice, and if he wants, he will send it to heaven with the martyrs," he said.

One of Saddam's lawyers, Issam Ghazzawi, said the letter was written by Saddam on Nov. 5, the day he was convicted by an Iraqi tribunal in the Dujail killings.

The message called on Iraqis to put aside the sectarian hatred that has bloodied their nation for a year and voiced support for the Sunni Arab-dominated insurgency against U.S.-led forces, saying: "Long live jihad and the mujahedeen."

Saddam urged Iraqis to rely on God's help in fighting "against the unjust nations" that ousted his regime.

Najeeb al-Nauimi, a member of Saddam's legal team, said U.S. authorities maintained physical custody of Saddam until the execution to prevent him being humiliated publicly or his corpse being mutilated, as has happened to previous Iraqi leaders deposed by force. He said they didn't want anything to happen to further inflame Sunni Arabs.

"This is the end of an era in Iraq," al-Nauimi said from Doha, Qatar. "The Baath regime ruled for 35 years. Saddam was vice president or president of Iraq during those years. For Iraqis, he will be very well remembered. Like a martyr, he died for the sake of his country."

Iraq's death penalty was suspended by the U.S. military after it toppled Saddam in 2003, but the new Iraqi government reinstated it two years later, saying executions would deter criminals.

Saddam's own regime used executions and extrajudicial killings as a tool of political repression, both to eliminate real or suspected political opponents and to maintain a reign of terror.

In the months after he seized power on July 16, 1979, he had hundreds of members of his own party and army officers slain. In 1996, he ordered the slaying of two sons-in-law who had defected to Jordan but returned to Baghdad after receiving guarantees of safety.

Saddam built Iraq into a one of the Arab world's most modern societies, but then plunged the country into an eight-year war with neighboring Iran that killed hundreds of thousands of people on both sides and wrecked Iraq's economy.

During that war, as part of the wider campaign against Kurds, the Iraqi military used chemical weapons against the Kurdish town of Halabja in northern Iraq, killing an estimated 5,000 civilians.

The economic troubles from the Iran war led Saddam to invade Kuwait in the summer of 1990, seeking to grab its oil wealth, but a U.S.-led coalition inflicted a stinging defeat on the Iraq army and freed the Kuwaitis.

U.N. sanctions imposed over the Kuwait invasion remained in place when Saddam failed to cooperate fully in international efforts to ensure his programs for creating weapons of mass destruction had been dismantled. Iraqis, once among the region's most prosperous, were impoverished.

The final blow came when U.S.-led troops invaded in March 2003. Saddam's regime fell quickly, but political, sectarian and criminal violence have created chaos that has undermined efforts to rebuild Iraq's ruined economy.

While he wielded a heavy hand to maintain control, Saddam also sought to win public support with a personality cult that pervaded Iraqi society. Thousands of portraits, posters, statues and murals were erected in his honor all over Iraq. His face could be seen on the sides of office buildings, schools, airports and shops and on Iraq's currency.

CD Mix #24

I've been getting into a lot of different stuff. For some reason I've been in a mellowish groove as of late. I've been revisiting my early days of musical wonder (early 90's radio). There really is a lot of great stuff out there to just chill to.

Now, aside from this latest mix in my random song compilation series, I have also begun a preliminary screening process for a couple of other mixes in the works. Among them: my "Classic Rock Mix" of my favorite old-school songs that rock just a little bit harder than typical classic rock..... my "Rad 80's Mix", full of all those personally nostalgic tunes that are undeniably "so 80's"..... and my "Down By The Fire Mix", which in a sense seems a little bit misleading, considering it's actually my homage to the most heartwrenching songs in my past. Still, they're the kind to have in the background when there's lots of sexing going on in the room. So look for those down the road. Or don't. I don't care. Until then, here's Mix #24:

• "Fortress" - Pinback
• "Loose Rap" - Aaliyah & Static
• "Human" - Anggun
• "Close To Heaven" - Color Me Badd
• "Shanti/Ashtangi" - Madonna
• "Flawless" - George Michael
• "Angajou (The Latin Project Remix)" - Bebel Gilberto
• "Never Forget You" - Mariah Carey
• "Return To Innocence" - Enigma
• "Freeek!" - George Michael
• "What Else Is There?" - Royksopp
• "In Your Mind" - Anggun
• "Penelope" - Pinback
• "Choose" - Color Me Badd
• "Black And White Town" - Doves
• "[untitled]" - Aaliyah (*the bonus track from her 2001 self-titled release)
• "Safe And Sound" - Sheryl Crow

Wonderful Christmas Time

At six o'clock this evening, I got back into town from my weekend in Spokane. I had a good flight aside from the fact that it ran an hour-and-a-half late. Oh well, at least I'm still alive and everything. So here's a recap of my Christmas '06...

On Friday, I flew out of Seattle after work about 9:30PM. My parents were there to greet me (and to pick me up) in Spokane. The next morning we drove down to Worley, Idaho, and spent about four hours at the Coeur D' Alene Casino. Amazingly, I had never been in there before even though I had driven past it thousands of times. I did alright. Played many really fun games I've never seen before and walked out with almost as much money as I went in with. Basically, free entertainment. I just love the casino atmosphere for some reason. It's almost as if part of me belongs there.

