Twenty Years

Feeling good today... Although I still feel like I constantly have so much to do, I'm beginning to piece together a new approach to my life; trying hard to focus on one minor thing at a time. For as long as I can remember, the world has been beyond overwhelming for me to be a part of. So much to take in... so much to learn...... so much to do. I think about the rest of my life - however long that may be - and I imagine all the things I will someday know. Things that my 2015 brain can't even yet comprehend. I think about these possibilities and it makes me smile.

Twenty years ago, I was secretly suicidal; wanting and waiting to die. My world was beyond dark. To put it more simply, I was lost.

But I'm still here. Fighting. I've given everything I have to crawl up and reach the sunlight. And now? ......... Now, I love my life and the moments of beauty I can find in it. I don't want to die anymore. I mean, I know I still will someday, but I've already made my peace with that. It doesn't scare me at all. I am determined more than ever to enjoy each moment while I am lucky enough to have that opportunity.

The "T" Word

My state of mind lately: What can I improve today? (Thank you, therapy.)

By the way, we need to stop treating "therapy" like a bad word. It is not a bad word.... "Shit", for instance, is a bad word... albeit an entertaining one; especially used in a fun way like: "Hey, would you like some more cookies you shit-face?".

Therapy is not a bad word. It's one of the best things I've ever done for myself, and I'm excited to continue exploring it further.

Back When

I often find myself contemplating: Can I love this girl any more? My usual conclusion is "no". I couldn't possibly love someone more than I love her. She is everything to me; my missing half. She completes my puzzle of life. And without her, I'd be a waste of hydrogen, carbon, and everything else worth noting. She gives me a reason to stick around. On top of everything else, I love her for that.

Today's Thought

I'm getting to the point where I'd rather just be loathed for who I am than liked for who I'm not.

I see the barrier up ahead...