Friday, May 14, 2010

Torn v2.0

There's not much that's more depressing than coming back home to feel like a complete failure.

I work at Safeway now. It's nothing exciting, just the most basic job there... but it's a job. I'm quickly coming to the conclusion that I am going to be miserable at any job as long as I am working. So now I can't help thinking: If I'm going to be miserable at a job, I may as well be miserable at my last job that payed much better. The one I have right now pays me shit.

I'm thinking of exploring a career in music. Perhaps radio? I'm not much of a personality, but I believe my knowledge and taste in many genres of music might qualify me for something interesting. At least that way I might feel like I'm contributing something useful to this world, as misguided as that thought might be.

I love Dian more than anything. That's why it's so hard for me to feel like I am failing her as a husband; as a decision-maker (never my strong suit). I want us to be happy and content, in a place that we can finally call our own, and not have to live out of boxes anymore. But I wonder... did we make the right choice moving to Idaho? Was it really the best choice we should have made for ourselves? According to everyone else, it was. In my heart, I'm not so sure. We could be happy anywhere. Then again, we all know that happiness comes from within.

I'm still searching for mine.

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