Today's Thought

People call me crazy because I'm not looking to Heaven for hope and inspiration. I'm looking to the stars beyond it.

Torn v2.0

There's not much that's more depressing than coming back home to feel like a complete failure.

I work at Safeway now. It's nothing exciting, just the most basic job there... but it's a job. I'm quickly coming to the conclusion that I am going to be miserable at any job as long as I am working. So now I can't help thinking: If I'm going to be miserable at a job, I may as well be miserable at my last job that payed much better. The one I have right now pays me shit.

I'm thinking of exploring a career in music. Perhaps radio? I'm not much of a personality, but I believe my knowledge and taste in many genres of music might qualify me for something interesting. At least that way I might feel like I'm contributing something useful to this world, as misguided as that thought might be.

I love Dian more than anything. That's why it's so hard for me to feel like I am failing her as a husband; as a decision-maker (never my strong suit). I want us to be happy and content, in a place that we can finally call our own, and not have to live out of boxes anymore. But I wonder... did we make the right choice moving to Idaho? Was it really the best choice we should have made for ourselves? According to everyone else, it was. In my heart, I'm not so sure. We could be happy anywhere. Then again, we all know that happiness comes from within.

I'm still searching for mine.

Sponge > Brick

I was reading an article today in Rolling Stone about drug trafficking and the Mexican cartels. It was interesting. As I began the article's second page, I was still interested with the context. By the time I approached the end of that page, however, I suddenly realized that I had no clue what I had just read. The words were being read from the page, but they were not being absorbed.

So I began the page again...

Upon finishing the first column of text for the second time, I still had not retained any of the information.

As I have suspected many times before, I have a difficult time reading much of anything. My mind wanders. While my eyes read, my brain focuses on something else completely irrelevant to the context. At times, this is extremely frustrating for me. It gives me the false sense that reading is generally a waste of time. Then again, this same thing often happens to me with movies and television shows. For some reason, I can hardly remember much about them until I see them a second time. I guess you could say: The average person has a nice, big sponge in their brain. They use this sponge to soak up all of the information around them, apply it to memory, and then wring out the unwanted leftovers. Somehow, instead of a sponge, I ended up with a brick. All I can retain is any insignificant piece of information that sticks to it. Most falls off immediately before I can absorb any of it.

2010

It still looks like the future. To be fair, at this point it still is.

I'm not going to miss 2009 at all. With a few exceptions - Dian being the major one - 2009 was quite a letdown. It began in the middle of a nightmarish immigration process, and ended with not being able to enjoy the Holidays like I wanted to. But I'm letting go of that already...

As I mentioned, the best thing about this last year was being able to spend it with Dian - my one love in this world. We're finally through the immigration process. And after $5000+ in legal and government fees, and a mountain range of frustration, we're finally able to concentrate on our goals and look ahead to our life together. As difficult as the process has been, it was all worth it. I love my wife more than anything in this fucked up world.

Looking ahead to 2010:

It's only New Year's Day, but already the year is starting off on a positive note. I ordered my first laptop a couple days ago, which should arrive within a week. I've been so frustrated with my desktop PC lately due to performance issues. It's becoming increasingly difficult to do even the most pedestrian of tasks, like listen to music without the file skipping. I have so many projects I'm still working on or planning: organizing and adding to our mp3 library, scanning all our physical pictures to digital form, organizing and backing up all files to our external hard drive, viewing/listening to every "special feature" of every DVD we have in our collection, weeding out and donating things we don't need anymore, even backlogging everything in my own memory to this blog. These are all in process, and more...

