Hypnotic Angel

She flowed to me like a waterfall in the moonlight
her mist engulfed me
and all i could do was shed a tear as my lungs inhaled her
the cliffside shadows danced in the aquatine reflections
as if they were playing with the night breeze
the pit of my stomach felt queezy
partly because i couldn't stand the thought of spending one more night without her
but also because i really needed to take a dump
i shouldn't have eaten that shiny can of delicious pork and beans
it was their intoxicating bouquet that seduced me

Down In The Count

You may not know this about me, but once upon a time, I was a ballplayer. I wasn't just a casual observer or an unrealistic dreamer... I was a ballplayer. I lived and breathed the game. It flowed through me like oxygen. Instead of blood, for many years my heart pumped hardball through my veins. Once upon a time, baseball was my life.

It was already somewhat of a reality for me. I was successful. I was a professional. I played third base for my favorite team growing up, the Seattle Mariners. I wore the number nine on my back, just like one of my heroes, John Olerud. I played along side of other guys I also idolized through a child's eyes. These guys in a certain way were like older brothers to me. And here I was, playing at their side; working together to become the best we could be. It was a dream come true.

I may not have been the best in history, but I was good. I worked harder on improving my game than any of my colleagues. I hustled out every infield grounder, no matter how routine. And if I was brushed off the plate occasionally, I was that more determined to make the pitcher pay with his precious ERA. I was good. I was well respected among my teammates and hometown fans. I even broke a few club records and made a couple all-star rosters. I can still remember the feel of the hard Kingdome turf under my feet. The smell of stale hotdogs and nachos... the thousands of random voices echoing against the dull grey concrete walls... the brightly lit scoreboard and colorful surrounding signs. I was a grown man with the heart of a starry-eyed kid beating inside his chest, and I cherished every moment of it.

Regardless of what you may think, or what you assume to be true... regardless of what you believe to have been the case... this dream died for one reason, and one reason alone. I was scared. That's it.

I was just scared.

In my real playing days, I was a nervous wreck. Each time one of my coaches would sit me out for an inning here or there, a big part of me would heave a sigh of relief. The other part of course, immediately felt guilty and knew it was wrong for me to feel that way. Unfortunately, the fear was too much. I didn't know how to deal with so much anxiety; so much fear. And many chapters later, it turns out that this fear cost me my dream. And since I've slowly come to realize this fact, a part of me has died.

I still love the game. I can still hear the crack of the bat. I can still tell you exactly where the ball will land from the contact it makes with the batter's swing. I can still feel my arms swing away when I haven't held a bat in years. It will always be in my blood. Once upon a time, I was a ballplayer...

And somewhere deep inside, I still am.

Affirmation

I believe the sun should never set upon an argument
I believe we place our happiness in other people's hands
I believe that junk food tastes so good because it's bad for you
I believe your parents did the best job they knew how to do
I believe that beauty magazines promote low self-esteem
I believe I'm loved when I'm completely by myself alone

I believe in Karma what you give is what you get returned
I believe you can't appreciate real love 'til you've been burned
I believe the grass is no more greener on the other side
I believe you don't know what you've got until you say goodbye

I believe you can't control or choose your sexuality
I believe that trust is more important than monogamy
I believe your most attractive features are your heart and soul
I believe that family is worth more than money or gold
I believe the struggle for financial freedom is unfair
I believe the only ones who disagree are millionaires

I believe in Karma what you give is what you get returned
I believe you can't appreciate real love 'til you've been burned
I believe the grass is no more greener on the other side
I believe you don't know what you've got until you say goodbye

I believe forgiveness is the key to your unhappiness
I believe that wedded bliss negates the need to be undressed
I believe that God does not endorse TV evangelists
I believe in love surviving death into eternity

I believe in Karma what you give is what you get returned
I believe you can't appreciate real love 'til you've been burned
I believe the grass is no more greener on the other side
I believe you don't know what you've got until you say goodbye


--- "Affirmation" by Savage Garden

The Leap Home

I have been a Quantum Leap fan ever since I watched the premier episode many years ago. It has been only recently, however, that I rediscovered the series through the eyes of an adult. What an adventure it takes you on; what a journey...

By now many of you know that I no longer watch television on a regular basis. But I do still cherish the shows I either grew up with or deeply respect... in many cases, both. Quantum Leap is one of those shows.

I believe that the single most important quality of "sucking" viewers into a show is creating an atmosphere that said viewer can escape to. It all has to do with the viewer being able to relate to the characters... and at the very least, the concept. This must be how Sam Beckett and his holographic buddy Al got me hooked so many years ago.

Sometimes I think I might as well trade places with Sam. In many ways, I already feel like I'm experiencing the same life he is. Jumping from life to life, experience to experience... unable to find the time to let them soak in and enjoy the rewards. I often feel like my goal is to help people down paths they would have never followed if they hadn't been a part of my life. Does that make any sense? Oh well... it does to me.

The bottom line is, Sam Beckett and I have much in common. We are both willing to sacrifice our own conventional lives to something much greater than ourselves... to help others succeed in theirs. Perhaps it is in this sense that we fulfill our own desire to belong; to have a purpose. Some might say that Sam was the most unknown hero ever to walk the Earth. To hell with fame. I find myself wishing I could be an unknown hero too.

Oblivion

You are the closest thing to perfection I have seen in this life.
...But you don't know this.

You can smile and change the subject of every conversation in a room.
...But you don't know this.

I fantasize about wrapping your hair around me like a blanket and falling asleep.
...But you don't know this.

You might be everything I've always needed.
...But you don't know this.

The thought of you keeps me strong and focused.
...But you don't know this.

Because of you, I am a better man than I ever thought possible.
...But you don't know this.

I often wish I lived among the stars just so I could always watch over you.
...But you don't know this.

I would die without hesitation to keep you protected.
...But you don't know this.

My fear of losing you is much more intense than any other fear.
...But you don't know this.

Your touch feels like home to me.
...But you don't know this.

Your scent makes me feel safe.
...But you don't know this.

I can see my future in your eyes.
...But you don't know this.

I already have plans for us.
...But you don't know this.

You don't know any of this.
...Yet.

The Turn

For years I have struggled with trying to figure out what it is I want. Knowing the things I don't want has never been a problem for me, and I have avoided those things accordingly all my life. But something is different now. A new chapter has begun. The proverbial "turn" in the high-stakes hand of life. Now anything can happen... and it has.

For the first time I can recall, I know exactly what I want.

I want to let go of the unnecessary weight I struggle to carry every day. I want to live a simplified life and appreciate everything I have. I want to finally figure out who around me deserves to be a part of my life, and I want to enjoy everything about those who do. I want to be secure... not only in a financial sense, but a romantic one as well. I want to be safe and healthy. I want a small house that I can call my own; a house with a cozy basement destined to be a movie room and a lounge full of color. I want to continue my aspiration to improve myself in any way I can. I want to be better than I was the day before. I want to tone my body and become physically stronger. "I want to look good naked." I want to travel... to lands I never thought I'd see through my own eyes. I want to see more of my own land as well. I want to spend money on experience, not possession. I want to help end animal cruelty and neglect. I want to help people. I want to show them what they can do for themselves and each other if they would only learn to open their eyes and see the world in front of them. I want to take in all the pain and suffering in the world and turn it into something much more beautiful. I want to finally be the man I've always been deep inside. I want all this and more...


But most of all, I just want you.

Thoughts To Think About # 6

You will never be perfect. But you already are perfect in someone else's eyes...