Wednesday, August 13, 2008

The Incredible Adventures Of Kelbo, The Pathological Liar - Chapter 1

I suppose it all started when I was five years old. It was July of '85, and I had just finished writing my first book. It wasn't a novel really, just a modest collection of musings and anecdotes. You see, I was often called a child prodigy in the literary world. Day after day, I would lock myself in my room, staring at my autographed Richard Simmons poster for inspiration, and writing page after page of my random thoughts and experiences. By the time I was fifteen, I had already written twenty-five best-selling books and become a self-made millionaire. My most famous book, 1001 Ways To Castrate A Gerbil, sold seven million copies alone! Unfortunately, by sixteen, I had lost my passion for writing. It was no longer a challenge for me. I had switched my focus to other projects in life.

I decided one day I would join a professional rowing team in Panama and study calligraphy. I lived in a small log cabin, just on the edge of a beautiful river. It was so beautiful in fact, that the sun left a golden trail every evening upon sunset, and the mornings were full of happy little chirps and calm waters. I lived there for just over four years, until the day I was picking special Panamanian raspberries in my garden, and got pricked by a thorn and contracted West Nile virus. At the time, I was unaware of the virus and kept picking raspberries until collapsing. I awoke in a local hospital and was forced to eat lemon-lime JELL-O for thirty straight days. My nurse, a transexual trumpet-player by the name of Gilda, was good to me. She would fluff my pillows each night and sneak me issues of my favorite magazine, Coitus Weekly. When I had finally recovered from my illness, I was sad to say goodbye. But she and the doctors wished me well and bought me a brand new baseball mitt, a pair of rubber gloves and a gallon of vaseline as parting gifts.

The following day, I left Panama and headed north, towards my home in the United States. I felt it was time to move on in life. New adventures would surely await me...

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