Anyway, on Christmas Eve my mom made a nice dinner with ham and potatoes and salad and rolls and pie and pretty much everything else. It was great, and nice to have a home-cooked meal for a change. Afterwards we watched Christmas Vacation, as we do every year on Christmas Eve. It's sort of a tradition. After that, presents. (We always open our presents on Christmas Eve. It's so much better that way.) Here's what I got this year:

• From my dad - A brand new top-of-the-line microphone for our "studio", which we affectionately call 'Shabby Road Studios'. (It's also known more simply as "Jerry's basement".) This past year or so I've broken out of my proverbial shell a bit and started singing in front of people. This new mic will make me sound better, and we're getting a pretty nice setup now with some great equipment. My dad also got me a hard case for the mic to protect it when traveling, and a mic boom stand (sharing the gift credit with my mom for that). Basically, the boom stand lets my mic come down from above my head while I'm drumming, giving me much more room to drum like a crazy person. That'll be nice.
• From my mom - Paul McCartney's 2005 album, Chaos And Creation In The Backyard. I've been meaning to get this album for over a year now but still hadn't for one reason or another. It has some amazing tracks on it, a few of which he performed when we saw him last year. Unfortunately, I haven't had a chance to listen to the album in its entirety yet, but I'm hoping I'll find the time tomorrow night... My mom also got me five scratch tickets (I won $8 on them), a couple of 85 minute phone cards and a $25 gift card for Applebee's (which I live right next to and get food at occasionally). I should mention that my parents not only sprung for my flight over to Spokane and back, but also gave me $75 to gamble with at the casino. I have great parents! :D
• From Dian - I mentioned her gifts before, but figure I should include them in this list again anyway. She bought me three DVDs: Field Of Dreams, Airplane II: The Sequel & TMNT Vol. 5 (of the original series). All three had been on my personal list to pick up right away.
• From Jennifer - Jen bought me a couple DVDs as well: Clerks II (which I've been really wanting to see), and Office Space: Special Edition With Flair. When this edition came out, I gave my copy of the film to my parents because I knew I'd get this other one eventually. Also, my dad considers it to be one of his favorite movies, so it only made sense.
• Finally, my grandparents gave me some chocolates. I don't generally eat much chocolate so when I do it's a real treat.

We all usually tend to spend much more on each other, but it was nice to tone it down a bit this year... especially with a few recent money issues still nagging me. But I hope to get a better jump on it next year. I should have plenty more to spend on people by then...

All in all, I had a really nice Christmas! And I'm really looking forward to moving into 2007 with some new undertakings and projects in mind. More on that later...

Tangled In The Power Lines

I'm not sure what about it bothers me so much. Every single time I've ever heard people having sex in the next room over, it has clobbered me with a shock wave of depression. It's not the act itself; the closeness; the intimacy that makes me uncomfortable. (In fact, I find that rather intriguing from voyeuristic and curious points of view.) No, it's the inevitable comparison of my own life to theirs that always drags me down. And all I can ever think is, "Why can't that be me?". Every scenario I've yet to experience for myself quickly comes to taunt me. They point and laugh as if to say, "You don't belong here, silly boy. Go back home and play with your toys."

But why can't it be me? I've been the "good person" my whole life. I've played the part of decency and generousness. Of class and honesty. I've been the nice guy. The dependable guy. Responsible guy. The stable one. I've been them all... So I ask you once more, why can't it be me? What did I do wrong? I don't mean to imply that goodwill should automatically result in universal reward, but it would sure be nice on occasion. Is it accurate that no good deed goes unpunished in this world? In my eyes, it seems to be true.

There was a time, not long ago, when my sexual appetite was on the verge of flatlining. You might expect the thoughts of a sixteen year old boy to marinate in sexuality... I wasn't him. Instead, I was the boy who had convinced himself that the world of sex was one he could never visit. It was not for him, and the sooner he accept that the easier it would be for him in the end. Class after class, sitting at my desk letting the waves of musical history wash through me. Just me and my headphones. We've been through a lot together...

After years of depression, heartache and hopelessness, I started to notice a change in myself. I was less worried about what others thought of me. I had shed the weight of emotion and the baggage that generally comes along with it. I had accepted my place in life as the android. The made-up person who no longer had the ability to love, or to hate. To feel joy or sorrow. To care or to matter at all in the bigger scope of things. I just was. That's it. And it made me realize that my own struggle with life should not interfere with the ability of others to enjoy theirs. So why not try to at least help someone else make it through a little easier? I suppose it was this kind of thinking that secured my role as one who feels the responsibilities of his entire world resting on his own two shoulders. Sometimes it's just too heavy.

Still, there are many moments when I am crying on the inside because part of me does want to experience these things. My hunger is much deeper now, and much more primal. But no one ever knows about this because I never let it show on the surface.

I have many hidden layers.