Dian and I also hope to buy our first house this year. We have decided to move back to my hometown of Moscow, Idaho, on the second of April. It just makes sense for many reasons, and it's the most logical thing for us to do. Houses are much cheaper in Moscow than they are here in King County. Dian will have an easier time finding a job she enjoys, and it's a better place to teach her how to drive as well. We will get to see more of our friends and family. And we'll still be able to visit most of the places we frequent here, like Qdoba (Dian's current favorite), WinCo, Dollar Tree, and Safeway. We hope to find ourselves a nice Moscow house by the end of the year, but we're going to take our time making sure it's the right one. In the meantime, we'll probably find a cozy apartment to live in. Besides, we both need to find steady, enjoyable work first so we can start saving up for the Moscow house.

A few months ago, we finally got a [Nintendo] Wii. I had been wanting to get one for the couple years it had been out, and I'm happy that we finally did. It has been great fun for me to play gamer catch-up lately. I can't get over how awesome the Wii is! We have some great games now, and there's a few more on our list. I love playing it with Di. It's also interesting to see the video game world through the eyes of someone who didn't grow up playing them like I did. I feel like I've reclaimed something I've been missing these last few years. Having Dian with me for good now, and having a Wii... I'm that much more complete.

In a couple of weeks, Dian and I will be flying off to Spokane to meet Mom and Dad. We are going to see Fab Four, an excellent Beatles tribute band that night (Dad and I have seen them before). The next morning, the four of us are going to see Avatar in 3D at the IMAX there. Dian and I have already seen it twice - first in 2D, then in 3D (at IMAX) - and we can't wait to go again. Mom and Dad have never seen any 3D film, as Dian and I hadn't either, so it'll be a great experience for all of us. That night, Mom and Dad are taking us to a new casino in the area. Then we fly back to Seattle the next day. It's sure to be a great weekend! More about that later...

In late March, Dian and I will be seeing John Mayer in Seattle... his first gig at Key Arena actually. This will be Dian's first time seeing John (my seventh), and we can't wait for that either. We're both huge JM fans, so it'll be another great experience in '10.

Aside from all of that, I'm 30 now.

I try not to think about it much. I just keep reminding myself that youth is a state of mind. You're only as old as you feel. And while I can't change the number of years I've been on this planet, I still feel like a kid. So things are looking up...

Challenge

Close your eyes. Think of someone close to you. Now imagine this person suddenly died today. How would you feel? How would it affect you? What are your regrets in your relationship to them? Try to convince yourself that they are really gone today. Immerse yourself in these thoughts.

Then, open your eyes. Realize that the person is still here among us. Realize that it is not too late to let them know how you truly feel. It is not too late to express your appreciation for their life.

Today's Thought

How saddening it is to know that it will take world-wide devastation for us to finally set aside our differences and work together.

Reflections In Time

In a casual conversation recently, my father had expressed a sense of guilt over the way he had handled certain things when I was a child. From bits and pieces of the conversation, I was able to extract the idea of being spanked for doing "bad" things - for example, accidentally spilling a drink, or not understanding what he was trying to say to me. I don't clearly remember these things. I don't even know if he is justified in feeling so guilty. I just have to assume a big part of it is an exaggerated, fatherly sense of protection.

If it's true that he really did punish me for common mistakes that every child makes, I don't blame him for anything. I never did. But after thinking about the things he mentioned after all these years, suddenly my life started making a bit more sense.

For as long as I can remember, I've been, in a sense, a perfectionist. Minor flaws upset me. Seemingly insignificant issues get under my skin. I let myself down every time I screw up; every time I don't know something; every time I make a mess; every time I show off my clumsiness to the world. I disappoint myself every time I think of the amazing people out there who have taken one life and done something to help this stunted world... knowing that there is no reason I shouldn't have done the same with my life. One person, no matter their origin, can truly make a difference in this world.

I am an extremely frustrated person. My frustration lies in my disappointment with the world around me. It mostly lies with myself. I feel responsible for each and every heinous aspect of this world. I could have done more to prevent it. I could have stepped up and done something about it. I know it sounds unreasonable, but I feel responsible for the world being as it is today.

This world is a sad place, so I try my hardest to look beyond it to the next. Our future is blurred, then clear, then blurred again.

My vision is not what it once was.