Within Reach

We all need to find our own way to contribute to this world. Somehow, I feel like my path is just beginning to open up and form something recognizable. My destiny - if there even is such a thing - may actually be within reach.

I've never felt such a thing.

Wants And Needs

It's pretty ridiculous how differently people can view the world while living in the same one. With so many folks out there wanting money; wanting career successes; wanting children, etc, etc, etc... I feel all alone here thinking, "...... I just want to be desired.".

Zombie Nation

In an effort to try and build my confidence and reduce my social anxiety, I've recently been working much harder at trying to make eye contact with strangers and say "hello" as I pass them. It's been a bit difficult for me to do this, however, because nearly everyone I pass seems to be busy staring down at their fucking phones.

In Two

Life was never a competition. So why does it still feel like I'm losing?

My primary desire in this life is to make people happy, which would, in turn, make me happy. Ironically, no matter how hard I try to do this, I always seem to hurt people instead. Maybe it's true what they say - that there's a reason for everything; that things have a way of working out for the best. Perhaps that's the reason I'm meant to be alone in this world. Maybe that's the true way I can help people - by keeping them away from me in the first place; from the damage I will unintentionally, but inevitably, do to their hearts.

I'm not sure exactly at which point in time I became broken. I don't think I was always this way; at least, not as a young boy. But at some point I reached a moment in my life when I was torn into two different people. These two people are polar opposites, with different desires, different attitudes, and different approaches to life. They see the world around them differently and feel different emotions. I have been living with them both inside me for quite some time now. They're grappled in an eternal struggle, lashing at each other... It's tearing me apart from the inside. Because of this, I find it impossible for me to ever be fully happy. The best I can hope for is to make one of them happy. But that, of course, only means that the other will not be. No matter what I do, there will inevitably be a part of me that is unhappy; a part of me that is hollow; a part of me that is missing.

I don't know what else I can do at this point.

I will overload and melt down soon.

Drifting Along

I should be fulfilled. I should be content. I should be happy. I should be savoring the beautiful life I have.

I have a fairly decent bill of health. I have a beautiful, caring wife. I have an adopted kitty who's my furry, adorable best friend. I have two supportive parents who love me and would do anything for me. I have a good job and enough money in my bank accounts. I have lots of hobbies; lots of interests; lots of passions. On the surface, I seem to have everything a person should need to be happy.

One of my favorite artists, Janet Jackson, once said, "There's nothing more depressing than having everything and still feeling sad." Somehow I know exactly what she meant.

I often feel that happiness was something never meant for me. As if it's a hand dealt to many, but I was never even invited to poker night. I don't want to complain. I don't want to seem ungrateful for what I have, because I never was. But something inside me is just not right. There's a void where beautiful things should be.

I am working to try and fill that void. But it is a long journey.

This journey is very hard.

Eternal Conflict

I'm still right here; doing well but struggling. I'm happy, but somber. I've never felt more whole even though a part of me is missing. I'm hard but soft; high but low; true but wrong... I feel like a walking conflict everywhere I travel. I am split in two. Essentially, I'm always being pulled in two opposite directions at the same time. It's only a matter of time before I finally tear.

A Decade Gone

Well, it's not quite the feel-good post most people prefer, but there's been something weighing on my mind lately...

On April 25th, 2006, someone who was close to me committed suicide. Her name was Liz. She was a brilliant, funny, and caring person. She was a friend. It's now been ten years since Liz left this world, which means it's also been ten years since I was last able to cry. I'm not sure where the time has gone.

I've been exploring my emotions from Liz's suicide in therapy lately. It seems I never really found closure or learned how to properly grieve for her. But I have certainly been making progress. It's important for me to note that I have never been angry at Liz for the decision she made ten years ago. Not once. She lived and struggled through nightmares most other people can only imagine. As awesome as she was, she struggled to see herself in the same bright light that others saw her. I think many of us can relate to that... My point is, just because you think of yourself in a bad way doesn't mean the rest of the world does. We are often our own worst critics. (I know I definitely am!) It's so important to learn to love yourself, and to forgive yourself.

On a more personal note, I also feel it's extremely important that we stop equating suicide to selfishness. I hear this sentiment being repeated so often and it makes me cringe every time. Severe depression and suicide are not about being selfish. (I know some would argue this.) They're about not being able to live with your pain any longer. They're about believing your heart that the world - and those you love - will truly be better off without you being around to bring them down. Depression is the great downward spiral, and suicide is the breaking point at the spiral's bottom. Many of us fall into this devastating spiral during some point in our lives. Some of us cannot lift ourselves back out, no matter how hard we try. All of us need help... You can't truly understand a person's life until you have lived it. We all experience different lives. Stop judging. Start loving. And if you have the opportunity, be that help. We're all in this together.

(RIP Liz. You were loved and you will never be forgotten.)