Underneath

Try to take a closer look before you make assumptions about others. What lies on the surface is often very different than what lives in the core. Beauty can hide ugliness. A smile can mask a life-long torment. A laugh can blanket a deep sadness. Envious lives can often be filled with pain and regret. A strong body can hide an inner weakness, just as a weak body can contain more strength than one could ever comprehend...

Sometimes the worst urge we have as social beings to assume we know everything about a person before we even talk to them. We are wrong. One thing I've learned in this world is that people often have a way of surprising you.

Today's Thought

...or if my name was Richard, I would totally strut into my bank holding a handful of ones and fives while excitedly claiming, "I'm rich!!! And I'm here to make a deposit!". Then, when the teller asks me my name, I can say: "I already told you. I'm Rich. Weren't you paying attention just then?".

Today's Thought

I was just thinking that I'm glad my birth name wasn't "Jimmy Smallwood" or something. If it was, that would have sucked. Then I would have had to go through the process of changing it later in life; probably to something more like "Peter Plentywood".

Stream Of Nonscienceness

A little saké and one tiny edible. That's the shit in me right now. You could say this post will be experimental - a little bit "experi" and a whole lot of "mental".

Well, that and a repressed sense of passion; the likes of which I've never been able to realize or express. I only continue to be plagued by duality. It's something I've been trying to work through with my therapist. After a year, I've come to realize I seem to be like two separate people trapped in the same body. Depending on my mood - or perhaps the moon - I want different things and hold different goals. I don't really know what I'm doing anymore. Sometimes I feel like a child trapped in an adult's body and other times I feel like an adult trapped in a child's body. There are really only a few things I can find that both sides of me have in common.

For one, no matter what my mood, I seem to desire peace. A sense of peace of self; a peace in society; a peace in the world; a peace in the universe... or multiverse... or whatever else. Either way, I just have this overwhelming desire to bring peace to this Earth. I know it's improbable. I know it's futile. I know it's incredibly unlikely... Just let me go on believing in my heart that it's somehow possible. Sometimes that's the only hope I can find.

Within Reach

We all need to find our own way to contribute to this world. Somehow, I feel like my path is just beginning to open up and form something recognizable. My destiny - if there even is such a thing - may actually be within reach.

I've never felt such a thing.

Wants And Needs

It's pretty ridiculous how differently people can view the world while living in the same one. With so many folks out there wanting money; wanting career successes; wanting children, etc, etc, etc... I feel all alone here thinking, "...... I just want to be desired.".

Zombie Nation

In an effort to try and build my confidence and reduce my social anxiety, I've recently been working much harder at trying to make eye contact with strangers and say "hello" as I pass them. It's been a bit difficult for me to do this, however, because nearly everyone I pass seems to be busy staring down at their fucking phones.

In Two

Life was never a competition. So why does it still feel like I'm losing?

My primary desire in this life is to make people happy, which would, in turn, make me happy. Ironically, no matter how hard I try to do this, I always seem to hurt people instead. Maybe it's true what they say - that there's a reason for everything; that things have a way of working out for the best. Perhaps that's the reason I'm meant to be alone in this world. Maybe that's the true way I can help people - by keeping them away from me in the first place; from the damage I will unintentionally, but inevitably, do to their hearts.

I'm not sure exactly at which point in time I became broken. I don't think I was always this way; at least, not as a young boy. But at some point I reached a moment in my life when I was torn into two different people. These two people are polar opposites, with different desires, different attitudes, and different approaches to life. They see the world around them differently and feel different emotions. I have been living with them both inside me for quite some time now. They're grappled in an eternal struggle, lashing at each other... It's tearing me apart from the inside. Because of this, I find it impossible for me to ever be fully happy. The best I can hope for is to make one of them happy. But that, of course, only means that the other will not be. No matter what I do, there will inevitably be a part of me that is unhappy; a part of me that is hollow; a part of me that is missing.

I don't know what else I can do at this point.

I will overload and melt down soon.

Drifting Along

I should be fulfilled. I should be content. I should be happy. I should be savoring the beautiful life I have.

I have a fairly decent bill of health. I have a beautiful, caring wife. I have an adopted kitty who's my furry, adorable best friend. I have two supportive parents who love me and would do anything for me. I have a good job and enough money in my bank accounts. I have lots of hobbies; lots of interests; lots of passions. On the surface, I seem to have everything a person should need to be happy.

One of my favorite artists, Janet Jackson, once said, "There's nothing more depressing than having everything and still feeling sad." Somehow I know exactly what she meant.

I often feel that happiness was something never meant for me. As if it's a hand dealt to many, but I was never even invited to poker night. I don't want to complain. I don't want to seem ungrateful for what I have, because I never was. But something inside me is just not right. There's a void where beautiful things should be.

I am working to try and fill that void. But it is a long journey.

This journey is very hard.

Eternal Conflict

I'm still right here; doing well but struggling. I'm happy, but somber. I've never felt more whole even though a part of me is missing. I'm hard but soft; high but low; true but wrong... I feel like a walking conflict everywhere I travel. I am split in two. Essentially, I'm always being pulled in two opposite directions at the same time. It's only a matter of time before I finally tear.

A Decade Gone

Well, it's not quite the feel-good post most people prefer, but there's been something weighing on my mind lately...

On April 25th, 2006, someone who was close to me committed suicide. Her name was Liz. She was a brilliant, funny, and caring person. She was a friend. It's now been ten years since Liz left this world, which means it's also been ten years since I was last able to cry. I'm not sure where the time has gone.

I've been exploring my emotions from Liz's suicide in therapy lately. It seems I never really found closure or learned how to properly grieve for her. But I have certainly been making progress. It's important for me to note that I have never been angry at Liz for the decision she made ten years ago. Not once. She lived and struggled through nightmares most other people can only imagine. As awesome as she was, she struggled to see herself in the same bright light that others saw her. I think many of us can relate to that... My point is, just because you think of yourself in a bad way doesn't mean the rest of the world does. We are often our own worst critics. (I know I definitely am!) It's so important to learn to love yourself, and to forgive yourself.

On a more personal note, I also feel it's extremely important that we stop equating suicide to selfishness. I hear this sentiment being repeated so often and it makes me cringe every time. Severe depression and suicide are not about being selfish. (I know some would argue this.) They're about not being able to live with your pain any longer. They're about believing your heart that the world - and those you love - will truly be better off without you being around to bring them down. Depression is the great downward spiral, and suicide is the breaking point at the spiral's bottom. Many of us fall into this devastating spiral during some point in our lives. Some of us cannot lift ourselves back out, no matter how hard we try. All of us need help... You can't truly understand a person's life until you have lived it. We all experience different lives. Stop judging. Start loving. And if you have the opportunity, be that help. We're all in this together.

(RIP Liz. You were loved and you will never be forgotten.)

The Royal Blues

"Hey, I just thought of a perfect nickname for myself: "Prince Fuckface".

"Prince Fuckface" would be a perfect name for me because I aspire to grow to be prince-like someday. All Regal-like and stuff. Not in a literal way... Not in that It's-2016-so-why-the-fuck-are-all-those-countries-still-doing-that-royal-shit kinda way. But just in more of a basic sense... As if the concept of social status was relevant whatsoever to the quality of individual character in the real world... Yeah, I aspire to be a prince. Someday, perhaps I'll reach that summit. But until then, I'm mostly just a fuckface.

Identity

Thanks to therapy, I've recently discovered a hidden trait of mine. 

I mold myself to my surroundings. I only show the sides of myself that my instincts tell me are most beneficial to those around me. Co-workers get the professional me. Friends might get the goofy or generous me. Strangers might get the awkward me. Family gets the upstanding me. My wife gets the loving me... etc, etc, etc. I keep hidden certain parts of myself depending on who I'm interacting with. In that sense, I'm constantly changing; a social chameleon.

It actually makes more sense to me now as to why I've always struggled with my sense of identity. It was always hard for me to understand exactly who I am, what I want, and why. Even though I'm always searching for these answers, I've never found them. Perhaps there's a simpler reason for this: I'm essentially metamorphic.

Today's Confession

I realized the other day that, on my key-ring, I still have a key to the house I grew up in. The home has long since gone, but I still have that key... It's been with me so long, and I'm so used to it being there, that I just think of it as a natural extension of my keys. I suppose in some ways, my keys would not feel right without it.

Life

How funny life can be.

I spent the majority of my teen years waiting, and wanting, to die.

I spent my twenties mostly in a drunk haze, trying desperately to escape the pain of loneliness and despair; eventually escaping neither.

Here I am now, in my mid-thirties. Married. Structured. Somewhat responsible... I may still not have a purpose, but I finally have something to live for.

What will my forties bring?

Fifties? Sixties? Possibly beyond? ... If I'm lucky enough...

I don't know, but what I do know, is that I've never been more happy to be alive. And I secretly hope this life lasts forever.

There's so much I still want to do.

Today's Thought

Sometimes I want to get a monkey just so I can name him "Jacques". Then, when people ask me what his name is, I can say, "Jacques. ... Jacques the monkey.".

New Year's Peeve

What New Year's Eve in Seattle used to be: An awesome, colorful fireworks display exploding over our most prominent landmark and the center of our beautiful city.

What it has become: A stale night of T-Mobile smearing their logo feces and trademark magenta all over the Space Needle (and Seattle Center), eventually interrupted by eight minutes of mediocre fireworks and obscure, unrecognizable music.

Thank you, relentless and mind-numbing marketing industry for ruining, yet again, something that I used to love.